//------------------------------// // The Cutie Mark Crusaders // Story: Hello, This is Not a Scammer, I Promise // by BronyWriter //------------------------------// It started when the phone rang. For a moment all that could be heard was the sound of three sets of filly-sized hooves rushing up the ramp to the Official Clubhouse of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. The trio reached the phone and Apple Bloom pressed the speaker button on the phone as the other two sat around it. "Hello and thank you for callin' the Cutie Mark Crusaders, the ponies who help solve all of your cutie mark woes!" "Oh, uh... Is this a business?" The three frowned and all exchanged glances. "Um... I think so?" Scootaloo said. "Applejack helped us with the paperwork once we started makin' bits from it," Apple Bloom said. "But we're more of a minor business, Ah think." "The Cutie Mark Crusaders are a subsidiary of Sweet Apple Acres," Sweetie Belle said. "So I think we're okay." "Oh, uh, well this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I'm calling to inform you that your business is currently under investigation for tax evasion. Our records show that the correct paperwork was not filed." "Really? But Applejack said that it was okay," Apple Bloom said. "She was not correct. According to our records, you owe the ERS two thousand nine hundred and fifty-five bits." "How?" Scootaloo said, tilting her head. "We haven't made that much from being the Cutie Mark Crusaders." "Maybe he's counting the gem we got from Spike when he was watching everypony's pets?" Sweetie Belle said. "Y-yes! Yes that is correct!" "But that was before we even got our cutie marks," Apple Bloom said. "Ah don't know if we could declare it as income if we didn't have the business back then." "No, no, that is the issue. It's the gem. You didn't declare it as income. Now, there are a few ways we can go about this. You can pay the amount now, or you can try to fight the matter in court. If you fight the matter and lose, you will be subject to no less than ten years in an Equestrian penitentiary." "Whoa! That's a lot!" Scootaloo said. "Maybe we could get a reduced sentence because of our age," Apple Bloom said, tapping her jaw. "No, that is not how this works. Now what--" "Mister, do you have a cutie mark problem?" Sweetie Belle asked. "Yeah! If you do then you can pay us to solve it, and then we can pay the income tax!" Apple Bloom said with a grin. "I... no, I do not have a cutie mark problem. Now as I was saying--" "But you do have a cutie mark, right?" Scootaloo asked. "Yes, yes, of course I do. Now--" "Well what is it?" Apple Bloom grabbed a small chalkboard and put it on the table next to the phone. "You never know if you do have a cutie mark problem. Maybe you have one and don't know about it!" "And if you do, we can help you solve it for the low, low price of three thousand one hundred bits!" Sweetie Belle said to the agreement of the other two. "That way we can pay you and still have bits left over to pay the income tax on the money you paid us!" "I don't have a cutie mark problem, and I am not going to pay those prices! " "Well, Ah think you might," Apple Bloom said. "Don't worry, we even helped a griffin with a cutie mark problem once." "Plus, I don't think you're going to find better prices somewhere else," Scootaloo chimed in. "You should see what our Manehattan branch charges." "I... I don't have a fucking cutie mark problem! Shut the fuck up!" The clubhouse was silent for a few moments as the Cutie Mark Crusaders all exchanged glances with each other. It was Scootaloo who broke the silence first. "Um... what does fuck mean?" "I... uh..." "Yeah, I've never heard that word before," Sweetie Belle agreed. "Is it kind of like..." Sweetie Belle grimaced and leaned in to whisper, "ponyfeathers?" "Wait, are you three fillies?" "Sure are. Ah know it can kinda be hard ta tell over the phone, but we ain't all that old. We just got our cutie marks a little while ago," Apple Bloom said. "Oh. Oh. W-well, forget I said that. Forget I said anything." "Well we still wanna pay the ERS, Mister," Scootaloo said. "We don't wanna go to jail for ten years." "Well if you still want to." The pony on the other end cleared his throat. "As I was, uh, as I was saying. You can go to Barnyard Bargains and pick up some payment cards. F-from there you can give me the numbers on the cards and you will be all paid off." "Alright. Then we should go ask Applejack for the money," Apple Bloom said as the three of them stood up. "Hey, on the way can ya teach us more swear words?" "No, no I don't think that would be a good idea. Like I said: forget I said anything. Just go get the payment cards." Just then the CMC heard the sound of somepony walking up the ramp to their clubhouse. They all turned and saw Applejack poking her head in, smiling at the three of them. "Hey, y'all. Ah was about ta make lunch. You three fillies hungry?" "We sure are!" Apple Bloom said. "But before that, we were gonna help this stallion out with his cutie mark problem." "No, I don't... I don't have a cutie mark problem!" "Plus he was teaching us all kind of swear words," Scootaloo said with a nod. "Like fuck!" Sweetie Belle squeaked happily. "WHAT?!" Applejack rushed over to the phone. "What is your problem?!" "No, I wasn't teaching them swear words, I promise! I just slipped out and--" "Oh." Applejack's eyes narrowed. "You. Ah thought you would have figured not ta call here again!" "Oh dammit. Look--" "Do Ah gotta get the lawnmower again?!" Applejack roared. "Lawnmower?" Sweetie Belle muttered. "Don't worry, I'm not going to call back! I'm sorry!" *Click* Applejack growled and turned to the fillies, her eyes narrowed. "Now that was a scammer. Ah don't ever want y'all ta do what he tells you, ya hear?" "Oh, we know that," Scootaloo said with a wave of her hoof. "We weren't actually going to go to Barnyard Bargains." "We just kinda wanted ta know how mad he'd get before he hung up," Apple Bloom replied. "Good." Applejack stomped out of the clubhouse, but stopped as she reached the entrance and turned back to them. "Also, if Ah ever hear y'all using those words, Ah'm gonna wash yer mouths out with soap." "We won't. We promise!" Sweetie Belle said, triggering nods from the other two. "Good," Applejack growled. "Ah'll let you know when lunch is ready." With that, she turned and walked down the ramp and away from the clubhouse, leaving the fillies staring out the door. After a few moments, Scootaloo let out a quiet sight. "So who here already knew that word?" Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom instantly raised their hooves. "Yeah, me too. Rainbow Dash had a really nasty crash one day when I was watching her do stunts." "Yeah, Applejack stubbed her hoof on a rock pretty good one time." "Rarity had just finished a line of dresses that she'd spent a month on. Opal tore it up. I've never seen her that mad." "Yeah, well, I guess we shouldn't use that word, then." Apple Bloom shrugged. "Oh well. Ping pong?" "Ping pong," the other two said in unison.