• Member Since 25th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Anonymous Assassin


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A collection of short stories that make light of cultural differences and misinterpretations between species. Shit gets hella awkward, yo.

I'm so sorry, Anon...

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 322 )

this look fun.
You get a cute pony for your work.
derpicdn.net/img/2014/12/18/787433/thumb.gif

5399033
Thanks! It's silly, I know, but it was a good bit of fun to write. I'll have the Fluttershy version posted up pretty soon, maybe within the next couple of days.

This. This needs to be a thing.

The real question is, can you find other things to build the next chapters on

Totally getting a "xenophilia" from this and i need more

Right, so Pegasi it's their wings & Unicorns it's probably their horns, but what about Earth Ponies?

Can't be their legs or hooves, otherwise Applejack'd be a masochist.

5403049
What about the frogs in their hooves? The soft tissue might be really sensitive, like our toes & fingers.

5403049 ears man... it's all about the ears

salt, never understood why ponies don't like itr, I eat salt a lot (Like these pretzels i'm munching on)(

5403481 wouldn't that apply to all pones?

5403481
In some stories that I've read in the past, salt is like a drug for the ponies. I thought an accidental drugging would be a funny situation, not to mention it was a really convenient way to get Fluttershy into an awkward situation like this.

5401383
It is quickly becoming a thing.

5402687
We'll see what happens.

5402938
You're getting more.

5403049
5403481
5403566
Each pony race has its own special erogenous zone and, of course, they're all sensitive in similar areas that I should not have to point out. Well, except for the boring ponies, they don't get to be special.

5403508 In the episode Over a Barrel, there was a saloon called 'The Salt Lick' that a drunk pony got tossed out of. Ever after that, bronies got it in their heads that ponies get drunk off of salt. Because they're stupid. So in this fic, Fluttershy thinks the 4-chanfag tried to get her drunk so he could molest her.

Salt licks are mineral deposits that tend to attract animals that need essential minerals in their diet. This makes a salt lick a natural social hub for these animals, much like saloons for humans.

Makes me want to see a fic where characters from "My Little Human" comes to the pony world, and the ponies won't let them drink water because one episode shows a drunk getting thrown out of a saloon called "The Watering Hole" and they think humans get drunk from drinking water. Because they're stupid.

5403481
I would have to agree

While this looks kinda interesting, I absolutly cannot stand it when fics call the human "Anon." It interupts the flow in my mind as I read. Oh well good luck with your story! :twilightsmile:

5403640

Because they're stupid.

I endorse this comment. But to be fair, this is the internet, so it's pretty much a given.

JBL

And then Fluttershy reports Anon to the guards that he drugged her and then molested. Anon was sentenced to 10 years in prison. The end.

Salt in Equestria usally ends with a "Hell yes!!" or "Hell no!!" kind of situation.......sadly poor Anon got a bit of both.

5403592 I'd wonder if earth ponies would have both increased sensitivity to things of a persistent complexity, including vibration, texture, sound, light, and temperature. Pegasi I can see being more attuned to quick changes than static environments - in Anon's case, touches which move over and around the wing areas, never settling for long.

The earth pony equivalent would be a touch which stayed in the same place, described a small or repeated motion, and/or moved slowly. The constant heat of a sunbeam, fireplace, warm embrace, or summer, or the cool of a shadow or pool, rather than the quick temperature changes of flying through a cloud or galloping in and out of shade.

I get the impression pegasi would love quick, dancy rhythms, bursty speech, and high energy, whereas earth ponies would like slow music with sustained notes, long and repeated strokes with a coat-brush, and derive comfort from predictability and repetition. (Pinkie Pie aside. But then again she was derived from Surprise, so... yeah.)

5403640 Personally, I think it's just a funny gimmick that has little to nothing to do with people being stupid.

Then again, this IS the Internet. Stupid is inevitable.

5403640
yeah, humans are stupid and I could see tht, I could see that

5403871 exactly, ears are the pony's weak spot
(Spread the word)

I like this chapter a lot. The theme here has been done many times before, and while I'm not find of using "Anon" as a name, the scene itself is very well done. Even all the innuendos that went into that order... That was pretty uncomfortable to read...

I do think that last line is detrimental though. The implication of what dash was going to do as she sank further into the cloud is plenty. Spelling it out like that feels crude and cheapens the rest of the scene.

5403640
5404194
There is a little more to it than that. Yes, it started out with The Salt Lick saloon, but also consider that salt has been considered as the default way to stop magic in mythology for centuries. A circle of salt is one of the oldest ways to block out magic, a pinch of thrown salt is said to dissolve spells, etc...

Now what happens when you add salt to creatures that rely on magic? If you put the two myths together, then It messes them up. Like alcohol displaces water when you get drunk, salt would displace their natural magic reserves, giving them a different kind of drunk.

5404493 That makes a lot of sense...head-canon accepted!

5403640 You also seem to forget he had salt all on his lips as well.

It was also called the Salt Block, and the owner himself yelled out. "THAT'S ENOUGH SALT FOR YOU!"

Like people didn't even watch the episode if they're just calling people stupid. :ajbemused:

Sure it's technically used as a G Rated version of what should be there, but hey, work with what you got if it amuses you. :pinkiesmile:

5404493 Oh yeah, there is that. Frankly, I hadn't thought about that particular application of salt at all. When I think about anti-magic what comes to mind is cold iron or some sort of magical Unobtanium.

5403640
Isn't the point of most cartoons to make stupid things seem funny? The "watering hole" scenario you just described is a classic example of cartoon humor. Ponies, man. Ponies.

5404150
You have put waaay too much thought into this...

5404194
Exactly. It's cartoon humor. Why would I even try to make sense?

5404446
Well, I wasn't exactly going for a literary work of art... Hell, I didn't even expect many people to read it at all. Never even considered it'd get featured. Thanks for the feedback, everyone!

I despise the actual use of "Anon" as a character's name. It infuriates me.

Having said that, this was otherwise not a bad chapter, even if the innuendo was so obvious it caused pain on impact. :rainbowlaugh:

5404752
Good, I'm glad you suffered as much as I (sometimes) do when I read stories on Fimfiction. Don't worry, not all my stories are AiE stories. The idea for this story just happened to come from one of my AiE friends, and it was written thusly. I'm glad you enjoyed the pain of reading it enough to let me know how much it made you suffer.

HURRR HIS NAME IS ANON IT'S SO STUPID. I PREFER NAMES LIKE JOHN OR CHRIS. WHY DON'T YOU APPEAL TO ME? I CAN'T SELF-INSERT WITH A NAME LIKE ANON. STOP TRIGGERING ME.

I'm expecting more comments like that.

Edit: Looks like I was too late.

5403875
5404752
If you worry more about a name than the actual story, I think you're reading for all the wrong reasons.

PLOT TWIST

Anon knows exactly what he's doing.

Ugh, anon. Just thinking aloud here, but Why does he have to be so oblivious! Everyone must think he's some kind of pony rapist Now! Poor anon... :fluttercry:

D48

I like what you are doing with the story overall because culture clash is always fun, but I do have two issues with the presentation which I find significantly detract from the enjoyment of reading the story so I would strongly recommend going back and editing them out because that will not take very long and will do a lot to improve the story.

First, the story is told in second person while following one of the mane six which is very strange. Second person in English is used almost exclusively for direct address (e.g. "I need you to do something") which causes serious disconnects when reading a story. Some people around here do use it for what is essentially reader-insertion fantasy, but that does not work at all when the point of view is clearly a canon character. The result is that the story comes off as you trying to tell a character from the show what happened to them which just feels wrong. To fix this, you should really convert it to either first person so it is like the character in question is recounting the story or a narrowly limited third person perspective so it is like a camera hovering over that character's shoulder (and usually seeing at least some of their thoughts).

Second, "Anon" is not at all a name and does not even remotely sound like one so reading that seriously hurts immersion. I think the story would work far better if you replaced it with a real name of your choice (I will arbitrarily suggest Aaron because it sounds kind of similar), but if you are dead set against that for some bizarre reason then you should at the very least change it to the Latin word Nemo because that at least sounds like a real name and has been used for a number of major fictional characters in the past (Captain Nemo from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is probably the most prominent example) while still retaining the same meaning.

I will track and read the story either way, but I cannot honestly say I like it with these glaring issues so I will not give it a thumbs up or add it to a public bookshelf while they persist.

5405030
This is an AiE (Anon in Equestria) style story. Stories like this are always written in second person, present tense. It's a particular style of story and it's written in a particular way. This story was intended to be silly, stupid, and funny. It wasn't meant to have deep storyline immersion or to develop characters that you can easily to relate to. If you want a story that is deep and immersive, you definitely need to look for something else, because this doesn't fall into that category. I figure the "I'm so sorry, Anon..." in the description would give that away.

5405030
>Can't read second person stories
Look at the idiot and laugh!

Also a name is a word you would use to address someone. Is Anon a word? Yes. Is it being used to address a person? Yes. Therefore Anon is a name and a great one at that. You should apologise to all the people named Anon out there.
He writes all these poems and inspirational quotes for people and you're just shitting on him because you don't like his name. For shame.

“Of course, Miss Dash, but it’ll take a while to whip up a load of cream. I already emptied my sack into the last batch. And I’m sure I’ll have to clean up a bit first. [...] Give me about twenty minutes.”

Well, crap. Twenty minutes is a long time, but you can wait. Totally worth it for some of Carrot Cake’s hot, sticky, cream filling

Please tell me somebody else caught this. :rainbowlaugh:

5405101
Oh, my... That is a bit suggestive isn't it?

5405030
I've read some stupid comments in my time, but yours should win an award.

Second person stories have been around for years, examples being: Stolen: A Letter to My Captor by Lucy Christopher, Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris, and City of Saints and Madmen by Jeff VanderMeer just to name a few. Your example of second person is actually in first person. (e.g. "I need you to do something") Second person perspective is totally a choice and preferred by people who read AiE stories. (Anonymous in Equestria).

Which leads me to your second problem: Anon. Anon is short of Anonymous. The reason this name is used is because this was written for the AiE group, hence why this story is in the AiE groups on FiMFic. I'll say it again: If you're concerned about a name, you're reading the story for all the wrong reasons.

As for your opinions on what you are doing with this story, let me tell you a secret that everyone is thinking to themselves: No one cares.

God, you're pretentious as fuck.

D48

5405060 Just because it is silly and funny does not mean you should ignore the way English works. That is like saying you are not going to use punctuation because you are not going for a deep immersive experience. English is the framework you build your story within, not a stylistic choice unless you and your readers are fluent in enough different languages that you can select one for stylistic reasons which I seriously doubt is the case here.

5404752

I don't like Anon either -- but ever since the Stanley Parable, I have substituted Stanley for Anon wherever I see it. It tends to help.

5404796
5404970
Its just a pet peeve thing, not a self insert thing. I dont down vote for it or anything. If anything I'm tempted to upvote this for being one of the better uses of another pet peeve of mine, second-person present tense, also something odd that usually throws off my reading groove. But I think it really works well with established characters (feels less "here's your gary-sue everybrony! put on his pants and go fuck some ponies) and the present tense (less of a peeve than the other two) really shows how fast this is going for the ponies, too fast to react :derpytongue2:

I might read this, I might not. The anon thing is my deal not yours (though it is a trope I wish would fade already) either way I did't/won't downvote a story I'm not reading for such a petty reason.

5405101

I did. I was caught between an epic facepalming or laughing. I did both. :facehoof::rainbowlaugh:

Hands brings all the mares around to my backyard. :trollestia:

Ok, we got the pegasi out of the way, now to fondle- er, find the other two kinds of ponies; Earth and Unicorn.

What nieve deviltry can Anon get in to next? :trollestia:

Tummy or neck rubs? Scritching behind an ear only to see a hind leg start twitching and kicking like a dog? I could see him crouched next to a certain purple unicorn who's napping at a table (after an all-night study binge), curious about the horn and touching it, tracing the spirals with a delicate fingertip or two. Probably enough stimulation to wake said unicorn into a groggy, half-aroused state. Since purplesmart overthinks situations often, the teasing hornjob will continue until her panic overcomes the arousal and she teleports away hastily to her room... or a cold shower. Once again leaving a confused Anon wondering, "I just don't know what went wrong?" :derpyderp1:

I'm guessing the issue over clothing was already settled? Clothes (pants anyway) must have been made mandatory for Anon by mutual agreement since human males are left swinging in the breeze all the time unlike stallions who can hide it. The pants are for the protection of innocent foals and easily offended mares who don't want to see somepony's junk at eye-level to them. That and human's lack a tail to cover their butt.

Shame on you, Rainbow Dash! You have to tell the poor guy!

5403640
I'm not sure if I want to thumb down your comment because you're being a bit rude, or if I want to thumb it up because your facts are correct and I like your story premise.

5403640
I don't know what it's like where you live, but saloons are not social hubs where I'm from. Saloons, bars, taverns, pubs... Only one purpose for them—to get stinking drunk. Maybe you'll go there with your friends, but not just to hang out.

Minor gripe, I know.

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