Ah, the sweet sound of wedding bells…
To some, they mean the happiest day of their lives. To others, they signify the end of freedom and the beginning of some strange misery. All can agree, though, that wedding bells signal the end of an era in one’s life.
To you, those wedding bells signalled the beginning of a very strange and unwanted compromise.
“You may kiss the brides!” Cadance happily intoned, using magic to snap her book of love closed.
Celestia, the love of your life and now gleefully married bride, took the initiative and kissed you deeply, stealing your breath away. She was happy that your affair was no longer hidden, and you knew she was going to take full advantage of it. When she finally let you go, you had to take a small moment to catch your breath.
Luna, the sister of the love of your life and now not-so-gleefully married bride, waited for you to place the unwanted kiss on her lips. Neither of you were overly happy about the state of things, so you let the kiss go on just long enough to seem serious to all those watching.
Of course, ‘all those watching’ encompassed pretty much everyone that’s anyone. The Elements of Harmony, the king of the griffins, Chrysalis in disguise, the spokesman of the minotaur clans, Cadance and her boytoy, a metric fuckton of reporters, an imperial fuckton of guards, and all the nobles and dignitaries that could fit in the few leftover spaces of the massive chamber. It’s not every day that the two seemingly immortal demi-goddesses get married, after all.
Now if only it was just one of them getting married.
When your kiss on Luna was finished, the wedding was officially over. Tradition demanded a reception, and, much to your chagrin, Celestia was all about tradition. That is, unfortunately, why you found yourself married to both royal sisters instead of just the one you loved.
Because Celestia’s the one in charge and it was mostly her special day (given that she was the only one of the three of you completely happy with the state of affairs), she preemptively declared the day a holiday for all of Canterlot so the reception could freely roll into the streets. So it was that you found yourself lost in the crowd mere minutes after the taste of your love on your lips faded away.
It’s hard, dodging reporters when you’re as large as you are. Doing so ended up with you pretty far away from where you last saw your brides.
But being lost anywhere in Ponyland was just asking to be found, as you knew from many experiences. In this specific case, it was a certain ‘friend’ of yours. The first hint you had was the faint scent of bubblegum, followed by a glomp from the side. “Nonny, you got married!” Pinkie happily yelled, holding onto you for all she was worth.
“I sure did,” you replied, hugging her back. You kinda didn’t want to, but you knew she wouldn’t let go until you did.
“But… you don’t sound too happy,” she said when she let you go and fell back to the ground. “And you’re all alone. Are you avoiding your wives?”
“I’m perfectly happy, Pinkie.” Her smile dipped slightly. “And I just got separated. Everyone was all over them, congratulating them.” And probably asking why they married a weird shaved ape, of all things.
“You aren’t smiling.”
“...It’s still kicking in. Celestia and I… and Luna… have been dating for a while now in secret. Being public about it is… different. Not something any of us are used to. It’ll take a while for all of us to adjust.”
“But you love them both?”
“Of course. With all my heart.”
“...Promise?”
You sighed. “Pinkie, if you didn’t believe me the first time, are you going to believe me if I ‘promise’? I asked them to marry me for a reason. Do you think I’d do that lightly?”
It was kinda obvious she didn’t fully buy it, but you didn’t really care. You married Luna to keep Celestia happy. Celestia’s happy. Her subjects could wonder about the truth all they wanted. “If you say so…”
“I do. Now if you’ll excuse me, I should probably find my wife...s. Wives.” You didn’t wait for her to comment and did your best to melt into the crowd. That wasn’t really possible given your unique appearance, but she at least didn’t try to stop you.
The next person to find you was Princess Lovebutt, who was all smiles as soon as she saw you. “Anonymous, I’m so happy for you!” she said, followed by a merciless hug. Her husband stared at you with the hatred of a thousand emo preteens, so you quickly hugged her back and pushed her away.
“And I’m happy you agreed to officiate the wedding for us. Celestia usually does that kinda stuff, but it woulda been a little awkward.”
“Love is just what I do, Anon,” she gaily replied. Her voice dipped into dark and quiet tones for the next sentence. “Which is why I want to know why you agreed to marry Luna.”
“...You picked up on that, huh?”
“Love is what I do, Anon,” she said. “It’s who I am. I feel it in the air. I feel it between ponies, or its lack thereof. I felt the emptiness between you and Luna. You barely even know her, let alone love her. Why did you marry her?”
“It’s what Celestia wanted. She proposed the idea to us both. After much cajoling and talking and some begging, Luna and I both agreed. We’re going to do our best to keep up appearances in public, but in private, it’ll be completely hands off. Celestia is mare enough for me.”
“...Well, as long as you’re not taking advantage of the situation, and as long as Luna is free to pursue her own interests, I don’t disapprove too heartily. I just wish I had been made aware of the situation before the marriage.”
“We were hoping almost no one would find out at all.”
“It’s hard to hide anything from the princess of love!” Her smile finally came back, with a sly edge. “So have you thought about how you’re going to spend the wedding night? It’ll be your first time with Celestia, so you should make it special…”
“First time? Are there still people that fall for that trap?” She blinked in surprise. “To humans, part of falling in love is compatibility in as many things as possible, including in the bedroom. If you and your partner don’t like the same things or can’t be made to like the same things, your love life is going to suffer. Celestia and I already came (and came) to that common ground a while ago.”
“Well—”
“She loves anal,” you quickly said with a smirk, making her blush bright red.
She got over it pretty quickly, though. “So do I.” Your eyebrows lifted in surprise. “But we should let you find your wives. Come on, Shiny dearest. Let’s go back to the palace. Seeing couples in love puts me in a certain kind of mood…”
Shining Armor seemed to blanch slightly and gulped. “Yes, dear,” he replied, turning to obediently follow her. When he did, his tail swished slightly and you saw something under it that made you realize what she meant by liking anal. And given how funny he was walking, she liked it a lot.
Of course, that was none of your business.
This time, you got the drop on a pony. You sidled up next to Twilight Sparkle and used a fake voice to say, “Fine day for a wedding, ma’am.”
She didn’t look at you, so she had no idea who said that. “I guess so, but I’d prefer…” She finally turned to look and realized it was just you. “Oh. Hello, Anon.”
“Howdy. You find anything yet?”
“No. The law is solid, as far as I can tell. If one sister is married but not the other, she’ll become queen. It doesn’t matter if one sister becomes the only one married through divorce or just because the other didn’t get married. So if Princess Celestia truly wants to share power equally with Luna, both of them need to be married.”
You sighed once again. “You ever consider, I don’t know, lying to Celestia? If you hadn’t told her about that stupid law in the first place—”
“I did my duty, Anon. I know you don’t like it and it doesn’t look like Luna does either, but it is the way it is. The law is the law. You should be happy I found it at all, in fact. If I hadn’t and Celestia became queen, the two of you would never have any time to spend together.”
“Her word would be law. She could just reinstate Luna as her full co-ruler and go back to the status quo.”
She shook her head. “We both know that wouldn’t work, Anon. This law was written by the council, before it was disbanded. It can’t be changed and it can’t be circumvented, aside from this one loophole we found. I’m afraid you’ll have to learn to live with it. Count your blessings, Anon. You’re married to the mare you love. It came at a price, but it’s a price that won’t be so hard to live with.”
“If you’re so happy about it, you’re free to marry Luna yourself. Then I wouldn’t have to.”
She immediately blushed. “She is a… beautiful mare, but… I’m not like that, Anon. And I… I certainly don’t love her…”
“Yeah, well, neither do I. The lack of feeling is mutual, too.”
“Then I suggest pretending very well, because she’s headed this way.” She nodded to your side. When you turned, Luna was, in fact, headed your way. “I’ll talk to you later, Anon. I’d offer to keep searching, but I’ve already been through every law book there is. It was a beautiful wedding and it was nice seeing you again.” She left before Luna got in the forced polite conversation range, leaving you to face her alone.
“Hello, Anonymous,” Luna neutrally said when she was close enough.
“Princess Luna. Enjoying the reception?” There weren’t too many reporters around, so you could afford to be formal.
“In some ways. It would be wise for us to dance.”
“...Yeah, it would. Want to find a dance floor, then?”
“No. Let us start looking.” She began walking down the road. You followed at her side, since there wasn’t much else you could do. Happy ponies all around you cheered when they saw the two of you together, even though neither of you were smiling or talking.
After a few minutes of silence, you decided to break it. “So have you seen Celestia since we got separated?”
“We were together for a time. There were many reporters that sought a small interview of sorts with her. I assisted, as I am also your… wife.” Jeez, no need to sound so strangled about it. “We eventually decided it would be wise to find you.”
“Well, you got to me first. Did you plan to meet with her anywhere?”
“She’ll find us when we’re in the most awkwardly pseudo-romantic moment possible and use that to say we’re perfect together, which is why I suggested we dance. From there, I can give you to her and wait on the sidelines for the party to be over.”
“Ah.” We went in silence for a few seconds before you decided you had to know. “How are you sure—”
“Don’t ask.”
“...Alright.” After a few more steps in somewhat awkward silence, you decided to put your hand on her back. There were a lot of cameras around, after all, and being seen at least touching would be wise.
She flinched slightly and passed a sidelong glance your way. “If you start petting me, I will have many words for you in private.”
“I learned my lesson the first time, thank you.” Your shin was bruised for weeks. Celestia always liked it, so you assumed Luna wouldn’t mind that much. She minded just a little bit more than you were comfortable with.
Luckily for the both of you, the road ended abruptly in a large plaza that had been cordoned off for dancers. At the moment, the musicians were playing a lively jig, something you didn’t see Luna knowing any dances for. Sure enough, when you tried pulling her onto the floor, she stood her ground.
“Give it a moment,” she said. “My sister will be watching. We’ll have to spend less time dancing if we wait for a slow one.”
“If you’re really in a hurry to get rid of me, we could just make a request. I mean, we are the newly married couple.”
“Do you know how to dance well with a pony?”
“I’ve done it with Celestia a few times, but never in a public setting.”
“Hm. They would not know any songs I would request. Ask for one that you did with Celestia. Lead well. I will be displeased if you allow me to make a fool of myself.”
“What kind of husband would I be if I went around embarrassing my loving wife?”
“I am not above kicking you while we dance. I know full well how to make it look like an accident.”
“...I’ll go make the request.” She didn’t reply as you left to talk to the musicians. The crowd along the edges of the dance floor let you through with ease. Your height mixed with being the recipient of the reception made them all too willing to accommodate you. When you got to the musicians, they were just finishing up with that neat song, and were quite happy to accede to the groom’s request to dance with his beautiful wife.
Unfortunately, Celestia wasn’t there, so you had to dance with her second-rate sister instead.
Luna met you while you were walking back to her, since the song was starting. When the couples already present noticed that the two of you were there, they made plenty of room so you two could have the spotlight. Both of you noticed immediately and one of her eyes started twitching slightly, but you just led her onto the floor anyway.
The song was one you knew well. It had been playing the first time you met Celestia, at one of the galas. It was also the first time you danced with her, at her request. It wasn’t too often that she found a stallion—or anyone at all, really—that was tall enough to properly lead her.
You were doing the same for her sister now. If you had to guess, it was probably the first dance she had in at least a thousand years. Her hooves stumbled slightly on every step and she only haltingly followed your motions. To be fair, dancing with a biped is very different for them, and that song probably didn’t even exist the last time she had anyone wanting to dance with her.
But stumbly or not, she slowly started picking it up as the song progressed. Right as the song hit its final crest, she was easily matching you step for step, and a smile started peeking its way onto her face. You weren’t sure if she enjoyed dancing or was just happy that she figured it out, but the princess of the night was definitely happy about something.
When you saw that, you let one sneak onto your own face. You barely even knew her and you definitely didn’t love her, but you were happy that she was happy. Like it or not, you were married to her, and you were pretty sure that she knew as well as you did that you were stuck with it. You were just hoping she was as willing as you were to try to learn more about each other and find some manner of common ground.
After all, if you’re forced to be stuck with someone, you might as well be stuck with them happily instead of miserably.
Finally, the song wound down and the two of you were left standing in the middle of the floor, still entwined with one another. You felt like you should say something, but before you could, she leaned in and kissed you. That caught you by surprise, but not as much as the flash did a moment later. As soon as the camera took its photo, Luna released you from both the kiss and her grasp, right in time for Celestia to land next to the two of you with a great big smile on her face.
“I see the two of you are having fun,” she happily said.
“I was warming him up for you, sister,” Luna neutrally replied. “I believe this next dance should be yours. It’s only fair, after all.”
“I’m quite happy watching the two of you,” Celestia shot back.
Time for you to step in. “I think it’s fair for the husband to choose. Celestia, would you care to join me for the next one?”
“I’d be delighted,” she said with a small bend of her knees. “Dearest sister, would you like to stick around? I believe we can trade our new husband for a few dances.”
“I’m afraid I must decline. I have been awake for quite a bit longer than you, and I have much longer left to go. As much as I would… love to dance with our new husband, I fear conserving energy for the night to come would be wise.”
“Oh, if you must be a buzzkill,” Celestia sighed, shaking her head. Then she went right back to being all kinds of smiley. “That just means we can get back to our rooms sooner for the best part of the wedding night…”
“...Of course,” Luna said, trying and failing to hide her distaste. “The next song is starting. I will wait on the sidelines.”
Celestia nodded and took you in hoof, getting you ready for the coming song. “So how are you liking it, my lovely little human?” she quietly asked when the song kicked in and the dance began.
“I’d like it a lot more if there was one fewer partner in this marriage.”
She chuckled. “There are many stallions that dream of Luna and I getting married and having… all manner of relations. She told me that herself. I didn’t take you for one of them…”
“If she could see into my dreams and not go insane, she’d find that I wasn’t.” She tried once. Keyword: once. “I don’t dislike her, but I love you, Celestia. Not her.”
“Oh, I know. But you’ll learn to love her, too. I want both of you to be happy as well, you know. And I believe this will make everypony involved happy.”
“I don’t want to learn to love her. You’re my mare, Celestia. I don’t know how many times I’ve told you this. I don’t want to love anyone else. I want to give all my love to you, like you deserve.”
“And I don’t know how many times I’ve told you that I only live a half-life. You are the love of my life, but I have a kingdom to run. And so does Luna. She will be around when I cannot. I will be around when she cannot. If you learn to care for her as you care for me, you will have a full, loving relationship that will make you happy.”
“I’d rather spend half my life loving you fully than all my life loving half of you.”
“Give it time, Anon. That’s all I can ask.”
“All the time in the world won’t give me more love to share.”
“But it will give you the experience to know where and how to share it,” she replied. You almost shot back a response, but she kissed you to steal your breath away. “You’ve told me before that patience is a virtue.”
“...I can be as patient as the planet itself, as long as you keep kissing me. But that doesn’t mean Luna will be.”
“She is as patient as the moon that spins around the planet. She learned that lesson the last time she decided haste was better than calm words.” The song ended then, and her kissing you cut off any response you could have made.
But it didn’t stop your mind. Luna may be as patient as the moon, but the moon changes its face and position every night. You couldn’t help but wonder what kind of ride you’re in for.
The three of you didn’t remain at the reception much longer, though you had a feeling the party would be going on well into the night. Ponies take any chance they could get to party, and to them, that was one hell of a chance.
Meanwhile, the three of you did what any newlywed couple… or herd, in your case… would do: Retire to the bedroom.
Luna practically collapsed onto Celestia’s bed. “By the night, but I despise reporters. And if you had made me spend that entire time in some wedding gown, I might have decided living life as a pauper was worth it.”
“It wasn’t all bad,” Celestia said as she nuzzled you. “We’re all married, after all.”
“The two of you are married,” Luna corrected. “I just happened to share an unwanted vow.”
“But a vow you did share, which makes you married to our lovely Anonymous as well. And I believe it’s time for us to perform our duties as wives…”
“Then it is time for me to depart,” Luna wearily said, hobbling back to her hooves.
“Oh come now, sister!” Celestia said, wrapping a wing around Luna. “This is the perfect chance for you to let off some steam! Relieve some stress! I promise that Anon will be gentle.”
“I’m right here,” you interjected. “Goodnight, Luna.”
“And a good night to the two of you,” she said with a nod. “Though I hardly doubt you need my blessing for that. I will see the two of you come the morning.” Before Celestia could try convincing her to stay, Luna’s horn lit up and she teleported away.
“We’ll get her yet, Anon,” Celestia said with a smile.
“I didn’t know you were in that much of a hurry to sleep with your sister.”
“We lost most sense of decency between each other around the early two thousands. I think we started experimenting in the mid three thousands. But she never got me to scream the way I have with you, which makes me curious about what you’ll do to her.”
“Alright, that’s creepy. I could have gone to my grave without hearing it, in fact.”
“Probably. But it’s not going to stop you from ravishing me anyway.”
“No it will not.” Her horn lit up and the light clicked off, officially signalling the end of a weird day and the start of a wonderful night.