Applejack!
Applejack
“Howdy there, Mister Cake! What can I do ya for this fine autumn day?”
“Hey there, Applejack! I need four bushels of apples for baking. Can you spare that many?”
“Sure thing, pardner! I got plenty a’ apples fer everypony! Let’s see here… If yer’ gonna be bakin’, ya’ need ta try summa’ these here ambrosia apples. They’re nice and sweet, and they don’t bake down too much, so they won’t make your pastries all soggy. Say, what kinda treats y’all makin’ today?”
“Well, we’re going to be making some fried-apple ponut pies, some fat-bottom turnovers, cream-filled apple balls, cake eclairs with sticky apple drippings, and some apple-cherry poppers. If you want to stop by later, I’d love to give you and little Apple Bloom some samples, I bet she’d love to get her apple-cherry popped! Speaking of which, where is Apple Bloom? Doesn’t she usually help you out on Saturday? I’m sure she’d want a taste of my cream-filled apple balls, too.”
It wasn’t until Mister Cake mentioned it that you noticed your little sister wasn’t at the stand anymore. You glance around the market and look for the big red bow that is undoubtedly weaving through the crowd somewhere. That little varmint done went and snuck off… Well, I’ll just have ta go find her as soon as I can close down, won’t be too long. You look back at Mister Cake and fake a smile, burying your frustration with your little sister and saving it for later. “Well, she probably ran off with her friends. No tellin’ what kinda’ trouble they’re up to out here. I reckon I’ll have ta go find her after I finish up.”
After pausing to take a quick inventory of the remaining apples, you decide to seize the opportunity to save yourself some time and make someone’s day. “Now then, you wanted four bushels? Tell ya what, if ya take five I’ll cut you a deal. How’s twenty bits a bushel sound?”
“Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Applejack. I’ll be sure to tell Cup about your generosity. A good, honest businesspony always keeps loyal customers. That’s part of the magic of having a business like ours! Of course, it always helps when you can provide the ponies at your shop with a bit of laughter.” He winks at you as you take a moment to think about what he said.
You giggle a little bit, then reply, “Y’know, I feel the same way, Mister Cake. Nothin’ better than having your hard work pay off for you, and being able to supply lots a’ ponies with fresh apples. If ain’t none of us has to worry about goin’ hungry, well, I reckon it helps us all live t’gether in harmony. Celestia knows we all have to deal with enough chaos ‘round these parts.”
You glance over your shoulder and at the resident ‘Lord of Chaos’ sitting atop his throne of swirling technicolor clouds. You both share a knowing glance and a slight grimace before going back into the conversation.
“I couldn’t agree more, Applejack…” Mister cake looks back over at Discord one more time before turning back to you. “Well, it’s been nice chatting with you. I think it’s about time for me to head back. I had to take a break after whipping out all that cream for those eclairs. I made a double-stuffed batch just for Rainbow Dash. She sure seemed hungry, too. The way she crammed the whole thing in her mouth like that was pretty impressive. She didn’t even lose a drop of the cream, either... That filly sure is something else.”
Mister Cake drops a bag of bits on the table with a smile, then loads the apples onto his cart. You take another glance around the market to see if you can spot Apple Bloom, but there are so many ponies crowding the market that it’s hard to see too much beyond your own table.
“Well, you take care, Applejack. Don’t forget to stop by the shop once you find your sister, I want your opinion on what we’re about to make!”
“Alrighty then, Mister Cake. I’ll stop by on my way home.”
He sets out on his way back to the bakery and you watch as the crowd parts to make room for his wagonload of apples. With the last bit of business of your day out of the way, you start packing up and shutting down, all the while keeping an eye open for any signs of the infamous Cutie Mark Crusaders. Those fillies have an incredible talent for causing trouble, specifically the kind that involves lots of apologies and some hefty repair bills. It’s probably best if I find Apple Bloom as soon as I can, all these ponies out means she could be causin’ a whole heap o’ trouble.
Finally, you finish packing up the cart and head into the crowd, looking for any sign of chaos and property damage along the way. Now then, if I was Apple Bloom, which way would I go?
***
“Alright girls, let’s go!” You scurry under a table with your friends in tow.
“I-I don’t know if this is a good idea, Apple Bloom.”
“Aww, c’mon Sweetie Belle, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“Well, the last time you asked me that, we ended up getting chased by a herd of angry jackalopes!”
“That was one time, and it wasn’t that bad. We ended up getting away just fine!”
“Ugh! The only reason we didn’t get our flanks impaled by a bunch of horny rabbits is because Applejack and Rainbow dash saved us!”
“Okay little miss dictionary, there you go saying all them big words again. Impaled, what does that even mean? And them horny rabbits yer talkin’ about ain’t so scary, they’re just rabbits with antlers!”
“Yeah, giant rabbits with lots of sharp, pointy horns on their head. How is that not scary? You were just about to get spit roasted by a couple of those things until Applejack and Rainbow Dash teamed up and started pegging them!”
“Yeah, Rainbow Dash was so awesome!”
“Scootaloo!” you and Sweetie Belle say in unison as you give her a dirty look. It really doesn’t seem to phase her, she’s just standing there staring off into space with her wings sticking out... She’s been doing that a lot lately. You roll your eyes then punch her on the shoulder, snapping her out of the trance.
“Alright, let’s get to it! All we gotta do is sneak out of this crowd, then look around ‘til we find the only stand that doesn’t have ponies at it.”
“Why do we have to find a stand that nopony wants to visit?”
You roll your eyes at Scootaloo’s ignorance (maybe hanging out with a walking dictionary isn’t such a bad thing), then reply, “Because, featherbrain, we have to find the worst salespony out here! We all know ain’t nopony gonna buy anything from Anon, so he’s the worst. That’s how we find his stand. It’s simple!”
“Are we really gonna do this?”
“Yes, Sweetie Belle! Why are you being such a chicken? That’s Scootaloo’s job.”
“Hey! I’m not a chicken! I’ve done more crazy stuff than either of you!”
“Whatever makes you feel better, Scoots. Now, let’s go get ourselves a salespony cutie mark! This is the perfect way to test out our skills.” I bet we can help him sell everything he has! And get our cutie marks, too!
You hear a collective sigh from the girls as you rush ahead, leading the way to adventure… and maybe even some free stuff!
Breaking through the crowd was pretty easy, but being so short also has its disadvantages. Trying to find this empty stand will not be as easy as escaping the crowd.
Too bad Scootaloo’s wings are so useless, it would be nice if she could fly over everypony and see everything, like a pegasus is supposed to. It’s okay though, we still love her just the way she is.
After about fifteen minutes of walking around the outskirts of the market looking for signs of an unpopular vendor, you finally see a lone, empty stand on the edge of the crowd. There’s a table full of things under an area covered by a large tent. It’s easy to see the table, but it looks kind of dark in the tent so you can’t see inside. If you’re honest with yourself, you’d admit that you’re just a little bit creeped out. You’ve never really tried talking to Anon, but all the ponies say some pretty weird stuff about him. Fortunately for you, you aren’t honest with yourself, or your friends.
“Alright girls, I think I found it. Y’all see that big, brown tent over there with nopony around it? That’s gotta be Anon’s tent! Now, how are we gonna do this?” You look at your friends expectantly, only to find them returning the exact same look. After a few moments of awkward silence, Sweetie Belle decides to chime in.
“You’re the one that came up with this idea, Apple Bloom. I thought you had a plan!”
“Well… I needed more information before I could make any plans. I mean, you can’t plan for something if you have no idea what that something even is!”
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo look at each other for a moment before focusing a collective glare on you.
“So basically... what you’re saying is, you have no idea what you’re doing. Great.”
“Look, all we have to do is go up there and help Anon sell stuff. What’s the worst that could happen?”
“Well, we could get ponynapped, eaten, turned into child slaves, pincushioned by a group of Anon’s deviant friends…”
You laugh. We wouldn’t need to do this if Anon had friends.
“Aww, quit being a bunch of little sissies. Let’s get down there!” You take off, yet again leading the way.
A few moments of galloping later, your group arrives at its destination. After a bit of snooping around, it doesn’t seem like anyone’s at the stand. The tent has a black sheet draped over the entrance, so you can’t really see inside. The three of you listen for a moment, but don’t hear any sounds coming from within. A large, shelved display table sits under the canopy of the tent, it’s covered in a wide array of stuff. You see strange canned food items in big glass jars, metal tools, paintings, even some wool hats, scarves, and boots.
“Looks like we hit the jackpot, girls! There’s all sorts a’ great stuff here!”
Scootaloo picks up a jar, shakes it a little bit, then holds it up to the light. As it settles, you can see tiny little bits of fruit floating in the jar.
Sweetie Belle chimes in, “We probably shouldn’t mess with his stuff... Let’s just put it back where we found it and wait ‘til he gets here. That way, we can ask him first.”
You roll your eyes at Sweetie Belle. For such a smart filly, she can be pretty dense sometimes. “Don’t ya’ see? We’d never sell anything with him here! But if it’s just us… everypony in Ponyville will come! Who wouldn’t want to buy things from cute little fillies such as ourselves?”
Sweetie Belle tweaks her ears and looks at you suspiciously. “Why did you say it like that?”
You hold up a pair of small, red stockings. “Ever see one a’ those magazines your sister has at the back of her book stand?” She nods her head. “Well, did ya’ ever notice all those pretty mares wearing stockings? They do that so ponies will buy stuff!”
Scootaloo perks up at that. “Yeah, I’ve seen a lot of magazines like that at Rainbow Dash’s place too, even some with the Wonderbolts! I bet if we try that, we can sell all this stuff!”
Sweetie Belle looks a bit apprehensive. “Um, I thought they did that to look… sexy.”
“Well, duh, that’s the idea!”
Scootaloo nods her head in agreement. “Yeah, Sweetie Belle. If we can attract their attention with our filly appeal, we can sell them anything we want. It’s perfect!”
Sweetie Belle lays her ears back sheepishly. “I-I don’t know girls… I don’t think it works like that.”
“Come on Sweetie Belle! Quit being such a pansy! Put on the prettiest stockings you can find and let’s earn our cutie marks!”
***
I swear, when I find that filly, I’m gonna tan her hide! Then I’ll get Big Mac to take her to the woodshed! That’ll teach the little varmint!
Fighting your way through the crowd of ponies at the market is not the easiest task. Fortunately, you were able to leave the apple cart in its spot. Trying to drag that heap around right now would probably be impossible. You know they aren’t at Sugarcube Corner, or Carrot would have told you by now. You haven’t seen a minor catastrophe happening anywhere, and there’s nobody screaming uncontrollably. This is either a good sign, or a really bad one.
Eventually, there seems to be a thinning of the herd, and the crowd of ponies slowly opens up into an empty row of stands. After walking around the fairly vacant area for a few minutes, you see something in the distance. It’s hard to make out the details, but it looks like ponies dancing on tables.
What is tarnation is that?
You trot closer, taking more of the scene the closer you get. Eventually you see what you were looking for all along, a big red bow bobbing up and down. Apple Bloom… There’s Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, too. What are they doing? And what are they wearing?!
As soon as you get close enough to really see what’s going on, your jaw drops. Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle are all jumping around on a table, and they’re all wearing frilly stockings up to their knees!
What kind of horrible pony makes stockings for fillies?! And why in Equestria are my sister and her friends wearing them? You stay in the background, making sure your dull, orange coat doesn’t stand out. Being careful to remain unseen, you get closer to the table and get a good vantage point.
I have to find out who in the hay is responsible for this!
You scope out the area and wait to see what happens. After several minutes of watching the fillies playing around on top of a display table full of merchandise, you notice something moving in the tent. A black curtain opens up and you see a familiar human step out from the darkness.
Anon! Of course it was him!
He walks up to the table and talks to the fillies for a couple of minutes. It’s just a bit too far to hear what they’re saying, but he looks like he’s explaining something to the girls. You watch for a few more moments, unsure of what to do. Finally, you see him reach out and rub Scootaloo on the head, moving down her mane, then going straight for her wings. They spring out to her sides, buzzing slightly as he runs his fingers across their feathers.
Oh, sweet Celestia! What is going on here?
Immediately, you jump over the table you were hiding behind and gallop to the fillies, leaping through the air and snatching Scootaloo from Anon’s vile clutches. Once she’s safely on the ground, you whirl around, facing a very startled looking Anon with a snarl.
“What in the hay do you think you’re doing with these fillies?! You’re lucky I don’t jump over there and double-buck you into next week, you filly-fiddlin’ ape!”
Anon looks completely shocked to see you. He must have thought he could get away with this without anypony noticing.
“Apple Bloom, you and the girls take those stockings off this instant!”
The girls comply, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom grumbling and complaining the whole time. Only Sweetie Belle had the good sense to pipe up and say, “I told you girls this was a bad idea… You never listen!”
“Girls, I don’t know why you’re here, or what you’re doing, but we’re leaving… now! let’s go!” The girls dejectedly trot over to you and gather around. “Anon, I don’t ever want to see you around these fillies… or any other fillies or colts, as long as you’re around these parts! You best stay clear of me and my kin, too. I’ll make sure Big Macintosh knows about this. Let’s go ladies, we’re leaving!” As your herd of little ponies trots behind you in silence, you look back over your shoulder to see a very upset looking Anon watching as you trot away.
I think I better go talk to Twilight about this...
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Bonus prize to the first place winner.
Okay, okay, juuuust started.
Mr. Cake, Mr. Cake, Mr. Cake....
Is this gonna be a theme in this chapter?
oh god the innuendos..... the things that should not be said in polite company..... that was cringe worthy... we need more.
It's the whole goddamn chapter.
6014831
There is no need to be upset.
Well then. That was unexpected.
wow you alive wow you are alive
I hope the next chapter not be long
I know how to resolve this situation anon
6014867
What, you don't appreciate the gift of a long chapter?
This entire chapter summed up quite nicely.
6014883
Yeah... that is one way to interpret it.
6014850
Upset is not the right word.
Astounded.
Well, that was a thing. And it wasn't even really his fault this time around.
Also, fuck me but I am surprised. I really never expected this to come back again.
6014899
I'm glad you liked it? Also, since you commented first (even though you cheated by not reading the whole chapter) you get to place a vote for the next pony. I'm only doing each of the mane six, and Twilight is last. So yeah, there's your bonus prize!
6014906
I've been working on it for a while now. I never really stopped... I just worked extremely slowly. It's a problem that I have, procrastination is a very real struggle.
6014908
Well that means it's Ponkie Po and Rarara left.
Eh... what would even upset Pinkie short of trying to feel her up in a manner even a human would find to be too much?
I'm curious on that, so Pinkie Pie.
6014923
I'm hardly a model example of diligence or anything, but procrastinating on 2.5k words for half a year is pretty impressive even to me.
6014930
Alright then, you got it.
FINALLY!!!!!!
I'M CRYING LIQUID PRIDE OF JOY RIGHT NOW!
UPDATE!!!!
WE'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG
6014946
Glad you're still with me, jazzie. Hope you liked it!
6014941
You have no idea how distracting my life is.
YES.
SO MUCH YES.
THIS IS FUCKING GREAT.
Well, looks like Twilight, Rainbow, and the CMC have some apologies to make.
I really love this fic's humor. And I'm really not sure how I feel about that.
6015010
Glad you like it!
6015016
Why does Twilight need to apologize?
6015020 She needs to apologize for not properly introducing Anon to pony society.
6014923
ALL HAIL LORD PROCRASTINUS! GOD OF TOMORROW!
Here in the cult of Procrastinus, you will join millions of worshipers all across every college and workplace in the world. Join in adoration as we... ehh, I'll finish this speech later.
poor anon, hopefully someone starts talking to him soon instead of yelling. but i doubt it
6015019
It's okay since it's a comedy. You can like it.
6015022
Well, it is her responsibility to clean up the mess before the ponies rally up a lynch mob. Knowing her, she'd apologize for the ponies' behavior, so I guess that's a likely occurrence. That doesn't necessarily mean she owes him an apology though.
6015028
Exactly. I'm happy there's someone out there that understands me!
6015029
Eh, it'll all work itself out in the end... One way or another.
6015020 Because if Anon had just showed up one day, I'm sure he would have met Twilight. And Twilight, being resident princess, would probably have been the one to explain Equestrian culture to him. And because what is common knowledge to them, is foreign to Anon, some small things like, "Don't touch other ponies wings" and, "Don't give ponies salt" would have slipped under the radar entirely. So Twilight is partially to blame for the wing touching, because she didn't explain what is, and what is not, "Bad Touch Territory". And the salt for not explaining what ponies can, and can't eat.
6015060
Well, ponies do tend to be pretty bad at taking measures to ensure things don't go wrong. But, everything will work itself out for poor Anon in due time.
No one even bothers to explain whats going on to anon. How exactly is he supposed to learn? If the M6 of all ponies dont i doubt anyone else will. Apple jack is in character but wouldnt the CMC explain what they were doing?
Why did he have child sized sockings if the only place he could see them was in sexy magazines?
Also the hell is floating fruit in a jar for?
Mr. Cake did not have enough innuendos, he seemed to only have 5 per sentence, should be hitting 8 minimum. They were also too undertoned, I think most of your readers missed them. You have to be way more blunt with your innuendos.
Oh my Scootaloo... oh my.
Man Anon, dude are you really this oblivious to how Euestria works?
Read a book noob.
Also nice job on this man!
//lolz
6015157 that's sorta the whole point of the story, we can only hope that twilight finally explains stuff
6015257 I guess? It just reads kinda strange that anon doesn't even ask as to what the cmc were doing in his store. He is just there to get berated.
6015157
They knew better than to try and speak.
6015184
Anon probably doesn't even know that's a thing. I mean, why in the hell wold he look at pony lingerie magazines? And thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to make my innuendo more clear next time!
6015218
Glad you like it?
6015284
He literally just walked out of his tent, had a short, unheard conversation with them, then got rushed when he started petting Scootaloo. We never had any interaction with Anon, so we don't know what was said, or what he may have been thinking. It's up to you to imagine the missing details.
6015296
Fuck yeah I like it, this shit is legit.
6015317
Awesome. At least someone enjoys it. If you like this, you should check out Polar Opposites. It's actually one of the most fun stories I've written.
6015184
It's "canned" fruit of some sort. Open the jar, eat the fruit.
6015326
How can they not? This is great!
I think I shall check it out!
Keep up the great work mate! :D
I think I finally figured out Anon's real name... It's Brian. Bad Luck Brian.
6015028
I'll sign up later.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/1/4/799325__safe_solo_tumblr_ask_wat_ruby+pinch_artist-colon-haute-dash-claire_coin_ask+ruby+pinch_one+wat.jpg
Really?
Really really?
I'm not even gonna say it...
I think I see where this is going.
Yep, exactly what I thought would happen.
-cracks knuckles, settles down into the comments-
6014877 Yeah, that is weird. Who doesn't like long chapters? Also, who could mistake this chapter as being long? It's actually an average sized chapter in terms of satisfaction after reading, in my opinion anyways.
My favorite chapters are the ones that are 12-18 thousand words, but since I read really fast that might make me biased.
6014899 Considering this fic, mo' like "ass pou--" ahh, fuggetaboutit.
Cringing. Cringing all the way through and enjoying it thoroughly.