Ozzy Shore, one of the first human settlers in Equestria, starts his new life as Fleur de Lis' new secretary. How will he handle difficult obstacles like his close-minded manager, and living under Canterlot's uptight, social norms?
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One of the lines spoken by Ozzy near the beginning made it sound like he wanted to rape Ms. Star. I am extremely sure that was not the intention, so you should probably change it. That aside, there were a couple tense issues, but otherwise not much to note about the grammar. Additionally, the clop at the end felt a tad unnecessary, but it most certainly will make your story much more popular.
4799317 Fixed
Hopefully star will understand how much of a boner he has right now to give him a few minutes.
Great chapter. I cant wait for the next one.
That was agreeable.... I FUCKING LOVED IT!!!!!!
What a time to pitch a tent awkward lol I feel for the man
Going to hell?…nah its just work, I just hope Fleur don't tease him so much I had to say he did a good job at staying calm maybe he only need some time to think of something else to make the…excitement go away
…oh! I now! Oz quick, decomposition bodies, Killer Krock, the Joker…on a tong, there! that should fix him right away
4799736
IT BURNS OH MY GOD
4799783
Je but you no longer had a boner do you? Je problem fix
As a lover of clop and having read some of the finest clop in the world. It is my duty to inform you that was not clop that was a striptease. Clop would be Ozzy going to Fleurs dressing room and holding her against the wall slamming into her while she screams in pleasure. Although I thouroughly enjoyed the mental stimulation I hope there will be more serious clop in the chapters to come. Despite my rant I really do love your story and how you are taking time in developing Fleur and Ozzys relationship. A lot of writers tend to jump right into a full blown relationship by the 2nd or 3rd chapter and it ruins the story.
4799798
I think that its the definition of rape but ok…je but you know for the warning and how it start I though he was going to do something with Shining, thank god you didn't like Fleur say being cast (that its like saying male virgin, basically) its something you should just give to the one you think its special so it best to take your time first…je who knows maybe Fleur will try to play match maker with her model friends with Oz as a reward or something.
Also cast to refere to man virgin? yay or nay? I only asking because I think it could catch on…maybe with another name if cast doesn't work
It wasn't as much clop as it was more of a observant look of events. I HATE to say this and I never do... but I didn't get a hard on... (I have a serious blush after saying that.)
Huh, I thought the little show was considered to be cloppy enough, but I guess it can only get someone so aroused. Oh well, there will be more to come I suppose.
That wasn't cloppy at all! Clop is porn, smut, erotica, etc. often coupled with dirty language.
This was a detailed analysis of the naked body of a coworker, not out of perversion, but out of work-related business. The descriptions gave the reader a vivid image of the beautiful body of the anthro figure. Absolutely nothing was pornographic about that.
Incredible. Bravo. Great job.
You've shown a lot of improvement since the beginning. The story's ideas feels less and less used and commonplace as it goes on, somehow. Good on ya! Keep it coming!
4799736 media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1ilhkcU0T1r18l4x.gif
tickld.com/cdn_image_postimage/61cb07d613729d0af02e4f890199f0cb.gif
4800316
But you no longer had a boner right? …mission accomplish
While everyone goes about talking about Fleur, I'm just gonna go over the description of Ms. Star and think dirty thoughts.
4800330 and with that image on my head never again
4799976
Don't feel bad it was a really nice try, and it would had work in other concept but we were talking about the working place and she is only posing for the camera that ambient of professionalism and work take that away…most of it at least, over all it was a really good job
…now if you REALLY want a sure boner put a similar scenery but with Fleur doing poses with other models and maybe one of them flirting with Oz THAT will be a sure shoot
4800345
………Harley Quuin on a really skimpy bikini surprise french kissing cat woman. How about now?
4800362 aaaaaand just like that it's back
4800373
there you go, now you can erase the other imagine
4800384 that was good brain bleach
4800362
I'm surprised you didn't point this one out. So has other people. Have THAT going on in your head.
4800390
Ah…I suppose I learn to respect miss Shine and Lis to respect their privacy and past to just drooling at some of their private time, I'm like Oz in that aspect strangers? yeah, people that want to make things right and are just vulnerable…well time and place, time and place
…also messing around can be cleaner that one would think and its very open so…yeah I didn't see it like that…much
never mistake light erotica to clop, yes it's nice, but that ain't clop and i did want some or not
well, still very good chapter, i like the way you fixed the relationship between them.
for a virgin without girlfriend in the background he know how to talk to the lady's well... making her fan with her tail good work Oz
not clop, eye candy yes, clop no.
and by the way he is a Xenophile not a Zoophile, they are anthro alien ponys.. not "animals" so... Xeno is the way
I have no clue who oz is gonna go for? Shining or fleur
4801385
Cosnider the low male radio he could be after both
4801668 probably... Awesome but we will have to wait and see
I can't get enough of this story!
I love the writing, I love Fleur, I love Shining, and I LOVE YOU FOR WRITING THIS
Hmmm... disappointing that the chapter didn't actually contain clop, but nonetheless it was a good read. I'm really enjoying this story so far and can't wait for the next chapter. I am really interested to see if you decide to go down the polygamy route in this story. (I wouldn't mind it personally)
inappropriate boners
4801385 Why not both?
4802037 I have nothing against it but I'm here for the romance, even though it might be weird but seeing a new character like fleur is amazing. To many stories about mane 6 and princesses where are the background ponies. But I have nothing against him going for both I think it would be a good love triangle kind of things. God that sounded corny lol
4802091 It's because of the lack of stories revolving around background characters like Fleur that I made this fic, and I hope to create more as so when I'm done with this.
I get no boner because of some things
I am part anti-furry
No tactical insertion, no tactical post
She was just walking, I mean - come on, man
If that's what you call shameless, then will be happy to say this is going to be the first good story with no legit clop... So far...
Oz be like...
guywitharandomthoughts.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/noseblee.jpg
4800390
....you realize that you may have just written out a scenario for when Ms. Star lets Ozzy in on some of the stuff that Fleur and her did before things got frosty, more than likely in a flashback moment---and that strangely I can see this happening at the party??
Sometimes, it looks like the story will write it out by itself, no matter how you may be trying to keep it somewhat under wraps and making it to be more of a gradual acclimation of how things work....
moar clop
And they finally started getting along, me like!
4803461 ooh pretty
Loving the story so far! WIll the later chapters contain clop?
4804349 Yes. I'm gonna try.
Allow me to rephrase.
"... Could you give me a couple minutes? I need to subdue my raging boner before I stand up."
... We've all been there.
*reads Fleur's bodily description* Hmmmm! Nice! Very good description overall! I'm impressed! Also I can see that you are not a fan of big breasts as Fleur's turn out to be a C cup which are modestly sized but still well formed.
4810466 I honestly like any breasts up to a realistic kind of size. So long as they aren't too big that I can't even hold in my hand, and give the bearer of such breasts the mother of all back aches, I'm good. Oh, and having them in good proportions with the rest of the body is pleasant for me too. Plus I like to have characters that have a wide variety of sizes so things don't look so bland later on.
Yeah, he gotta do some preparations, talk to people, and stuff like that before he's ready.
Anyway, that was the most descriptive paragraphs that I've read to explain the same body type of the person twice. Though I'm somewhat surprised that her hoof like legs wasn't described in there, like if it wasn't for those, among her other non-human features, he could have mistake her as a beautiful human woman instead of a beautiful mare. I also really like the development between Shining and Oz that they're able to get closer together like this.