To Her Royal Highness Celestia Nova Solaris,
Before I begin this little tale of bum-fuckery, you should know that it was 100% not my fault. Those three are extremely impressionable, to the point of being borderline zombies. They came scrambling up to me, and scuffed my shoes in their rush. Naturally, I reacted in an appropriate matter and demanded recompense for their destruction of my private property. When I learned they had no money, I told them to "begin polishing".
Now, I don't know how things work here, but back on Earth TEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS DON'T TRY TO SLOBBER ON YOUR DICK.
I DON'T KNOW IF PONIES GROW UP FASTER OR IF YOU TEACH THEM FUCKED UP SEXUALLY DEVIOUS SHIT REALLY EARLY, BUT WHAT THE FUCK?! I'VE HAD THREE UNDERAGE FILLIES CHASING ME AROUND TOWN "EAGER" TO "BEGIN POLISHING". NOW MOST, IF NOT ALL, OF PONYVILLE THINKS I'M EITHER A PEDOPHILE OR A PLAYER. OR BOTH. I CAN'T EVEN GET INSIDE THE LIBRARY ANYMORE, BECAUSE TWILIGHT– THE DUMB FUCKIN' CUNT– LOCKED ME OUT.
AND THEY'RE STILL LOOKING FOR MY ASS. Or my dick, rather. I'M HOLED UP IN A CAVE WITH NOTHING BUT A BEAR AND A TIMBERWOLF. Oh, and Spike. I managed to swipe him from Twilight. Had to jump out a window, but he absorbed most of the impact. ANYWAY, THE BEAR SMELLS LIKE A NEW JERSEY SEWAGE PIPE AND THE TIMBERWOLF KEEPS LIGHTING ITSELF ON FIRE.
FOUR TIMES. FOUR. FUCKING. TIMES. I HAVE BEEN PARTIALLY SET ON FIRE FOUR GODDAMN TIMES. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR COUNTRY AND ITS CITIZENS. I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE GRIFFONS, AT LEAST THEY HAVE BACON.
Fuck Equestria and Everyone in it (except for you),
Anonymous (Hates It Here)
PS– Please save my ass, Princess
So, did they get sexual harassment cutie marks?
Bacon for the win...though that does beg the question, are pigs sentient in Equestria? We know cows are but from what I've seen pigs aren't.
So neither the bear nor the Timberwolf, which aren't attacking each other (though judging by the actions of the Timberwolf I'm betting it's a bit retarded) and a baby dragon and the animals aren't the slightest bit bothered by their new room mates? What a strange world he's stuck in. And the reverse-pedophile CMC. What a STRANGE world he's ended up in.
6188957
Retarded? No.
Trapped in a cave with Anon would make any Timberwolf suicidal.
6213987 I believe that Anon projects a mental field of such unbelievable hatred and vitriol that it encumbers the mind of any within its radius. So yeah, Anon probably makes stuff retarded by being around them.