Ozzy Shore, one of the first human settlers in Equestria, starts his new life as Fleur de Lis' new secretary. How will he handle difficult obstacles like his close-minded manager, and living under Canterlot's uptight, social norms?
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Got a couple things to say. First off, Ozzy doesn't want to take advantage of Fleur, but he's fine with her ordering them both wine? Do you know how expensive wine can be? At a restaurant like that it's probably 1847 elitist florgashorbian wine that's more than 1000 dollars a bottle! (Kidding about the year/name, but I'm serious about the price) That aside, I also don't see where the story is supposed to go after this. Seems to me like a "And then Ozzy lived happily ever after watching Fleur act sexy, The End." What's there to do after this chapter?
A couple grammatical errors, but once again nothing serious.
Wait... since I was on the page for C1, I didn't realize there were other chapters. I'll look at them when I can (which isn't right now unfortunately) and tell you if it seems the story goes nowhere.
4755049 There's more to come. As for the wine, well if Fleur wanted to have wine, what right does Ozzy have for denying it? Let alone choosing what kind? I can send the links to the other two chapters I have on here whenever you're ready. I'm stopping at chapter 3 for now to not only work on my other story, but wait to see whether or not writing any more of this is worth it. Besides, I didn't want to make this story go THAT easily if that's what you're expecting. Oh no, for a human in a society of upper class ponies? There are conflicts just BEGGING to be made.
That, or the princesses don't want any change in their society.
4761976
VIVA LA REVOLUTION
Well Dudeler, you have outdone yourself with this story so far. Coming off the first chapter and I'm already in love with it! Keep up the good work friend!
This got better as it went along but you have a problem with consistency in tense. Most of your story is in past tense but in the beginning part there are numerous parts where you go into present tense instead of past as is appropriate. The worst is that sometimes you do it in the same sentence you have the past tense and, although there are reasons to have two separate sentences in different tenses, such as dialogue, the same sentence should never have tense disagreement.
Not bad, not bad at all. Liking the idea and scenario, even though it's pretty clear how this is gonna play out, which isn't a problem in this case. Have a like and fave!
My one extreme like about this story is that not every mare is a whore trying to get into a human's pants. It actually has back story, a plot, theme, and despite the constantly changing tenses, the writing is great. This story could grow to a beautiful thing, if you continue as it is. And you don't just make it mindless clop, or 'heat of the moment' sex.
She liiiiiikes hiiiiiiiim!
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100831093115/fairytail/images/e/ee/You_like_him.jpg
As a side note from what I read, I have these proposals as your new cover:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/3/7/568357__solo_anthro_solo+female_suggestive_clothes_fleur-dash-de-dash-lis_artist-colon-blumagpie.jpeg
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/8/7/393761__safe_solo_anthro_solo+female_clothes_edit_dress_stockings_artist-colon-kloudmutt_fleur-dash-de-dash-lis.png
Here's a link to both of them:
pic1
pic2
And as a last note I'd like to say, good start so far!
Okay, for me the problem is that you are cramming everything about your world, literally cramming it in the first 5 paragraph. As if the reader would take the wrong idea about your world. Then using a monologue to convince us that " Yes, it's great. This is a nice world. Isn't it nice how the world goverment accepted them instantly and there is no drugs, weapons or illegal immigrants" .
It's annoying.
You don't need to rush thins over, we are not going to stop reading (it if it's a good work) your worldbuilding or we need to know the moral of your character as if you were reading a character sheet of a DnD session. Take for example " My(stara's) Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring". In here everything is more or less explained as a monologue, but Marcus take his time to explain his immediate situation first, then througth the story he unvail how different the world of Mystara know that they have the ponies, in the form of experience and humorous quips.
I mean, you need to point out that the ponies are anthro. Why would he need to mention this? He is watching them and dealigng for months at least. Is like thinking "And they were canadian, who were just like a normal human, but with beards and flanel jackets and polite mapple instead of blood". What person thinks for himself like that. It's obvious that he is explaining this to the reader, as if a class, and this explanation is more in line with fifth graders than young adults, adults or fantays readers.
Be mora natural, gradual, dont punch the reader with the encyclopedia of your world, let it flow throught the actions, interaction and reactions of your characters.
Having a human use any pony or every pony is stupid especially if everyone in a conversation isn't a pony.
4880321 aye
4803442
Happy get out
No
There's fish outside
FISH
5216903 Where is happy?! Bring him to me!
Now to see if Fleur breaks the vapid, vacuous stereotype that gets assigned to models. Yes, they are selling their bodies and good looks, but that doesn't make them stupid or unintelligent. It's a peeve of mine with certain Fleur stories. But, seeing as this is only chapter one, I'll continue reading to see if your Fleur falls into the model stereotype or not.
You info dumped this chapter way too much, You had Oz explain his entire life story and Fluer took pity on him. Fine but you could have done it differently instead of an entire life story have him summarize what happened to him. You crammed too much into one chapter. Still this sounds like an okay story so I'll give it another chance.
Oooohh~ I like this one, very much, I do...
looking back on this now, It's kinda funny reading the author's note saying that you didn't think this would go over 10 chapters, and the you look down at the number of chapters and there's 4x that number, and it's still in progress.
*40 chapters and 255,725 words long (Edit: and counting!)
.
.
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Alrighty then.
6748646 And counting! xD
6748646 you have the right word there but not the right attitude its more like this
4803461
2014