Thomas, a human, has appeared in the magical land of Equestria, though it is much different from the show. Ponies of this world are all anthros. What's more, Thomas has been assigned as Princess Luna's royal concubine.
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You have an entire section that repeats itself, word for word:
A few paragraphs later:
Kinda ironic given that this chapter is about writing/editing a story and you commit this major error. Knocked me right out of reading the story when I came across it.
EDIT: I hate this tablet's "auto-correct" feature. It likes to replace perfectly acceptable words with other words that don't always make sense with the context.
EDIT 2:
...I don't understand what it is you're trying to convey.
6985397 Thanks for the catches. The really sad part is that I have editors, or at least peer reviewers, so this is a failure on multiple fronts. Anyway, I changed the second "Damn it" (which is exactly what I said upon reading your comment) and took out the first "special". Should make more sense now.
You know, I loved how Talon and Moonlight got entranced by Thomas' rendition of Disney's Robin Hood (Did you choose the story as a tribute to the death of the actor who voiced Robin Hood?). I also found it funny how much Talon liked sitting on Thomas and Moonlight's curiosity/desire to do the same.
6985443
It happens. Murphy's Law and all that.
The Guardian and Act of Valor (to a lesser extent, Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan). I'd love to see how your characters react to the concept of a "hero's sacrifice", given that Disney was able to push them that hard.
6985448 No I didn't. However, it does make a fortunate coincidence. Well if you saw your friends doing something they seemed to enjoy, wouldn't you be a little curious too?
6985458 Never seen the first or second one. Thomas would be hesitant about the third because he hasn't yet inquired on Equestrian views on warfare. And while Private Ryan does function as a good snapshot, it will inevitably lead to questions about context and that is just not something Thomas would be up for. And as you said, if they had such a strong reaction to classic Disney, imagine how they'd feel about about something significantly less tame.
In short, maybe later, but not now. Thanks though.
Oh that was great, having Thomas tell the Disney Story of Robin Hood, if you do another story do you think you can do Aladdin by chance, I would love to see the girls reaction to Genie and to see Thomas do the song "Never had a Friend like me!" I would love to see how they would react to that song, it's one of the best Disney songs of all time.
At this point You NEED to end a chapter with him telling the start of a story using the line, 'A long time ago in a galaxy, far, far away...'
6985472
The first two are beautiful examples of a well done, satisfying, sad ending (another example would be Ladder 49, so add that one to the list). I won't spoil them beyond that. Even if the story in and of itself isn't interesting to you (Act of Valor is a fictional story [based on several true events, much like Saving Private Ryan] from a modern SEAL team's point of view, and The Guardian is about USCG Rescue Swimmers), watch them just for the storytelling. They both are wonderfully done.
6985477 Now there's an idea. A little heavy on the visuals, so it won't be coming any time soon, but I'm working on a way around that.
a vary fun chapter for all good job.
6985478 Patience, young padawan. Patience.
Really need to rewatch a whole bunch of old cartoons, movies etc just to find out what Ive forgotoon, got wrong over the years.
Its that bear again. Jungle Book, or Plunder And Lightning?
If you want Death Of Heros, theres always Redwall.
If you want The Great Escape without the war, you could try Chicken Run.
Whimsy and strange, Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, or Dick Van Dyke as Bert the Chimney Sweep.
For insanity, Merry Melodies, Loony Toons, Roadrunner, Wile E Coyote and the whole Catapult collection. I think Twilight would get a hit out of hearing that particular skit.
Then theres the absolute classics.
Phil Silvers,
MASH,
Faulty Towers.
Is not a rat, is a genuine Siberian Hamster.
6985517 Of all these, I like Willy Wanka and Marry Poppins the most. Redwall is a good runner up, but it's a bit too long.
I only saw two or three things, but the only one I remember was that you put 'Robing' instead of 'Robin' once.
Ah, Robin Hood. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
6985611 Appreciation.
I'm sorry,
He chooses to go in the Moon this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because it is hard; because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of his energies and skills, because that challenge is one that he is willing to accept, one he is unwilling to postpone, and one he intends to win
6985672 I have no idea what any of that means.
6985523
Bl00dy fukin wanka M8
I would suggest How to train your dragon, the movie contains the right amount of 'human factor' and fantasy, so it should be funny to see the reaction of the Equestrians. Astrid is a female character with a strong personality that doesn't hesitate to get in action when needed; furthermore I've always found funny how between her and Hiccup she's the one with the muscles
I would love to see Moonlight and Talon's reactions to the slap-stick violence of Home Alone. I could just imagine how tense things would get right around the spider scene. "Ah-HAH! I got him! I got him Harry! Ah... Harry help me, get up! I got him!" A small child puts a spider on his face. Then he can shock his audience by trying to do the scream. I love it.
6985775 I'll consider it.
6985820 Now there's an interesting idea.
Awesome chapter! Maybe you could have Thomas tell about Mulan. It'd be perfect example how gender roles were reversed in different cultures, especially decades ago.
6985718
Its an edit of JFK's speech to america about going to the moon. Edited for entendres.
I don't really like the concept of a reaction video to human stories. Having the protagonist tell a story and describe their reaction to each scene kind of feels like filler. I feel you could cut most of the story down to a few paragraphs and still get the visual your going for. Now if he were to tell an original story doing it in this format might work. It gets let's the audience see what's happening without going on and on with details that don't really add to the story.
Hmmm, not sure if Star Wars/Trek would be a good suggestion from me or not.
While they sidestep the issue of geography entirely, its going to make his audience wonder about his origins since they've spent their entire lives not hearing of another race as aggressive and far-roving as Griffons and of equal/greater tech than Equestria -high enough to even imagine greater sci-fi tech, and here we have the ONLY human they ever heard of... "Humans, traveling through space?... hmmm?"
How about The Great Mouse Detective? or does he sing well enough to do "Rock N Rule"?
oooh Oooh! I got it! "Rocky Horror Picture Show!"
6986046 Ah. That's pretty cool.
6986075 I see what you're saying. The detail was so that I could follow the rule of show, don't tell. Now that the format has been established, it might be safe to cut down during future tellings. However, there were other things being established which will come into effect later.
*Facepalms "D'OH! How could I forget! "Princess Bride"!
6986234 You bring up good points for why picking the right story is so tricky. Overall, Star Wars is safer, but relies on too many concepts ponies wouldn't be familiar with and visuals which Thomas can't produce on his own. Great Mouse Detective is good. Rock n Rule holds the same issue of visuals. Still haven't seen Rocky.
Did you consider telling the tale of Star Wars Episode IV? Try to ring in Luna for it. I'm pretty sure everyone would love to hear the story.
6986244
I think I see what your going for, and while I think you could have accomplished your intent in fewer words, I feel that your trying to establish just how original an unique human stories are. Also establishing the charecters ability to relate these stories.
The only reason I didn't like the scene was I felt their reactions were over played... just a bit.
But enough of that, ifor your looking for good stories perhaps Swiss Family Robinson.
this was a awesome and cute /funny read it was nice that did realize when he was being rude to Talon ,And when he was tailing the story I was being pulled in by Moonlight and Talon's reactions to it, And it would be awesome to see Luna ,Celestia and Twilights reactions to Harry Potter any to all of them .
6986613 Except the character reactions weren't overplayed. I mean they were, but that was all deliberate and it'll be expanded upon later.
6986665 I think Twilight would hate Harry Potter. She'd be unable to shut up about all the ways Rolling's interpretation of magic is wrong.
6986793 I hate say it but you are probably right. How about Percy Jackson? she would probably like Annabeth chase.
Haha ! Talon and Smarty Corn has been Knock Outed by Disney's Robin Hood ! 8D
Epic chapter.
Can't wait for Luna earing about Frozen ! XD
Will sound kinda familliar to her huh ?! :D
6987549 No Frozen. Never Frozen. I choose to pretend it doesn't exist.
6987579 XD good choice. Have an annoying niece singing anoyingly ? Because I do ! XD
I think the disney's Hercules would be funny. After all, Equestrian mythologie is very close to the greek one.
Especially Celestia/Zeus fighting the Chaos/Titans to bring a peacefull land. And billion of other folklore creature.
Oh, and did you notice ? The chariot of Luna in Lunar Eclipsed is very similar to the one used by Hades in disney. And the cutie mark of RD reminds me of Zeus symbol. A bolt striking from a cloud.
But whatever. That was a fun chapter.
And I am so much waiting a "certain character" that I will certainly wet my pants seing it at least... And I don't talk about pee ! 8D
6987579
Do a super negative story now like tell the story about Bloodborne or Oryx the Taken King. There super sad and will certainly let them know that humans don't always make stories with "happy endings"
6988504 I think you mean characters. If they're the ones I'm thinking of, I might have to do that as a side story, maybe after a couple more join the harem.
6988738
Dark Souls 2, Halo Franchise, Metal Gear, Game of Thrones, the founding of America, Pokémon, Deadpool.
You know, just some ideas.
6990405
Those are perfectly awesome things to tell about as well in fact I'd love for them to hear about Deadpool a man who can literally never die, and takes the term "with great power, comes great responsibility" and throws it out a window.
Hell Discord is apparently "scary" to Equestrian talk about Warhammer "oh you ponies have one chaos god that's cute humanity has four and no we can't get rid of them with the elements of harmony"
6990405
Those are perfectly awesome things to tell about as well in fact I'd love for them to hear about Deadpool a man who can literally never die, and takes the term "with great power, comes great responsibility" and throws it out a window.
Hell Discord is apparently "scary" to Equestrian talk about Warhammer "oh you ponies have one chaos god that's cute humanity has four and no we can't get rid of them with the elements of harmony"
In my head I expect George Lopez to pop out of nowhere and tell Thomas "Shut up and eat your chicken butt"
6997050 I do not know of what you refer to, but I want to see it happen.
How about Thomas tells them the story of Treasure Island? The Muppet version, since you're character is pulling his story options from movies. I could see most of the jokes still working for an Equestrian audience.
Or, if not that, how about The Princess Bride? A really good fairy tale would go over well with his audience too, methinks.