Kerberos
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I like this.
hope the next chapter comes out soon.
oohhhh that was nice....fav'd and I'll be waiting for more.
Wow very good can you make it so that later on he stills holds hatred for the ponies so he just pretends to be kind so later he can stap them in the back
Well, I'm glad to see it here!
I'm not really a fan of this "Anon" storie's because I cant really make a connection with the protagonist. But I think it's a good story and I look for more in the future.
I have not seen this kind of concept yet.... I want to see where this goes!
I would recommend with whole heartedness that the comma be replaced with a semi-colon: ---------> ;
Now in terms of grammar it would make more sense to remove the 'that' however it is still acceptable for it's use. It's just compare the two sentences out loud, and see which one you prefer. I just go on what's correct in grammar terms, but you choose whatever you like.:twilight sheepish:
*Sigh* I was dreading this. This is what is known as a 'fragment' these are the most despicable things to ever happen to the english language and I loathe them. You see it's just a small piece of information on it's one with little context if read without any.
Now the orange is just a change I would make in order to be rid of this fragment.
Another grammatically correct term unfortunately. Merely change this to 'cause' that is all. If you say it out loud it still makes sense doesn't it? Don't fret, this is a common mistake, it happens to the best of us.
I really hate fragments.Now I'd recumbent changing that full stop that separates 'This is it' and 'The life or death moment' to a colon. Like this: Hello! Simple change and removes fragment, everyone's happy.
Simple spelling/grammer error. Change to 'breathe'
Floodgates is one word! Who'd a thought! No one, that's who!
Place a comma between these two, okay? Otherwise it is just a repeated word, not an actual piece of the sentence.
Alleyway is actually one word. Sorry.
Change to 'tells' otherwise it is not what occurred, it is an order, meaning you'd have to change 'your' to 'you're'
Um… I think you meant 'feels' Right?
Final error. Simply change to 'and'
I can honestly say I liked this… quite a lot.Not many fics have you in the POV of a child and it is very nice to see refreshing new POV for a change. I liked how quickly your character warms up to Celestia, very nice. I also eagerly await the next chapters. A definite 9/10 (Which it only gets because I prefer first or third person stories. So consider it a 10, okay?
Could of been more creative with the name of the human
Otherwise this seems interesting
Just when I thought I saw every variant of a HIE...
Please, do go on.
Good stuff! I want more.
hmm I like this
But id like it if you added some more detail to the surroundings and emotions.
i'm intrested in where you're going with this, so i'll fave it for now.
allthough we haven't read much of the story yet, i think this story could be much better without the sex tag; because not all romance stories need one.
4408455 anonXtia '_' i bet
4407858 I will take a look at that when I get the chance. Thank you
that....was ......awesome
*Grabs shotgun* "OKAY YOU HEARTLESS PONY BASTARDS TIME TO DIE!" Also fav.
I like the concept of the story, I think I've only seen one other like it and I'm interested to see where this one will go, its not a bad first chapter but I wouldn't say its a good one either. There are a few things that are holding this chapter back, at least for me.
Something I found out of place is the guards are ashamed of having friends and family where Anon lack's both of those, not that they almost killed and innocent 'creature'. It's also difficult to believe that Anon could survive more than 2 months living on the streets if the beatings and such occur, not to mention the lack of protein he would have access too.
Why does Luna speak in ye old English and everyone else in modern English? Strange that a filly would speak in something that can be considered another language,
Can you please clarify how old Celestia is? When Celestia said "W-Why are you s-so mean." it sounded like something an 8 to 10 year old would say, this is supported by the quote "this little filly", but when she said "Do you have any idea on how that makes me feel? Knowing ponies could be so heartless." I would place her more in her mid to late teens.
How would a homeless kid receive a letter about an offer to join a circus? If its the case where a pony hands him the letter what is the point of the letter in the first place if said pony can simply tell Anon about the offer.
How have the King and Queen not heard of Anon? One would think they would be informed of an unknown species in their capital city, and that's disregarding the fact magic seems to have no effect on him.
ThatFriendlyGuy has already pointed out all the spelling and grammatical errors I could see and some I didn't so I won't go through that.
As I said before not a bad chapter but not good either, until I see some improvement I'm going to hold off my like for the story. I hope this helps in some way or another and I hope I can put my like up there soon. Can't wait to read more.
Sincerely,
TheMagicalBrony
This poor kid is only 10 years old! I hope he finds an adequate home soon or he isn't going to last very long on his own!
I enjoyed reading this. I urge you to continue this story, my friend.
4408874 Alright. Let me answer some of your questions/concerns
My thinking is was along the lines of, if you knew someone who lost everything while you were able to still live happily, would you not feel bad. It isn't about them being ashamed for having family, just sad about the other person's loss.
There are a lot of kids that live on the street... more than we are care to talk about. Yet, they still get along and adapt.
I just threw it in for giggles.
She is one year older than Anon and Luna is one year younger.
I got nothin' besides preference of communication.
That is up to the reader. I have not thought that deep in the story to be honest.
I hope I will be able to get you to press that green thumb. Thanks.
Please. Please, continue this!
Also,
Umm, Solaris is actually a common name for Rule 63 Celestia. Just Saiyan.
americanfootballinternational.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/IT.jpg
This kid's an idiot
4409389
You posted on my story. I feel so honored!
4409393
It's a good premise, I haven't seen one like it in a while.
But, despite being scared, this kid is a bloody muppet. And it befuddles me as to why he didn't even say so much as "Hello".
Hmm, I'll be waiting for an update. I rarely judge on the first chapter, so here's hoping it captures my interest
I understand him being afraid now, because he is young and has had awful experiences. But I do hope you don't overdo the amount he fears the ponies. As he gets older, fear would turn more and more into hatred. And a teenage or adult human that is immune to magic can be a very violent and very powerful fighter in the pony world.
I do like the fact that he started here young not many fics I know of follow that concept. And I do think you characterized Celestia correctly, can't say for Luna because I haven't seen enough of her.
Overall a nice fic so far, I look forward to more!
This is great, i am really enjoying the story. Keep it up!
Keep it up,great story for now!
Dawww, so nice. She should probably tell him to take a some though, I'm sure someone would notice. A job hmm. I could see it.
Cute
Celestia gonna lose something C:
GOD ITS SO GOOD
Great Story. Please more!
But now the questions raise:
Will this play in the "past" from the show?
Or will something happen to bring him in the "present" time of the show, where he will maybe meet Twilight and her friends?
Maybe he gets turned into stone by mistake and has to wait for a thousand years?
Or is even with Luna together banished to the moon? He could have helped Celestia by holding Nightmare Moon in place till the elements ready.
Hmmmm I guess Anon forgot that his probably very dirty from living in a dump for so long.
4410435 ooh, I like how you think!
Dawwwww.
[youtube=m.youtube.com/watch?v=kIfOjkB17BA] nice
Loving this so far, keep it up!
I give it ten mustaches.
4410462 You don't want to know how I think... believe me, even I fear sometimes from my own thoughts.
Another idea I had is: He will become Discord. Maybe by a failed spell from Celestia how wants to keep him (After some years of them dating and... other... things...
) and had to use forbidden magic for that. CHAOS MAGIC!
To prevent him from death, the magic had to change his body.
The first years where all good. But then the Chaos Magic gets more and more control over his mind and he gets more and more... random.
Until he becomes a danger for Celestias citizen and she and her Sister have to prison him in stone.
He could even be Sombra with a similar story.
i give it ten yay's so far
So...this is set in the past, right?
No chance of Anon somehow surviving 1000 years unless discord gets involved then, huh?
Hmmm...not the most sophisticated story I've ever seen but I'd really like to see where this goes. My advice would be to watch your pacing (which hasn't been too bad thus far) and consider using more contractions when writing dialogue. It'll make those bits sound a little less robotic and sound better overall. Anyhoo, I'll fave and like this because you've intrigued my curiosity and I'd love to see your writing improve and evolve over the course of this story.
I think you should add the "Alternate Universe" tag.
4410556 The idea of him being imprisoned on the moon is a really good one, but would he be alone or able to interact with nightmare moon? And will she be angry/violent towards him? Will it be 1000 years of fighting for his life?
4410845
4410862 Oh don't worry. I will warn you guys.
I'd recommend changing this to 'was' instead of keeping it as is. Other wise you would have to make 'all alone' into 'all-alone'
Lunch time is actually one word. I know right? Who'd of thought it.
Now despite the language being archaic, use of the word 'is' is incorrect, you should make it into a 'are'
I'd recommend changing the sentence structure just a little. I'd change it into this:
It makes more sense like this.
Same problem as before, just an odd sentence structure. Here's a more sensical version:
Same as before.
Change into a capital letter.
Make into a capital also.
Now I'd recommend changing it to this:
Just remove this capital letter. Then it's all good.
Place an 'and' here.
These are two are actually separate words, regardless of he contact.
Add a 'do' here, removing the 'are' from before 'really'
These are two separate words.
Change to:
Just a space here.
Add a comma between these two words.
And the work is chapleted and finished. I only have one gripe with this fiction and its the seemingly unorganised writing structure. So instead of just colouring text when a character is speaking, just try to specify what character is speaking in the fiction instead, even if it just a small snippet of text. That's all.
I really want to like this fiction, I really, really do. But I'm just not adapted to the second person and lack of connectivity tot he character. I do like the premise, just not the character I'm supposed to be. I'm so very sorry for this outlook, I really am. Regardless, I hope to succeed in all future works.
Great chapter, keep it up mate.
4410798 It's not say Luna was with her body there. Luna and Anon maybe were turned into energy and the Moon was holding this energy.