• Member Since 27th Jun, 2012
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I write pony words. Millions of them. Some people actually think they might be worth reading. I am very thankful for that. Also, I have a Patreon now?



IRS Scammers. We all hate them, and in Equestria, it's no different. Once technology advanced to the point of phones and computers, scamming came with it.

Unfortunately, not everypony is as gullible as some other nasty people would like.

Find this story and more in a print copy! Just click these words here!

Featured on EQD 11/26/18!

Chapters (29)
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Comments ( 963 )

Dude, you just made my day!

Have a Pinkie Pie!:pinkiehappy::pinkiesmile:

Or two.

Nice. Very rarely do I see a decent story go up with all its chapters complete. I'll read the rest later.

I told a political surveyor I didn't believe in personal opinions once. Reading this reminded me of that, and it's just funny, and now my day feels a whole lot less stressful.

Thank you.

Oh, you know I really thought Discord was going to get involved. Angel is probably worse.

Press C to cupcake Scammer. :pinkiecrazy:

Rainbow Dash has the right idea.... I have contemplated hitting on these people. Or being really really stupid. Like asking a whole bunch of questions, or just being weird. Then my self esteem acts up and I mostly ignore the number I don't recognize.. but you have NO idea how strong the temptation to flirt with these people and see what happens!

Well, now I want to see what Hannibal Lecter would say to a scammer.

Does that make me a bad person?

A while back, I got one of these claiming to be affiliated with the local police. Even though I'm barely 15 minutes away from Saint Paul, my state Capitol, my town doesn't actually have one. We instead have the county sherriff.

So, I called the non emergency line. The dispatcher initially thought I was kidding. A deputy called me about 10 minutes after I cut the line with Dispatch. He patiently explained it was a scam and all the rest, as one might expect him to do for a 90-something year old who doesn't understand computers.

"Oh no, it's cool officer. I understand. I knew that already. I'm calling because I have them recorded, their number traced, and a rough idea of where they are. I'm calling because I'd like to send them a message on behalf of all the folks like me who keep our parents and grandparents from falling for that crap. 'We've all had enough.'"

"How did you get that information?"

"I'm VERY good with computers. Also, they didn't even try to block their number from caller ID. So Google did most of the work. So, what do you day deputy? Care to send them a message for me with the might of your department behind it? It IS a very serious crime impersonating an officer and all..."

I swear to god... The deputy actually cackled with glee.

"Well, as an officer of the law, I'd hardly be doing my job if I didn't do my utmost to protect our elderly and otherwise incapable citizens. I'll absolutely do what I can for you sir."

I love messing with these people, so now I'm on their blacklist.
Being insane on command is fun.

I've actually used the fake being murdered on a scammer with hilarious results.

"You look tired, Rarity. Would you like me to make some coffee?"

"NO!!" Rarity stopped just a hair's distance away from grabbing her sister by the throat. "I mean... no, thank you, Sweetie. I'm quite awake now."

I wanna know what happened when he inevitably received that cupcake.

Is there more to this story? Because I REALLY wanna know what happened afterwards.

Yeah, you can't just leave it there... what happened? This is arguably better than the story itself! :rainbowlaugh:



Superlatively done, that pony!

(Especially as I have a 92-year old grandmother to do computer stuff for. Mind you, she's still sharp and isn't prone to fall for this crap, but the point remains...)

James Veitch is also a really good person to watch if you love someone smartly dealing with these people. Someone on this site somewhere posted a video with him, and whoever did that, thank you as I now love this guy. I don't know which comment it was, for what story, but you whoever you were, are amazing!

Oh I love his stuff. The toaster one is amazing.

I love that one too. The way he annoyed the scammer enough to rage quit. He wins the internet award for that. I also like the Gold One too... AKA the gummy bear code words :rainbowlaugh:

First off. That's not relevant at all, and I wasn't even asking you. Not to mention the very thought of that "story" has made me sick since the day I read it 2 years ago. So if you would delete the link, that'd be great.

Could you do a chapter for Cadence and Luna?

Now is the the time to be afraid, mister scammer!

hell yes love this twilight

I just love the Twilight and Celestia ones. I'm a programmer myself, so Twilight's answer makes perfect sense to me- especially if she's had time to prepare. As for Celestia's... That was perfect.

... nevermind that a serial number isn't normally enough to connect to a computer- no, you need an IP address... and to be on the same network. Either that or the IP of the network as well. But Equestrian computers might be different from human computers, so that serial number might actually be enough!

Man, I wish I thought of that when I got called by a particularly annoying and persistent scam caller.

Ended up nearly grabbing my entire home phone and just smashing it to pieces before they finally quit after the 6th call.

Casual Hacker Twilight is Best Twilight

Actually, yes. I am. Not even gonna deny it.


Chainsaw would have been more appropriate.

Dude. Chill. That story was written as a joke. The author was making fun of all the people who write grimdark fics. Unfortunately, the satire went over the heads of those authors and they took it at face value.

No. I will not chill. I actually, seriously start feeling ill when I think about that story. That is how squeamish I am. Honestly, that story should never have been written in the first place.

:rainbowlaugh: Okay that was really funny! I love when shit like this happens. I wish I had the creativity involved to be a smartass like this!

im not here to start a fight, im here to eat popcorn

"This is not legal, Miss Sparkle! This is my personal property that you are deleting!"

Karma's a bitch ain't it? Also, the irony is lost on you I see!

My favorite way to screw with a telemarketer: "Joe's morgue; you stab 'em, we slab 'em"

My version is, "City Morgue, you chill'em we grill em!"

My dad sometimes says that and I have a sneaking suspicion it is from a movie I haven't seen! Or I said it wrong...

It was only a matter of time before a fic like this was made.

We don’t have those where I live in Africa, we have enough trouble with government officials asking for bribes as it is. We do have people claiming they’ve accidentally transferred 5000 Kenyan shillings to my M-Pesa account (A money transfer system widely used in east Africa), and could I transfer it back please. I get such a kick telling them I don’t have an M-Pesa account, and that they’re a lying cheating b****r. Then I call the number at random times, up to and including 3am, for the next 4 or 5 days from landline phones in various bars, cafes, and restaurants, and telling them they’re a lying cheating b****r before they can hang up.

This was awesome! Rainbow Dash’s is probably my favorite here. And Celestia is majestic as buck with her response.

But what about the others like Spike, Starlight Glimmer, the CMCs, Cadance, Luna, or Sunset Shimmer? How would they handle scammers like Legit Collector?

Funny, satisfying, very in-character, and also an impressive way to approach the same situation from seven different ways :pinkiehappy:

Indeed, Discord would only prank him. This hellspawn, though...


Normally, I'd question the existence of stuff like computers in Equestria and why Twilight kept calling the scammer "dude," but this is just too funny for me to nitpick. Thoroughly enjoyed from beginning to end. :rainbowlaugh:

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