• Member Since 10th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Flint-Lock


The word that describes this profile is redacted. (Buy me a coffee, will 'ya? https://ko-fi.com/flint_lock)

Sequels1

T
Source

Daniel Habbuck, UN ambassador to Equestria, hates his job.

Sure it pays well, but it's hardly worth having to put up with flank-kissing politicians and the stomach twisting anxiety of knowing that he represents all of humanity.
One night, after a particularly tense meeting leaves him wound up, Daniel is desperate for somepony to talk to. With his friends either busy or too far away, he hires a batpony prostitute, just so he can have some company.

As he soon learns, there's much more to this streetwalker than meets the eye...

Rated T for sexual references, but no clop.


Special thanks to WingmanRed, Georg, and Kraken Hatchling for proofreading and editing

EDIT: Special, special thanks to Comrade Pony for the suggestions
EDIT: Deleted cover art.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 355 )

Oho~
I liked that one.
Also, you forgot a "more" somewhere.

Daniel started. In Thestral society, being expelled from your family was more than just a punishment. It was a denial of existence.

Very sweet, left me hungry for more. Good job.

Wow that was surprisingly deep.

6150451
Thanks, General Patton!

I would love to see this continued

Oh yah. More chapters needed, ASAP.

That was exceptional.

It also practically begs for a sequel, should you ever be so inclined.

6150845
I'll think about it.

Ooh, wow... Ok, screw it, this is going straight into my favorites. Very deep, very enjoyable all around, especially the skydancing scene. I love how you described all that. And that ending... jeez, people could learn from you, author. Thanks for a great story! :twilightsmile:

I smell the beginning of a new universe.

6150845

6150880

The number of times I have seen these two exact comments on one-shots...

cdn.meme.am/instances2/500x/518523.jpg
well, i like this story a lot
hope you decide to make a squeal to it

You magnificent bastard. I expect a sequel pronto!

All of my feels. Right there, on a plate. Consume them; they are yours.

Why is it that I keep finding really good one-shots that should be stories? WHY-:raritydespair:Y-:raritycry:Y-:fluttershbad:Y-:fluttercry:Y?

And the worst part is, Starlight referred to their next meeting as a 'date'. Hookers don't 'date their 'Johns'; they show them a good time, get paid, move on. 'Date' confers actual relationship status of, at least, 'friends with benefits', and the image of there probably being more 'dates'.

6150998

You magnificent bastard.

I read your book!

okay, this can't just be a one shot. i liked the thoughts and ideas that came up. the human wasn't annoying, the female role was normal and likable. my only damage with it is that starlight is basically a Mary sue just waiting to happen. lucky you didn't go in that direction

6151109

starlight is basically a Mary sue just waiting to happen.

How so?

6150436
if you wrote a sequel i would read it.

6151112
well, take out the husband that left and the father wanting to change her life and she has it made. shes nice and sweet, could be stable in her normal life, no longer needing money simple because she would now others would need it and she would get money from her dancing. now im not saying its a bad thing, if anything it could make for a cool idea, like a side story. i love just about any story if the characters are likable, its just something i do on a normal basis with picking at character traits and what not. i may have somethings not completely accurate so i do apologize if i was giving the wrong idea with my comment on the Mary sue thing.

You got into the Feature Box. You are now screwed, at least in regards to being pestered for a sequel. :trollestia:

Seriously though, it does work nicely as a one-shot. Squishy warm feelings all around with the alluded hope for the future. Hope you do take a stab at a sequel eventually, but only if you feel it's the right sequel. Either way, once again, I say you did an exceptional job with this. :twilightsmile:

This was a rather classy story and I thoroughly enjoyed it, keep up the good work! :moustache: Stay classy

Even better than I could have hoped for. You created a story that broke the mold and became fresh an new. Thank you.

Oh my god... More please?......:fluttershysad:

6151123

^ I'm with him. I'd instantly read a sequel if there ever was one.

Err, this should be rated teen, not mature.

This was a very interesting story, it's different than most and that makes it stick out in a good way. My only complaint is that the dialogue was a little stiff at times.

itch of frustration,and the cold

Space after comma.


“Ok,” Daniel took a deep breath, drumming his fingers against the varnished ebony conference table.Stay cool, stay calm. Stay cool, stay calm he told himself

Space after the period. Are you using quotation marks with inner monologue or not? You skipped out on the sentence there.


clomped in , carrying

Extra space right there.


Daniel tapped his foot..

Extra period right there.


influential--and overpaid-- men

If you want the em-dash, hold the Alt key on your keyboard and type '0151' on the numpad. Alt codes they are.


“George” and his shorter companion “Lenny”.

I UNDERSTAND THAT REFERENCE BUT IT'S HEARTBREAKING AT THE SAME TIME


“Danny boy, how ‘ya doin’”

Missing period.


“Great,” Kickback said in a voice slicker than grease. ”I just submitted my latest proposal

to the council subcommittee. Hooves crossed.” He chuckled “Hey, speaking of which,can I ask you something?”

I don't think that sentnce needs to be broken up into two like that haha.


One second, sir.”

Opening quotation marks.


childcare,all the benefits of

Space after comma.


real thing,like a chinese

Space


“Well.It would

Replace period with comma, space, then lower case 'i'.


So what is earth like?”

Capitalize 'Earth'.


Please, go on.”

Opening quotation marks.


“And you are saying that your ‘Japanese’ find this arousing?”

I just fucking died at that implication :rainbowlaugh:


“Yeah. “I remember one

Second set of quotation marks is not needed.


That's not all of the mistakes, but about 75% of them.

The story is good, but it doesn't look like it has been through any editors or pre-readers.

Still, you get my like and fav!

Picked up some grammar mistakes:

so-called nobiles

This might be intentional, but that spelling is pretty rare.

Please, go on.”

Missing a quote.

he’d take a stroll would take a stroll through the park

Damn, that was exceptional. I agree with the masses...... a sequel is needed.

if there is no clop it can get away with the teen tag

This feels good. This feels like friendship :twilightsmile:

I know I'm not the first asking but... will you make a sequel?

I really enjoyed that. It felt like a genuine relationship was going on there. These two are... friends. I can feel it. I even liked the suggestive world building going on. Canterlot is utterly entrenched in the Game of Houses, political tensions back home, etc. There's some really neat stuff going on.

This is an amazing story!
Absolutely beautiful, smooth writing, amazing character rendition. And... and... the WORLD BUILDING! Glorious.
Like, fav, follow.
Can I have some more...?

Good story, though I should warn that your cover image's source goes nowhere m8te

I don't normally read one-shots, but when I do, it's because they're damn good.

If you felt inclined to revisit these characters later, I would read it with great relish. But if you leave it as a one-shot, I'll be just as satisfied with it. That was one hell of a story with a fantastic ending. Well played, good sir, well played.

I think you nailed this one. The conversation seemed so natural and the descriptions of canterlot really set the scene well.

I haven't been on fimfiction in a couple of months and the first thing I read was this. I favorited this story and I'm now going to follow you too

I liked this story. Now, however, I feel I must criticize a few points because I liked it.

Overall, Mare of the Night needs a leedle editing, and almost seems to be missing parts in some areas... Where Starlight hugs him and thanks Daniel for treating her like a mare comes to mind, as he doesn't actually say anything prior to that; he just gives her an ear scratch? That part was jarring.

Quite a few grammar and punctuation errors still, too, but nothing ironing out can't fix.

As for the story and dialogue itself. Early on it's strong, but once Starlight shows up it felt weaker, more mechanical (At least for Dan. Actually, just Dan. Starlight stole the darn show). One example, when she first gets into the carriage, she does so without him even saying anything. A "Miss, would you care to join me this evening?" as if asking her what she wants, rather than just telling her what he wants, to put her off her guard, would have been great right there. Instead she speaks mechanically to him and just hops in. I mean, not very gentlemanly there, fella! D:

Later, in the park, Daniel never much seems to talk about himself, and things mostly shift to focus on Starlight. That's fine, but it wasn't followed up. She takes up so much of things that it felt mostly as if she was trying to con him, to me, though I don't think that was the angle you were going for. As for Daniel, it felt like you forgot he was there, since he says and does so little.

I enjoy the story concept, but a couple more passes of the ol' eye of scrutiny coulda bumped it up a few notches I think.

One other thing, the part where he monologues to himself No! I didn't hire her for that! was giggle worthy. That part came off as if it would have been morally wrong to him or something, when earlier it's pointed out prostitution is legal there. It was odd, and I would have expected the thought to include something more akin to Ah geez, this girl's actually pouring her heart out to me and suddenly all I can think about is how nice her butt looks in the moonli- dangit, there I go again.

Anyway, I'm biased towards Thestral and batpony stories, but not so much I can ignore a few shortcomings. I like this one and would like to see it continue, but I can see room for improvement in what's here now. My biggest gripe, is to me it didn't feel at all like Daniel earned the reactions that Starlight was giving him. His dialogue and character need spicing up. He was well painted early on with his monologuing, but he didn't follow through with real behavior when faced with another character to interact with.

(Also, I wouldn't rate this story mature. Pg-13 movies mention and include far worse. If you plan to switch that 'Complete' tag off and add more, then that's a different story.)

What this delightful fellow said:
6150963
We need more of this.

a sequel is required, i demand a sequel!

Well @Flint-Lock... the people have spoken, you may not know it yet, but you will write the squeal, the people demand it, OR ELSE :pinkiecrazy:

I like this. Have a follow and a fav. Sequel imminent.

Bravo.

I don't think a sequel is necessary. Enough words have been said.

6151555

I agree -- this could be teen/sex as opposed to mature/sex. There was nothing in there that crossed the line. Mature completely stops a lot of people and is a minus to many.

I especially liked the following two lines:

Canterlotian architecture could best be described as “Arabian Nights” meets Baroque Roccoco as imagined by Dr. Seuss.

“It’s like...it’s like being part of a play. Everypony involved has a role: the Cheater plays the part of a moral crusader. The Backstabber plays the part of a friend. And the Coward plays the role of a hero.”

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!