- Member Since 15th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 28th, 2018
Dudeler
Just a guy that does whatever comes to mind. Giving the D, trolling, cockblocking, and laughing maniacally may apply.
Dudeler
Joined 15th Jan, 2014 ·
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Got a couple things to say. First off, Ozzy doesn't want to take advantage of Fleur, but he's fine with her ordering them both wine? Do you know how expensive wine can be? At a restaurant like that it's probably 1847 elitist florgashorbian wine that's more than 1000 dollars a bottle! (Kidding about the year/name, but I'm serious about the price) That aside, I also don't see where the story is supposed to go after this. Seems to me like a "And then Ozzy lived happily ever after watching Fleur act sexy, The End." What's there to do after this chapter?
A couple grammatical errors, but once again nothing serious.
Wait... since I was on the page for C1, I didn't realize there were other chapters. I'll look at them when I can (which isn't right now unfortunately) and tell you if it seems the story goes nowhere.
4755049 There's more to come. As for the wine, well if Fleur wanted to have wine, what right does Ozzy have for denying it? Let alone choosing what kind? I can send the links to the other two chapters I have on here whenever you're ready. I'm stopping at chapter 3 for now to not only work on my other story, but wait to see whether or not writing any more of this is worth it. Besides, I didn't want to make this story go THAT easily if that's what you're expecting. Oh no, for a human in a society of upper class ponies? There are conflicts just BEGGING to be made.
I'm glad you noticed how strangely kind Fleur was treating Ozzy, and you did manage to turn it into an entertaining, if eye-rollingly cheesy, scene. However, when you find a strange character behavior or plothole in something you write, you have two choices. You either have to really carry it though (Fleur being very generous to anyone she meets in the hopes that they'd be her friend until she realizes that material gain is not a way to earn friends and then there's a big group hug or something) or change it before release. Other than that, not much was worth bringing up in this chapter.
Once again, not much to say in terms of story, but there's one thing that I'm going to make a big deal out of even though I really don't have to; how could there be a law aginst not hiring a certain gender or race? If someone refuses to hire you, regardless of their reasons, they would just say that they felt the other person would be a better employee, and what is there to say in reply? Really, as long as any form of "ism" exists, that's going to happen, and there's really nothing that can be done about it.
Oh, and one other thing; an anthro story should include an Anthro Fleur in the cover art.
4760304 It's because of discrimination like that in gender, race, religion, age, and sexuality in the workplace that these laws exist today. These laws were enforced in the states (some may not have them made yet for reasons I still don't understand) to promote equality, and not only have employers that follow these laws, but I'm sure such discrimination would bring bad reputation to their businesses depending on the demographic they're insulting. At least that's my take on it.
I know I need a pic of Anthro Fleur in the cover art, but most pics I found of her were displayed as... Suggestive pinups. I'm thinking about finding someone to commission it, or draw it myself once I improve my drawing skills to put up on the site. Until then, the pic I have up will have to do.
Gotta say, looking forward to seeing how this goes
That, or the princesses don't want any change in their society.
I think Shinny likes him, he really start with the right foot with her
4760571 Yes, the laws do exist, but how is one supposed to enforce them? It's difficult for the law to say when someone is guilty of discrimination, even when it's obvious just by looking.
If it was me.
*shiny glares*
i.mycommentspace.com/14/1476.jpg
4761976
VIVA LA REVOLUTION
4762060
That baby looks like Dolan :D
4760304
If xou had read the description he said the cover art was only a place holder
This looks promising. Can't wait to get started!
4762207 FOR FREEDOM AND CHANGE!
4762330 Fun fact: I'm the prereader and Dudeler chose to add that after I pointed it out.
this is actually the first HiE and anthro story... I think. keep up the good work
4762512 This is your first HiE story? I'm quite honored.
4762525 yep the first.
Oh boy Ozzy is going for some heavy interview when they reach the first destination, it will be a weird headline too 'Local hero is rewarded by becoming the well know super star Fleur de Lis, right hand'
Also OH boy, is he will had to see her naked in more than one occasion? well he can work a deal with Shinny too and while he sit next to the director she can put a bandana over his eyes or something by his request, that way he could respect her privacy and make things…less awkward
That's a nope. I'm quite certain that etc. is shorthand and is only supposed to be used in notes, lists, and such, not in literature. Et cetera or etcetera are the correct versions, I think. Nevertheless, I'm nearly 77% certain that abbreviations aren't supposed to be used in literature. That's 70% more certain than I usually am.
Well Dudeler, you have outdone yourself with this story so far. Coming off the first chapter and I'm already in love with it! Keep up the good work friend!
4762858 Huh, I did not know that. I'll have to make that change then. Thanks!
I'm enjoying the story so far. I can't quite say i'm for it or against it yet, however. My concern stems from how nice and generous Fleur is being compared to all the other ponies as of yet. I don't know; the lack of conflict coming from that corner just puts me off a bit. Guess we'll just have to see where the story takes us, in any case.
I'll be favoriting as well. Buona fortuna with future chapters, Dude.
This got better as it went along but you have a problem with consistency in tense. Most of your story is in past tense but in the beginning part there are numerous parts where you go into present tense instead of past as is appropriate. The worst is that sometimes you do it in the same sentence you have the past tense and, although there are reasons to have two separate sentences in different tenses, such as dialogue, the same sentence should never have tense disagreement.
this is cool keep it up
Can't wait for the next chapter. Keep up the good work!
Really liked this fic. Can't wait for more
YES! YES! A new HiE Fleur fic!
I'm putting this on my favorites bar so I won't forget about it and reading it the moment I have time.
Surely Earth cannot be all terrible.
Indeed, the general state of things isn't exactly idealistic in comparison to Equestria, but there are good things here to be had as well.
Her name is Fleur Dis Lee, not Fleur De Lis
Granted, we've got people calling Derpy 'Ditzy', so who am I to harp on about names...
Great story
Hey look at that: featured on the front page! Congratz!
4764818
from the same link
her mark is Fleur-de-lis and as such the name should be it
4765326
4764818
Eh, I don't think it matters. To each their own I always say. Personally, I like Fleur de Lis better because it sounds better off the tongue, plus it's actually french for lilies, or "Flower of Lily" if we want to translate it fully.
4765326
Kinda like a lot of other background ponies, actually, bur yeah, to each their own
Not a fan of "Dis Lee" anyway, looks strange and doesn't roll off the tongue as neatly as "De lis"
At least she's not called Fluffle Dis Puff or something
4765466 I'm good, now go back to work... i want to see how his first day plays out
4760571 Really? All you could find was pictures of sexual nature? I got bored and didn't want to comb through more pictures. Nevertheless, you can find more if you look harder.
I'm liking this. Look forward to what happens next. Hang in there, Ozzy.
I enjoyed this a lot more than I thought I would. At first I thought this was just going to be another clopfic (not that there's anything wrong with that, but they do get boring sometimes), instead I foumd a well written romance that is based on the bonds of friendship forged between the two main characters. To me, that makes this a story unique and worth following. Just my opinion :) Cannot wait for an update!
4766194 Thanks for your input. For me, clop fics with an actual plot line is worth a better read than those that just go straight into it. It just seems fake and yes, it gets boring after a while. I want to see character and relationship development forged from bonding, and possibly handling conflicts if I know how to end it well. It makes having the sex all the much more rewarding, and real compared to a smutty story about a patient receiving 'special treatment' from Nurse Redheart or something of the like.
I'm liking what I'm seeing so far.
She seemed to be surprised as she still kept staring at me before she looked at the food on her plate. “Um… Thank you,” she said before she prepared a mug of hot water to ferment some tea. Fleur then grabbed a seat on one of the stools in front of the kitchen counter. It was big enough to make a small table, probably for some mornings when she didn’t have time to enjoy a bigger breakfast than what I had made, or when she wasn’t expecting any guests. She took a fork and knife to cut a piece of the omelet as I prepared my own by drizzling some ketchup on top while I waited for my own tea to ferment in the mug. Fleur took a bite of hers, and after a moment of chewing her eyes widened in shock once more before she swallowed. “Goodness, this is very delicious,” she praised.
Tea doesn't 'ferment'. Tea steeps, it brews, but it doesn't ferment. Beer ferments, wine ferments.
4766656 Fixed. Thank you for pointing it out. I remembered from a class lecture about how long tea 'ferments' (or oxidizing) before brewing affects the flavor and taste, and I guess I mixed the terms up.
I was looking forward for this...but when I decided to read it by whim, I lost my appetite for it. Home of some of the most cliché and least thought out measures by way of 'government processes', I find the initial paragraphs to be veritably unlikeable.
Despite the poor excuses offered for the Newton's second law of 'Sudden-portals Antro-Equi-Earth', I award you points for trying to make the protagonist as normal as possible. The only thing is that his reactions are only as interesting to read about as are the of 'watching paint dry', 'observing the movements of a sloth', or 'tediously reading about a dry and empty character of unfeasible luck/worth/happenstance'.
The wine scene foreshadowing Murphy's eventual fuck-ups is the only thing in the chapter I liked, and barely so at that. So, while you have about 5,000 wasted words, 500 actually were nice.
I honestly doubt anyone takes this seriously, but 'Protagonist enters Equestria, meets X, and they fall in love' stories are the most boring, asinine waste of cliché on this site. For the while, I actually thought this might have been about the secretarial duties of a modeling agent, but I can't even hope anymore. I actually thought you had something here, but the intro speaks otherwise.
I wish you luck in continuing this, but I can't read any more.
Good Day.
4767317 Well I'm thankful you gave this story a shot at least. Sorry this wasn't to your expectations. Hope you have a good day as well.
4767347 No problem. I always at least try to read the first chapter before I post a review.
I'm actually not even interested in the eventual clop. I'm far more interested in the day-to-day struggles of his secretarial duties while trying to build and maintain a friendship with his employers.
This seems like a story in which you could easily change the rating to Teen and omit the smut altogether, opting instead to post those chapter(s) as an entirely separate, Mature-rated story.
I'm now addicted, please supply me with story crack!
Would not surprise me in the least if that was her real middle name, what with the way she and her sisters act.
4767740 Yeah, I swear, she's like the biggest attention whore right now, and that's all I know about her. At first I heard she was known for her 'perfect body,' but she's gone through so many eating binges and extreme diets, it's a wonder how she's still so popular today.
I think shinning star is a little bit like the woman in this "SCRUBS" scene. Men prepare to cringe.