To Her Royal Highness Celestia Nova Solaris,
Before I begin this little tale of bum-fuckery, you should know that it was 100% not my fault. Those three are extremely impressionable, to the point of being borderline zombies. They came scrambling up to me, and scuffed my shoes in their rush. Naturally, I reacted in an appropriate matter and demanded recompense for their destruction of my private property. When I learned they had no money, I told them to "begin polishing".
Now, I don't know how things work here, but back on Earth TEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS DON'T TRY TO SLOBBER ON YOUR DICK.
I DON'T KNOW IF PONIES GROW UP FASTER OR IF YOU TEACH THEM FUCKED UP SEXUALLY DEVIOUS SHIT REALLY EARLY, BUT WHAT THE FUCK?! I'VE HAD THREE UNDERAGE FILLIES CHASING ME AROUND TOWN "EAGER" TO "BEGIN POLISHING". NOW MOST, IF NOT ALL, OF PONYVILLE THINKS I'M EITHER A PEDOPHILE OR A PLAYER. OR BOTH. I CAN'T EVEN GET INSIDE THE LIBRARY ANYMORE, BECAUSE TWILIGHT– THE DUMB FUCKIN' CUNT– LOCKED ME OUT.
AND THEY'RE STILL LOOKING FOR MY ASS. Or my dick, rather. I'M HOLED UP IN A CAVE WITH NOTHING BUT A BEAR AND A TIMBERWOLF. Oh, and Spike. I managed to swipe him from Twilight. Had to jump out a window, but he absorbed most of the impact. ANYWAY, THE BEAR SMELLS LIKE A NEW JERSEY SEWAGE PIPE AND THE TIMBERWOLF KEEPS LIGHTING ITSELF ON FIRE.
FOUR TIMES. FOUR. FUCKING. TIMES. I HAVE BEEN PARTIALLY SET ON FIRE FOUR GODDAMN TIMES. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR COUNTRY AND ITS CITIZENS. I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE GRIFFONS, AT LEAST THEY HAVE BACON.
Fuck Equestria and Everyone in it (except for you),
Anonymous (Hates It Here)
PS– Please save my ass, Princess