• Published 22nd Aug 2019
  • 5,501 Views, 89 Comments

Analytics - GaPJaxie



There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

  • ...
11
 89
 5,501

The Best Chapter (Also The Worst)

“Ponyville,” Twilight said, “has the lowest rate of monster attacks per ancient occult site of any town in Equestria. So basically it's perfectly safe, and certain pink and purple malcontents should stop complaining.”

“Fine,” snapped Starlight.

“Good,” Twilight snapped right back.

Then an ogre smashed in one of the castle walls, so they both had to go deal with that.


“You know,” Twilight said, “I have the highest local approval rating of any alicorn princess.”

“How are you defining ‘local’ in that metric?” Starlight asked.

“It’s defined the same way for every princess.” Twilight huffed. “A survey of all ponies who live in the area that princess rules.”

“You only rule this castle.”

“Yeah, and you said you liked me on the form!” Twilight stamped a hoof and flared out her wings. “So between you and Spike, that’s a 100% approval rating and I’m the best Princess in all Equestria.”

Then an angry mob of earth ponies broke down the first floor door, screaming about land reform and that Twilight bought all the good ice cream at Ponyville’s only cold grocer. So they both had to go deal with that.


“You know,” Twilight said, “according to a survey of impacted stallions, I’m the sexiest mare alive.”

“Aaaaah.” Starlight let her face sink into her hooves. “Why? Why, Twilight?”

“I’m not sure. It’s probably my mane. Or my physique.” She trotted up next to Starlight’s desk, striking a pose with one hoof up. “You’re gay, right? I should be more sensitive. This is probably pretty difficult for you. You know, if you ever need to express attraction to me, it’s okay.”

Starlight reached into her desk, pulled out a bottle of cheap vodka, and poured it into her tea.


This is a story about the difference between knowledge and wisdom.

It should be emphasized at this point that every statistical claim in this story is strictly accurate. Ponyville really did have the lowest rate of monster attack per ancient occult site of any city in Equestria (most cities have no occult sites). It was also true that Twilight was the most popular princess among creatures she ruled (all two of them), and that according to all stallions impacted by her appearance (Thunderlane) she had it going on.

Thunderlane had a princess fetish, but wasn’t into tall mares.

This is also, at the more superficial level, a story about Twilight and a certain magical amulet. Despite being a powerful wizard, Twilight had never been much of an enchanter. She crafted no wards, forged no rings, and carried no staff. And so when she sought to further diversify her understanding of the magical arts, the creation of magical items struck her as a natural area of interest, and an amulet she made.

The Amulet of Twilight. Because if Starswirl, Mage Meadowbrook, and the others could name their items after themselves, Twilight could too. It was a little thing, black with a purple finish and a clouded blue stone in the center. It’s power was simple.

“Ultimate knowledge,” she said, as she put the amulet around her neck. “The caster need merely think a question, and they shall in an instant know the answer to the slightest detail.”

“Wow,” Starlight said, noticing a slight glow that settled from the amulet into Twilight’s eyes. “That’s quite the enchantment. How do you know it works?”

The amulet flashed, and Twilight’s eyes flashed in turn. “Well,” she said, “not to toot my own horn, but it is the single most powerful magical item made in all of Equestria in more than fifty years.”

“Um. Sure.” Starlight tilted her head. “But power probably isn’t the best measure of effectiveness for an unproven magical item. I mean, there are cursed items that are very powerful. And magical items are made incredibly rarely. How many were made in the last fifty years for comparison?”

“Jeeze, Starlight,” Twilight said, “why are you so determined to be negative about this?”

“I’m not negative, I’m just—”

“You’re negative all the time.” Twilight’s eyes flashed. “In fact, did you know that one-hundred percent of your magic-item related dialogue was evaluated as ‘unfriendly’ by an impartial committee of ponies?”

“My only ‘magical item related’ dialogue is this and talking about the Staff of Sameness, which…” She froze. “Wait, what impartial committee are you talking about?”

“See,” Twilight sighed. “Now you’re nitpicking.”

“Right, Twilight, I’m just going to take that amulet off you for a second, and we’ll see—”

“Did you know,” Twilight’s eyes flashed, and her tone took a turn for the upbeat, “that one-hundred percent of your recent amulet-removal related interactions involved you being kicked through a solid wall?”

At least, Starlight reflected, Twilight picked an internal wall. Those hurt considerably less.


After she got out of the hospital, Starlight mostly confined herself to her study, reading through books on enchanting in the search for a spell that would allow her to remove the amulet from Twilight’s neck—without being kicked through a nearby solid object. She had hoped to enlist the help of the rest of Twilight’s friends, but found her efforts in that regard stymied.

“Starlight,” Rarity called. “Wonderful to see you darling. Did you know I run the most successful tailoring establishment in the entire Ponyville area? Oh, I’m just beside myself with glee. And my business grew faster than any other this year, as measured by geographic coverage.”

“Does ‘geographic coverage’ count everything between Ponyville and Manehatten as part of your ‘covered area’?” Starlight asked. So Rarity called her a negative nelly.

“Staaaarrrlight.” Pinkie Pie bounced up to her desk. “Did you know I know I’m the best candy taster in all of Equestria?”

“Is that measured by the amount of candy you’ve tasted?” Starlight asked. “Because if so, that’s not measuring how capable a candy taster you are, I think you just have Type II diabeties from bad diet.” And so Pinkie Pie called her an armchair doctor.

“Gosh, Starlight,” Fluttershy said, “I had no idea I ran the most diverse animal shelter in all of Equestria.”

“You’re next to the Everfree forest.”

“Howdy,” Applejack called. “Great news about the farm. Twilight says our revenue this month is our highest on record, and if things keep going this way, we’ll be millionaires by the end of winter.”

“It’s harvest season. Your revenue will be zero in winter.”

“This is great!” Spike buffed his claws on his scales. “Twilight says that if I keep growing at my current rate, in a hundred years, I’ll be the biggest and strongest dragon who ever lived.”

“You’re going through puberty.”

“Hey Starlight,” Rainbow called, “did you know I have the best speed/weight ratio of any flyer?”

“Yeah, Rainbow,” Starlight said. “That’s because the fastest flyer in all Equestria actually has some curves, and you’re an anorexic whose ass looks like two boxcutters.”

Rainbow was less gentle than Twilight. She kicked Starlight through an external wall.


And then she found her spell.

It took her some time to work up the nerve to use it. She took a drink, rubbed her temples, and spent a long time staring into the mirror. Finally, she let out a breath, and marched upstairs to Twilight’s library.

“Hey, Starlight,” Twilight called, her eyes already illuminated. “Did you know that since I became princess, Ponyville’s unemployment rate has dropped by over 30%?”

“Is ‘over 30%’ exactly a third? And is it a third because Ponyville used to have three unemployed ponies, and then Dead Beat got a job in that all-necromancer unicorn acapella band?”

Twilight didn’t look up from her book, but softly tsked. “Why can’t you just be happy for the good news? You’re always so difficult?”

“Yeah.” Starlight let out a soft sigh. “So, I did the research, and it turns out there’s exactly two ways to free you from a cursed amulet of knowledge. The first way is for you to develop the self-awareness, wisdom, and restraint to understand the difference between facts and genuine understanding, so you can shake off the curse’s effects.”

“I’m already very wise, but thank you.”

“The second way is…” Starlight took a deep breath, and laughed. “The second way.” She laughed again, staring down between her hooves. “I’m sorry, Twilight. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, but I couldn’t find a better way.”

“If you try to take it off me, I’m going to have to kick your flank again.”

“No. No. I’m not going to fight you.” Starlight lifted her head. “Hey, Twilight. Since you’re all-knowing, could you tell me exactly how many ponies in Equestria think you’re a little pudgy? Not a percentage, the absolute number.”

“Two-point-seven million.” Twilight froze. The light behind her eyes flickered. “Wait. That can’t be right. That’s more than the entire population of Manehatten.”

Starlight swallowed. “And maybe you could tell me, how many times per day does one of your best friends think about you during sex?”

“0.013,” Twilight said. Her mouth fell open, and the light flickered again. “Oh. Oh, no. Wait, that’s once in a hundred days? But which one is it? It’s Rainbow, right? It can’t be. But it has to be. Unless it’s Fluttershy. Would she—”

“Is it true that since you became headmaster, the friendship school has had the worst rate of monster attacks of any school in Equestria, and that a majority of parents would consider that ‘very concerning’?"

The light behind Twilight’s eyes eyes flashed, then just as quickly went out. The clasp of the amulet around her neck loosened, and she whirled to face Starlight. “Stop it!” she shouted. “Numbers aren’t everything. I’m a great headmaster. And I’m not fat!”

“I’m sorry, Twilight.” Starlight swallowed one more time, her voice cracking as she spoke. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t you—”

“Exactly how many times has Celestia written a friendship letter to you while pooping?”

The light behind Twilight’s eyes flashed one last time. Then she clutched her face with her hooves and screamed.

The amulet fell from her neck.

Comments ( 89 )

I question Starlight's diagnosis of Rainbow Dash if Dashie could put her through an external wall

This is a Magical Half-Hour episode. Come to think of it, so is the last winner. This can't be a coincidence.

That last question was never going to have an answer Twilight would be happy with.

Is not funny.

9794987

It's the funniest fic of it's type*!

*Pony stories about statistics written in speedwriting events in the summer.

Fantastically funny. Greatly enjoyed reading it in the competition.

This is a story about the difference between knowledge and wisdom.

To paraphrase from D&D, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Easily in my top ten stories about misused statistics. Thank you for a very applicable lesson. A shame this one won't be written out and sent to Celestia. Especially given that cheesemaker's convention yesterday.

Wait... Gap, you wrote something about Twilight that wasn't horribly depressing and concerning?

9795014

I know right?

9795000
And Experience is having tried tomato in a fruit salad and enjoying it.

(Sliced grapes, cherry tomato, basil, balsamic vinegar)

Now this is pretty funny.

9795048
If its just those four ingrediants, i dont think you understand what a fruit salad is...

This has the most accurate chapter title of all of your speedwriting fics, GaPJaxie!

9795000
And charisma is selling the fruit salad made from tomatoes! (Basically, salsa.)

9795048 9795059
Hey, add mozzarella and olive oil and you have a fantastic caprese. It's a salad. There's fruit. I'd say it counts.

9795140
A fruit salad is a salad made entirely from fruit :P

Statistically speaking, this is a very good story.

9795144
And both tomatoes and grapes are fruit. QED.

9795152
Yes, but i said its made of only fruit... barring a few exceptions

you’re an anorexic whose ass looks like two boxcutters

.. this can't get any better ..

Exactly how many times has Celestia written a friendship letter to you while pooping

Oh, right :pinkiehappy:

Looks like the percentage of Amulet-related incidents that end well for the Amuletee remains zero.

...So how many ancient occult sites are there in the Ponyville area? :D

...And who exactly was in that sample of impacted stallions? :D

Ah, and then the story addresses those questions. :)

"Thunderlane had a princess fetish, but wasn’t into tall mares."
:D
...And I should maybe stop picking out the bits I find particularly funny, because I get the impression there will be a good number of them. :)

"Rainbow was less gentle than Twilight. She kicked Starlight through an external wall."
I mean, to be fair, that one was kind of a higher proportion Starlight's fault. :D

"and then Dead Beat got a job in that all-necromancer unicorn acapella band"
Pffhaha okay and that one is getting picked out anyway!

Aye, that was indeed well deserving of its comedy tag. :D

...you’re an anorexic whose ass...

It was about 5 a.m. where I am by the time the contest wrapped up and I read your story for the final round. In that state, I slightly misread the above words, thinking the S in the middle of 'whose' was actually an R. Definitely made that an intense moment!

9795398

A ha ha ha ha ha! :rainbowlaugh:

Hilarious in the sense that Twilight gained nothing but useless unreliable statistics that over a small scope of ponies, over a small period of time or even a small area. While the facts are technically true. They don't truly cover everything.

Starlight being the realist was entertaining bit she should learn to shut her mouth.

There are things not meant to know. The porcelain-throne habits of your mentor is one such thing.

Statistics are actually very valuable and in some cases necessary for knowledge. The wisdom comes in knowing what questions to ask.

By the end of this, Twilight deserved what she found out.

9795351

There are the Crystal Castle, with it's Magic Map, and the Crystal Treehouse/Clubhouse, although admittedly they're not too ancient. IIRC, Twilight keeps several powerful magic artifacts at her school to use in scavenger hunts or to provide evil fillies with opportunities to take over the world, so it might count. The Mirror Pool seems to be a fairly close walk away. And I think Discord and the Everfree both count as Occult Sites in themselves. (Frankly, I think being next door to a forest full of monsters might have more to do with the monster attacks than anything else).

This is a story about the difference between knowledge and wisdom.

No? It is about the difference between knowledge and information.
Information is useless without the knowledge required to interpret it correctly.

Just because you have immediate and effortless access to almost any information doesn't mean you actually know anything. Unless you define knowledge as being in possession of factually correct answers to a certain set of questions, of course, but that's just... well.

And wisdom is a whole different beast entirely. You gotta ask Princess Celestia one that one. You know, once she's eventually done writing all those friendship letters. :derpytongue2:

“Yeah, Rainbow,” Starlight said. “That’s because the fastest flyer in all Equestria actually has some curves, and you’re an anorexic whose ass looks like two boxcutters.”

REKT

9795725
Shouldn't that be 'plot that looks like two box cutters'?

9795297

Exactly how many times has Celestia written a friendship letter to you while pooping

Oh, right :pinkiehappy:

Zero, because everybody knows Princesses Don’t Potty.

Well this was brilliant!
Poor Sunset, the back and forth between her and... everyone was hilarious!
It's true, statistics lie. This highlights that beautifully. Twilight, so smart but not all the time.

(I also definitely read that as 'anorexic whore ass' and could not keep a straight face :rainbowlaugh:)

9795000

To paraphrase from D&D, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

You can make fruit salad with tomato. It's called salsa. :twilightblush:

This so needs an epilogue!

Overall I enjoyed this, I thought it was very clever, but Starlight's burn on RD was incredibly out of left field and tonally disparate from everything else. I thought we were just having some good cheeky fun, not revealing that one of the top athletes in Equestria is just an overconfident anorexic with no accomplishments.

I figured out what's bothering me specifically about this. For all the other Mane Six, Starlight is pointing out issues with the statistic cited. For Rainbow Dash, Starlight doesn't really contest the statistic and just straight insults her to her face. I feel like the story would've been better off if you subverted the joke with Rainbow, cause she's so athletically incredible that her statistic is actually true, and it's gonna go straight to her head.

9795651
Not sure if they can count as sites if they're mobile, but thanks.
And a good point about the forest. :D

9796021
Charisma is being able to sell a tomato-based fruit salad...guys, I think we found the bard!

Well, that was a fun little romp. Really enjoyed this.

9796326
No, being a bard is being able to seduce a tomato based fruit salad.

And satisfy it.

And then after a wrong spell, the amulet is thrown a couple of thousand years in the past and renamed the Alicorn amulet by Starswirl that used it to be known everywhere as the greatest wizard

Good and funny story

That last question...

I'm sickened, but curious.

9795725
Wait, if the fastest flier in Equestria has some curves, and Rainbow Dash is... Rainbow Dash, then who's the fastest?

I feel like this isn't ultimate knowledge. This is just nitpicking with charts and graphs. Only way for it to be true knowledge, is that you could look up deliberate information, like how to create a stable duplication spell. Stuff like that.

9796749

Yes. It's a parody of real-life analytics software, which claims it can tell you "everything there is to know about your [software/system/whatever]," but all it actually does is spit out dangerously misleading claims.

You forgot XCOM hit percentages.

9796757
It's like how statins like Lipitor only improve your chance of avoiding heart disease by 1%, but you're 15% likely to get bad symptoms!

9796703

Celestia. 'Cause Alicorn Power. Rainbow might be Fastest Pegasus though.

“I’m not sure. It’s probably my mane. Or my physique.” She trotted up next to Starlight’s desk, striking a pose with one hoof up. “You’re gay, right? I should be more sensitive. This is probably pretty difficult for you. You know, if you ever need to express attraction to me, it’s okay.”

I like where she was going with that.

Login or register to comment