Thomas, a human, has appeared in the magical land of Equestria, though it is much different from the show. Ponies of this world are all anthros. What's more, Thomas has been assigned as Princess Luna's royal concubine.
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It was entertaining to see Luna and Thomas argue over buying a desk along with how excited Moonlight and Thomas acted when talking about buying a dual desk. Thomas stunning everybody with his knowledge of economics was funny and the scene with the bokken was nice. Great job on the chapter.
The bokken is a good choice, and still plenty lethal if necessary.
a interesting chapter it looks as if Thomas is not going to be as defenseless as he was.
6774660 Glad you enjoyed it.
6774670 You have no idea.
6774686 That's one way of putting it.
6774784
Well I have some idea. Not that I've killed anyone...with a wooden sword...or anything.
That was fun, may I have another? Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Merry Christmas!
I think he should have asked for something special, like a sakabatõ.
However he is still a newbie so a bokken is great to start out with.
Also now I have an image of a naked busty female griffon decked out with bandoliers of ammo with a M16 in each talon and a Desert Eagle strapped on each of her hips. Thank you.
Great chapter. Happy New Year.
You should have thomas pull a reverse of spice and wolf.
I'm enjoying the foreshadowing with Twilight. Looking forward to seeing a bit more of her in this story. I'm betting "history" will get thrown into some kind of "chaos" at some point.
With the right enchantments, I'm sure the bokken can be quite the formidable weapon in its own right.
I loled at this part
6775050 I want to see that too.
6775348 Please clarify. I've seen the show, but what is a reverse?
6775536 I think you mean Moonlight.
6775684 As did I.
I wonder if Celestia was told about guns when Thomas and she first talked.
Such sciences certainly seem as something Celestia would stow as securely secret.
Thomas really need to stop atuocorecting "person" to "pony", "person" works just fine. There's even a griffin standing right there . Don't fall into casual racism Thomas! Don't do it!
Well, nice chapter.
But !
Am I the only one finding Thomas a little... Capricious ? Wayward ?
Gods, he is like Grouchy Smurf !
He just complain about everything in Equestrian culture ! At the beginning that was kind of cute. But now, I praise Luna for her patience and self control.
I just want Talon to grab the chimp and shake him like hell while yelling : "Primate Thomas, I'm gonna give you three seconds; exactly three fucking seconds to pop out of your stupid shell or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you! ONE, TWO, THREE !!"
That would be a great relief for me. 8D
I'm also saying that because Thomas' grouchyness eat up like 35% of each chapters he's in. D'X
I guess Thomas is supposed to be the main character, but I am more interested by the development of Moonlight, Talon, or even Celestia than his ! Buck, I'm even more interested by the lady batpony's personnality than Thomas' !
I'll resume it plain and simple : Thomas! You are in this fiction what Bella is in Twilight! A bitch that is never content, but that is surrounded by people caring for you anyway and nobody knows why !!
But anyway, forgive me for that little outburst. I'm sorry, it is a personnal feeling not fiting for any objective advice on that fiction. I still grandly appreciate the author's work and you all should as well. That thing with Thomas just had to get out of my system.
I mean... Any brony would trade situations with that bastard anytime ! And would be glad saying yes to all of Luna's wanting. Even if she want some futa butt-buck.
I'm sure she would be gentle... *cough*
Anyway !...
I cannot wait to read the next chapter and see how things will progress with talon as a marriage counselor, Moonlight trying to figure out how to confess her feelings to Thomas (give them booze), Luna trying to better communicate with Thomas, and Thomas... Thomas... Thomas stoping complaining and starting to accept equestrian culture as it is instead of staying stuck into his rock hard shell ?
I mean, ok I have a problem with Thomas ! But the fic is good for everything else to me !
And I bet there is people who appreciate Thomas as well !...
Another instance Thomas and his odd passive magic. Gonna bug me pretty good until we find out just what that tingling he keeps experiencing is.
6775720 well instead of using his knowledge to make one person rich like horo did he'd be using for the greater good. Also the sheer fact hes male and a human instead the female magical being.
Hmm, a 50 cal flying at around 900 meters a second makes most weapons obsolete.
6775879 Logical
6776000 Has he really complained that much outside his head? Because I think we've all thought less than complimentary things about our surroundings.
That said, the next few chapters are already written, but I'll take your suggestions under consideration.
6776045 That's what I hope for
6776097 Ah. Well the basic idea of a free market is to get rich by getting others rich along the way, so we'll see.
6776000
This! This right here! I believe the audience has gotten it by now that Thomas has hang ups over the cultural gap. However, I, too, believe that even he should be progressing to more acceptance and fitting in than constantly being contrary. Or, at the very least, begin to communicate his reservations more clearly so the gap can begin to close more thoroughly. Luna, Moonlight, and Talon all seem eager to connect to him on a level other than just simply physical all the time (but even then, sexy time can be fun time), but they are stymied at every turn cuz Tomboy here can't get past himself and Spit. It. Out!
Love this story. Will keep reading it. But seriously, Tom needs a kick in the pants or something.
unfortunately i have to say this versed in medieval combat as i am...You know a katana is almost useless against plate armor Right?
:Thart was a awesomde read ,Tohmas has really come out of his shall .And and Moonlight are getting closer to finlly realizeing how much they care for each other,He also has been thinking about spendind some time with Twikight.
6775718
It's easy, just think of what would Talon do after Thomas takes her to a gun store/gun range.
Or even better, what she do after seeing a human action movie.
/)(\ I would show her Tank Girl. /)(\
6776842 Well it's a good thing he got a wooden sword instead.
6776000
I actually agree with this comment, and I'll explain why. Holy shit, I can actually put the time I read that abomination to some good use (yes it really is as bad as is stated). Bella in her narration often bitches about stuff and looks down on people, or is unhappy, but doesn't tend to explicitly state it.
Thomas is actually kind of an unlikeable and irritating protagonist. He constantly complains internally, laments cultural misunderstandings, but he never makes any real attempt to communicate properly. He gets dealt a bad hand, but half his issues are because he does nothing to fix them himself. Even when he makes things worse, he doesn't take any action and seems to expect a solution to be handed to him on a silver platter.
He seems flat out a social retard, with a personality that seems almost a blank slate. And by "social retard", I mean that such a person would be pretty much dysfunctional in a human society, let alone a foreign one. Nearly 140K words into the story and I'm struggling to think of any real characterisation beyond "meek", "passive", and variants thereof. Compare that to Tali, where I could say how she's headstrong, loyal, feisty, flirtatious, blunt, and at times unabashedly perverted; I didn't even have to try to come up with all those descriptions. Tali and Moonlight seem far more interesting characters, so clearly you have the ability to come up with them. I'm not sure why you haven't been able to do that for the protagonist.
Half the population inexplicably seems to want his dick or to be friends with him. Personality-wise, I can't begin to imagine why. In the real world if you acted like that then people wouldn't want to be your friend because they wouldn't enjoy spending time with you.
I have this set to track because I see some interesting elements in the story; I wouldn't bother reading otherwise. But I seem to find myself reading more for other characters than Thomas, and I do find myself asking at the end of each chapter why I continue to read when he irritates the hell out of me.
6776513 I'm glad to see that I am not so much alone. X)
But it is also true that, anyway, that this fic is worth reading.
6777908 Ah ! Thank you for sharpening my thoughts. You have greater analysis than myself, and I think it is a good one.
6776469 Thanks for your consideration, but don't let this influences you to much anyway. I am sure you have planned some Thomas' development.
6777908 Excellent analysis of someone with both depression and Aspergers. I'm certain both are conditions a person can just get over if they work hard enough.
6777979 Since so many people seem to hate the character, who has Aspergers and depression, I'm willing to just post what's already written and cancel if that would appease you. Or perhaps I should cut down on production for a while in favor of going back and editing past chapters.
6778681
If you're going to flippantly dismiss constructive criticism, then there's not much point in myself or anyone else commenting.
6778855 So you agree that depression is a thing you can get over. Glad we agree, though saying a character is like Bella Swan is more of a flat insult than any kind of constructive. In any case, I'm cutting down on posting to give each chapter more refinement. You're welcome.
6778924 Don't alter your fiction for that. It was a personal and subjective statement. I mean I am french, it is normal for me to complain about things.
In every things we love there is a tiny bit we can't stand. I personally don't like the CMC in MLP because I find that they are so much predictable that watching their episodes is a waste of time. I also don't like Daring Do because she is nothing more than a living pop culture reference. And Applejack bore me to death because her only function is to be southern.
But hey, I'm still a fan of MLP.
6779030 Too late. Journal's posted. But you and the others were right. I think my error was basing the character too much on myself. And I am, as one pointed out, socially retarded. I admit it. As such, I will be going back and amending what I can.
6778924
Do you enjoy putting words in peoples' mouths, rather than reading what they wrote? I never said what you've claimed I've said.
You can make your protagonist someone who has Asperger's as much as you want. Or depressed as much as you want. The fact remains is that you as an author have got to justify why so many people want to be friends with him (and more), why the princess wants to bone him constantly, and so on. If you see the weird loner kid in class, you don't have 50 people wanting to befriend him, and the 10 hottest girls in the school looking to get into his pants. The Bella Swann comparison is apt because of Bella's author-assisted ability to magnetise all characters around her, when she's dull, and at times repulsive; no one would be friends with such a person, or go out their way to help or include this person. You have to justify why this is the case instead of just because.
He displays a marked lack of characterization for a protagonist, and that's to me as the reader where I get to read his inner monologue. He doesn't come across as some deep and complicated man who struggles to express his thoughts. There's no rich characterisation where he has an extensive list of strengths and flaws which balance out. We're told (not shown) that he's good at telling stories, but there hasn't been any real evidence of that. ~140K words and how has he developed? For the most part he's exactly the same as he was when he started. As I stated, a person who acts like Thomas would be completely non functional.
You're taking an opinion of the protagonist as a personal attack on yourself, rather than your own writing. Neither of these are good (nor the intent), but the former is worse.
I like this chapter. It was great to see Luna, Talon, and Moonlight all be supportive of Thomas. When Thomas started feeling better from their support it was really up lifting. It showed progress between the relationship between all of them. It was good to see.
I also liked how Thomas got the wood sword. I know it is early but fast forward to when he has to use it in combat, all he is going to do is bruise somebody. Maybe brake a bone at worse. If he had a metal sword and he could potentially kill somebody. If he would actually kill somebody, it would only fuel his depression.
Overall this was a great update. It really gives the feel that the 4 of them are getting closer together. Cannot wait for the next update.
6779821 My journal shows my agreeing with you. I'm a shit writer of a shit character and I'm working to improve upon it. I even admitted to someone else that the problem for the character most likely stems from being too based on me, someone who is socially retarded and has no likable qualities outside the net. So you'll understand why I took it personally. Also, if the story is indeed so shit, like we both agree, I'm here saying Horse People Go Naked is pretty shit, why do you bother?
6780017 Nice to hear some people actually liking this.
!!!!RANT WARNING!!!!
why a bokken? its a damn stick. if ya gonna get eastern weapon like almost everyone in any fandom at least get one that really works.really whats wrong with eastern weapons? a long sword, a mace, a rapier, whats with obsession with katana's? hell why not a Dao or some other Chinese weapon yes katana are very nice but there are other nice weapons too.
!!!!RANT WARNING!!!!
i liked this chapter.....mostly
6780383 I may be one of the few actually commenting it, but there are a lot of people who like your story. Don't forget you got 593 up votes at the moment. That means that there are 593 people who like your story. That is a lot of people.
6780694 Small things hold a lot of potential.
6780746 You have no proof that people don't do that out of pity.
6781254 i get what your saying but still....i don't like. still a good story though
6781299 You actually don't see. It's a lot more interesting than you might expect.