Friendship is a WIP

by MonolithiuM

Mediocrity

Dear Princess Celestia,

I was bored so I actually went outside. Ponyville sucked but I saw an apple farm a ways off and I went over there because Twilight mentioned it once. Never have I made such a horrible mistake when walking where the sun shines. First of all, the roads are all dirt. For fuck's sake, Celestia, you could at least get this backwater, incestuous cesspool some decent cobble paths. Like, dirt? You guys have mix decks, flashlights, and arcade games but not proper roads? Get your fucking priorities straight, bitch. My shoes are dirty as hell because of your attention deficit disorder and I'm gonna have to clean the fuckers when I get back. And yeah I'm writing this while I'm walking, because I live in the moment and right now I'm pissed.

Anyway, I get to this apple farm, and then this orange hick gets all up in my grill, smelling like sweat and illiteracy. I almost gagged on the lack of education, like holy crap. This bible-thumping hillbilly tells me to try her apples, and I tell her that I'd rather finger my urethra than eat from her disgusting Jesus-ridden ranch. So then she gets all confused and tries to act like she's never heard of Jesus, as if I'm a fucking idiot and she was the smart one. So I try to get a rise out of her by insulting her lord and savior, George W. Bush.

She feigns ignorance throughout and just pretends to get really confused, so instead I turn to her apples, which she has a weird obsession with if you ask me. So I pick an apple from a tree, take a bite, and spit it back in her face. I then crushed the apple underfoot and called Jesus a faggot.

Finally, her facade cracked, and she clobbered me in the gut with a hoof.

These fucking Christfags and their manners, I swear. Like why can't they just see the light and

lajfm;lahfj aljb;klajlba;blhao'lnfhghkhdskhhs;ljshv;;skuewiwuic ncuhwhimyunqmqq;fmbvn;sksa'a'a

OH MY FUCKING GOD THESE PONIES CAN'T WATCH WHERE THEY'RE GOING I HOPE THE HOLY SPIRIT TAKES A HOLY MURDER SPREE INTO THIS TOWN AND ANNIHILATES EVERY LAST ONE OF THESE STUPID SHITS LIKE WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WRITING AND WALKING SHIT

Fuck you.

-Anon

Celestia gave a chuckle and filed the second letter away.

Author's Note:

I never said these would be long or in good taste.

Comments

[Tome Turner]

Oh Celestia you little chuckle fuck.

[Justinian I]

[Zexcoiler Kingbolt]

5648684 Applejack isn't pleased.

[WorldWalker128]

I would say I'm offended, but you gave the warning the title and I chose to read it and I'm not a whiny bitch like half my country seems to be these days.

[wlam]

I never said these would be long or in good taste.

Who even gives a fuck about "good taste," this shit is hilarious. Just make with the horsewords already, you lazy fucker.

[Marowak47]

Lord and savior George W. Bush? How the hell can you be so random and still make me laugh my ass off?

[Solo Wing of The Abyss]

I never said these would be long or in good taste.

I figured NOW MAKE MORE OR I SHALL HAVE A DEATHWATCH KILL-TEAM SHOOT SOME BOLTS UP YOUR ASS FOR FUN

[Shenzy]

At this point those are just insults.
Is this Dan? Not even Dan is this mad.