• Published 7th Mar 2012
  • 97,094 Views, 4,778 Comments

Hands - Andrew Joshua Talon



A slightly more realistic take on the "Human in Equestria" story concept... For a given value of "realistic."

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Endgame Homage

Hands

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction

By Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.

- - - - - -
I really shouldn't binge the MCU movies... Quite so often. Set during Season 9... With a twist.
- - -

Well... I'd never intended to make a career out of doing the smart thing. I wouldn't have gone to school for anthropology, if that was the case.

This though... This had to top the list of the stupidest things I'd ever done. And that's... Quite an amazing list.

Okay, so... In short: A few villains had united together to overthrow Equestria with their own evil friendship. Cozy Glow, a psychopathic little pegasus mare who wanted to rule the world. Tirek, magic eating centaur asshole. King Sombra, dark unicorn fallen emperor who was dead but got brought back. Grogar, the actual Grogar, some kind of... Goat thing. Kind of the devil in the eyes of Ponykind. He seemed to have been Discord in disguise for something stupid... But turns out, it was the actual Grogar, returned.

He'd killed my manticore. Chewie, one of my best friends. So yeah, I agreed.

And worst of all... Eris. A conniving spirit of chaos from another universe, who was born stuck on 'bitch' and had kept going in that direction. She was the one who organized this shindig, seeking to move in on Discord's 'turf'. They'd used Grogar's Bell to steal the magic of... Pretty much everyone in Equestria. Except for me, being without magic.

And I had stupidly decided that, hey, maybe I could use time travel to stop this... Unfortunately, the closed time loop effect seemed to be... In effect, here. I couldn't make any actual changes. Mainly because I only had the closed timeloop spell. Not whatever the fuck Starlight Glimmer had used. Or maybe it was... I don't know, time travel is fucking confusing.

Sorry. Missing my best friend. Makes me cuss a lot more.

So... I'd had to improvise. And that meant getting close. Very close.

So... I had to get captured. While my friends were locked in Tartarus, and the land was under the rule of these monsters.

A large hoof slapped me across the face, and sent me face down into a puddle of my own teeth and blood on the grassy ground. Telekinesis yanked my hair and pulled me up, as I struggled uselessly against my bonds. And there was Eris, sitting pretty like a cat that got the biggest canary. Since she was a cat, this was fitting. The rest of her little villain cadre were lounging around a giant floating throne, as hundreds of ponies were forced to bow around us.

"Did you really think you could succeed? That's adorable," she cooed. "Sneaking into the library for a time spell... How cute. Didn't get very far, did you?"

I shrugged, and coughed. "No... Though ya know... Time and space are kind of the same thing, so maybe I did go a long way. Or maybe I just went how long it takes you to go down on the first guy who seems interested."

I got slammed into the grass again, and I groaned. I could hear some ponies cry out-Familiar voices. Eris yanked me back up into the air, as she sneered. King Sombra laughed.

"Spirited! Humans always are," he laughed. "But then, breaking them was always so much fun." His teeth glinted. "I certainly look forward to breaking you, little monkey..."

"Wait," I said. "Don't you want to know what I did?"

Eris raised an eyebrow. "I think I'd rather kill you and be done with it," she said. She lifted her claws up. I stared death in the face, calmly. I didn't know if I was close enough. I had to be sure though...

"No, please, don't," I deadpanned, as she pulled me closer. Her razor sharp claws glinted over me. Sombra pouted.

"But Eris! Please! I so want to torture him," Sombra whined.

"I'd love to torture him too, Mommy Eris!" Cozy cooed. "I wanna see how long he can last!"

"This is for that B-, isn't it?" I asked. Eris shook her head, and her claws rested against my throat.

"Humans are fun to torture... But this one has a hero complex," she said. "And if we let it get into his head for even an instant that he has a chance, he'll do something stupid."

"Actually," I said, pressing my fingers together, "I already did: Three thousand years ago."

The base of the bell exploded, sending out a loud gong! Eris cried out and tossed me away. I landed on the grass roughly, panting hard, as the colors from everything came back. The ponies around me gasped and cried out, their colors and magic restored. I sat up, as one unicorn ran up and used her magic to cut my bonds. I grinned at her and stood up. Eris was gaping in disbelief, cradling the wrecked remains of the bell in her claws. Grogar shot me a venomous, but impressed look.

"So," the great goat said, "you couldn't be satisfied with your failure... You used time travel to cheat."

"Go chew a can," I shot back. Eris grit her teeth, as she began to vibrate in rage. Cozy flew back, looking terrified.

"You... You hid a bomb in the bell... For three thousand years," she seethed. "Not a trace of magic-"

"Save the magic already on the thing," I grinned, panting hard even as the ponies around me panicked and galloped for safety. "The only thing that preserved that tiny bit of plastic explosives."

"I must admit," Eris said, crushing the ruined bell into splinters, "you're quite clever! Yes... Clever... But not clever enough." She raised her hand, and send a blast of energy at me. I threw myself to the side, but the blast cooked my side and slashed through my shirt.

"AUGH!"

I fell, panting hard, holding my side. I slowly got up onto my feet, feeling blood rushing out of me. I looked up. The villains were advancing, Eris grinning in savage glee.

"Rip him apart, I'll keep him alive," she hissed. "As long as it takes. Sombra! Your army, now."

Sombra grimaced, but his eyes glowed. Hundreds, thousands of pony shaped shadows appeared-The Umbras. Sombra's race of shadow ponies. Large ones of dark crystal, small ones resembling Heartless, and plenty of other nasty creatures. I didn't have any weapons. I didn't have a plan beyond this.

I took a deep breath. "As long as one being stands against you," I said, "you won't claim victory."

"I can live with that," Eris sneered. "But you won't."

"Fuck you too," I gasped back.

I know I'm very big on the dramatic speeches, but that? That was... All I could come up with. Well... I just didn't expect to live past this moment. Which I was fine with, on some level. If it gave everyone else a chance to live, to win... Whatever it takes.

One of the shadow ponies fired a crystal arrow right at me, and I shut my eyes... Only to hear it bounce off. I opened my eyes, and a pink shield was shining in front of me.

"On your left."

I looked over on my left... And wearing that smug ass Captain of the Guard grin of his was Shining Armor, with Cadence alongside. I grinned back.

"Still got those gay ass pink shields, I see," I said. "How'd you-?"

Portals opened everywhere around me, shutting me up. Each portal showing a different location, and each one disgorging beings.

From the Badlands, the Buffalo tribe emerged with Appleloosan settlers. The ponies were armed with Smokestack brand firearms, the buffalo with the same.

From the mountains came Kirin, already lighting up into flames. Autumn Blaze led them, shooting me a happy grin as she burned.

From Griffinstone, hundreds of Griffin warriors in steel armor flew in, led by Gallus in his own armor and the Griffin King, Gregarious.

From Yakyakistan, Prince Rutherford with hundreds of Yak warriors, all with murder in their eyes.

From the Dragon Lands, Dragon Lord Ember and dozens of huge, furious looking dragons.

From the swamplands, the Changelings led by their King Thorax. With a rather reticent, but happy Chrysalis-Her eyes brightened as she caught of me, and I returned the smile.

From the dataspace, Queen Megan and Molly and several other human programs, all glowing in their magitech armor.

And from Canterlot, Cloudsdale, and dozens of other Equestrian towns, hundreds of seriously pissed off Pegasus, Unicorn, Bat, Crystal and Earth Pony warriors in every kind of armor with every kind of weapon you could imagine. I recognized so many of them.

Doctor Hooves, with his sonic screwdriver ready to go, and Derpy at his side.

Tempest Shadow, formally a villainess herself and now, a Royal Guard with a broken horn but incredible magical power-And a warm smile for me.

The Ancient Pillars of Equestria: Stygian, Mistmane, Flash Magnus, Somnambula, Mage Meadowbrook, and Star Swirl the Bearded, all looking grim and ready to fight.

The Great and Powerful Trixie, who was already getting the fireworks ready with a grin at the villains, and a wink to me. Oh dear. That might be trouble.

Maude Pie, ready with several stones she could hurl like cannon shells.

The Wonderbolts, already flying point with the other Pegasus guards and other flying beings here.

Ironwill, the tall, imposing minotaur with a whole school of ponies in tow. He punched his fist into his palm, and snorted.

But my eyes were soon fixed on one portal-Out of this one came nine familiar figures: All alicorns. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were resplendent in ancient battle armor, while the other alicorns... Kind of weren't.

"ANDREW!" They shouted, and I managed to give each and every one of them hugs and kisses. After all, wouldn't you?

Twilight Sparkle. Applejack. Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash. Rarity. Fluttershy... Even Starlight Glimmer, though I pushed her over towards Sunburst, who had come up with the Crystal Empire Ponies. Luna and Celestia shared grins with me, and flew up to organize their troops. I was busy hugging and kissing, as said before.

"Andrew, enough!" Twilight said with a teary grin. "Are... Are you crying?"

"N-No," I muttered, "that's just... Liquid pride."

"That's not liquid pride," Shining muttered. I shook my head and turned back to the villains. And there was a deep, primal satisfaction in me as I beheld their fear and uncertainty.

Something that only grew as Spike, growing kaiju size, let out a roar that made the Earth shake underneath us. Yeah, we had Gozilla on our side-Motherfucking win.

"Well! Quite an impressive little army I managed to pull together, isn't it?" Discord asked, appearing in a flash. He snapped his fingers, and I was decked out in amazing battle armor, with a shield, and my trusty extending metal staff. "So, Sword of Equestria? Anything you want to say before the gigantic battle for the fate of the universe?"

I turned and grinned at him. "You know what I'm gonna say, don't you?" I asked. Discord shrugged.

"I figure, you've earned it," He said. I looked back at my marefriends. At my friends, at all these strange disparate creatures, all brought together in common cause. I looked back at our enemy. Even Eris, the normally unflappable chaos goddess, was looking hesitant. Good. I lifted up my staff, and raised my voice.

"FOR EQUESTRIA, AND ALL LIFE ON THIS WORLD, I TELL YOU ALL!" I pointed my staff right at our foes, as the crowds roared with me.

"AVENGERS... ASSEMBLE!"

- - -

Author's Note:

The fic is discontinued! I've tried and tried, but it just needs to end here. But I may add a coda, we'll see.

Comments ( 44 )

He'd killed my manticore. Chewie

Aw.....also big time skip.

Yeah, we had Gozilla on our side-Motherfucking win.

I mean, yeah. Once you have Godzilla, all other arguments are invalid.

Heh. Nice.

Comment posted by LEGION55 deleted Feb 3rd, 2020

Lol.

Grogar, the actual Grogar, some kind of... Goat thing. Kind of the devil in the eyes of Ponykind. He seemed to have been Discord in disguise for something stupid... But turns out, it was the actual Grogar, returned.

Did everyone hate that plot twist? :rainbowlaugh: I know I was seriously disappointed.

Really though this is awesome! I would like to eventually know how it all went with 'your' Chrysalis and Thorax, though.

I also like the idea of the big final battle being a trifle more equal, what with the Umbrum hordes joining the Legion of Doom and maybe Grogar's troops from Tambelon for the battle that's gonna settle who will rule Equestria.

Were you high when you wrote this?

Eh. Not a fan of this, it really did nothing for me.

Well, that was awesome.

I'm guessing that at some point somepony magicked his teeth back in, or he'd be spraying blood with that last phrase.

Eh. I've always been a sucker for the whole 'hero/allies army arrive to turn the tide' trope, so I found this highly entertaining. A fun little romp just for the tartarus of it. :moustache:

10065899
Didn't help that I was already disappointed since Sombra got the "Jake" Skywalker treatment.
At least here - he's more than just fodder, and he even comes with the Umbrum from his comics.

And then Grogar lifts his hoof with the Infinity Horseshoe attached, "Fool, I am inevitable!"

He snaps his hoof... don't ask how... magic, I dun gotta whatever. Anyway, nuthin' happens. "What?"

Andrew holds up his own hand with the EoH attached to HIS Infinity Horseshoe... uhm… he suddenly has a hoof on one hand because reasons! "And I am the Self-Insert OOC who always wins because author favoritism!" Grogar is all like Darth Vader, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" SNAP!!

And then the villains all turn into pretty rainbow glitter and float away in sparkles, because that makes them dying look much happier! :pinkiehappy:

And then Andrew dies. Until the ponies gather the Dragons' Balls (Ember, "Thank god I'm female...") to wish him back!

:pinkiecrazy:

10066797
Better ending than I deserve really.:raritywink:

You can't change your past. Ergo, make a change that will only impact things after you get back. Makes sense to me!

10066930
That's how you're *supposed* to use it. It doesn't violate causality if the response to your call for help arrives the instant after you send it, even if it took them months to prepare.

10065899
I didn't mind it but I wanted his motivation to be to reform them. Partly because it *almost worked* and partly because I was sick of the 'Twilight loses confidence' plotline from the previous eighteen times they'd done that plot that season.

"You have my axe!"
"And my bow!"
"And my Highlander!"
"...Your what?"
[90-tonnes of robotic war machine executes DFA]
"Oh."

I think I have to disagree. I think this worked wonderfully as a coherent story.

Your world, your way so as long as your having fun wrighting it.

10068293
Yeah, I have to disagree. Without the proper buildup, this scene falls flat, it's hollow.

And i thought you pull something like:
Human: is that everyone?
Discord: what you wanted more!!?ಠ_ʖಠ

About the series of one-shots, are you going to follow the "MLP Loops" style?

10091332
Yeah, I was like that back then...

I'm actually kind of embarrassed by it now.

Okay, so... In short: A few villains had united together to overthrow Equestria with their own evil friendship. Cozy Glow, a psychopathic little pegasus mare who wanted to rule the world. Tirek, magic eating centaur asshole. King Sombra, dark unicorn fallen emperor who was dead but got brought back. Grogar, the actual Grogar, some kind of... Goat thing. Kind of the devil in the eyes of Ponykind. He seemed to have been Discord in disguise for something stupid... But turns out, it was the actual Grogar, returned.

Wait, wwwoooaaaahhhhh, King Sombra is dead? Last we heard, he was the present ruler of the Crystal Empire...

I was looking forward to seeing how that situation got resolved.

I am so dam glad to see this old favorite up and going again 😁

10244286
...no it doesn't, it just makes it hard to read.

10308954
So, just an Ad Hominem?

10342375
No, it was just an insult, you dipshit. Go study what logical fallacies actually are before you hurt yourself using big words you don't understand.

10344919
You can't argue the position, so you insult your interlocutor. Nope, I think I understand what I said.

10345202
No, you don't. Logical fallacies only apply to arguments.

10345616
You responded negatively to his statement, that's starting: a discussion involving differing points of view; debate. Also known as an argument.

10350145
No, you dipshit. I'm not contesting anything he's saying because I give no shits about it. I'm mocking him for bringing it up at all because he sounds like a fedora tipping atheist, and that annoys me.

It's an insult, not a debatey argument. Learn the fucking difference.

Why was this canceled?

10428114 That would be... interesting... :derpyderp2:

10066858
Why was hands cancelled?

9971838
Blah Blah Blah Christmas is about cookies and presents and santa now

10461887
The original story was just done on a lark, and as I went on it became more and more convoluted. So I decided I'd start fresh and reboot it.

This was a very fun read, thank you for writing it. I'm sad to reach the end of the original, but I'm also excited to read the reboot.

I hope there is more to this its FANTASTIC

Ah, its ending? Shame. Curious on the digitalpony cutie marks.

Well that's a shame well at least it was good while it lasted.

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