Appledashery

by Just Essay

Goodnight, Sweet Squidgy

Rainbow Dash snuck closer and closer over the rise in rocks, clenching her jaw tight to silence her breaths as the game continued onward with the unruly monsters booming above her.

“What is this, Durandal?! You’re missing one figure! I thought you were ready for a proper game!”

“If you stopped shaking the whole lair everytime you walked inside, then maybe all of my pieces wouldn’t rattle all over the place and I wouldn’t be forced to look so hard for them!”

“Well, you’re a big reptile… thing! Can’t you just use your tonguesense to detect where you last left them?”

“It doesn’t work that way, Polyph. Once petrified, the buff--er… I mean ponies can’t be smelled quite as easily.”

“Hahah! That must stink to be you! I’ll have you know that I can smell all of my pieces after I’ve frozen them!”

“Tartarus, it must stink up your whole island when it comes time to have dinner.”

“Hmmph! You don’t know cyclopses too well! We love to eat all our things crispy black! There’s no smell but burnt! Just the way we like it!”

“You’ve never eaten a pony juicy and raw?! You don’t know what you’re missing.”

“Oh yeah?! Well why don’t you describe it to me, Durandal?!”

Rainbow Dash winced, paling as she drew closer and closer to the cyclops’ bag. Gazing up at the rump of the huge biped seated on the stone before her, she flapped her wings and crept towards an open fold of the large sack.

“Why, it’s sweet in a way, like venison. Only the sweat glands make for good seasoning. You’d never expect equines to be so squishy in the head region, but it’s like their cheeks are made out of extra fat. Quite succulent. Still, I wish they had more meat on their bones.”

“Ever eaten griffon?”

“No, why? Is it crunchy?”

“Only the upper half. The bottom half is like eating a lion.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

“It’s best to do it when they’re live, so long as you don’t mind the wriggling around in your throat. Best to cut off their talons before you shove ‘em down that long, long gullet of yours. Oh, and if they’re dude griffons, best to castrate them first too. Long story.”

Rainbow Dash fumbled, bumping into the bag. She winced, her face green as she made a retching expression. Taking a deep breath, she unhooked the lantern from her tail, gave the two creatures a devilish smirk, then held the jar up to her face.

“Well, Squidgy, it’s been fun,” she murmured ever so quietly. The eye flickered at her through the sloshing liquid. “But I need you to do something super stupid… and by ‘stupid’ I mean ‘killer awesome if it actually frickin’ works.” She saluted. “Goddess speed, ya creepy piece of pulp.” That said, she opened Polyph’s bag, grimaced from the waves of flies buzzing out, and tossed the eye inside. “Just try and hold your nose shut… er… you know what I mean.”

She brushed her hooves off and spun about to dart towards a place of hiding.

“For Tartarus’ sake, Durandal!” Polyph grumbled. He reached back to scratch his bumpy rear. In so doing, he inadvertently knocked the upper half of his heavy bag aside. “Find your missing pony already!”

“Gaaah!” Rainbow Dash took the brunt of the thick leathery fabric to her body. She flew off, pinballed off a granite column of Cloudstone, and slammed into a large bag of white powder. She gasped, flailing on her backside, watching as a cloud of sediment settled over her. She sat up, realizing that she had landed in the middle of an oversized wooden trunk full of the basilisk’s cooking instruments. “Is this… fl-flour?” Her nose wriggled. She winced, shook, quivered, and then--“Aaaa-choo!”

The cyclops and the basilisk instantly jerked aside, two eyes blinking between them.

“What was that?”

Rainbow Dash gasped with a voice-cracking squeak.

Comments

[Tchernobog]

Run, Dash, run!
Or hide and stay veeeeeeeery quiet!

[Lilith Evanson]

Dash!! Move, girl!

[MellowMabari]

To borrow fitting words from our eloquent heroine -

Ah, Lunapoop.

[zaponator]

Hah! I see where this is going. It's time for Dash to play "Stand perfectly still and don't even breathe".

[HyperMonica]

NO DASHIE!!! NOOOOO!!! DONT MOVE, HON!!

[Misspegasister_]

HIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or run or something!!!!!

[LucyHorseThing]

"Here lies Rainbow Deadline Dash: Killed by a sneeze"

[Metal Aura]

Quick RD! Channel your inner Odysseus and/or Beowulf.

[arancaytar]

“You’ve never eaten a pony juicy and raw?! You don’t know what you’re missing.”

Um...

Can we go back to the part of the story where RD was depressed and pining for AJ and her worst problem was losing her house? I feel I didn't appreciate that part enough.

“It’s best to do it when they’re live, so long as you don’t mind the wriggling around in your throat. Best to cut off their talons before you shove ‘em down that long, long gullet of yours. Oh, and if they’re dude griffons, best to castrate them first too. Long story.”

Ooookay that's enough Appledashery for today

[arancaytar]

3952482

That's Easthorse, in this one she invokes Luna's nipple.

[arancaytar]

Rainbow Dash gasped with a voice-cracking squeak.

Time to make like a Weeping Angel, Dashie.

[AppleTank]

Oh wow that's a Dash about to get dashed across the rocks. This is one hell of a tone shift.