Twenty-One
Hands
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
You know at this point, I should be used to falling from great heights to my doom. I really should. Especially screaming, tumbling, loud scary doom at the bottom of a pit.
But seeing how I wasn't...
"YAH!" I shouted, and I extended my iron staff horizontally, catching the sides of the tunnel. I nearly lost my grip, but curling and lifting my legs up allowed me to swing up on top of the staff and just barely keep my balance. I panted and looked up...
"WHEEE-OOF!"
"MMPH!"
Just in time for Pinkie Pie to land on top of me. I barely held onto the staff.
"Pinkie! Pinkie, get off-!"
"BUCKING TARTARUS!" Applejack cried, as she grabbed the pole with her tail. It shook the rod and I fell off, clinging to the staff desperately as Pinkie clung to me.
"EEEEEP!" Rarity added, using her telekinesis to manage a rough landing on the other side of the staff. I grimaced as Pinkie whimpered.
"Oh that's a long way down," Pinkie said. "Not quite as fun as I thought it was going to be!"
"No... Kidding!" I grunted.
"Guys! Are you okay?" Called Twilight. I looked up and descending like angels from above, my marefriends and Rainbow Dash glided down with Twilight held between the hooves of the two pegasi.
"We'll be all right, darling, as soon as we reach solid ground!" Rarity exclaimed. "Laying on this pole is extremely uncomfortable!"
"Try hanging from it," I snarked back.
"Hang on everypony!" Twilight said. "I'll lower us down to the bottom!" She closed her eyes, and a purple forcefield appeared around her. It expanded and encompassed us all, and I mentally commanded the staff to shrink back down. I felt weightless as I floated in the field, and Pinkie soon let go of me to tumble happily in the bubble.
"Whee!" She said happily.
"So, what exactly lies down here, anyway?" Rainbow Dash asked as we slowly descended. Twilight looked over at me.
"I'm guessing you know, Andrew. You didn't just want me to bring down the floor around us, did you?"
"It is something he'd think of," Applejack said.
"Incredibly dangerous?" Pinkie asked cheerfully.
"And more than a bit reckless, too," Rarity added.
"I was just going to go with 'stupid', myself," Dash pointed out.
I rolled my eyes. "Down here are the human artifacts I told you about," I said.
Twilight smiled. “Ah... I thought that’s what you were going for.”
Dash's eyes widened. "Ooh! So, there's some kind of human superweapon you're going to bust out and use to annihilate the Changelings?"
"Well..." I shrugged. "Sort of...?"
"Sort of, meaning...?" Fluttershy asked.
"Sort of meaning we'll have to look through this stuff for something immediately useful," I said. Dash growled.
"What?! You're human aren't you?! This is all your stuff!"
"Do you really expect me to memorize the full several thousand years worth of my species' history?" I asked flatly. I shook my head. “There’s probably only one useful thing down here... And it’s going to be complicated to get it working.”
"Oh yeah, that’s helpful!" Dash growled.
"Lay off him, Dash," Applejack said sagely. "Ah'm sure we'll find somethin' useful. And at least fer now, we can have a breather from the dang cockroaches."
"For as long as that lasts," Dash muttered as we descended into the darkness below.
- - - - -
I was treated to what Luna must have seen on my face on the faces of my companions as Twilight and Rarity’s horn lights revealed the human archives. Expressions of awe, confusion... And something that hadn’t been on my face: Disappointment.
“This is it?” Dash asked in disbelief. “The great human archives? This is a bunch of junk!”
“Ooh! A thingamajigger!” Pinkie said cheerfully, darting away the moment her hooves hit the ground into a nearby pile. “I’d love one of these!” She came out with what looked like a toy grabbing claw, which she worked by biting down on the lever to close the claw. She grinned up at us.
“Thish ish great!” She cried.
“Yeah, that’s pretty cool,” Dash admitted. “But where’s this wonder weapon you’ve got to use against...” Her eyes widened, and she flew up to the large form of the V-2 rocket. “WOAH! What’s this?” She asked with a grin.
“It’s a V-2 rocket,” I explained. “But that’s not what we can use against Chrysalis.”
“What?” Dash pouted. “Why not?”
I walked up and banged on the side of the rocket with my fist. It rang like a particularly poorly made bell, but it was enough for everypony to get the idea.
“It’s empty?” Twilight asked.
“What’s it run on?” Applejack asked.
“Kerosene,” I said glumly. “A few hundred gallons at least...”
“Oh gee, no problem then!” Dash said sarcastically. “I’ll just pull some out of my flanks and we’ll be set!”
“Call that a bust then,” Twilight said with a frown. She looked to me. “What’s this secret weapon we can use?”
“It’s somewhere in here,” I said. I frowned, eyes straining in the shadows. “It’s basically a lifting body design-”
“Ooh! A giant robot?” Dash asked.
“Nonsense Dash,” Rarity snorted, “it must be some kind of device for manipulating gravity! Lifting and body, it’s simple!”
“No, no, it’s a ship!” I said quickly. “It looks like a delta from above, has stubby little wings and rockets on the back!”
“Oh! The Dreamchaser!” Twilight realized, remembering from the video. “You mean the ship-It’s down here?”
“Yes! And it’s probably our best shot of taking Chrysalis down,” I said.
“So, you have a plan?” Fluttershy at last asked. I looked to Twilight, and then to Rainbow Dash. Twilight followed my gaze, and then grinned. I have to admit, I really, really liked that grin. It was Twilight’s “I Read Your Mind, Took your Rough Draft of a Plan and Turned it Into Something Brilliant” look.
God I loved her for it.
“I think we do,” Twilight said.
“Well, that’s good enough for me,” Dash said. She pointed her hoof forward. “Come on! Where is this wonder weapon?”
It took a bit of stumbling around in the dark (mainly mine) to find the tunnel to the Dream Chaser hangar, but find it we did. With a flip of the switch, the electrical lights went on and the battered but still beautiful form of the Sophia greeted us.
“Wow,” Dash said with a grin. “A spaceship? This is a real spaceship?”
“Yep,” I said with a bright grin. “Bonafide space ship. And her main gun still works.”
“Well what are we waitin’ fer?” Applejack asked cheerfully. “Get on in, light her up!”
With a boost from Fluttershy, I clambered on top and opened the hatch to the ship. I slid down into the seat and hit a few buttons. The panels lit up, and I could hear a few computers humming happily...
I then stopped and coughed. Twilight poked her head in.
“Is something wrong?” She asked. I very slowly nodded.
“Yes,” I said. Twilight frowned.
“What?” She asked.
“I just realized something,” I admitted, as I looked away. Twilight’s frown deepened.
“What?”
“... I have no idea how to turn the ship on, much less fly this thing,” I admitted.
Twilight stared at me in complete and total disbelief. I got the same expression from the rest of the mares as they peeked in through the windscreen of the Sophia.
“... And you didn’t think to mention this before?” Twilight asked in a higher pitch of voice.
“... Nope,” I said, slamming my face against the dashboard.
I was greeted with a chorus of groans and cries of dismay.
“Well you’d better figure it out fast then or we’re sunk!” Dash growled.
“Okay okay!” I said quickly. “It can’t be that complicated,” I explained. “They put an XBox in here for God’s sake!”
“A what?” Pinkie Pie asked.
I thought about explaining video games to Pinkie Pie, but something told me I was better off avoiding that potential minefield.
“Nevermind,” I said. “Point is, it can’t be that hard to figure this out...”
I knew this was a phrase usually associated with famous last words... But I tried not to think too hard about that.
Twilight sighed, and looked to the others. “Everypony! Fan out! If you find something that might be useful, call for us! In the meantime Andrew, keep working.”
“Yes ma’am,” I said.
“Right!” They chorused, and they trotted off. Save for Fluttershy, who had been looking at me in concern.
Twilight noted this, and sighed softly. “Come on then, Fluttershy,” she said kindly. Fluttershy nodded, and hovered above the hatch as Twilight hopped down in the seat next to mine.
“Sorry about this,” I said again. Fluttershy rested on top of the ship and looked down.
“It’s all right,” she said. She looked at Twilight, who still looked pretty annoyed, and then back at me. “I mean, um, it was kind of a snap decision to come down here...”
“And it was our only option,” Twilight admitted. She shook her head and looked at the controls. “But it doesn’t make me any happier...”
“I know,” I said. I sighed and rubbed my face. “I can’t believe though that I went for this. I mean...” I looked around the cockpit, and my eyes lingered on the image of the Sophia’s art on the bulkhead nearby, “I’m no pilot. The pilot for the ship is dead! And the weapon of this vessel is useless unless we can get her moving and I...” I smacked my hands on the dashboard in anger. “Damnit! It’s all fucking junk!”
“Andrew,” Fluttershy said softly. I looked up into her eyes, and sighed. I rubbed my cheeks, and felt her wing rest on my head. Twilight’s hoof rested on my shoulder. I smiled at them both, a bit sadly.
“Sorry... It’s just...”
“You’re taking this so personally,” Fluttershy sighed. Twilight glanced at her, and then back at me. She chuckled. I frowned.
“What’s so funny?”
“I just realized... You feel like you’ve got so much more to prove now, don’t you?” She said with a soft giggle. “I mean, your species banded together and defeated the Changelings. Chrysalis herself keeps wanting you to turn to her side! And now your pride is screaming you need to match those expectations.”
“It is not!” I immediately defended myself. “I’m just... I’m...” The two mares smiled at me in kindness and understanding and I wilted like a flower in a desert.
A manly flower, but still.
“Yeah,” I admitted with a sigh. “It is. I guess...” I looked up at the windscreen with a little smile. “I guess I had the notion that being the big, bad human would let me get through any obstacle...”
“And it does get you places,” Twilight said, her hoof resting on my hand, “but don’t forget: Even humans can’t do everything alone.”
I looked at her, and up at Fluttershy. She blushed at my scrutiny. My other hand found the iPhone in my pocket. I brought it out, and saw the background: Nicole and Isaac, smiling and holding one another on a beach. I smiled too, and put the iPhone back in its cradle.
“No,” I said. “I guess we can’t... Huh?”
I heard computers begin to hum and a rumble from behind. The display panels all showed green, and indicators about the ship’s status. I blinked a few times, staring at the iPhone and then back at Twilight and Fluttershy.
“What’s that mean?” Fluttershy asked. I sighed, rubbed my face, and allowed myself a wry smile.
“Thank God for humans who are not only technically minded,” I said, “but also hopelessly sappy.”
"So it's working?" Twilight asked with a grin.
"Yep," I said.
"Um, there's still the issue of flying it," Fluttershy pointed out. I grimaced.
"Oh, yeah..."
Twilight grinned again. "Oh don't worry about that," Twilight said, "I think I know how to manage it. After all, humans use friendship too, don't they?"
- - - - - -
About twenty minutes later, I was getting poked, prodded, and maybe even goosed by Rarity’s telekinetic powers as she adjusted my new outfit.
“Urk...!”
“There,” Rarity said, looking up at me from behind as she finished. “How does it fit?”
I stretched my arms up, and the orange flightsuit we’d managed to scrounge out from the piles of assorted stuff contracted a bit but otherwise, it was a good fit. I smiled at the white unicorn.
“It’s great,” I said honestly. “Thanks... Though you didn’t have to go to all this-”
“Nonsense!” Rarity cut me off immediately. “You’re crucial to the entire operation, and humans do have lower tolerances for gravimetric forces than ponies. We will be fine, but we need you to be fine as well!” She batted her eyes and smirked. “Besides, you look good in orange.”
“Better not let Twilight or Fluttershy or Spike hear you say that,” I muttered to her as we walked and trotted out from behind the alcove we’d taken for Rarity’s adjustments. Rarity just smiled dazzlingly and shook out her mane.
“I’m sure we could come to... Some arrangement,” she purred, wiggling her flanks just slightly. Manfully I ignored this as we got back to the ship, which was no longer on the ground. Rather, it was floating atop several small, puffy clouds that Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were pressing and shaping into position.
“Depending on how fast this thing gets,” Dash said, “it’ll lose a lot of the clouds for support! I’ve built them tough but...” She looked at me with a frown. “If Twilight’s right about this thing only being able to glide at high speeds, and turn, then even with the clouds and the spells she’s cast-”
“I know,” I said with a nod. “We’re probably only going to get one shot at this...”
“Are... Are you sure about it?” Fluttershy asked softly. “A lot is depending on you...”
I smiled at her and shook my head. “I helped come up with this crazy idea, you know.”
“This thing going to even fly? Does it have any fuel left?” Dash asked further, crossing her front hooves over her chest.
“According to the computer,” Twilight said from inside the Sophia, “it has just enough for our purposes if I’ve done the math and magic right. And the reactor can still power the weapons so she won’t be helpless even if we can’t move.”
“And you’re sure you can work it?” Dash asked me. I shrugged.
“Well, now that we’ve had some time to mess with it... I can at least make it turn,” I said. “Though I’ll need both of you to help,” I said, looking to Dash and Fluttershy. “Otherwise we’ll go splat.”
“Splat is for losers!” Dash said with a grin. “And that’s not us!”
“Y-Yeah!” Fluttershy said.
Twilight smiled as she poked her head up out of the ship. Then she looked towards the far end of the hangar. “APPLEJACK?! ARE YOU READY?”
“JEST ABOUT!” Applejack shouted back at the huge, wrought iron double doors at the end of the hangar. She had taken hold of one of the huge chains, and was pulling on it. Slowly, slowly, it began to creak open.
“Well, come on Space Monkey,” Dash said cheerfully. “Hop in!”
I allowed myself a smile at her, and a nuzzle with Fluttershy before I got just enough of a boost from the cyan pegasus to clamber up top. I slid into the pilot’s seat, and began to strap myself in. Rarity soon joined Twilight, who was sitting in the tight back space of the ship’s cockpit behind the seats.
In the co-pilot’s seat, of course...
“Oooh! All this glowy stuff!” Pinkie Pie squealed happily, having managed to get her hooves on what looked like a children’s spacesuit. “How do you humans get anything done?”
“Carefully,” I said dryly. Twilight nodded, and looked up at the top hatch as Rarity fastened herself and Twilight in with the makeshift restraints. My purple marefriend took a deep breath.
“All right! Dash! Fluttershy! Tell Applejack to-!”
The ship shook, and we all looked at eachother. We then looked at Pinkie, who was twitching like crazy.
“Wasn’t me!” She squealed. “This is a ‘The Alien Queen is about to Bust through the roof on us’ twitch!”
“Alien queen-?” The wall I’d previously fired a maser shot at shook, and with a burst of green fire Chrysalis and a flock of Changelings flew through.
“FOUND YOU!” She cried.
“Aw crap!” I shouted. “HANG ON!” I grabbed the throttle for the Dreamchaser, and threw it forward. I was thrown backwards, as were my companions, as Sophia leaped forward. We could hear yelps and screams of Changelings as they must have been caught in the engine exhaust. It was a little hard to worry about them.
“DASH! FLUTTERSHY!” Twilight shouted. We heard the taps of hooves on the hull, and saw Rainbow Dash’s hoof on the side of the windscreen as the ship raced forward. I was briefly relieved, and then a new source of stress loomed ahead of us.
“APPLEJACK! OPEN THE DOORS!” I shouted. I didn’t expect Applejack to hear us over the roar of the engines, but the orange pony was nobody’s foal. Fool. Whatever, she had seen the Changelings bust through and had forced herself between the two partially opened great doors.
“Ooh... Keep the hatch open, keep the hatch open!” Pinkie Pie warned loudly. I shook my head but kept my hands on the control stick as the distance between us and the doors was slashed in half every second. Twilight and Rarity’s horns glowed, and they were going to direct their powers at the mighty doors...
When with a last buck of effort, Applejack kicked them open and leaped up on top of the Sophia as we passed through! She tumbled into the hatch, and Pinkie squealed happily as the orange mare landed on top of her. Twilight thoughtfully shut the hatch, and I angled the Sophia up as the tunnel began to slope.
“Well... Think mah mornin’ exercise is concluded,” Applejack said wryly as she got behind the seat. I nodded and grinned at Pinkie Pie.
“Okay Pinkie, guide us out of-!”
“RIGHT!” Pinkie screamed. I looked ahead and yelped at the wall coming up, and threw the ship to starboard. Another twist came up, and Pinkie screamed “DOWN!” The Sophia dove, and I swear I heard Dash swearing up a storm outside.
“UP! LEFT! MORE LEFT! RIGHT! SLOWER! DOWN! RIGHT! DO A BARREL ROLL!”
And I obeyed every single one of Pinkie’s cues, because otherwise we were never going to get out of the apparent labyrinth that were the tunnels underneath Canterlot.
“Remind me to find and buck the teeth outta whoever built these Celestia damned tunnels!” Applejack moaned, looking a bit sick. Pinkie then grinned as we spotted a light at the end of our purgatory ahead and above us. A pink tinged light.
“There! Go! Go! Straight!” Pinkie cried. I kept the ship as straight as I could, and I saw Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both clamber up to the nose. Dash managed to give us a glance over her shoulder, while Fluttershy just covered herself in her wings and kept her eyes shut. I looked to Pinkie and Twilight, who both nodded.
“Pinkie says, PUNCH IT!” Pinkie cried. I grabbed the throttle, which I had moved only a little to get the ship moving, and rammed it forward. The mighty VASIMIR engines on the heavily refitted space ship roared, and the tunnel became a blur. Rainbow Dash visibly strained, her every muscle tense as she pointed her nose forward. Vapor formed ahead of us and I gritted my teeth as the flight suit did everything it could to keep me conscious. My stomach felt like it was being forced into my spine and my lips were being pulled back...!
With the roar of our engines we broke into sunlight, flying up at the pink shield. In a matter of seconds we’d hit and be smashed to nothing. The mares and I all screamed. Rainbow Dash crouched and with all her might, thrust forward! There was an explosion of light, brighter than the sun!
The result was so amazing it's a shame I couldn't see any of it due to being right at ground zero of the effect. Right now I’m just transcribing out of the journal of an eye witness.
It goes:
The sound was like a mighty dragon’s voice bellowing at the skies; commanding it’s will with a force that shattered the visible light spectrum. A complete rainbow-palette rippled through the sky with near blinding effect. And in a display that could marvel even the most heartless lords of un-life, Canterlot was bathed in a glow of hope emanating from the streak that trailed in her wake, curving from side to side and slashing through the rows that made up the dark changeling horde...
… like Celestia’s holy blade forged from the fires of the sun - striking off the head of an Ursa Major. Umm... okay, I’ll admit, that bit wasn't in the journal. I just made that up trying to segway to the next part of the story.
- - - - - -
Right. We flew on, accelerating up into the sky. I blinked my eyes free of spots, and groaned as I finally was able to see again.
“Dash! Fluttershy!” I gasped. Pinkie smiled brightly.
“Don’t worry! They’re okay! I don’t have the ‘Oh no! My friends were annihilated by a point blank Sonic Rainboom!’ doozy!”
“Ya actually have one o’ those?” Applejack asked flatly. Pinkie frowned.
“Well I don’t actually want to feel it... It’s a doozy I hope I never feel! I’m not entirely sure I’ll know what it is but I don’t want to know it! So I know they’re fine!” She looked back at us. “Right?”
“I’ll take it,” I said. There was something wrong and it took me a moment to figure it out...
“Uh... Andrew? What’s wrong with the engines?” Twilight asked. I looked at the control panel and groaned.
“We’re out of fuel,” I said flatly. Rarity smiled.
“Well! That shouldn’t be too much of a problem,” she said. “We’re quite high up, right?”
I looked at the altimeter. “We’re threee thousand feet and...” Falling down. Not like a rock, but we were heading down like an angel on vacation. “Screw it... Twilight! Think you can land the ship in the city?”
“Er... Maybe?” Twilight said. “I’m getting a headache from all this magic I’ve been casting-”
“Good enough!” Applejack said. “Bring us around!”
I brought the Sophia around, but thanks to the fact I didn’t have Dash or Fluttershy to help with the steering it was a wide turning radius. Still, I was able to put Canterlot in the center of the windscreen.
“Uh... Andrew? You might want to slow down first,” Twilight said. I glanced back at her and then back at the city.
“Why? What’s-Oh,” I muttered. We’d shot right over it. “Right... Hard to steer her now...” I made another wide, wiiide turn, and got the craft pointed at Canterlot again... And overshot it again, though at least we buzzed several Changelings on this pass.
“There a reason you ain’t shootin’ at anything?” Applejack asked.
“If I could get a lock on anything, I would!” I retorted.
“Can I shoot the gun?” Pinkie Pie asked eagerly.
“If you can figure out how, do so!” Rarity cried.
“WHEE!” Pinkie said, poking at various buttons. “Oops! That’s the fan... Oops! That’s the soundtrack,” she muttered as Trombe! began playing. “Oops! That’s... What is this?”
“Damnit, if we keep this up and I can’t burn off enough speed this is going to turn interesting fast,” I muttered.
“Define ‘interestin’,” Applejack said.
“Oh God, oh God, we’re all going to die?” I quipped.
Hey, if I was going to die piloting a spaceship I was going to go out quoting Firefly. We flew over the city once more, and I brought us down lower once more. We were screaming several dozen meters over the towers, but I still wasn’t able to get a lock on anything before we flashed past.
We had at least dropped the forcefield around the city, allowing reinforcements in. However, we were probably scattering them and the enemy with each pass.
“Pinkie! Stop playing around and help for Luna’s sake!” Rarity squealed.
“Ooh! ‘Main Bus B undervolt, do this... Main Bus A, undervolt, do this... Why are they talking about a bus? Is there a bus on this spaceship? Where does it go?” Pinkie asked.
“PINKIE!” We all shouted.
“Right! Sorry!” Pinkie said. She hit a button, and the targeting cursor switched to her screen. “Yay! So, I just hit the trigger and... Uh...” She looked at her hooves, “oops...”
Rarity rolled her eyes and the trigger on Pinkie’s joystick began to glow. “Tell me when to-”
“SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!” Pinkie screamed as we once again buzzed Canterlot. Rarity yelped and pulled the trigger and the MASER hummed and crackled loudly.
"SHOOT MORE!" Pinkie shouted.
"I AM SHOOTING MORE!" Rarity shouted.
"STOP YELLING!" I screamed.
“We hit anything?” Applejack asked.
“What makes you think I know?!” I demanded. “I can barely make this thing turn! There isn’t a score counter!”
One more pass and Sophia was buzzing rooftops even as Rarity and Pinkie Pie kept firing the MASER. I barely avoided crashing into a tower, and we passed so close our teeth rattled. I looked back at Twilight with a wince as we flew back over the valley.
“Next pass, we’re going to hit something!” I said. Twilight grimaced.
“Okay, okay... Hang on...!” Her horn glowed. “Okay! I think I can bring us down softly... If you can find somewhere long and flat-”
“IN CANTERLOT?!” Rarity cried in disbelief. “Are you kidding?! We should bail out while we have the chance!”
“Maybe if ah got out and braked...?” Applejack offered. Twilight shook her head.
“Even you wouldn’t be able to do it, Applejack!” My marefriend cried. She closed her eyes. “I’ll just have to focus... And...”
The Dreamchaser began to glow around us, and we simultaneously slowed down but began to rise as we approached Canterlot once more. I managed to keep the ship on course, and I looked around for anywhere flat, wide...
“Does every building in this city have an angled roof?!” Applejack asked in disbelief.
“I don’t think they had landing spaceships in mind, Applejack!” Rarity shouted.
“Oooh... There’s a spot!” Pinkie cried. “Right there! Flat roof!”
“I’ve got it...!” Twilight grunted.
“Don’t fight me babe, we’ll bring her in together,” I said. I angled the ship towards the rooftop in question, and Sophia slowed down even more. I hit the drag flaps... By accident, but it was slowing us down even more. We came down, and down...
“Oh, right,” I said. “Landing gear... Knew I was forgetting something...”
“Landing what?” Asked Pinkie. I found the button and hit it, and just in time - We landed on the rooftop softly, and rolled to a halt. We all sighed in relief.
Seriously, with all the ways we could have died in the last few minutes I wouldn't be surprised if we all were sporting gray hairs by now.
“Phew,” Twilight said. I reached over to her, pulled her head close and kissed her on the tip of her horn.
“You are a the best unicorn ever,” I panted. Twilight smiled back happily and kissed me on the lips.
“Haa...”
“Oh yeah, like I didn’t do anything,” Rarity muttered.
“Quiet sugahcube, let ‘em have it out,” Applejack said with a smile.
There was a loud creak and the ship shook. We all looked at each other. Pinkie’s tail shook and twitched.
“... How heavy did you say this ship was, again?” Rarity asked.
“Get out get out GET OUT!” I shouted, frantically undoing the straps. The hatch flew open, and I grabbed Twilight first. I boosted her up out of the ship, and then Applejack, and Rarity and Pinkie clambered out after. I pulled myself up out of the hatch... And my foot caught.
“Ulp!” I looked down at my foot... Caught in the flight harness. The ship dipped as the roof crunched loudly.
“Oh yeah... I really needed this,” I muttered.
I saw my mares on another roof, looking across at me. Twilight gasped.
“Get out Andrew! GET OUT!” She shouted.
“Come on!” Rarity yelled.
“ANDREW!” Applejack shouted.
“DON’T BE SO STUBBORN!” Pinkie cried. “SURE IT’S A COOL SPACESHIP BUT YOU DON’T NEED TO DIE FOR IT!”
“WHAT DO YOU THINK I’M TRYING TO DO?!” I shouted back in exasperation. “Nngh... Hnngh...!” My foot was freed, and I was suddenly floating above the Sophia as she finally crushed the building under her weight. I sighed, and looked up at my two guardian angels.
“Did you have to wait until the last minute?” I asked wryly. Rainbow Dash snorted as Fluttershy blushed.
“We were a little held up being awesome all over the faces of the Changelings!” Dash said triumphantly. “Deal with it!”
“Oh I was so worried!” Fluttershy gasped, hugging me around my shoulders. I blinked and stared at my other marefriend. My other marefriend who had been at point blank range to a Sonic Rainboom on the outside of a spaceship moving at Mach one.
I sighed and hugged her back. “I love you so much.”
Fluttershy squeaked happily. Dash scowled.
“HEY! You’re kind of heavy, you know!”
“Sorry!” We shouted.
- - - - - -
Our path through Canterlot was amazingly clear. It seemed as though the majority of the Changelings had been directed into fighting the reinforcements that were coming through, leaving our part of town feeling almost deserted. Even above us, the Changelings were putting all their attention on the threats from the outside and not inside.
When we got to the chapel itself, there were dozens of unconscious Changelings of multiple sizes all over the place, and Chewie was guarding the entrance. I grimaced as I saw the state of my manticore-He was covered in cuts, bruises and burns.
“Chewie!” I shouted. My manticore looked up, and growled something almost happily. I rolled my eyes.
“No, I didn’t die in glorious battle before you have a chance to take my head,” I said. The manticore rose up and siezed me between his two great paws. “URK!”
“Aw, he’s happy to see you!” Fluttershy sighed.
“Feeling’s... Mutual...!” I gasped out, as the Manticore buried me in his chest fur. “Where’s Cadence?”
Chewie growled out that she was inside, and so with a nod I pushed against his chest. My manticore let go, dropping me on the pavement on my ass. “OOF!”
“Andrew! Are you all right?” Twilight asked urgently. I scrambled up to my feet, brushed myself off, and just gave an annoyed look at Chewie. The manticore moved off, clearing the path for us. I nodded gruffly.
“Yeah, I’m great, let’s just get going,” I said as I walked in as normally as I could. I wasn’t sure but I think I’d broken something...
Okay, a whole lot of somethings, but I couldn’t show weakness around the manticore gunning for me, could I?
Nor with Twilight and Fluttershy nearby. Thankfully they trotted on ahead, leaving myself and Applejack to bring up the rear.
“Stubborn as a mule, ya know,” Applejack muttered to me as we entered the ruined interior of the chapel. I shrugged.
“I’ll rest when we win,” I said. “Not like we’ve got much choice.”
“Ah know,” Applejack said with a nod.
We rounded the corner back into the chapel proper, where Twilight had found Cadence, Celestia and Shining. The former was alive and well, if exhausted. Celestia herself was alive and laying on some pillows Cadence had gotten from somewhere, but she was still out cold. And Shining...
“Come on Shining! Please, snap out of it!” Cadence tried right to the face of the still brainwashed groom. “Please!”
“Have you tried Silvermane’s Hypnosis Breaker?” Twilight suggested. Cadence nodded.
“First thing I attempted. I've been trying to get through to him but nothing works!” This was the first time I’d actually seen her look frustrated all day. I couldn’t help a little smile despite my pain - Twilight took after her foalsitter more than she thought.
“Ugh... Even sexy time didn't work?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity gasped, scandalized. Twilight turned red, as did Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie was trying to rouse Celestia with a cheerful song accompanied by Applejack clapping her hooves, but that didn’t seem to be working. Dash huffed.
“What?!” Dash asked. “It’s a valid tactic!”
“Well,” Cadence began, rubbing a hoof on the floor, “I wasn't sure how far to go-”
“Okay!” Twilight said quickly, “I get the picture! Let’s just try things you haven’t!”
“Like what?” Dash asked. Twilight smiled.
“Simple! A major emotional shock!”
I snapped my fingers and smiled.
“Ah... Ah ah... I've got this, Twilight,” I said. I allowed myself a grin and walked up to the still zombified Shining Armor. I kneeled down in front of him.
“Ah... Andrew? Sugarcube? What are you doing?” Applejack asked, keeping time as Pinkie had brought out bagpipes.
“With the day I've had, I am going to let my alpha male do the talking. Ahem.” I took a deep breath. “Hey Shining! Guess what! This filthy, sweaty human has been doing it with your sister!”
“ANDREW!” Twilight shrieked, covering her cheeks with her hooves. Cadence’s brows raised very slightly.
“OOH! I knew it! I knew you weren't just playing Spin the Bottle!” Pinkie said, before resuming her song on her bagpipes. Dash rolled her eyes.
“Pfft. Everypony knew that,” the cyan pegasus said. Rarity nodded. Applejack sighed.
But I was just getting started.
“Yes! We have had freaky shapeshifting sex wherein she turned into a human and we did all sorts of filthy human sexy things! And she loved every moment of it. She is freaky, man! I couldn't walk straight for a week before the wedding!”
“Well... Thank you for confirming our suspicions...” Rarity muttered as Twilight’s coat began to look pinkish.
“What suspicions? Ya'll spy on 'em for new gossip!” Applejack huffed.
“I-I do not! I merely, er, check up on them to ensure they are happy!” Rarity defended herself, with a pink sheen to her cheeks.
“Which involves binoculars, huh?” Applejack asked wryly.
“I-I don't know what you're talking about!” Rarity cried, looking up at the ceiling.
“Yeah right...” Dash muttered.
“Applejack! I need a clopping solo!” Pinkie gasped.
“Fine, fine,” Applejack said, clapping her hooves faster with a roll of her eyes.
“But not as freaky as when Fluttershy is with us,” I continued, heedless of how Twilight’s mane was beginning to look like flames. “Hoo boy! Her human form is hot, man! There is not a man on Earth who wouldn't sell their souls to be with her! She's like a freaking succubus! We do it as a threesome! That's right! All. Three. Of. Us.”
“I-I-Eep...!” Fluttershy managed.
“So yes, in conclusion, I have been having relations - Vigorous relations - with your sister and Fluttershy and she has also been having relations with your sister! Regularly! Dare I say it, often! How does that make you feel, huh? Huh?” I poked Shining in the nose each time I asked, smirking in an effort to make myself seem like the douchiest asshole alive. “Huh?!”
But Shining was still staring blankly out at the chapel, eyes glowing light green. My hand smacked against my forehead.
“OH COME ON!” I shouted. “What the hell kind of big brother are you?!”
Cadence tapped me on the shoulder, and treated me to a gentle smile.
Sorry Andrew, but you're going to have to do better than that to make my Shining even blush.”
I looked at Twilight. My purple marefriend had let go of her rage, but now looked like she was about to barf. I really couldn’t blame her.
“Ewww,” we said together.
Fluttershy would probably have joined us, but she was too busy passing out.
“Well,” I sighed. “Guess we can try that with Celesti...A...”
I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up and my body freeze. I heard Chewie roar in challenge, and then he was cut off.
“Oh no!” Twilight gasped.
I was thrown off my feet by a great force of green magic, and I slammed against the wall. I grunted, and I stayed there as the dark form of Chrysalis emerged from a bonfire of magic flame. Her eyes were narrowed in fury, and with another wave of force everypony else was flung away.
“Urk... I... I haven’t made you mad... Have I?” I gasped out as Chrysalis stalked towards me. And I was particularly happy that my flightsuit had a catheter.
“You... You...” She snarled. “I tried everything, everything in my power to just get you to stop. To surrender. But you are just as stubborn as the rest of your insane species!”
“Well I-” I tried. Chrysalis just continued like I wasn’t even here.
“You know, when we first came across your world, I thought that it would be a bad idea! We usually go after worlds with far less technology, more love! I just thought you’d make a nuisance of yourselves,” she began. “But no! We needed to feed, and so I was sent ahead with others to scout! My first command, I was so proud.”
“Er,” I tried again.
“It started so promisingly, four of your years ago! We infiltrated human society, manipulated the elites of your society! The lawmakers, the politicians, the celebrities. We replaced the ones we could, and mind controlled the ones we couldn't. And of course, we took as many members of your news media as possible. It was surprisingly simple to manipulate them,” she said with a wry look at me.
And so much was explained. Chrysalis didn’t stop there, of course.
“Most of them felt that the majority of the human race were mindless drones or barbarians, easily manipulated and controlled. They had a very low opinion of anyone who didn't fit their notion of ‘one of them’. It seemed like a wonderful deal! So we took their viewpoint, ran with it...”
“... And when you were revealed...” I croaked out. Why weren’t the others getting up?! What was wrong with them?!
“Yes, it turns out that having a Harvard education does not make you an expert on anything,” Chrysalis said angrily. “You rebelled. Quite ferociously. My efforts for a subtle, simple arrangement to feed off your love and move on were blown to pieces. The rest of the Hive decided on open war, and that seemed like a good deal at the time. We'd seen your alien invasion films, we didn't think they could possibly reflect reality...”
Please get up, please! I thought desperately. But everypony was still down. Twilight and Cadence were around Shining, holding him tightly. Fluttershy and Dash were together in a pile. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were trapped under Celestia, and Rarity had ended up in a flowerpot. She was at least groaning, from what I could hear over Chrysalis’s rant.
“Yes, we paid dearly for that miscalculation. Your war machines were quite formidable, able to hold their own against our weapons. And you were very inventive, determined and ruthless. But we had billions of Changelings who could combine into warcraft, you had maybe a few thousand missiles and so forth - We thought we'd wear you down until you had no choice but to surrender! Turns out you were just distracting us from the construction of your very own space battleship. A truly international effort, between ordinary and not so ordinary people across boundaries of language, religion, and other nonsense. As much as I detest and resent you humans, I will admit you are admirable when pressed,” she said, scowling at me.
“Thanks... I think?” I managed.
“When we found out, the rest of the Hive wanted to drop an asteroid on you to force you to surrender,” Chrysalis said.
My eyes widened in shock. Chrysalis reacted defensively.
“It wouldn't have been a big one! We could have cleaned up the damage after you surrendered! At great energy expenditure, I might add-”
My friends and loved ones were stirring. I had to keep Chrysalis occupied. And fortunately, she was giving me the means to right now.
“It's still an asteroid! That's not the kind of thing you drop on planets unless you're a total asshole!” I shouted in very real anger.
“Oh yes, how horrible of us to come to your world and feed off your populace so we don't starve without causing you any undo harm! You just overreacted!” Chrysalis snarled.
“Overreacted?! You tried to take over my world and feed off of our emotions and when we figured it out, you threatened to drop an asteroid on our heads! Of course we reacted appropriately!” I shouted back.
“YOU BLEW UP MY BUCKING HOME!” Chrysalis screamed, loud enough to make my bones rattle from the force of it. But I was past worrying about internal injuries.
“YOU TRIED TO PULL A KT IMPACT ON MINE!” I screamed back.
“YOU ACTUALLY BLEW IT UP!” Chrysalis shrieked.
“AND GOOD FOR US!” I screamed back. “I’M JUST HAPPY I LIVED UP TO MY RACE’S EXAMPLE AND SCREWED YOUR PLANS UP HERE, TOO!”
Chrysalis roared, and seized me in a telekinetic grip. She tossed me out the double doors of the chapel, and I rolled through broken glass in agony. Chrysalis stomped up to me, rage written on every line of her face. I tried to get back to my feet, but only succeeded in my hands and knees before she threw me against the wall again.
“GAH!” I cried out, slamming into the floor. Chrysalis was breathing hard, desperately.
“You don’t know what you’ve done!” She cried. “You don’t know what... What...!” She seethed. “I WANTED YOU TO LIVE! I WANTED ALL OF YOU TO LIVE! AND YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!” Her aura burst into flames, hot enough I felt my skin redden from the proximity. I covered my face.
“So you know what? If you want to die so much, then DIE!” She screamed. “ALL OF YOU WILL DIE!” The flames shot out in an expanding dome like a nuclear blast, and I closed my eyes shut.
I thought about my home on Earth. My mom, my dad, my brother, my cousins and aunts and uncles.
I thought about my friends.
I thought about Twilight, Fluttershy, Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Chewie, Spike...
I thought about the fact I was going to die, a universe away from my home, finally running out of luck. And I guess... I guess I accepted it.
Well God... Here I come, I thought. I’d better get a high five when I go through the Pearly Gates because damnit, I think I’ve earned it.
Yeah I’m a bit conceited. Give me a break, I’ve had a long day and now I was dying.
The flames danced over me, and I heard Chrysalis laugh and cry out above me in triumph.
“ AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AT LAST! The Elements of Harmony and their human pet are dead! I have the power of the gods and I shall destroy Luna and rule over Equestria at the head of a reborn Changeling Empire! I will be the salvation of my race, the mother of a hive that will CONQUER THE STARS! I WILL RULE OVER THE UNIVERSE ANEW AND RETURN TO CONQUER HUMANITY AND... And... And...”
She sounded confused. Frankly, I was the same. I didn’t think death would take this long... Or feel this painful and non-burning... Or be this pink.
Wait. Pink?
The flames parted in front of me, and were smothered by familiar pink forcefields. Chrysalis’s eyes bulged in horrible realization.
“No,” she muttered. “No no no...!”
I slowly got up to a sitting position, as the Changeling Queen looked behind her. There, standing like a triumphant Captain of the Guard, was Shining Armor. Twilight, Cadence, Fluttershy Celestia, everypony was there, shining with magical power. Chrysalis gulped.
“No! No! NO! NO!” She was reduced to shrieking it. “NO! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULL-!”
A pink energy blast shot forth from Shining, Twilight, Fluttershy and Cadence and smacked Chrysalis through the wall over my head. I covered myself with my arms and grimaced at the plaster and dust that rained down on me. I peeked out to see my friends gallop up to me. I smiled up at them, not really feeling up to moving.
“Andrew! Andrew, are you all right?” Twilight asked.
“Yare yare daze,” I mumbled.
“He’s speaking gibberish! We’re too late!” Pinkie Pie gasped.
“No, I think that’s another of his culture references,” Applejack said dryly.
"There's a difference?" Asked Pinkie.
“... Did I just get saved by the power of love?” I asked.
“Not of you,” Shining snorted with a little grin. Cadence gave him a flat look, and he cleared his throat. “But of family... And loved ones,” and here he gave his wife and his sister warm smiles.
“Good,” I muttered. “Because I couldn’t think of anything else to save our skins...”
“Kind of corny when you think about it, but I’m not gonna!” Rainbow Dash said cheerfully.
“What a shock,” Twilight snarked. Dash scowled.
“Hey!”
The nearby wall was demolished, and a booming (happily) familiar voice filled the chapel as bells began to ring.
“VICTORY! VICTORY OVER THE CHANGELING SCOURGE!” Princess Luna cried as she flared her wings. Her troops joined the cheering, inside and outside the chapel.
“HUZZAH!” Added a grinning Spike, decked out in plate armor bearing a gun and sword, at the side of the Princess. Rarity actually blushed when she saw him, and I allowed myself a grin.
“Spike!” She cried.
“Rarity!” He returned. He got a kiss for his troubles, and his scales turned bright red. “Heheheh...”
The other wall was demolished by what looked like a steampunk version of a Styker armored vehicle, complete with whistles and guns. Up top was a stoic looking Smokestack, behind a crank operated gatling gun.
“Can’t anypony use a door?” Cadence muttered.
“I believe Luna has been setting a bad example,” Celestia muttered back to her princess. Cadence got a good giggle out of it as the front hatch of the vehicle opened. Three filly shaped blurs galloped out, homing in on three of our number.
“APPLEJACK!”
“RARITY!”
“RAINBOW DASH!”
Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo all found their big sisters (or big sister figures, in the case of Scootaloo) and hugged them. There was much laughing and joyful noise as reunions were made and excited voices were raised...
Hell, even Chewie was okay. Though I knew that thanks to Fluttershy relating it to me after all this. For now... There was another voice in the din. One that attracted all our attention.
“No, no, nooo...” Moaned a familiar voice. I was helped up to my feet, and I looked back through the hole in the wall to Chrysalis. She was lying in a pile of flowers and candies and looking about as miserable as I felt. Tears were pouring from her eyes. Smokestack turned the big gun on his vehicle on the alien Queen, as numerous other ponies trained their weapons on her too.
“No,” she moaned. “I failed... I-I failed... We’re going to die... I was the last... And that’s it...” She slowly looked up at us. “Go ahead,” she whimpered. “Go ahead... Finish me off!”
I felt a twinge inside my chest at this. A painfully familiar one. Luna opened her mouth, but I held up a hand.
“Wait,” I said. Chrysalis let out a bitter laugh, scornful eyes on me.
“Wait, you say... You should be the one killing me! You killed the rest of us! You have any idea what it’s like? Huh? To wander between stars, even universes, trying to feed your entire race? You have any idea what it’s like to-to be the last of your kind?! The only hope?!” She sobbed. “I was the only queen to escape the Hive! The only one! You maniacs killed the rest of us! All of us!”
She glared at me, eyes filled with pain and rage and defiance even with the full might of Canterlot leveled against her. She was proud, I’d give her that. Stubborn too.
So stubborn...
“So that’s it,” Chrysalis finished. “That’s it! Do me in! Eliminate this scourge and be done with it! Now! NOW!”
There was silence. Celestia caught my eye, and it was as though she saw right through me. I worked my jaw. She nodded. I sighed.
“... Didn’t you,” I began. “Didn’t you think of just... Asking for help?”
Chrysalis blinked, and looked at me as though I was insane. “... Asking?”
“We would have helped you, Chrysalis,” Cadence said. “Even someone like you.”
“Nonsense,” Chrysalis growled. “You wouldn’t have...!”
“Yes we would!” Shining said determinedly. “You didn’t have to do any of this!”
"If you hadn't invaded like a giant meany, then yeah!" Pinkie added.
Similar pronouncements were made by the rest of my friends, albeit some angrier than others.
“And we still can help you,” I said, taking a step towards Chrysalis. She reared back, eyes flashing green. Twilight and Fluttershy both gasped, but I took another step anyway.
At this point I was pretty much running on empty. I had even run out of fear.
“Help me?!” Chrysalis snarled. “I tried to conquer your world! I tried to kill you!”
“And guess what? You failed,” I stated. She winced. “But... I think we can at least all agree we’re tired of blasting and yelling at eachother...” I reached out a hand, “maybe... We could try something else.”
Chrysalis stared up at me. She looked back at the assorted ponies behind me. I couldn’t hear any dissension, though I did hear some grumbling in the direction of Applejack.
“... You’d... You...” She shook her head. “You and these ponies... Are insane,” she muttered.
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s why we get along so well.”
Chrysalis continued to stare at us. Very slowly, she lowered her head and sighed.
“Then I guess,” she began, “I will start with...” She took a deep breath, and almost looking relieved said:
“I surrender.”
- - - - - -
So... I would recount more of what happened after that but the girls insisted I be rushed to the hospital immediately. I would have argued, but I was a little too busy coughing up blood at that point. So much of what followed was related to me by others.
Chrysalis surrendered and ordered all of her Changelings to follow suit. They did so, though many were more reluctant about it than others and several of the older Changelings were unaccounted for.
Equestria agreed to harbor the remaining Changelings, and even to allow them to become citizens if they assisted and cooperated constructively in society. And given how much cleaning up they had to do, there was at least that means of generating some good will.
Though fortunately none of it horning in on my business. I needed to make a living too, you know.
The Changelings would pursue a symbiotic relationship with the ponies, rather than a predator/prey relationship. Something like “crop rotation”, they’d have to cultivate their “meals” and so on. And given they were shapeshifters, there was a lot of potential there if they stopped to think about it.
Frankly, the more I learned about the Changelings, the less I was surprised my species beat them. I mean sure, humanity is awesome. An atomic bomb powered battleship? Really awesome! But given all of these decisions... Yeah, really not surprised.
Not that I was going to tell Chrysalis that.
And there was one more condition.
One that Celestia related to us right after Cadence and Shining’s wedding was concluded and the happy couple was off on their honeymoon...
- - - - - -
It was morning in Twilight’s library, and I was sitting at the kitchen table. I was flipping through a book on carpentry while Spike was finishing up breakfast. He was still wearing the happy dazed smile from that damn kiss. Though I couldn’t complain too much about that - He at least wasn’t taking as many shots at me.
Figuratively... And literally.
Besides... We had other, bigger fish to fry.
Up out of the basement, looking more than a bit disagreeable, came Chrysalis. Queen of the Changelings herself. I looked over at this incredibly powerful being... And smiled.
“Morning Chrissy,” I said cheerfully. Spike snorted back, and returned to breakfast. Chrysalis grimaced.
“Ugh... Don't call me that,” she growled.
“What, you don't like that?” I asked. She trotted up to the table and laid her head down on it with a sigh.
“Sounds too froofroo... I can almost see the letters being written in pink with big, loopy hoofwriting,” she said with a tiny bit of a shudder.
“...Point taken,” I conceded. “Not much of a morning bug, are you?”
“Coffee... Just get me a cup of coffee. I don't know how I went a day without the stuff before I replaced Cadence,” she sighed happily. “That stuff is just... I can't describe it-”
“Nectar of the gods?” I managed with a wry smile. The queen nodded.
“EXACTLY! Good choice of words by the way,” she said happily. Spike rolled his eyes and pointed to the pot on the counter. She summoned it to the table with magic, and poured herself a mug with a look of contentment.
“Milk and honey?” I asked.
“No thank you, I’m not much for sweet things,” said Chrysalis while making a face.
I really should have seen that coming.
“Right!” I reached across the kitchen table and swept up the still-steaming coffee pot, pouring the Queen of the Changelings a cup. “Black it is.”
Twilight entered the kitchen next. She did a double take at Chrysalis, but frankly that was just habit. Chrysalis didn’t even seem to care at this point.
“Good morning, Friendship Intern,” Twilight managed. Chrysalis nodded with a sigh.
“Good morning, Twilight Sparkle,” she returned.
Forced pleasantires out of the way, Twilight trotted up next to me with a peck to my cheek. I gave her a warm smile.
“Morning babe,” I said.
“Morning Andrew,” she returned. I reached across the table and took the coffee pot, pouring my marefriend a mug.
Ah, coffee. I could relate how my morning routine revolved around brewing that sweet cup of salvation. Mornings were a quest undertaken under the warming rays of dawn, a rabid beast to be tamed. Though at the end of the dungeon there was no levelled enchanted weapon, or a treasure chest of loot, but a cup of hot, bitter, aromatic sobriety that kick started my day.
So while I contemplated the marvels of coffee, Chrysalis completely nuked the conversation with: “And once you’re done with that, would you be a dear and make out with Twilight for me?”
Now I can tell you, I have seen quite a share of spit-takes. But Twilight Sparkle’s reaction to Chrysalis’ comment was nothing short of epic.
It started with a small choke and a snort. For a second I thought the coffee would shoot out her nose. Her cheeks bulged and her lips puckered, and then it came. A squirt at first, like the jet escaping a child’s water-gun. Then things escalated from there, a geyser of hot tar erupting from Twilight’s mouth.
Now you ought to be pretty familiar with my luck at this stage, and if not – what story have you been following so far? So it was no surprise said geyser of coffee hit me right in the side of the head with enough force to throw me sideways out of my seat.
It took several attempts to find my chair again, more so out of shock rather than the daze. I was swatting at the little birdies orbiting my noggin while my other hand grasped for some kind of handhold. After a few fumbling attempts I managed to get a hold of the table’s edge and pulled myself up. The birds broke formation and dashed out the open window as I watched the insect-pony queen with saucer-sized eyes.
I half expected to see Chrysalis laughing to herself. I expected that comment to be some sort of underhanded Changeling joke.
Nope... she just sat there, watching bemused as the spit-take had unfolded before her, sipping her coffee calmly.
“... Pardon?” Twilight managed.
“I’m hungry,” the Changeling Queen said flatly.
Oh. Ohhhh.
Twilight blushed in realization, and looked almost shy. “So... Um-”
“Right now, provided it is convenient for you,” Chrysalis said, a hint of imperiousness in her tone as she waved her hoof. She eyed me with an almost seductive look. “Unless you require some... Instruction~?” She practically purred, licking her teeth with her tongue.
Twilight must have been picking up some of Fluttershy’s impulsiveness, because the next thing I knew I was on my back with the unicorn’s tongue down my throat.
Well... I can think of worse ways to end an adventure like this.
“Ooh, that’s good! But put put your back into it! Honestly, it’s like you don’t even know what you’re doing!” Chrysalis cried.
… They’re just not coming to me right now.
- - - - - -
OMAKE
- - - - - -
“What about this?” Twilight asked, her light going to a spotlight in the depths of the Equestrian archives. “Is this some kind of energy weapon?”
“No,” I said, “it’s a spotlight.”
“Oh...” She said.
“Um, Twilight, Andrew,” Fluttershy began, “I’m so, so sorry I didn’t-”
“It’s all right, Fluttershy,” I said with a smile. “It’s okay... Really...”
“Over here!” Dash cried. We ran over to her position, dodging through the various piles of stuff, before we reached her. The cyan pegasus was happily bouncing up and down on top of a large contraption.
“What is this? I bet it’s something super awesome that’ll totally eliminate all of the Changelings!” Dash said with a bright grin. I sighed and rubbed my forehead.
“Dash... That’s a combine,” I said.
“What does it do?” Dash asked with a grin. “Does it chew up aliens and spit them out?”
“It harvests wheat,” I said flatly. “And I doubt we could get it up to the surface anyway.”
“Ooooh!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing up. “I found something! I found something! I found something!” She held up a ray gun with her tail. “I bet this is some kind of super awesome amazing ray gun that shoots out love and power and-”
“Toy,” I immediately stated, recognizing it by the cheap plastic of it’s construction. Pinkie scowled.
“Awww...!” She tossed it away, and sat down on the floor with a pout. An energy beam shot out from the pistol and annihilated the combine with a loud thunderclap. We all slowly turned and looked back at Pinkie. She threw her hooves up.
"See? Like you said! It's just a stupid toy!"
- - - - -
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Every time I hear the words "wonder weapon" in the story, all I can think of is the old Nazi Zombies in Der Reise and Dempsey says, "Oh boy, a Wonder Waffle!"
You know, I can't believe I started something that ended up with Chryssie becoming Twi and Shep's awkward and disturbingly horny tennant...
What ever happened to "A slightly more realistic take on the "Human in Equestria" story concept."
Two things:
One:
FIRST!!!EDIT: Aww. Damn it all to hell, Jim!Second: You MUST make Shephard find a laptop with Half-Life: Opposing force on it, or at least a keyboard with the letters: E R I P A S D H N Highlighted in yellow. I mean seriously... Andrew Shephard, Adrian Shephard. The similarities are Amazing. Of course, you could have him find dogtags for one Corporal Shephard and I would be happy. Anyway, Nice Story, I think Ima follow you now...
If all of that didn't even faze Shining, I shudder to think what he and Cadance get up to in the bedroom.
........
2371316 For a given value of realistic, remember? It's all explained mathematically.
And that's how it's done.
SO. MUCH. WIN!
2371360 oh really, then lay it on me. Show me the math.
god damn 24:1 like ratio
Well done my friend, I do believe this story has run it's course, but good job keeping it on steady hooves
I can't wait to see what you do with the one shots 
This really is incredible writing. That is all
its takes me so long to read these updates cause I can't stop laughing
God, That's all we need. Pinkie with a ray gun.
Still waiting for a Mane Six orgy involving Chrysalis.
I am very satisfied with all these more frequent Hands updates... Now when's that bastard going to work on VS Equestria...
Oh boy, whatever comes next will be quite... interesting, now that Chrysalis seems to be a permanent addition to the crew.
2371316
Any story that brings Spaceships and Alien Invasions to Equestria AND manages to involve an Orion Drive?
I think I'll let this one slide.
Yes, it was absolutely worth it. First order of post-arc business: Introducing Chrysalis into Andrew's harem.
Because bug pone.
Yeah...bullshit. They can say that NOW, looking back. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. Just like how they could have negotiated with Discord to allow a moderate amount of chaos that doesn't hurt anyone, and how they could have talked Nightmare Moon down by promising really hard that ponies would treat the night like they do the day.
And Chrysalis had some legitimate points there.
I assume that was also a Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Abridged reference, right?
Oh geez, Chrissy became a pet of the sorts.
At least she's house trained.
2371560 Yeah. But at least Chrysalis can be reasoned with.
2371360
It is my firm belief that the increasing lack of realism in the story's later chapters is the result of Andrew slowly coming to conform with a fact about MLP that has been evident since the airing of the first episode: Everybody in Ponyville is CRAZY.
2371347 As soon as I finished reading your statement, the words "Weather vane" came to mind. As in Hard Reset and A Stitch in Time by Eakin. And no, we don't know what it is, only that Luna and Twilight think its awesome.
What?
2371460 As bad as that might be, it's still better than Wlie E. Coyote with an ACME catalog.
I knew if I waited the craziness would resume, and I wasn't disappointed. Especially the Firefly/Serenity references. All you missed was "No." "Yes." NO!" "YES!" "NO!!" as they approached Canterlot.
2371596 That, my good Verdigris, is open to debate. Though he is the best spokestoon for troll science.
Love the chapter one question what happened to the maniticore?
Good man.
I think I'm done with this fic... it's lost all its charm for me.
Oh god, that was fantastic. I liked how you played of the implied desperation of the Changelings (their queen was infiltrating herself after all) and that ending with Chrysalis in the library was just hilarious. I am really looking forwards to seeing more shenanigans with her in the future, especially with her getting hungry at inopportune times.
So, Chrysalis joins the crew, huh?
Wait...
Were those Jojo references?
You sir, have great taste.
Well...let's see how this plays out, hm?
~Have a good one.
I want more domestic Chryssy
2371316
Well it's true that Humanity would have been pissed at being manipulated by a freaky alien race that can shapeshift and we would have done our darndest to exterminate them or make them leave. That's realistic enough.
As for Chrysalis living with Twilight and Andrew...
I guess anything is possible...
2371648
Good question. Chances are he returned to the forest to plot the downfall of his friend/rival.
That said, Andrew, if you don't make Chewie a permanent sidekick, I'mma have some issues.
I wonder what nightmarish mayhem Andrew will be dragged into next. A turtle from the Moon? A giant yellow mushmellow? Or a talking angry rainbow slinky? Only time will tell...
Awesome!!
Thoroghly entertaining as always.
Did Chrysalis want to be part of the herd too? Also did that kiss, mean that Rarity will leave him alone at last?
/)'3'(\
it's the only expression that applies right now.
2371345 Or maybe Mass Effect
WOOHOO this IMHO is my FAVORITE story on this site. ^_^
I'm glad I woke up at 6 in the morning, woohoo,
Lost it at Put your back into it.
Classic.
2372030
NO, I DEMAND HALF-LIFE REFERENCE!!!