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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is exactly like every other human-in-Equestria story ever. No originality whatsoever here.
6031317 Any constructive criticism or something of value?
6031317 I think it is meant to be
am liking this so far
6032651 Appreciated.
Pretty good start
At last, a New Human Harem story! There's been a surprising shortage of them as of late, and it's good to see at least one story sprout in these last few months.
6032733 Thank you.
6032753 Hopefully mine will be worth the wait.
Nice chapter. I didn't expect Celestia to have such varied tastes in bedmates or that concubines/prostitutes are an accepted job in Equestria. Hope to see more of this story and maybe a little bit of interaction between Thomas and some of the harem staff.
6033045 That's what I'm hoping for too.
6032857 ignore MythrilMoth, he's just a prick that thinks he runs this site
Nice worldbuilding, but it feels like the chapter ended abrupbtly
Looking good so far, can't wait to read more.
I know this is just the introduction of the world so far, I hope that the next chapters will have more worlds in them so that way the story will be more detailled and it will not look like it is something rushed.
Keep up the good work
Ps: I really like the shy personality of the main character.
6035154 Appreciated
6035366 Sadly, I agree. I'm still fairly new to this kind of story and this site, so I'm bound to stumble a bit in these first few tries.
6035551 Shy? Really? I would have said meek. Naturally he's a bit intimidated about being around large and sexy anthro ponies all day, especially the goddess with whom he shares a bed, but I think the last part does a lot to erase one's shyness.
6035637 Thanks
It was an exceptionally large woman with dark violent skin wearing an even darker dress.
Should be "violet".
6035799 Thanks for the catch.
6037396
This story remind of a artwork of a artist that goes by the name "BGN". Have you seen some of his artwork and the artist even gave the pic a backstory about a male human named Thomas(Wow, that is some coincidence that your main character having the same name that the artist also thought up) but the only differents from your story is in his the human becomes a Royal Guard and the mate of Prince Blueblood. You can find the pic on Derpibooru by searching these words "oc:Thomas,Prince blueblood" you will find the pic and here the backstory that artist wrote:
And with that out of the way so the anthro ponies looks like the pics of BGN?(you can find the ref I'm talking about by searching these words on derpibooru "flash sentry,artist:bgn,armor" you will find it and same about the Royal Guard's armor. Or you want I can just pm you the pics.
6038002 I imagine there is a fan approved standard for how pony anthros look. I'm looking at a few in the recommendations for similar stories right now. So I think it's safe to say everyone should know what these anthro ponies look like without much description.
Excellent I look forward to more
6043472 As do I.
6038277
So there gonna be other stories similar this story and maybe some base on BGN's artworks like this (to find the full version of it on Derpibooru)? Because I was waiting for a story that is base on his arts of anthro pones with feet not hooves. And I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of Celestia's harem. And if you want I can pm you some interesting stories ideas.
6045641 Um... seems like you're making a lot of assumptions. My anthro ponies aren't based on any particular artwork, but the general image I've seen from multiple artists. My anthros also have hooves, at least for the moment. If you'd like, send me a link to this guy and I'll check out his work. Also, I'm always open to suggestions.
The sex scene was nice, but what I really liked was Luna and Thomas' interaction along with the maids characterization. It was a great chapter.
6053526 Good to hear, cause there's going to be a lot more of that than the other.
I really like the interaction. If the story is gripping enough, the clop is secondary, sometimes unnecessary. I will keep following to see how things progress.
6053788 A reassuring sentiment. Thank you.
LONGER CHAPTERS!!!
Good characters. And exceptional dialogue that flows together well. Keep up the good work!
Only reason I clicked on this was because My name actually is Thomas. But now I'm glad I read it.
This might answer the question!
6055129 I'll see about more in the future.
6055935 Appreciated.
6056624 I'm really getting the hang of dialogue.
6056673 I promise to make the next few chapters as awkward for him as possible, just for you.
6056804 So basically it's the magic of pony names combined with playground shenanigans... I suppose I can accept this.
I like it.
By the way, you might get a better reaction promising to credit Patreon backers at the end of chapters and including a link there instead of linking to it in the description
Not that you're wrong, but you seem to have slipped into 2nd-person here.
6060677 Thanks for the catch.
Luna teasing Thomas is sweet and funny.
6069641 Appreciated
Ya needa work on your Luna.
*if we work thee too hard*
"Thou" is to "I" as "Thee" is to "Me"
*thy royal duties to serve thy princess*
Only use "thine" as a 2nd person singular for "mine" or if the noun after it starts with a vowel. The thing is mine, the thing is thine. It is my thing; it is thy thing. The thing is mine own; the thing is thine own. (This smooths out the transition between words, the same way we use 'a' and 'an'.
Wouldst thou prefer royal consort?
Everything in the 2nd person singular is conjugated with -st at the end-- with a few exceptions.
And we love the way thou lov'st [or thou lovest]
Might as well be consistent.
Thou hast said that thou hast
And thou did'st
upon thy lips // that thy lips
*art
thyself // thou canst trust
thy day off
'tis as thou saidst earler // to begin thy first day
We want thee fully recharged then thou returnest
I took a language class or two, then my English teacher taught us the mechanics of Shakespeare
Ermegerd erm serch er nerd!
6070891 Holy crap. Thank you so much. When I say I love constructive criticism, this right here is what I want to see. I know I have room for improvement and I really appreciate those who point out flaws like this. Since this is a new form of grammar, I might not learn it all at once, so I'd appreciate if you could be patient with me in future chapters.
Question: Is this story suppose to be in first-person or third-person?
6072834 It's supposed to be third, but it seems to want to keep slipping into first. I'd be grateful if you pointed out any issues.
Humans don't work that way to be honest. Thomas might just stick with Luna even if she wants him to go with so many other mares.