Princess Celestia
It started when the phone rang.
Princess Celestia looked up from her paperwork and set her quill down with a quiet sigh. Ever since getting the infernal thing installed, somepony called her about something at least thirty times a day. She briefly considered ignoring it, but with her luck it would actually be something important. She shook her head and put the headset on.
"Hello?"
Yes, hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Services. I am calling to inform you that you are under investigation for tax evasion."
"I see."
"Yes. Before we begin, may I have your name, please?"
"I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, Leader of the Three Tribes, Slayer of Goldclaw the Dragon Lord, Warden of the Sun, Liberator of Manehattan, Sacker of Griffinstone, Liberator of Slaves, Destroyer of Armies, Defeater of Nightmare Moon, the Maiden of Dawn, Slayer of Scammers, and, at the moment, I'm a rather impatient pony."
"..."
*Click*
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Dude, you just made my day!
Have a Pinkie Pie!
Or two.
Funny stuff!
Beautiful...
Press C to cupcake Scammer.
Well, now I want to see what Hannibal Lecter would say to a scammer.
Does that make me a bad person?
A while back, I got one of these claiming to be affiliated with the local police. Even though I'm barely 15 minutes away from Saint Paul, my state Capitol, my town doesn't actually have one. We instead have the county sherriff.
So, I called the non emergency line. The dispatcher initially thought I was kidding. A deputy called me about 10 minutes after I cut the line with Dispatch. He patiently explained it was a scam and all the rest, as one might expect him to do for a 90-something year old who doesn't understand computers.
"Oh no, it's cool officer. I understand. I knew that already. I'm calling because I have them recorded, their number traced, and a rough idea of where they are. I'm calling because I'd like to send them a message on behalf of all the folks like me who keep our parents and grandparents from falling for that crap. 'We've all had enough.'"
"How did you get that information?"
"I'm VERY good with computers. Also, they didn't even try to block their number from caller ID. So Google did most of the work. So, what do you day deputy? Care to send them a message for me with the might of your department behind it? It IS a very serious crime impersonating an officer and all..."
I swear to god... The deputy actually cackled with glee.
"Well, as an officer of the law, I'd hardly be doing my job if I didn't do my utmost to protect our elderly and otherwise incapable citizens. I'll absolutely do what I can for you sir."
I've actually used the fake being murdered on a scammer with hilarious results.
9199227
Is there more to this story? Because I REALLY wanna know what happened afterwards.
9199227
Yeah, you can't just leave it there... what happened? This is arguably better than the story itself!
9199227
Awesometm
9199227
Bahahahahahahahaha!
Superlatively done, that pony!
(Especially as I have a 92-year old grandmother to do computer stuff for. Mind you, she's still sharp and isn't prone to fall for this crap, but the point remains...)
James Veitch is also a really good person to watch if you love someone smartly dealing with these people. Someone on this site somewhere posted a video with him, and whoever did that, thank you as I now love this guy. I don't know which comment it was, for what story, but you whoever you were, are amazing!
9199286
Oh I love his stuff. The toaster one is amazing.
9199297
I love that one too. The way he annoyed the scammer enough to rage quit. He wins the internet award for that. I also like the Gold One too... AKA the gummy bear code words
9199263
First off. That's not relevant at all, and I wasn't even asking you. Not to mention the very thought of that "story" has made me sick since the day I read it 2 years ago. So if you would delete the link, that'd be great.
Could you do a chapter for Cadence and Luna?
9199322
triggered
I just love the Twilight and Celestia ones. I'm a programmer myself, so Twilight's answer makes perfect sense to me- especially if she's had time to prepare. As for Celestia's... That was perfect.
... nevermind that a serial number isn't normally enough to connect to a computer- no, you need an IP address... and to be on the same network. Either that or the IP of the network as well. But Equestrian computers might be different from human computers, so that serial number might actually be enough!
9199381
Actually, yes. I am. Not even gonna deny it.
9199322
Dude. Chill. That story was written as a joke. The author was making fun of all the people who write grimdark fics. Unfortunately, the satire went over the heads of those authors and they took it at face value.
9199409
No. I will not chill. I actually, seriously start feeling ill when I think about that story. That is how squeamish I am. Honestly, that story should never have been written in the first place.
9199263
9199381
9199409
Not here, please.
9199394
Okay that was really funny! I love when shit like this happens. I wish I had the creativity involved to be a smartass like this!
9199415
im not here to start a fight, im here to eat popcorn
My favorite way to screw with a telemarketer: "Joe's morgue; you stab 'em, we slab 'em"
9199470
My version is, "City Morgue, you chill'em we grill em!"
My dad sometimes says that and I have a sneaking suspicion it is from a movie I haven't seen! Or I said it wrong...
It was only a matter of time before a fic like this was made.
We don’t have those where I live in Africa, we have enough trouble with government officials asking for bribes as it is. We do have people claiming they’ve accidentally transferred 5000 Kenyan shillings to my M-Pesa account (A money transfer system widely used in east Africa), and could I transfer it back please. I get such a kick telling them I don’t have an M-Pesa account, and that they’re a lying cheating b****r. Then I call the number at random times, up to and including 3am, for the next 4 or 5 days from landline phones in various bars, cafes, and restaurants, and telling them they’re a lying cheating b****r before they can hang up.
This was awesome! Rainbow Dash’s is probably my favorite here. And Celestia is majestic as buck with her response.
But what about the others like Spike, Starlight Glimmer, the CMCs, Cadance, Luna, or Sunset Shimmer? How would they handle scammers like Legit Collector?
Funny, satisfying, very in-character, and also an impressive way to approach the same situation from seven different ways
...
Normally, I'd question the existence of stuff like computers in Equestria and why Twilight kept calling the scammer "dude," but this is just too funny for me to nitpick. Thoroughly enjoyed from beginning to end.
Oh Celly, you just missed such an opportunity!
Now go bring your SMILE upon him.
Fun fact, there was a proposal to outlaw robocalls entirely except for opt-ins, but people in congress refused, since it would infringe on their political rights to make unsolicited campaign messages.
Of course, phone spoofing tools are so common that banning them would be impossible anyway. All we can do is request being added to the FTC do not call list and fill out the complaint form when it's violated.
https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/media/video-0028-what-do-if-you-get-robocall
https://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/2018/09/robocaller-spoofed-real-numbers-to-avoid-angry-call-backs-to-his-own-phone/
Short and sweet.
I read that as goldfish.
Also, that’s a really long list of titles. Makes sense, she’s had 1000+ years to accumulate them.
9199474
Texas Creamatorium, You kill’em we grill’em!
That’s from one of Bart’s prank calls on The Simpsons.
9199673
imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1337_part_2.png
https://derpibooru.org/search?q=richard+stallman
9199543
WHY. CAN'T. I. FAVE. COMMENTS?!
Heh. But you left out Discord.
"Well, I'm terribly sorry! Must have slipped my mind - memory's a bit chaotic, don't you know! I'll send my payment immediately!"
"AAAAAAH!!"
"Don't have any cash on claw right now, so I hope you don't mind if I pay you in giant Maregascan spitting flying roaches."
"AAAAAAAH!!!"
"At twelve bits a piece at the pet store, you should have...120,000 bits worth? Now, that can't be right."
"AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"
"Let's see: divide by zero, carry the two, multiply by carrot - well! I seem to have overpaid you! Don't worry about it, though - keep the change."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA..."
"Sacker of Griffenstone"
...
Celestia you have some explaining to do
9199921
..uh....ok, that's...Wow. That's actually the story that drove me to ask. That's a little crazy. Sorry, that just kinda blew my mind.
The only way Celestia's could have been better was if she just went on listing titles until the scammer gave up.
I fully expected something like "Owner of the ERS" in there.
They're lucky Celestia doesn't unleash Dotted Line and the Equestrian Civil Service on his butt.
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/TheEquestrianCivilServiceSeries
Meanwhile 1000s of miles away, the poor scammer is launched into space by lunas voice...or his head explodes like a rope melon
I wish I still got in-person calls instead of the recorded message telemarketing calls. Messing with the people is always such fun.
My favorite time was when I made my voice sound old for a 'computer service' call. I instantly agreed with them that my computer was in danger because those 'evil Russian commies' were after all good Americans like myself. So I spent the next five minutes alternating between ranting about commies and 'following' their instructions, until finally I shouted 'They've got in! My whole screen turned red and there's a big, flashing commie skull in the middle of it!' I don't know if this person was just desperate to get someone or I had somehow managed to sell that line, because they didn't hang up.
She told me 'We can fix that just hit the Esc key'.
"Where's that?"
"At the top right of your keyboard."
"It's not there."
"What's there, then?" she said, starting to sound suspicious.
"It's another skull!" I yelled as dramatically as possible.
*Click*
Magnificent, each and everyone. Thank you for them.
9200102
Dotty being able to focus all his frustration on a scammer... Yea hope Legit Collector likes the dungeons.
me? I would just play the theme from the shining with axe murder sounds in the background