• Member Since 23rd Jul, 2016
  • offline last seen Saturday

Heartless BadFox


I may not have a heart for those who wants mercy but I am not cold as ice to not grant that mercy. My creator made me and wish to use me, but they cannot control the darkness and one's will.

Comments ( 87 )

7427476 I'll my friend just school and my second writing account may slow me dowm

Yay this is a awesome story i hope you write more soon update more on this story soon :twilightsmile:

Try to keep The Videos out of The story it makes The story look bad (just some advice your choice)

While I think the premise has potential, I very strongly suggest getting yourself an editor or two. The grammar is not a small problem and needs some serious attention. Once that's out of the way, people can stop disliking it because of poor grammar and for other reasons that may or may not need a good explanation. Putting it in more groups is also advised.

7431675 Yeah I know, but I don't known anyone that would help edit this

7432515
Well, there's an entire group for that actually.

7432665
Jus go to Groups and search 'editor.' There are more of them than I thought, so take your pick.

7432670
Don't sweat it, it's not like I'm the one doing the editing.

I was one of these people at the age of nine when I first talked to a demon name Zeal

You need to add a D in name.

my name is Justin the heartless man without a heart

You need a comma after that.

the demon body changed into my human body except when it did that I had no clothes.

A comma after that.

Not wasting a single minute I ran out off the cave

You need a comma after that.

"Heh, I guess I gave them a slip." I said to myself

You need a comma instead of a period.

So yeah really bad

A comma after that.

that I don't lose to much blood in my body

It's written as 'too'.

Other than that, this was a pretty good start. Although you could have put that video in the author's notes instead.

this is a very good story, far better than most peoples second stories.
as for the grammar, it is of decent quality so don't worry about it to much.

when you speak of the type of demons should i reference doom for what they look like

7448563 yeah just ones from Earth. Tartarus has its own different demons in it like succubus, arachne, and some that like Equestria type of demon, but yeah the language is from doom unless there is another game than doom that uses backward speaking.

After Heartless left me to beds and notebooks

I don't remember him ever introducing himself.

Also it should be Beds and Notebooks. Capitalization and whatnot.

7469567 Thank you for noticing that error I'll fix right away.

By Zeal, you mean the tiny demon from House of the Dead II, right?

7478289 No he's not that Zeal, he possessed the armor just to stop losing his hell energy andthe armor is Luna's old one before she became Nightmare moon.

Why is he ever at a disadvantage even in a storm? It cancels his fire but he can still use cytokenises and control lightning.

7480530 He only knows the pyrokinesis because Hell is fire and lava not other elements. There's not other cytokenises demons in hell.

the spells are a lot like spells you can find in skyrim

7490243 Yup a few light ones and low black magic because I can't really think of light magic, but expect the Hell's book spells to be made up and few from the game.:raritywink:

This chapter is very interesting to read keep up a good work update more on this story your doing great keep up the good work update more soon :twilightsmile:

I'm confused, if Luna thinks Celestia sees Heartless as a demon (even though she doesn't know what he looks like), why does she think Celestia is trying to claim him for herself?

7518761 In the show remember that everypony thinks of her as a monster. Heartless just showed that they're wrong and that being something very polite to Luna treating has she wanted to be treated. So Celestia thought Heartless would be the same with her.Despite her not liking demons. P.S. sorry for not updating soon.:pinkiesad2:

I love this it is sooooo good. I swear its like a drug can not get enough.

Cant wait until the next chapter this story is really underrated

7521372 Hate to be a bearer of bad news, but I won't be able to work on a chapter nor upload one until I have WiFi for my tablet. Sorry, but don't you worry I ain't giving up on this story.

7518761

Um Paul what number do you pick from my author's note? 1 or 2?

7523252 I got me WiFi:pinkiehappy:, but what number you pick 1 or 2?

7525854
Oh, didn't even notice that part of the AN. Um, let's go with 1.

Nope, not picking either unless you tell us what they are.

7525892 I give ya a hint in a riddle.

A reliable creature that sticks by your side by birth to adulthood a loyal companion like a raised child, but a wild a d tamed mind. What is this riddle hint. Message me if you figured it out.

7526245 I didn't even try to. If you're gonna decide something in the story based on a poll, you've gotta actually tell us what it's about, otherwise what was the point of giving a poll in the first place? And you aren't just leaving out the choices we can pick from, you're leaving out the whole damn question!

If the reason you're unwilling to share is due to potential spoilers that's fine, but without any actual insight into what we're voting on it essentially boils down to random chance, in which case you might as well just flip a coin or something instead of putting it to a vote.

Edit: This video explains my thoughts on the matter.

I'm Deep Thought.

You're the crowd.

7526406 Thank ya for opening my eyes to see what ya mean and now I rewritten the authors note on why you're picking a number. It's a pet choice on who finds the pet and what the pet is.

Zeal doesn't really seem the type to go out often, but it would be interesting to see him finding a pet on of the few times he does. It would also add a bit of depth to a character the readers haven't spent much time with, so I guess based on that I would choose option 1. But then again, you said that this would be Heartless' pet regardless of who finds it right? In that case it would make more sense for him to find it, due to the fact that the one who brings it home would most likely be the one who becomes it's owner, so it would be better to vote option 2.

The only problem is that this tells us how Heartless gets a pet, but not what that pet actually is, which would really be a deciding factor for me. I want him to have a pet that fits him as a character, but I'm not certain what that would be. A raven? A wolf? A vampire bat? I don't know who finds what, so I guess I'm still just a bit reluctant to throw my vote in for either one.

Sorry if I'm being a bit harsh/over-analytical about all this, but at least I'm trying to be constructive about it rather than flinging insults... (thinks back over the last couple comments) ...non-comedic, mean spirited ones anyways.:twilightblush:

7527682

I forgive you man, you opened my eyes and I had to thank ya for that.

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