Hands
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
How do you describe being transformed into magic flames and then reconstituted as a solid being again? I could try, but it would just not do it any justice. Let’s see... I felt stretched, as though across the entirety of the universe. I saw everything, and nothing at all. I could hear nothing, and everything. I felt everything and nothing and... Well I could just go on like that. It was as though every moment was as long as the age of the universe, but as short as the blink of an eye at the same time. I can’t really get it across any better.
But what came after? Oh yeah. I can recount that stuff easily.
I was suddenly aware of myself, like my mind had been wandering and now I was snapped into sharp focus by the smell of brimstone and burning animal fur, the sound of numerous ponies gasping, and the image of said ponies all staring at me.
In particular, the image of a certain bug queen disguised as an equally certain princess of love.
“Andrew Shepherd?!” Gasped Princess Celestia. “What are you-?!”
The Manticore roared, and fell down onto all fours. Which, unfortunately, sent me tumbling off his shoulders onto the hard stone floor below.
“ARGH!” I landed on my hands and knees, and scrambled up as ponies began to panic left and right. Chrysalis was staring in shock and amazement. I will admit, I had the thought to let loose a witty one liner.
But common sense prevailed, and rather than do something stupid I instead raised my rifle, took careful aim and fired my gun at an alien demigoddess disguised as the bride at a wedding filled with beings on the level of gods.
… Okay maybe common sense didn’t prevail, as the bullet bounced off a pink magical shield. I was then tackled by several royal guards, who slammed me back down onto the hard stone floor.
“URK!” I cried, struggling as my Winchester was sent skittering into a veritable forest of panicking pony limbs. “No! Wait! Wait, let me explain!”
“Mad human! He’s gone mad!” Shouted Cadence’s voice over the roar of the manticore and the screaming ponies. I gritted my teeth and tried to force the pegasi guards off me but they were far too heavy.
“WAIT! THAT’S NOT CADENCE!” I shouted. “SHE’S AN IMPOSTER!”
“What on Equestria are you talking about?” Cried Rarity, who was trying to get through the frantic crowd to me. Applejack was having a bit more success, but Galland the royal guard barred her way.
“SHE’S NOT THE REAL CADENCE!” I shouted. “PRINCESS CELESTIA, LISTEN TO ME!”
“Andrew, what are you talking about?! Why are you doing this?!” Fluttershy cried, floating above the chaos.
“Don’t listen to him! He’s obviously crazy!” Cadence shrieked. “HE’S GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING!”
“Just stay still sir!” One of the guards holding me down said.
“Don’t struggle!” The other said.
“SHE’S NOT THE REAL CADENCE!” I shouted again as I was dragged out of the doors. I could see my manticore snarling and struggling as unicorns and guards kept him contained. Fluttershy and my other friends tried to get through the screaming crowd, but there was nothing for it. Across the chapel I could see Cadence looking at me, a flash of green appearing in her eyes as she flashed me a smirk.
I gritted my teeth and kicked out my feet. “LET ME GO! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
And the guards’ eyes went wide as they were seized in purple magical energy. They were yanked up off their hooves and thrown aside. I looked up in shock.
Wait... Is that...?
It was! I grinned as I saw Twilight galloping up alongside an extremely dirty looking Princess Cadence. I got up and pulled out my spare shotgun as the wedding party all gasped in shock and horror for the second time in as many minutes. The imposter Chrysalis gasped... And then grinned darkly as she was consumed in green flames. It was no self-immolation though-She was just unveiling her true form.
“I thought you were dead!” Twilight gasped.
“Glad to disappoint,” I said with a nod. “Princess Cadence, I presume?”
“You may,” Cadence said kindly. “Now, I believe we need to deal with this fake!”
“Oh ho ho,” Chrysalis cackled. “You think it would be that easy, do you?”
Many of the ponies stopped panicking, and began to laugh. And as each one did, they shifted into forms similar to that of the Queen Changeling. They hissed and laughed, and our friends found themselves surrounded. Even Princess Celestia looked aghast.
“You...” The Sun Princess’s eyes narrowed and we felt the heat rise. “You will not win!” She flew above Chrysalis and her horn charged with magical power. She unleashed it in a beam of energy at Chrysalis which surely would have vaporized the alien queen... If the queen had not returned fire with her own beam from her own twisted horn. My eyes widened as Chrysalis’s beam pushed against Celestia’s, and to the horror of everyone around (save for Chrysalis’s offspring) the beam of the alien queen overpowered Celestia’s and sent the white alicorn flying through the nearby wall with a crash.
“PRINCESS!” We all screamed. I turned and looked at Chrysalis, grinning horribly as Shining Armor stood at her side. I gulped as hundreds of green eyes looked towards us with horrible leering smiles.
“Well... Shit,” I muttered.
“I agree,” Cadence said, “and I don’t even know what that means.”
“You can figure it out from the context quite easily,” Twilight muttered.
- - - - - - -
It seemed like everywhere we went, dozens of Changelings were pouring in on us. Chewie's loud roaring was a constant reminder that my big predator buddy was still alive and kicking, but seeing hundreds of flying insectoid-like alien monsters flying inside and outside of a gigantic pink magic energy field is not exactly comforting.
"Wow! A real live alien invasion!" Pinkie cried. "I knew I'd gotten a doozey but I didn't know it'd be like this!"
"Great! Your useless flank psychic powers strike again!" Rainbow Dash shouted back, kicking a Changeling in the face and sending him flying. Above us, Royal Guards and pegasi dueled with the flying Changelings while on the ground armored Earth and Unicorn ponies fought the invaders as best they could while civilians galloped every which way. The girls and I formed a small wedge, trying to punch our way through any resistance.
"Give her a break, Dash! She did help us get out of the chapel!" I shouted, emptying my revolver into the face of a charging Changeling. Rarity helpfully reloaded my gun, before she viciously stabbed long knitting needles into the bottom of a shrieking alien.
"Get lost!" Rarity snarled, and the Changeling fled while weeping.
"Takin' this kinda personal, ah noticed," Applejack noted, swinging around to buck a few Changelings up over and through a window. Rarity sniffed.
"All that work on those wedding dresses and its all for nothing thanks to these-these-Ooooh!" Her eyes darkened. "I'm imagining each and every single one as Blueblood!"
I winced, as did everypony else. Frankly that seemed a bit extreme to me, but then I'd never met this Blueblood guy. Based on Rarity's rants though, I should probably consider him lucky for not being here.
"Come on! We're almost to the palace!" Twilight called, sending several blasts of magic at Changelings. When they were hit, they began to float above the ground. They struggled furiously against their bonds but were unable to break free-At least, not until Twilight used them as cannonballs, but they weren't in much of a state to cause harm after that.
"Oh dear, oh my, I hope the Manticore is all right," Fluttershy said as my ally's roar sounded again a block or two away. She looked at me with an inquisitive glance. "How did you get him to accompany you?"
"Er... We bonded," I said, before firing several shots to bring down a few Changelings trying to dive bomb us. They flew past, screeching in pain before slamming into trashcans behind us. Fluttershy smiled.
"Oh I'm so glad to hear that-Meep!" She jumped over a changeling that tried to seize her from the sewer, and I repaid the bastard with a kick to the face with my steel toed boot. He let her go, yelping as he slid back down into the depths. Fluttershy panted, and hugged me tightly.
"Oh thank you thank you thank you-"
"DIE HUMAN!" Shrieked another Changeling, which grabbed my ankles from below. I yelped as I fell, hitting the ground hard.
"OOF!" I looked back as the Changeling dragged me towards the stormdrain and I tried to free my feet. "Let go! LET GO!"
"You will not slaughter us as you did before, monster!" Hissed the Changeling. I growled and dug my fingers into the pavement.
"Like you tried to do to my people?! LITTLE HELP PLEASE!" I shouted.
"Andrew!" Twilight cried, slashing through a Changeling's wings with an energy blade from her horn.
"Andrew!" Applejack shouted, smacking two Changelings' heads together.
"Andrew!" Dash yelled, doing a spinning kick to send a pack of Changelings flying in all directions.
"Darling!" Rarity called, using scissors like swords to cut many a Changeling and send them running in a panic.
"OATMEAL!" Pinkie shouted, slapping a pie into the face of another Changeling.
The Changeling assaulting me growled.
"You deserved it! You ruined everything and-!"
A butter yellow hoof smacked into the face of the Changeling and sent his head slamming into the pavement. I gaped in some astonishment as my quiet, shy marefriend just began to wail on him, pounding his face into the pavement repeatedly like Samuel L. Jackson might do to someone who owed him money.
"HOW DARE YOU TRY TO HURT MY COLTFRIEND!" She shrieked. "TAKE THAT! AND THAT! YOU BIG MEANIE!"
Holy shit. I looked over at the others, and they seemed to share my amazed expression. Aside from Twilight but uh, she apparently has seen some of what Fluttershy can do when she's really passionate.
The Changeling managed to escape and fled, wailing loudly. The rest of our party spared a moment to watch him go, as did the Changelings surrounding us. He wailed all the way up to the waiting hooves of Queen Chrysalis herself.
"M-My Queen! MY QUEEN! The human influence is-is spreading! He is corrupting that pegasus!" He sobbed. Chrysalis looked up at us with an amused smirk as several Changelings hovered around us.
"I believe he already has," Chryalis observed wryly. Twilight broke the sudden silence.
"Was... Was that an innuendo?" She asked. Chrysalis snorted.
"So what if it is? You are surrounded!" She called. "Surrender, and I will spare your lives!"
I looked over at Twilight. My wonderful purple unicorn marefriend glanced at the nearby wall of the palace, and down at my satchel. I blinked back, and her horn began to glow. I heard a hissing, and some smoke came out of the bag. I reached down and my eyes widened. I saw that the dynamite in the satchel had ignited.
... All of it.
"HIT THE DIRT!" I shouted, grabbing the satchel and throwing it as hard as I could right at the wall. I turned and sprinted, the rest of our party following suit. Dash frowned as she got ahead of me and looked over her shoulder.
"What?! What was in that-?"
"TWILIGHT! SHIELD! NOW!" Pinkie shrieked. I could hear Chrysalis yelling something similar as I threw myself behind the nearest stone wall, ponies piling on top of me as Twilight raised a shield around us-
And the world seemed to just erupt into thunder and fire.
- - - - - -
As soon as the wrath of Alfred Nobel had ended, I peeked out from behind the wall of our shelter. Dust and smoke filled the air, and not a single Changeling could be seen. I blinked a few times, and then looked over at Twilight.
“You lit all of them?!” I shouted in disbelief. “Seriously?!”
“Well it cleared the area, didn’t it?” Twilight asked. Applejack grumbled as she checked to make sure her hat was still on her head.
“Yeah, and mah sinuses... And mah bow-”
“WOO!” Pinkie said happily, bouncing up and down on her back hooves like a satyr. “Again! Again! Again!”
“I have to agree!” Dash said happily. “That was so cool!”
Fluttershy was still trembling with her wings over her eyes. It was adorable, though admittedly not very helpful.
“Cool?!” Rarity growled, glaring at Twilight and myself. “You blew up the lovely equipment satchel I made for Andrew!”
“Look on the bright side, Rarity!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Now your work has been spread all over Canterlot!”
“In pieces,” Rarity moaned. Pinkie blinked.
“... Yes?”
I rubbed my forehead. “Let’s just get to the Elements so we can Deus Ex Machina our way out of this mess, and call it a day shall we?”
“Works for me!” Twilight declared. “Come on!”
- - - - - -
Which brings us back to when you guys came in. Running through the palace of Canterlot as dozens of Changelings were trying to kill us.
“Shit shit shit!” I shouted, firing my revolver at several such monsters. They screeched at us loudly, and one hacked and coughed as though trying to dislodge a furball. I didn’t want to know what it was producing, so I fired again. But the little creature dodged and spat something green at me.
“Aw crap!” I cried, pulling my cloak up as a shield. The projectile hit, and I felt a burning sensation on my arm. I yelped and dropped the cloak, before tugging it off and throwing it in the face of the charging Changeling.
“KREE!” It screeched as I threw myself to the side. I pulled out my staff, and fired it off to slam the creature into the nearest wall. I panted heavily as I got back up onto my feet.
“Toro, motherfucker!” I snarled.
“Uh, Andrew?”
I turned my head at Twilight’s voice. The rest of the mares were galloping down the hallway ahead of me. “Are you done yet?”
“He still has to give his witty one liner!” Pinkie cried.
“I already did that!” I shouted back. Pinkie nodded.
“Oh! Okay! COME ON THEN!” She shouted.
I sighed and ran after my friends. We had a world to save, after all.
A few levels, twists and turns later, I noticed something strange.
“Anyone else notice that we seem to be progressing unmolested?” Rarity asked.
I nodded to Rarity. “Gotta say, I appreciate that but it does seem suspicious...”
“This just lets us get to the Elements faster,” Twilight panted.
Applejack paused by a window and looked out across the city. She squinted. “Well, the battle’s still ragin’!” Applejack supplied. “Maybe Princess Luna managed t’ get through the shield?”
“We can only hope!” Twilight cried. “But it’s all for nothing if we can’t get to the Elements so hurry!”
“How much force is coming with Princess Luna anyway?” Applejack asked. I smiled at her as she caught up to us. It wasn’t exactly difficult, especially with me-There was a reason humans rode horses and not the other way around back home.
“Well, I did ask Spike to spread the word and call out the militia,” I explained. Rarity frowned.
“The Ponyville Militia? That’s little more than a herd of townsponies with frying pans, mops and maybe a few firecrackers!” Rarity commented. I shrugged.
“Well, that’s about the basic definition of a militia...”
“And Granny can swing that fryin’ pan mighty hard,” Applejack commented.
"That must have been why my nose was twitchy while my tail was itchy!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “I also got a few twitchy twitches that are unusual. The last time I got those were when the...” Her jaw dropped in disbelief as she powerslid around a corner. Unfortunately I was not able to copy the move so I just ran as usual. “No! You didn’t!”
“Did what?” Asked Rainbow Dash, flying above us and looking more and more impatient. Then again she almost always did.
“Gave the Cutie Mark Crusaders firearms!” Pinkie accused me. That got a look from everypony, so it was fortunate we were running down a straight hallway at the time.
“WHAT?!” Applejack and Rarity both cried. I winced at their angry and incredulous glares.
"Heh... I might... Just perhaps... Have suggested... Unleashing the crusaders to Mayor Mane. " I grin sickly trying to defend myself. "It was an emergency! I thought why not use our most powerful stuff? And Smokestack did finish that order of mortars recently so-"
Sadly my justification did not seem to be convincing the two, who glared at me with murder in their eyes. But before they could, my favorite unicorn came to my rescue.
"Girls! We don't have time for that... You can kill him AFTER we defeat the changelings!"
Or delayed my execution. I suppose that’s love for you. Oh right, Twilight was still speaking.
"Anyways I think we just have one more turn and we're at the vault!” And we made that turn as Twilight continued speaking breathlessly.
“We're almost... There?"
As we turned the corner, I suddenly recalled a glaring strategic flaw in our plans. While our route may have been randomly unexpected, our destination was very obviously set in stone. As became apparent by the large number of changelings surrounding a smirking Chrysalis that came into view as we skidded to a halt in the center of the room. Before we could hightail it out of there, more Changelings dropped down behind us. We were surrounded.
"Was this trip really necessary? Did you truly believe I wouldn't be prepared to guard this as well?" Chrysalis sniffed haughtily, as buzzing sounds began to emit from the other entrances to the room which signalled the approach of more changelings.
Swell.
“Knew it was too easy,” Applejack muttered.
“Well, I suppose you are smarter than you look. Though you’d almost have to be,” Rarity sniffed haughtily. Chrysalis growled.
“You are swiftly wearing on my nerves,” she stated.
“You’re doing the whole villain monologue thing again, you know,” I said, stepping in front of Twilight. I frowned deeply, while trying not to think about the fact this might very well be our last stand.
Many people fantasize about dying in some glorious, heroic way. And I have to admit, I’d fantasized the same. But being in situations where I might have to go that far... Well I wasn’t feeling particularly noble or courageous.
But hell, if this was to be our last stand, I was going to give it my all. Blame the acting classes I took.
“Threatening us, gloating at us, why all the theatrics? Why not simply kill us? What is your angle, Chrysalis?”
I was hoping to buy a bit more time... And of course, hope I provided enough of a distraction for my beautiful marefriend to come up with a brilliant plan. Hey, guile was my thing, thinking things through was hers.
Chrysalis snorted. “I should think that would be obvious by now.”
“You-You’re very bad at your job?” Fluttershy suggested, cringing back at Chrysalis’s glare. “N-No! I’m sure you’re a very competent invader of innocent worlds! R-Really!”
“No!” Chrysalis declared. “But if you really must know, the truth is that I-”
"HAH! RAINBOW STRIKE!"
I groaned at Rainbow’s declaration as she angled for a steep dive at Chrysalis. I really do need to impress upon her the meaning of 'surprise attack' and how that runs counter to announcing your move.
A point possibly made to her anyway as the changeling queen merely gestured with her head and a nearby drone made a hacking sound. It then spat something at Rainbow.
"RAINBOW DASH!" The girls cried out as the projectile hit sending her spiraling to the ground... only caught at the last minute by a burst of Twilight's magic, as Fluttershy and myself rushed over to her. Rainbow's head was thrashing around in panic.
"My wing! I can't move my wing! What did they do! What's wrong with it!" She cried. "Ew ew ew ew!"
"Relax Rainbow," I consoled, "it's just one of those changeling snot gluing it to your side... hold still while so we can get it off before it hardens..." I said as I tried to pull the sticky gunk off her flank.
"Its not SNOT!” Chrysalis barked. “Why do you humans keep calling it that... its a self hardening stasis mucus membrane of complex design far beyond your understanding!"
"Right.. changeling snot!" I snarked back as we were crowded more into the center of the great chamber. Chrysalis looked vaguely annoyed before shaking her head.
"Enough of this! Give up now! Surrender and I shall spare your lives, like I've been trying to from the start!" She shook her head, eyes wide. “Must you resist? Must you throw your lives away so uselessly?!”
There was a note of pain in the voice of the Changeling queen. I had to admit, it stopped me for a moment. She was staring squarely at me as she pleaded.
If I had had the time, I would have reflected on this expression of emotion, this vulnerability in the alien monster. But at the moment, I didn’t really have the luxury.
Twilight trotted to my side, her face defiant. “If Andrew’s people wouldn’t surrender, then neither will we!” She declared.
“That’s right!” Dash declared.
“We won’t let you take over our world!” Fluttershy said, glaring angrily. “You-You big meanie!”
“Certainly not!” Rarity huffed. “We’ve taken down chaos gods and mad lunar dieties-You are strictly small change!”
“I’m gonna party all over your flank!” Pinkie growled.
Applejack merely pushed her hat down further and glared, resembling Clint Eastwood. If Clint Eastwood was a hot orange anthropomorphic mare.
… Shut up.
Chrysalis sighed and shook her head. “Take them!” She ordered her minions. Twilight smirked, and her horn lit up with magic. It glowed brightly and the Changelings hesitated, remembering her power.
“I don’t think so, Chrysalis!” She said. “You might have us surrounded, but if there’s one thing friendship has taught me...” And here she trotted backwards, until she was just above the center of the large carving on the floor. She turned and caught Rarity's eye. "There is always the Diamond Dog option!"
“I don’t remember that being a friendship lesson!” Pinkie interjected.
"Diamond Dog wha-?" I barely had time to puzzle out before Twilight suddenly slammed her head downwards, releasing her bolt of magic into the floor. Then there was nothing but explosions, rubble, and a light blue sheen surrounding us all as we were suddenly falling... and the ceiling above seemed to be joining us.
Did I say last stand? I apparently meant 'kill us all and deprive the changelings of the pleasure!'
Then there was nothing but darkness and the sound of falling rubble...
This was starting to turn into a very unhealthy habit.
- - - - - -
Omake:
"One more thing before you return to the others, Andrew?" Luna asked as we headed out of the hidden archives. I had composed myself finally from seeing all the human artifacts that the ponies had collected.
"Of course, Princess. Anything." I said without thinking. Luna's horn glowed briefly and I went from standing in the open foyer, to seated on one of the couches that sat against the side wall. Before I could react, Princess Luna was laying on her back over my lap looking up at me with the biggest puppy dog eyes that would put even Sweetie Belle to shame.
I sighed and rubbed her belly while the Princess of the Night made happy pony noises and cutely kicked one of her hind legs.
The things I do...