• Member Since 11th Mar, 2012
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It's fanfiction all the way down.


When Twilight creates an amulet that bestows ultimate knowledge, she must face her greatest foe yet -- statistics!

My entry in the second Quills and Sofas Speedwriting Competition! Written in one hour and unedited. Based on the prompt: "Technically Not Terrible."

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 88 )

I question Starlight's diagnosis of Rainbow Dash if Dashie could put her through an external wall

This is a Magical Half-Hour episode. Come to think of it, so is the last winner. This can't be a coincidence.

That last question was never going to have an answer Twilight would be happy with.

Is not funny.


It's the funniest fic of it's type*!

*Pony stories about statistics written in speedwriting events in the summer.

Fantastically funny. Greatly enjoyed reading it in the competition.

This is a story about the difference between knowledge and wisdom.

To paraphrase from D&D, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Easily in my top ten stories about misused statistics. Thank you for a very applicable lesson. A shame this one won't be written out and sent to Celestia. Especially given that cheesemaker's convention yesterday.

Wait... Gap, you wrote something about Twilight that wasn't horribly depressing and concerning?


I know right?

And Experience is having tried tomato in a fruit salad and enjoying it.

(Sliced grapes, cherry tomato, basil, balsamic vinegar)

Now this is pretty funny.

If its just those four ingrediants, i dont think you understand what a fruit salad is...

This has the most accurate chapter title of all of your speedwriting fics, GaPJaxie!

And charisma is selling the fruit salad made from tomatoes! (Basically, salsa.)

9795048 9795059
Hey, add mozzarella and olive oil and you have a fantastic caprese. It's a salad. There's fruit. I'd say it counts.

A fruit salad is a salad made entirely from fruit :P

Statistically speaking, this is a very good story.

And both tomatoes and grapes are fruit. QED.

Yes, but i said its made of only fruit... barring a few exceptions

you’re an anorexic whose ass looks like two boxcutters

.. this can't get any better ..

Exactly how many times has Celestia written a friendship letter to you while pooping

Oh, right :pinkiehappy:

Looks like the percentage of Amulet-related incidents that end well for the Amuletee remains zero.

...So how many ancient occult sites are there in the Ponyville area? :D

...And who exactly was in that sample of impacted stallions? :D

Ah, and then the story addresses those questions. :)

"Thunderlane had a princess fetish, but wasn’t into tall mares."
...And I should maybe stop picking out the bits I find particularly funny, because I get the impression there will be a good number of them. :)

"Rainbow was less gentle than Twilight. She kicked Starlight through an external wall."
I mean, to be fair, that one was kind of a higher proportion Starlight's fault. :D

"and then Dead Beat got a job in that all-necromancer unicorn acapella band"
Pffhaha okay and that one is getting picked out anyway!

Aye, that was indeed well deserving of its comedy tag. :D

...you’re an anorexic whose ass...

It was about 5 a.m. where I am by the time the contest wrapped up and I read your story for the final round. In that state, I slightly misread the above words, thinking the S in the middle of 'whose' was actually an R. Definitely made that an intense moment!


A ha ha ha ha ha! :rainbowlaugh:

Hilarious in the sense that Twilight gained nothing but useless unreliable statistics that over a small scope of ponies, over a small period of time or even a small area. While the facts are technically true. They don't truly cover everything.

Starlight being the realist was entertaining bit she should learn to shut her mouth.

There are things not meant to know. The porcelain-throne habits of your mentor is one such thing.

Statistics are actually very valuable and in some cases necessary for knowledge. The wisdom comes in knowing what questions to ask.

By the end of this, Twilight deserved what she found out.


There are the Crystal Castle, with it's Magic Map, and the Crystal Treehouse/Clubhouse, although admittedly they're not too ancient. IIRC, Twilight keeps several powerful magic artifacts at her school to use in scavenger hunts or to provide evil fillies with opportunities to take over the world, so it might count. The Mirror Pool seems to be a fairly close walk away. And I think Discord and the Everfree both count as Occult Sites in themselves. (Frankly, I think being next door to a forest full of monsters might have more to do with the monster attacks than anything else).

This is a story about the difference between knowledge and wisdom.

No? It is about the difference between knowledge and information.
Information is useless without the knowledge required to interpret it correctly.

Just because you have immediate and effortless access to almost any information doesn't mean you actually know anything. Unless you define knowledge as being in possession of factually correct answers to a certain set of questions, of course, but that's just... well.

And wisdom is a whole different beast entirely. You gotta ask Princess Celestia one that one. You know, once she's eventually done writing all those friendship letters. :derpytongue2:

“Yeah, Rainbow,” Starlight said. “That’s because the fastest flyer in all Equestria actually has some curves, and you’re an anorexic whose ass looks like two boxcutters.”


Shouldn't that be 'plot that looks like two box cutters'?


Exactly how many times has Celestia written a friendship letter to you while pooping

Oh, right :pinkiehappy:

Zero, because everybody knows Princesses Don’t Potty.

Well this was brilliant!
Poor Sunset, the back and forth between her and... everyone was hilarious!
It's true, statistics lie. This highlights that beautifully. Twilight, so smart but not all the time.

(I also definitely read that as 'anorexic whore ass' and could not keep a straight face :rainbowlaugh:)


To paraphrase from D&D, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

You can make fruit salad with tomato. It's called salsa. :twilightblush:

This so needs an epilogue!

Overall I enjoyed this, I thought it was very clever, but Starlight's burn on RD was incredibly out of left field and tonally disparate from everything else. I thought we were just having some good cheeky fun, not revealing that one of the top athletes in Equestria is just an overconfident anorexic with no accomplishments.

I figured out what's bothering me specifically about this. For all the other Mane Six, Starlight is pointing out issues with the statistic cited. For Rainbow Dash, Starlight doesn't really contest the statistic and just straight insults her to her face. I feel like the story would've been better off if you subverted the joke with Rainbow, cause she's so athletically incredible that her statistic is actually true, and it's gonna go straight to her head.

Not sure if they can count as sites if they're mobile, but thanks.
And a good point about the forest. :D

Charisma is being able to sell a tomato-based fruit salad...guys, I think we found the bard!

Well, that was a fun little romp. Really enjoyed this.

No, being a bard is being able to seduce a tomato based fruit salad.

And satisfy it.

And then after a wrong spell, the amulet is thrown a couple of thousand years in the past and renamed the Alicorn amulet by Starswirl that used it to be known everywhere as the greatest wizard

Good and funny story

That last question...

I'm sickened, but curious.

Wait, if the fastest flier in Equestria has some curves, and Rainbow Dash is... Rainbow Dash, then who's the fastest?

I feel like this isn't ultimate knowledge. This is just nitpicking with charts and graphs. Only way for it to be true knowledge, is that you could look up deliberate information, like how to create a stable duplication spell. Stuff like that.


Yes. It's a parody of real-life analytics software, which claims it can tell you "everything there is to know about your [software/system/whatever]," but all it actually does is spit out dangerously misleading claims.

You forgot XCOM hit percentages.

It's like how statins like Lipitor only improve your chance of avoiding heart disease by 1%, but you're 15% likely to get bad symptoms!


Celestia. 'Cause Alicorn Power. Rainbow might be Fastest Pegasus though.

“I’m not sure. It’s probably my mane. Or my physique.” She trotted up next to Starlight’s desk, striking a pose with one hoof up. “You’re gay, right? I should be more sensitive. This is probably pretty difficult for you. You know, if you ever need to express attraction to me, it’s okay.”

I like where she was going with that.

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