• Published 28th Sep 2018
  • 9,123 Views, 974 Comments

Hello, This is Not a Scammer, I Promise - BronyWriter



IRS scammers go after the Mane Six

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Pinkie Pie

It started when the phone rang.

Pinkie Pie poked her head into her room and bounced along to her ringtone for a few seconds before proinking over to her nightstand and flipping the headset onto her head.

"Hello, this is Pinkie Pie!"

"Hello, Miss Pie, this is Legit Collector from the E--"

"Ooh, a new pony! How are you doing today, Legit?"

"Erm... yes, I am fine, thank you. Now, I am calling to--"

"Are you having a fine day, or a really super, amazing, awesome day?"

"I... look, my day isn't important. What is--"

Pinkie gasped. "But your day is important! Who wants to have a bad day? Nopony, that's who!"

"Miss Pie, I need you to listen to me carefully! I am calling to say that you are under investigation from the Equestrian Revenue Services for tax evasion!"

Pinkie frowned and tilted her head. "Really? Huh, that's super weird. I always file my taxes on the first day of the second month!" Pinkie hopped over to the button for her party planning cave, pressed it, and slid down the slide with a 'wheee.' When she reached the bottom, she went over to a gray filing cabinet at the back. She pulled open the bottom drawer and sat down. "When did I miss something?"

"Our records indicate that you misfiled between the years two thousand and fifteen and two thousand and eighteen."

"Hmm..." Pinkie flipped through a few of the folders before finding the ones she was after. "Let's see. Two thousand fifteen... two thousand sixteen... two thousand seventeen... aaaaand two thousand eighteen. Okie dokie. Let's take a look." She placed the folders on the ground around her and opened them up. "So what's the matter? Everything looks okay."

"Miss Pie, it is likely that there was simply some accounting error. On our end it shows that you owe the Equestrian government two thousand, nine hundred and thirty bits and four cents."

Pinkie frowned and tilted her head. "Huh. That's not what my files say. Maybe I added something wrong."

"That is likely, Miss Pie. Now, would you like to fight this matter in court, or would you like to settle it now?"

"Well, I guess I can settle it now," Pinkie said, scooping up her files and placing them back in the filing cabinet. "What do you want me to do?"

"Firstly, do you have a local store around? A Barnyard Bargains, maybe?"

"Oh yeah, for sure!" Pinkie said, bouncing back up the slide before closing the door to her cave behind her. "I go there all the time for party planning stuff!"

"Very good. If you could go there, I will give you further instructions."

"Alrighty. It'll take me a few minutes, though. Should I call you back?"

"No, if you want I can stay on the line and give you instructions."

Pinkie shrugged as she proinked out of Sugarcube Corner. "Yeah, sure. I'm headed there now. In the meantime, we were talking about what kind of day you were having! You never said if it was just fine or super awesome!"

"It's... I don't know. Super awesome."

"Yay!" Pinkie said a little too loudly. "What is making your day super awesome? Did you have a friend come over or a party or your breakfast was super yummy or--"

"Um... my breakfast was very good."

"That's so awesome!" Pinkie said. She could see Barnyard Bargains just down the street now. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. What didja have?"

"Pancakes."

"Oh I love pancakes! Did they have chocolate chips and whipped cream and strawberries? Those are my favorite!"

"Yes, yes, they were great, now have you reached Barnyard Bargains yet?"

"Sure have. I just walked in the door."

"Very good. I need you to now go to the card section."

"Okay." Pinkie snorted and shook her head. "A little weird, but you're the ERS pony, not me!"

"Just let me know when you have reached the cards!"

"Okay, jeez, calm down, I'm here." Pinkie frowned. "Are you having a bad day already?"

"No, no, but it is good that you are at the cards. Now, what do you see?"

Pinkie shrugged and turned her attention to the cards. "Well, I see normal cards, Uno, Hungry Hungry Hippos the Card Game, a few expansion decks for the German Nightmare Game, Cards Against Eques--"

"No, no, not those cards! The other ones!"

"Oh." PInkie snorted and walked down the aisle. "Well you should have said so, silly. Okay, now I see 'happy birthday', 'happy anniversary', with anniversary misspelled, 'happy anniversary' with happy misspelled, 'happy anniversary' spelled right..."

"No no no! Not those cards either! Payment cards!"

"Oooohhhhhh." Pinkie giggled. "I see now. I'm gonna have to ask where those are, since I don't know."

"Are you bullshitting me?"

Pinkie stopped in her tracks and frowned. "Me? Do that to a scammer?" She let out a fake gasp. "I would never!"

"You're bullshitting me. Fuck you," he growled.

"Hey, that's not very nice!" Pinkie said. "But I guess it was a little rude of me to lead you on like that. Do you want me to send you an 'I'm sorry' cupcake?"

"You don't know where I am," he retorted.

Pinkie giggled and waved her hoof. "Of course I do, silly. I know everypony, and I mean everypony in Ponyville, so if you live here, I know just where to send the cupcake!"

"I... I don't live in Ponyville. Send the cupcake... uh... send it to your mother's dick!"

"Nope, I'm going to send it to you. Don't worry, though, it's gonna be really good!"

"I don't..."

"Well, I have some parties to plan, and my lunch break is almost over. I'll send you the cupcake when I'm off for the night. Talk to you later!"