Balanced Dawn an 'average' colt from Sires Hollow, one that wasn’t ever supposed to exist. At least according to his new memories.
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Damn that girl has issues, so desperate to keep her friends she traps them into a relationship....
Makes sense when I think about her reaction to the initial rejection, she wasn't mad about the romantic rejection she was mad she "lost a friend" sheeesh
Well, that's not the best day for any of them. I really like how you have the character dynamics developing, let's see how far this all ends up from Cannon.
Explosions in T-minus...
11842020
Well she did basically make a communist town just because she lost Sunburst in cannon.
Hoo, boy. Teen duh-ramah!
Feel bad for Twilight. Hot day when everyone was grumpy about the heat and made a case for her and Dawn but forgot about the other two fillies in the group. Puzzle pieces have to all fit together in that situation. I trust Dawn will figure something out, though.
Hooray for Trixie!!
And Sunburst. My guy… what’s up? You’re a healthy colt. Aren’t you?
How? It's magic not a toaster, how can it not be working right? Either you learned how to cast it properly or you didn't.
This is fishy but broken.
1. It should not be able to fail in this way.
2. They should notice something is wrong because it shouldn't be able to fail this way.
This is like a paperweight breaking by suddenly becoming lighter than air and floating away.
It just can't happen.
Now the crystals themselves failing? Sure but those are based on some stored effect so it's easily explainable that they break down occasionally.
Oh the drama!!
Again Dawn being treated like a spare.
Soo... good news for Herd Ponyville
Thanks for the new chapter
Well this is going to collapse. I forsee Starlight moving on from her panic rebound and eventually working things out with Sunburst, which is probably the best result.
Twilight is going on and on like...
That last bit with Starlight and Sunburst. Ooof. I wonder how that will go. You can't just leave that be. That's a conversation that has to happen.
Nice
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Lyra just didn’t cast it properly. it wasn’t pulling enough heat away from her body so was under powered… like an AC unit without enough refrigerant that half works and uses more electricity.
Heat/ cooling spells are easy to get wrong since if you pull away to much heat you could freeze yourself and to little won’t help on super hot days.
I liked this chapter, like many others, always have that touch that makes them interesting, even with how bad it was for Twilight shows that the characters have character and personality
I hope to see more of Dawn because this is one of the few stories that have an interesting background and problems that make things interesting, in addition to that actions have consequences, it is a little sad that there are not so many stories so currently
PS: I would like to publish a story, but I can’t even if I wanted to since I don’t speak English and I use translators to read and comment
Twilight to prove I'm worth it. The funnest thing she said so far in the story.
A very good chapter, and on a side note this story has made it on to the "I'm craving more of that" list
Spicy
11842033
She wasn't trying to be rude She just not good with people and dawn is her only outside the family friend and starlight better cool it with the possessive behavior or she will lose him. Dawn doesn't like her being mean to twilight when twilight is not trying to anything bad. It's not her fault that nature has its rules or that she is Dawn friend
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*Certifies you as 'Nice'.*
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I'm always nice
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If you want to post a story but don't know the language then I suggest getting a proofreader.
But if you ant to you can always just post it an correct any mistakes at a later date.
How Dawn will approach this? If he goes with the mature approach like in previous occasions he'll calming go a talk to Starlight and say something like "hey I talked to Sunburst. He told me you ask him out first. Honestly I feel like the second best choice... And is not pretty how I feel about that right now. He says he doesn't want to herd right now and lied to you about not liking fillies. So go talk to him a be friends again. If he is the one you wanted to herd them leave ours and wait for him. It doesn't mean we'll stop being friends" sounds nice right? Wrong, because of two things:
1 The heat... that makes you cranky as F.
2 Being a Plan B is BAD. I mean the first time was fine because he was saving Starlight from being friendless for years and going deep into a very dark path. But now being a spare choice in a ROMANTIC scenario? ouch... I mean (in my humble anonymous opinion) a dude would probably be fine. But there stallions are girls... Now picture a narrative when a girl is a Plan B... Not pretty isn't it...
There's also the fact that Dawn started the relationship because he trusted in ponies not pulling things like this...
11843045
Yeah it’s not exactly going to be pretty.
(Putting this here first to say I'm liking the story so please don't take what I'm saying as criticism of the story it's self or your writing, both are great, this is more a opinion of a characters personality as I would see them if I lived in that world. So yeah, not criticism or asking you to change them at all, more like an impassioned rant lol.
Not going to lie, I really don't like Starlight, I get she's supposed to be a teenager but she is the worst kind of teenager. I can't imagine Dawn putting up with her much longer, especially if he is actually just her plan B, that is so insulting that I would struggle to be friends with someone after that.
I can see how she could go evil in this timeline really easily and end up actually being even more petty than she was in canon.
Like she loses Sunburst because he wants to focus on his studying when he's in his teens and she can't accept no for an answer so she gets angry and stops talking to him but also blames him for it.
Then she basically plays with the emotions of her only other male friend because "well if I can't have who I really want he will do." (even if she does like him at some level it seems more possessive than romantic)
Then when Dawn figures it out and is reasonably unhappy about it and confronts her in a reasonable manner (don't think it's in his personality to blow up about it) she will blame him for "rejecting her in favor of Twilight who has obviously poisoned him against her" (because she's jealous of her position as Tia's student) and then she runs away, grows into an adult that is fouled by ideas of petty revenge against the person who "took everything from her" (Twilight because somehow it must be her fault!) and so she does something like she does in canon.
"Deep breath" ok impassioned rant over lol, once again, if the author reads this it's not meant as criticism of the story in any way, the fact that Starlight can make me mad (I know, getting mad at horse words, big autism behavior lol) by her in world personality rather than any kind of story telling mistake actually shows the writing is pretty damn good.
Anyway, looking forward to seeing more, keep up the good work!
11843142
Thanks for the rant, that’s what I was going for since Starlights personality took hold when Sunburst got his mark and she has unresolved issues.
Oh no
Sunburst*
11843149
No problem lol, always happy to give a good rant when I get really into a story.
Yeah, Starlight has issues for sure, I'm interested to see where you take how it's resolved
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*Your given a badge to show your 'Nice'.*
Enjoy!
Ah, teenagers.
Sorry for the accidental publication. Wasn’t quite ready.
Unforgivable
11843767
It’s up proper now.
Twilight: achievement unlocked: please wear your dunce cap for the week!
Twilight is so autistic coded sometimes, I love it so much
I'll just act how everyone else does and it'll be fine! *Acts how others do, but in the wrong situation, and gets a bad raction.* What... but... Whatever, diving into my special interest will help!