• Member Since 27th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

BronyWriter


I write pony words. Millions of them. Some people actually think they might be worth reading. I am very thankful for that. Also, I have a Patreon now?

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When the mane six go to see a Wonderbolt's show in Canterlot, Fluttershy decides to not go as crowds of that size make her too nervous. So, Princess Celestia decides to spend the day with her instead while her friends are away. The two decide to play a few simple games of chess to pass the time...

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 116 )

How am i first, quite entertaining by the way

I don't know... I'm just not feeling the pony. Maybe it's just me, but it just doesn't feel right. :applejackunsure:

1219770 How so? (I am always looking to improve)

I can see this happening in the show. :yay:

Ok, that was a good concept. Also first.

1219807 Maybe not on the scale of this story, but Fluttershy being good at chess is something worth imagining.:yay:

1219804 After reading it again, I disagree with my prior assessment - definitely feeling the pony awesomeness.

Constructive criticism:
There are occasional grammar errors (no big ones though), and the very beginning could use a little work with characterization. "I don't want to go and that's final!" just doesn't sound like something Fluttershy would say, at least in my mind. She's standing up for herself too much.

Very nice.

Interesting, using a quote from Monty Python's The Holy Grail.
Nice idea as well, having a causal discussion during a chess match, however, the moves that are given to keep things moving, barely give any indication of what's happening in the actual chess game. Which means the checkmates come seemingly out of nowhere.

1220036 yeah, and I did want to be better than that and I still might do it, but that would be extremely complicated. However, I still could go back and give it a shot.

1220069
If you do good luck. It's an nice piece.

"Oh, hey Luna," said Celestia casually. "What are you reading?"

"And Then There Were None," said Luna.

"Ah yes, one of my favorites," said Celestia fondly.

Well... at least theirs isn't a first edition. That would be a particularly unfortunate deconstruction of Equestrian culture. :facehoof:

Heheh, most amusing. :rainbowlaugh:

PPS

The chess parts felt too unrealistic to me. I'm awful at chess, but even I know that king and 3 queens vs. lone king is a won game. Even king and rook vs. king would be considered elementary. If you want Celestia to rack her brains over a lost endgame, it'd be more plausible to use a more complex position, with more material for Celestia to work with.

1220581 Well, I was going for the idea that she was in total denial at having lost like that. She knew it was a lost cause too (as evidenced when Fluttershy checkmated her the next move) but she didn't want to admit that.

PPS

1220595
It's not just that. A 3 queen advantage is so overwhelming that it implies Fluttershy is taking her time with the endgame, performing unnecessary captures and promotions instead of going for the mate. It seems too much like gloating or rubbing it in to fit with Fluttershy's character.

1220703 I guess you're right...I dunno, maybe it just goes back to the idea that you pour a little of yourself into your writing and that is certainly something I would do. I have to think about that...

some of the mannerisms are off a bit (meaning a bit out of character), but otherwise very well written.


...great. now i want to play chess.

1220794

celestia saying "lets hang out" and upright telling them to not grovel rather than politely asking them or saying "there is no need for that."
celestia (even though she is supposed to be off duty in this) is typically a little more formal.
fluttershy being almost completely upfront when asking the princess a question such as why they aren't famous.


stuff like that.
But this is all my opinion. its mainly with celestia's character, but not much else. it got better as the fic went on.

1220854 Well the 'don't grovel' thing was kinda my excuse to put in a Monty Python quote but I get your point.

Luna got...
Well, that was anticlimactic. :rainbowlaugh:

Monty Python ref plus chess plus Fluttershy...
Yes, this story is win.
Celestia nearly losing her composure was a nice added touch.

Wasn't expecting much out of this story, but was very pleasantly surprised. Very funny and well written, while still remaining believable for the characters. You, sir, have earned a like, a favorite, and 5 flutteryays: :yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:

1219862 In response to that I direct your attention to episode 21 season 2 Dragon quest, opening scene. She's standing up for herself pretty well in that.:flutterrage:

1233864 Hmm. It seems Fluttershy has some character growth going on that I didn't notice. In Dragonshy, she doesn't stand up for herself at all.

1234028 Well she also learns about that in the Iron Will episode too.

I think we need a fic about the blind chicken and Celestia playing checkers.

While the overall concept and story-line is excellent, I believe that most of the dialogue does not comply with Fluttershy's mannerisms in the show.

Here is an example: " I mean, not that I'm a glory hound or anything..."
The phrase "glory hound" is very odd, in that very few animals besides ponies are mentioned in the show, and I don't recall any of these other creatures being used as an idiom. This puts some strain on the assumption that this Fluttershy is the same one from the show.

Another example : "Well, yeah."
Fluttershy consistently says "yes" inside the show, and never the word, "yeah". This simple wording was what made me cotton on to the fact that the dialogue wasn't the same as in the show.

Now, obviously, you aren't a writer from the show. (Unless you are, and you're simply hiding the fact...:pinkiecrazy:) Due to this, there is a bit of leeway for you to move around in, also called creative license. While this is generally a good thing for O.C.'s or background ponies, it can make it hard for fanfic writers to keep the characters believable. This definitely applied in this story, where I found it nearly impossible to read the dialogue in the respective character's voices.

I know I went a little Twilight there, :twilightsheepish: so here's the positive bit: You wrote an interesting story, and you earned a few moustaches and yays. That's pretty much all that matters, no matter what my slight ranting/teaching might say!

Moustaches an yays galore!!!:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::yay::yay::yay::yay:

I haven't finished yet but this was too strong to kill by reading on.
Me and Luna have a private entertainment room room full of games and books and the like.
:unsuresweetie::duck::derpyderp1::applejackconfused::facehoof:

1482648...It's just a stupid little one shot comedy story. Don't take it too seriously as I certainly didn't write it that way.

1219807 Didn't they already cover this lesson?:pinkiecrazy: Nevermind...:pinkiehappy:

Definitely pretty good, I just find that Fluttershy kept asking if it was ok with her to play another.:rainbowlaugh:
She crushed Celestia, after giving her the chance to stop. Plotting Fluttershy...

1482659 I know, I just found it hard to not mention it

Nice story, I liked it!
Also I demand a sequel, this time a nice little round of poker. Mane6 & the goddesses. :scootangel: *please*

1597400 I hadn't thought about it before but...maybe...

That was good... I have never win a game at chess :twilightblush: :raritycry: but awesome story bro. :raritywink:

I love chess and I always thought Fluttershy would be good at it but never have I thought that I would find a fan fiction about chess. I would love to have a couple of matchs against Fluttershy. You earned a follower with this one fic.

"Oh don't grovel," she said. "If there is one thing that I can't stand its ponies groveling." The six stood up and looked embarrassed.
"Sorry," said Twilight with a nervous smile before she regained her composure.

"And stop apologizing! Every time I try to talk to somepony it's always 'I'm sorry' this and 'forgive me' that and 'I'm not worthy'!"

Very beautiful. Great fun.

Sus

You know, I think Holy Grail!God's sentiment fits Celestia perfectly, even if she's probably too polite to say it out loud.
Also, Chessmaster Fluttershy is a great concept! :yay: Fits her personality perfectly to just watch quietly for a round or two and then utterly destroy the opposition after learning their weaknesses.

Just got to the Monty Python and the Holy Grail reference. Oh how I hate groveling!

Oh my goddess, how did I miss this one? What a glorious little slice of life story. Well done!

Fluttershy is really op. But its awesome.

2450338 OP because she knows how to play chess really well?

Well, I dunno what everyone else thinks, but this is awesome. The flow of the conversation, the casual mentioning of the moves, the way the setup for what one thinks is a conversation about friendship - then the surprise Checkmate out of nowhere! Like I said, Awesome! :trollestia:

Go Fluttershy! Woo! :yay:

The poker game and the checker game with the blind chicken cry out to be written. Please do not disappoint us.

I have a song for Fluttershy, it matches her perfectly <3 [http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=5MJd0RTOW1Y]

"Swamp gas and weather balloons," said Luna.

Love the MIB reference
:rainbowlaugh:

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