The phone wasn't ringing.
Legit Collector sat with his head on his desk, staring out at nothing in particular. It seemed so simple. Call a few dumb ponies, rake in the bits, then do it all over again until he became bored or another opportunity presented itself. Yet somehow it had all gone horribly wrong.
Not a single usable bit. Probably. Legit looked to the back of the room where the large bag filled with a million bits sat, almost taunting him. Given that he had figured that it was Discord who he'd managed to call, he reflected on his minor fortune that the bag itself wasn't actually taunting him. He wished that he knew what would happen with each bit, then he could spend accordingly.
But none of it really mattered in the end. He felt like it would be better if he was the last pony on the planet.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
Legit looked up from his desk and sighed. Maybe it was the pizza delivery pony. A half hour late as usual. He groaned as he stood up from his chair and walked over to the door.
"Well it's about ti--"
His pupils shrank and his jaw hit the floor when he saw who had knocked. Discord himself, dressed as a pizza delivery pony and carrying a stack of pizzas.
"Your pizza has arrived!" Discord said gleefully.
Legit's eye twitched as he started out at Discord, but after a moment, he sighed and shook his head. "Whatever. It's fine. How much do I owe you?" He motioned back to the bag of bits. "I'm willing to roll the dice on this one."
"Oh no, no, my good fellow, this one is on me." Discord floated the pizzas onto Legit's desk and wrapped just his left arm around Legit's shoulders. "Want to talk about it?"
"Oh go away, go away," Legit grumbled. "I can't deal with this anymore."
"Oh, but I insist!" Discord said. "You have so much to talk about!" Discord grinned as he pushed Legit out the door. "But not with me at the moment."
With a snap of his claws, Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Celestia, Luna, Chrysalis, Maud, Flim, Flam, Caramel, Trixie, all three Cutie Mark Crusaders, Flurry Heart (who was being held by Cadance), Spike, Tempest, Starlight, Blueblood, Bon Bon, Studious Collector, Dusty Tome, pony Sunset Shimmer, Granny Smith, and Moondancer, all appeared out of thin air in front of him.
Everypony was silent for a few moments as they registered exactly what had just happened. Legit reacted first, whirling around to run back through his door so he could barricade himself in.
Unfortunately, when he turned around he saw that he no longer had a door.
"Oh no," he whimpered.
"Everyone...!" Discord whirled Legit around again. "Your scammer!"
Everypony gasped at once.
"YOU!" everypony shouted at once.
"I have business with you, scammer!" Tempest roared. "And if I hear one more word about a setting sun I will have business with two ponies!"
"Sorry," Starlight muttered. "But, um... I can't let you kill him. It wouldn't be right.
"And why would you have a problem with the setting su--?" Celestia's eyes widened. "Chrysalis!"
"Celestia!" Chrysalis growled, whirling toward her foe as she crackled her horn. "Speaking of unfinished business, you and I never truly--"
"If you want to fight her then you're going to have to fight me too, bug," Cadance growled, rushing to Celestia's side. "You almost ruined my wedding!"
"And you shall face me as well!" Luna roared.
"Why? You weren't even at the wedding," Chrysalis said with a smug smile. "You have too long of a nighty-night?"
"I will end you!"
"Scama!" Flurry Heart said, pointing to Legit.
Legit's eyes widened. "The baby didn't even fall for it?!" Legit groaned and sat down with a double facehoof. "Oh, oh that one hurts."
"To be fair, it was kind of obvious," Twilight said, glancing back at the three princess who were about to go to town on Chrysalis.
"You owe me a new computer," Legit growled. "That wasn't fair. And you!" He turned his glare to Fluttershy. "Do you have any idea what that evil rabbit did to me?!"
"Yes," Fluttershy muttered as she flattened her ears.
"Do you still want those cards?" Pinkie asked, pulling a stack of various kinds of cards out of her mane.
"And just where do you two think yer going?" Applejack growled as she noticed Flim and Flam trying to sneak away in the commotion. "Ah should get the lawn mower for you too!"
"Oh there's no need for that, Miss Applejack," Flim said with an uneasy look to his brother. "We've left you alone!"
"They scammed me," Legit pointed out as the battle between the alicorns and Chrysalis got going. Discord put a shield around the four of them to prevent their battle from leveling the town.
"So you all ain't learned nothin'," Applejack snapped. "Ah'm gonna tell Princess Celestia 'bout yer ways!"
"Ah'll join ya!" Granny Smith grumbled. "Y'all are worse than him!"
"Really?" Legit asked, hope in his eyes for the first time.
"I don't think so," Studious Collector said with a frown. "You sullied the good name of the Equestrian Revenue Service!"
"Ha!" Trixie said.
"So, um, is anypony else freaking out a little bit right now?" Sunset said, staring at her hooves. "This is kinda... uh... I don't know how to feel."
"Well, you've learned the value of friendship since you've been in the other world," Twilight said, wrapping her wing around Sunset. "I'm sure Princess Celestia will want to hear all about it once..." She looked back to the battle and grimaced.
"Another world, you say?" Dusty Tome said. "Why, if you wrote a book about that, I'd be honored to have it in my library."
"You know, as fascinating as this all has been, I'm out of here," Caramel said.
Maud didn't say anything, even as one of Celestia's spells burst through Discord's shield and came within an inch of blowing her head off. She had found an interesting rock. Moondancer had taken out a book and was studying beside her. If the magic glow around her ears was any indication, she had cast a noise cancelling spell, though how well it was working might have been up for debate.
"Trixie feels that this scammer owes her some money!" Trixie said. "She had to go back to another tax lawyer just to double-check that the tips she makes isn't taxable income!"
"Wait..." Celestia paused for a moment, even though she had Chrysalis's neck wrapped in her magic. "Did I not make tips taxable income?"
"Oh, um..." Trixie gulped and began backing away. "Forget Trixie said anything!"
"As entertaining as all of this has been, I must get back to my work," Rarity grumbled. "I have a huge order to--"
"Oh come on!" Rainbow said, throwing her foreleg around Rarity's shoulders and motioning to the madness in front of them. "You've gotta admit that this is awesome! The princesses are absolutely kicking Chrysalis's flank!"
Rarity sighed and rolled her eyes. "Oh... perhaps it may be a little entertaining."
"So if Princess Celestia rips Chrysalis in half, would that damage our fragile little psyches to see that?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Ah think so, but it'd be for the greater good, right?"
"We'd get over it," Scootaloo agreed with a nod.
"Wait, were you the pony I gave that pep talk to?" Spike asked with a frown.
"Yes," Legit muttered.
"Huh. Dang. Maybe I should give you a pep talk about something else."
"Don't you worry your little scaly head about it, Spike!" Pinkie said as she sat down next to him. "Wanna play Hungry-Hungry Hippos the Card Game?"
Spike shrugged. "Sure."
"Were you the pony that was going to give me a million bits?" Blueblood asked. "I still have my bank statement around!"
"Oh, um..." Legit looked up to Discord, who grinned and snapped his claws.
"I'll give you this one," Discord said.
Instantly the bag of bits appeared in front of Blueblood. His eyes widened and he let out a squeal of joy. "I'm rich!" he cried. "I'm rich! I have enough to pay back Auntie Tia and have a large sum left over!"
"I don't want that money," Celestia said, glaring at Discord.
"All the better for me!"
"Gyoyoyoyoyoyuuuugggghh," Chrysalis said as Luna shook her in her magic.
Meanwhile, Bon Bon had slipped to a side of Legit's house and begun talking into her secret watch. "This is Special Agent Six-One-One-Four-Three-Oh-Nine. Golden Plot and Moonflank have defeated Bugbad with the help of Hearty Heart."
"Roger. We'll update the file accordingly."
Discord sighed in contentment as he landed next to Legit. "Can you believe it? It's everything I've ever imagined. I daresay if I was still in stone all of this would have freed me."
"Oh go away," Legit grumbled. "I should have never gotten into this business in the first place."
"Hindsight is twenty-twenty, I'm afraid."
"Yeah, yeah." He sat there for a few moments before looking back to Discord. "Can I have my door back? I think I get the point."
"Well, if you're sure you don't want to watch the chaos and strife that you caused, I suppose I can help." Discord snapped his claws again, causing Legit's door to open up again. "I can't do anything about the noise of all of this, I'm afraid."
"Yes you can," Legit growled as he stood up.
Discord shrugged. "I suppose so, but why would I?"
"Oh go away!"
With that, Legit ran back into his house and slammed the door.
* * * *
Several hours of commotion later, Legit heard a knock on the door. He sleepily looked over to it from his bed. Why bother trying to hide at this point? He slid out of bed and walked over to the door. He didn't even flinch when Twilight Sparkle was behind it, though she seemed to be alone.
"Hi. You wanna talk about it?" Twilight asked.
"Oh, I don't care," Legit said with a sigh. He stepped aside so Twilight could enter. "Pizza?"
Twilight looked at the boxes with some trepidation. "I don't know. Did Discord deliver them?"
"Yeah, but they don't seem to be poisonous or anything like that." Legit lit his horn and grabbed a slice from one of the boxes. "So what brings you back?"
"Well, my friends and I have been talking, and I came to the conclusion that, well, you're not the worst pony that we've dealt with. We can help you."
"Uh-huh," Legit said flatly.
"I... we think that if you had the magic of friendship in your life then you wouldn't have to scam ponies," Twilight said. "I mean, this probably isn't the job that you wanted, right?"
Legit just grunted.
"I'll take that as a yes. Why would you want this job? In any case, it's not your cutie mark, is it?"
Legit rolled his eyes, but shook his head as he finished his slice.
"So, what does it mean?" Twilight looked at his cutie mark. It was a hoof trying to punch through a rock.
"It's about determination," Legit replied. "It shows that I never give up, even when the odds are against me."
"Well there you go!" Twilight said happily. "Think of all of the awesome things that you could do that don't involve scamming ponies!"
"I guess," Legit muttered.
"Your name isn't even Legit Collector, is it?"
Legit scoffed and rolled his eyes. "There's no way that I'd use my real name for something like this. My real name is... Hard Head."
"I..." Twilight paused for a moment. "Um..." She forced a smile back on her face and put a hoof on his shoulder. "Well, Hard Head, I think that the Magic of Friendship would have a big impact on your life. You'd be happy with some friends to call your own. So..." Twilight held out her hoof to him. "Friends?"
Hard Head stared at Twilight's hoof for a few moments. After a time of silence, Twilight started to think that he wouldn't actually take it. However, he finally grabbed it and stood up.
"Eh, whatever. I have nothing else, do I?"
Twilight's smile faltered a bit. "Well, we can work on that."
"I want a new computer, though."
Twilight's eyes narrowed and she took a step forward. "Don't push it."