Hands
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
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Watching a pony give a gigantic tyrannosaurus a physical is... Well, it's a unique experience. It's kind of hard to describe in some ways, this tiny pegasus flying around this massive predator, asking questions and getting responses in the form of rumbles, bellows, and growls. Fluttershy even examined the mighty beast's teeth with the same precision as a dentist, flying into it's mouth at one point.
"Well, you're in pretty good shape," Fluttershy said at last, "but try to get more soy in your diet from plant eaters that eat it, and don't hunt so close to Ponyville-You don't want lightning shot at you again, do you?"
The tyrannosaur rumbled a negative, and then looked over at me. I stood very, very still, hoping it wouldn't see me. I mean, okay, slim hope but you can't blame me for trying right?
That stupid movie...
The T-Rex growled, and Fluttershy nodded. She looked over at me as well.
"Oh... I'm sure he didn't mean those things," Fluttershy said with an encouraging smile. "But he'd still be willing to apologize... I mean, um, if you want to?"
"Apologize? Sure, sure," I said quickly. "I uh... I didn't mean to call you fat and gluttonous. Very sorry."
The monster seemed to accept this, and with a turn of it's mighty head it headed back into the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy smiled brightly at me.
"See? Was that so bad?"
I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled at her. "I still could have been eaten."
"Oh no, I wouldn't have let her," Fluttershy said with a smile. She then frowned and rubbed her hooves together, looking nervous. "You... You didn't think I would, would you?"
I sighed, reached over, and patted her head. "Of course not... I mean, not for very long."
She sighed happily as my fingers brushed over her scalp, and I quickly pulled my hand back. She actually pouted.
"You know, you could make a lot more money with your hands doing massages than just... Um... Handyman work," she suggested as I turned and headed for the cottage. She followed along, hovering so her eyes were at my level. I avoided making contact though.
"Yeah... And then I'd get a hundred mares like Twilight wanting to do... Science with me," I said flatly. Fluttershy giggled.
"Oh no, she just wanted you to feel more comfortable! After all, you did help her... Um... Relax."
My hand met my face. The incident was not as risque as it sounded, really. I had recently found myself in Ponyville, with nothing more than the clothes on my back and a quickly useless cellphone. I had been allowed to stay at Twilight's treehouse while she did research, to live off her stipend.
To be honest, that didn't sit right with me. I hate living off of other people. Being a freeloader really, truly bothers me. To the point I have done stupid things to make money and prove myself useful.
In this case, during a late night study session where Twilight had heavy bags under her eyes, I had volunteered to give her a massage. A nice, friendly, simple massage. I've given them to my girlfriends and the general consensus was that I was pretty good at them.
Not that that was on my mind when I set to relaxing Twilight. No, not at all.
At least, not until she let out a very throaty, very human, very aroused sounding moan as my hands had worked out the kinks in her back. And then another, and another, and another... And then I stopped but she insisted I keep going and I locked myself in the bathroom...
Well... To avoid a long, uncomfortable story, I moved to Fluttershy's home.
"Let's... Let's just have lunch and then I'll resume work," I mumbled.
The butter-yellow pegasus nodded and we were bound for the kitchen of her cottage.
- - - - - - -
Fortunately, the next job was quite straight forward.
"Howdy Andrew!" The orange pony known as Applejack greeted as I stepped onto the porch of the Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse. I smiled back and nodded as I bent my neck and entered the house. Admittedly, I got onto my hands and knees to enter several other houses when I didn't need to. It was a bit of a habit, really-Made me seem less intimidating.
Applejack though couldn't be easily intimidated, so I didn't have to get down on my hands and knees around her. She could easily knock my block off, after all.
"Howdy Applejack," I returned. "What do you need done this time? It's not the plumbing again, is it?"
"Oh no, nothin' like that," she said. She turned and trotted into the living room, leading me to an old, sanded rocking chair. "It's Granny's rockin' chair."
"Oh?" I kneeled down and examined it. The leg was broken. I sighed.
"I could glue it back together. It wouldn't take too much. Add on some duct tape and she should be fine for a while." I shrugged. "I could just replace the leg entirely, but uh, the carpenter in town charges me for the use of his tools."
"Well, a little duct tape never hurt nopony," Applejack mused, "but the way she rocks it..."
"Ah. Yeah," I nodded. "Well, I'll keep it down as much as I can. Shouldn't be too much."
Applejack nodded with a smile. "Sounds good t' me... I was wonderin' if you could do somethin' else fer me while yer here?"
"Sure, sure, what?" I asked with a smile. Applejack winced and stretched out her right back leg.
"Mah back leg. It's been stiffenin' up somethin' fierce. Mind takin' care o' it?"
"Well..." I hesitated. Applejack gave me a flat look.
"Somethin' botherin' you?"
"Well, er..."
"If this is about you 'n Twilight, you can tell yer marefriend ah ain't out t' steal you," she said with a wink. I gaped at her and shuddered.
"I-It-What?!"
She laughed, pulling her hat over her face to contain her giggles. "Pffthahahahah! Hahahahah! Oh, oh, yer face! Hahahahaha!"
I scowled. "That is not funny."
"Little funny," Applejack snickered. "You didn't see yer face when you came runnin' out of her house."
"I didn't have to, I was wearing it," I grumbled.
"Come on. Ah'll throw in a few bits fer it," she said.
I sighed. "All right, all right..." I moved to the couch and sat down. "Just please, please, don't let it get around?"
Applejack chuckled. "Not a word." She turned around and backed up, lifting her afflicted leg up. I set it down in my lap and brought my hands down on it. I rubbed up and down it, very business like.
"Ooh..." Applejack groaned. I grimaced, and found the stiff muscle. I applied a massage, very mechanically, very focused just on that one muscle.
"Ahhh..."
"Would you please stop that?" I begged. Applejack coughed, and looked to the side.
"Sorry," she mumbled. I sighed and focused again on the job at hand. Hoof.
There was a joke in there somewhere and I really wanted to make it. It would be less uncomfortable than this situation. I mean, what the hell would anypony walking in here make of this?
"Eh? Applejack! There somepony in there?" A old, waverly voice asked. I opened my eyes and looked over at the door to the kitchen. Old Granny Smith hobbled into view.
"Jest gettin' a leg muscle worked out, Granny!" Applejack said with a smile.
"Yes, hello Granny Smith," I said with a cordial smile. Grandmothers were the same everywhere: Killing any possible sexual tension dead. I mean, not that there was... I... Damnit.
Granny hummed and trotted over slowly, coming right up to the side of my lap. "No no no! If you wanna relieve the tension," she took my wrist in her hoof, and pressed my hand down on her lower flank. "You press here."
Applejack gasped, her leg snapped up, and my vision was filled with stars and the flying debris of a wooden wall.
"Or... Was it the other muscle?" Granny asked, quiet through the ringing in my ears.
- - - - - - -
I wondered if I died. I mean, when I ended up in Equestria I thought I'd died and gone to Heaven. I had woken up in a beautiful meadow, wildflowers stretching as far as the eye could see and gorgeous mountains in the distance. A bright blue sky with only a few clouds above, and a sun shining brightly.
More than all this beauty was the fact my allergies seemed to be non-existent. I could look upon the full beauty of Heaven as it was meant to be appreciated, like in the Narnia books.
Then a giant monster had attacked, and I had run screaming through the forest like a total spaz crying out "GOD WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? DIDN'T I SUFFER ENOUGH WHILE ALIVE?!"
Which is when I ran into a purple unicorn. Who scared off the horrible monster with a blast of light from her horn.
I was thus wondering if I was not, in fact, dead, but rather on drugs. My brain was weird enough that I didn't know what might happen!
But no, I wasn't on drugs. I was on another world, ruled by talking, magic ponies an unknown distance from Earth. It could be in another universe for all I know. Which seems kind of lazy. What, our universe isn't big enough for a planet ruled by talking ponies? Who speak English? With similar stars to ours?
Hey, I'm just saying. It's somehow less depressing to think I'm just in a distant part of the universe than in some other universe entirely.
"Andrew? Andrew, can you hear me?"
"Mmmph?" I managed. I slowly opened my eyes. I saw the concerned faces of Applejack, Fluttershy, Twilight and Nurse Redheart. Judging from the smell and look of the room, I was in the hospital.
"Mmngle?" I tried, before realizing I couldn't move my jaw. My eyes widened. "Mmmph?!"
"Ah'm sorry, so sorry, sorry Andrew!" Applejack cried. "Ah didn't mean to break your jaw!"
"Mmph... Nngrgle...?" I managed.
"Don't worry, it won't be for long," Nurse Redheart said with a smile. "Miss Sparkle used magic to speed up the healing."
"Well uh... I was coming up to Sweet Apple Acres anyway," Twilight said modestly, rubbing her cheek with an embarrassed smile. She glanced at me and coughed. "Don't look at me like that! I wasn't trying to do anything!"
"What kind of-?" Redheart asked, but something fell over in the back.
"Oh my, something seems to have fallen," Twilight said. Redheart frowned, but she headed back to check on it as Twilight smiled nervously. I glared at her, as did Applejack.
"Um... So! I'm going to go do research to see if I can help you heal faster," Twilight said with a smile. "Don't you worry." She trotted out. Applejack sighed.
"Drop somethin' alien and strange in front of her and she goes nuts," the apple farmer said. "Really, ah'm sorry Andrew. Didn't mean to kick you."
I managed a nod to her, and a wave of my hand to try and let her know there were no hard feelings. Applejack sighed.
"Good. Don't worry, ya'll will have a nice big heapin' pile of Apple family cookin' waitin' for you when yer jaw's all better!" She smiled cheerfully and nodded, before heading out. Fluttershy smiled and nodded as well.
"I'm sorry but I have to go as well. I've got work to do with some nice, fluffy bunnies. Don't worry, you're covered for rent for the next month though!" She beamed. "Applejack paid me."
Well that was nice of her. I waved to her too, as she headed out of the hospital room, the door closing behind her. I sighed and leaned back, trying to relax.
After all, this wasn't too bad. I wouldn't be out long. My rent was paid up, I wasn't in the hooves of Twilight...
Still on an alien planet far from home and filled with confusing feelings with a broken jaw, but still... Could be worse. Much worse.
... Funny. Nothing was happening. Maybe fate had more self control than in my universe. World. Whatever.
I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath... I sat up and looked around suspiciously. No... Nothing. Just the opening and closing of the door as Nurse Redheart slipped out.
I sighed, and laid back, my head hitting the pillow.
"Hi!" Said a voice right next to me. I jumped, nearly toppling out of the bed if not for the guardrails. I looked over with horrified eyes at Pinkie Pie, who had been lying in bed next to me with a bright grin.
"Surprise!" She said, jumping out and throwing confetti in the air. "Don't you worry, I'm here to cheer you up!" She grinned and pulled a cake out from behind her back. "Starting with cake!"
I stared at her. She grinned back. I stared longer, and pointed to my jaw. Her mouth made an "o" of understanding, and sheepishly she put the cake behind her back.
"Oh! Sorry! Forgot! Hee! Hmmm..." She rubbed her chin. "What are some fun things we can do since you can't make any noise?"
My eyebrows rose as a little smile came over her face. I backed up to the end of the bed, my hands held up in front of me as she crawled onto the bed.
"Don't you worry about anything, Andrew! Nurse Pinkie Pie is gonna make everything better!" She grinned.
"Mmmph! Mmmngh! NNNGH!"
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Some time later, Nurse Redheart returned. She dropped her clipboard as she looked into the hospital room. Specifically at my bed.
"Ah... Miss Pie?"
"Heyah!" She cried, waving her hoof. She sighed happily and leaned back on my lap. "Just helping to lower his blood pressure, nurse!"
I grumbled as best I could with a broken jaw as I continued to rub her belly.
"Uh, Miss Pie, that's cats, not ponies," Nurse Redheart said.
"Oooh, why should they have all the fun?" She asked.
My free hand I used to cover my forehead, as a serious headache came on.
- - - - - -
So... A crazy pink pony insisting I rub her belly for all eternity. I've had fever dreams that weren't that weird.
"Ooh, so anyway Pound Cake did this really neat thing with his wings so he could have a couple of paper pegasi fly in formation with him, and then I realized Pumpkin Cake was actually flying them with him! So they've learned to work together to have fun, rather than be evil! So I was like 'wow, that's great!' Mr. Cake though wasn't looking too happy, he had a paper pegasus stuck in his hat..."
I'm in Hell, I thought flatly. I'm in Hell. I have to rub a girl's belly for eternity and I can't get sex out of it because she's not human.
Well I could always ask Twilight to fix that-NO! NO! NO! NO!
I looked at the window, and saw a blue pegasus with multicolored mane and tail flying nearby. My eyes widened.
"Mmngh! Mmph!" I waved frantically. "Mmmmngh!"
"What is it? Ooh! Rainbow Dash! HEY! RAINBOW DAAAASH!" Pinkie screamed. I covered my ears and groaned as the blue pegasus flew in through the window. She landed on the floor, her eyebrows raised.
"Uh, Pinkie-"
"Hey Rainbow Dash! I'm making Andrew feel better by having him rub my belly!"
"Oh. I think you might be trying a little too hard," Dash said. Pinkie laughed and waved her hoof.
"Oh come on, I'm not... Am I?" She looked up at me with big, teary eyes.
"Mmngh... Mmph..." I managed a nod. Pinkie sniffled, and held her hooves to her mouth.
"R... Really?" She sniffled. I groaned and looked up at the ceiling as best I could with the brace on my jaw. Dash laughed and patted Pinkie on the shoulder.
"It's all right Pinkie. I'm sure Andrew is just tired, right?"
I nodded, again, as best I could with the jaw brace. Pinkie wiped her tears and smiled.
"Well, that's all right! I'll see you later! Get well soon, so you can eat your cake! Byyye!" She waved and bounced out the door. I sighed in relief and looked over at Rainbow Dash, who was looking quite sympathetic.
"Sorry. She does that," she consoled. I waved my hands.
"I know, you don't hold it against her, but she can be... Sensitive," Dash said. I nodded.
"Now! Since I'm here," she said cheerfully, "I need your hands."
I stared at her. Dash shrugged.
"What? It's your jaw that's injured, not your hands." She held up a jar of pickles. "Can you get this open?"
I got on my knees, crawled over to the foot of the bed, and pulled up my chart. I flipped the pages, and showed it to her. I pointed to the line that stated "BEDREST" several times.
"Oh come on! It's just one little jar I'm asking you to open!" Dash complained. "Come on, please? Just one?"
I sighed again. I put the chart back, sat back in the bed, and held out my hands expectantly. Dash smiled and hoofed the jar to me.
"Thanks!" She said cheerfully. I tucked the jar into the crook of my arm, and gripped the lid tightly. I turned it hard.
"Nnngh...!" The lid popped. I held the jar to her. Dash scowled.
"You can't just remove the lid entirely?"
I scowled at her. Dash coughed and held her hooves up.
"Nevermind! I've got it." She took the pickle jar with a smile. "Thanks! So, can I get the mayonnaise jar open next?"
I glared.
"Kidding! Kidding!"
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Well, people still want to read this. So I’m still writing.