Appledashery

by Just Essay

Adding Insult to Injury

The bathroom door shut firmly behind Rainbow.

Photo's voice echoed merrily from beyond. “Now taken sie as much time as you vant, Fraulein Firefly! Ze ice vater is ze best known cure for hangovers! Vell, zat and eine hohe Toleranz-Ebene like meine, but not eferypony is eine zierliche Prinzessin from Awesometopialand like you.”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...” Rainbow Dash stared wearily into the shower stall while slipping out of her sleep-wrinkled gown.

“Just leaven sie ze dress hangink on ze door. I, Photo Finish, vill find you somesink else to vear! All guests in meiner Wohnung schould feel properly komforted and klosed!”

“And, like, that's totally cool of you and all, Photo... but...” Rainbow stepped gingerly out of her dress. Tossing her mane, she fidgeted while still gazing at the shower stall. “...does your bathroom have to be so friggin' creepy?”

“Hmmmm...?” Photo Finish's distant voice wandered away, then back. “Vat vas zat, meine friend?”

“Errrrr...” Rainbow sighed, ears folding. “Nothing.”

“Ach! I had zat schower custom-made! Ja, it's designed to symbolize ze natural schamelessness of ze kleansink process! Eferyday ve skrub and klean only to bekome filsy vonce again! It's all fery absurd, in its own vay...”

“Yeah, sure...” Shivering, Rainbow stepped naked into a giant porcelain basin built to look like a ceramic bird's nest. There—built into the tiled shower wall—was a huge gaping bird break flanked by porcelain feathers. “Yeesh. I can't tell if it's trying to eat me or vomit on me...” She squinted all over the gaping avian maw. “How the Hay do I turn this thing on?”

“Just turnen sie ze feazer, Frauleinnnn!”

“Turn the feather?” Rainbow's muzzle scrunched. She tentatively tapped one feather, then began turning it. “Nnnnnn-please don't make some creepy squawking sound...”

The plumbing behind the wall hissed. Not long after, twin streams of warm water trickled out of the giant beak's nostrils. Steam rose to the bathroom ceiling, tingling the pegasus' skin through her blue coat.

“Heeeey...” Rainbow exhaled calmly. “That's actually kind of relaxing.” Her contented smile lasted barely a minute. Soon she was wincing from the return of a migraine. “Nnnngh... dumb hangover. What I really need is cold water.” She gazed across the wall. “Let's see... that must beeeee...” She tapped the other porcelain feather. “...this one.”

SPLOOOSH! The huge gaping beak doused her with a waterfall of ice cold liquid. Rainbow fell back into the hollow of the gigantic ceramic bird's nest, flailing.

“Blarghalbglbraghllblarghl!”

“Oh! Be kareful vis ze oser feazer! It's uber sensitife, ja? I've been meanink to kall in for a repair but efery plumber in Manehattan sinks I'm mad for needink my 'moser bird' fixed. Hah! Kan't imagine vhy!”

---

Minutes later, Photo Finish trotted gaily around the kitchen table, setting the last of four places. She hummed to herself, smiling from ear to ear. At last, after the last plate was slid into place, she turned to face the far end of the artistically decorated studio.

“It's ready, Fraulein! Kome out, kome out, meine inshpirational friend!”

“Unnngh... Photo...?” Rainbow's voice cracked from someplace down the hall. “You absolutely sure that you don't have anything else that I could wear...?”

“Ja! I hafe many thinks!” Photo smilled, her shades glistening in the dawnlight through the apartment windows. “And ve are miraculously ze same preportions, you and I! But—sadly—today is a Sunday and eferysink is in ze wash! I'm afraid zis vill have to do for now!”

“Guhhhhhhh...”

“Oh, now, don't be shy!” Photo giggled. “Ve are all friends, here! I'm sure it looks wunderbar on you! Besides, it's traditional vere I come from!”

“Alright...” Twitching, fidgeting, Rainbow finally slinked out of the hallway and padded across the apartment floor. She clenched her teeth shut beneath bright red cheeks. As she passed by a grotesquely mutated silver vase on a pedestal, she looked at her warped reflection, along with the brown knee-high breeches with their wide suspenders trapped over a white-collared undershirt. A dark brown vest hung over Rainbow's upper body, making her cringe all the more.

Photo, meanwhile, was squee'ing. “Ach je! Just look at you!” She giggled. “Just like ze shpirit of shpring come to pluck flowers from ze earth!”

“Uh huh, yeahhhhh...” Rainbow shook one hind leg and then the other, grimacing. “Just... t-tell me one thing,” her voice cracked again as she winced so hard she squinted. “Are they made out of...” A gulp. “...actual leather?”

“Oh nein! Nein nein nein...” Photo Finish gestured. “I, Photo Finish, am an artist! I put takful sacrilege into collages, not on clozes.” She trotted over and straightened the vest around Rainbow's shoulders. “Ja, ze Finish family lederhosen is actually polyfinyl. Purely for innocent social gazerinks.” She adjusted her shades and smirked. “Zough Photo is aware of some Manehattan ponies who are secretly into zose sinks.” She pulled one suspender and let go.

Whap!

“Dah!” Rainbow winced, clutching her chest as Photo flounced away.

“Breakfast awaits!” the mare sing-songed. “Zough, first sinks first. I vant you to meet two fery shpecial guests of meine.”

“Nnngh... Oh really?” Rainbow stumbled into her chair with a shudder. She glanced across the room to where a vault hid behind a certain painting, then glanced back at Photo. “You... uh... have more ponies sleeping over than me?”

“Oh, ja,” Photo said, trotting over to a table and pulling a drawer open. “In fact, zey shtay here efery night and day. Photo Finish's life vouldn't be ze same visout zem.”

“Errr...” Rainbow gulped. “I just hope Trenderhoof isn't one of them.”

“Hah!” Photo spun around, holding a whistle in her hoof. “Sei nicht albern, Fraulein! I am a sane, pony!” Immediately after that, she blew hard into the whistle, nearly fracturing Rainbow's eardrums. “Jaeger! Gustav! Holt eure Ärsche her! Schnell!”

Rainbow recovered from the ringing in her skull just in time to hear two doors slamming open in unison. Two sets of hooves scuffled out into the distant hallway. Then—in perfect cadence with Photo's staccato whistling—the hooves stomped closer and louder, carrying a pair of identical little colts up to the breakfast table with serious faces.

Rainbow watched, eyes twitching.

Photo then blew the whistle twice.

Both colts thundered to a stop, standing stock-still and glaring across the table at Rainbow. They had matted snow-white manes cut in little bowls around their crowns, only one colt's hair was parted to the left and the other's parted to the right.

Photo blew a third time, followed with: “Sagen Sie Ihren Namen! Jetzt!”

One colt stomped forward two steps. “Mein Name ist Hans Gustav!” He barked.

As he thundered backwards, the second colt took two steps. “Mein Name ist Hans Jaeger!” He trotted back.

Both stomped their hooves one final time in unison. “Guten Morgen! Ve are both Hans!”

Dead silence.

Rainbow's jaw hung open. “Uhm... er...”

“Shpeechless?” Photo grinned. “Sehr gut! Zey are ze pride of my life! Twins, born on an Oktober mornink! I kouldn't decide vhich one to call Hans, so I decided—vy not both?! Zey represent two halfes of an artistik koin—or ze duality of a moser's love! Both righteous and vindictive! Like napalm!”

“I am ze Righteousness!” Hans said.

“I am ze Vindikation!” the other Hans said.

Both stomped their hooves and pressed adjacent forelimbs together. “Ve are both love!”

Rainbow nodded and nodded and nodded, muzzle agape. “Hello, Hans... Hans.” She gulped. “I am both confused.”

“Your hair is ugly!” the Gustav Hans said.

“Hans!” Photo whistled shrilly two times.

The same colt cleared his throat. “I mean zat it's unseemly kolor pattern brings unnecessary kontrast to ze room, vich is vy I shtill konsider it ugly!”

“Ja!” Jaeger Hans nodded. “I agree vith ze Vindikation!”

“Zere...” Photo smiled. “Aren't zey ze shmartest sinks you've efer set eyes upon, Fraulein?”

“Uhhhh...” Rainbow cleared her throat and adjusted her suspenders. “Think I'm ready for some orange juice, right about now,” she said raspily.

Comments

[Tchernobog]

Oh god, there's three of them now. Hans and Hans...

[Autumn Rush]

Rainbow nodded and nodded and nodded, muzzle agape. “Hello, Hans... Hans.” She gulped. “I am both Dash.”

Rainbow just referred to herself as Dash instead of Firefly. I don't know if that was a mistake or not.

“Your hair is ugly!” the Gustav Hans said.

Rude.

I have a feeling those two are going to get annoying very quickly. Though the image of RD in lederhosen clothing is pretty hilarious.

[BabySkittleMonster]

The bird shower was certainly... Interesting. I would have paid good money to have seen Rainbow's face. Heck, I'd pay good money to see anyone's face when confronted with the gaping maw of a dead bird in a shower of all places.

[Jay_Baker]

I like these kids

[HyperMonica]

Interesting chapter, buddy..... I LURVE IT.

The twins remind me of my neighbor. I hate him, but I like these kids....

[FloydienSlip]

Wonder who the father is...

[Lightning Bearer]

So, Photo Finish turned into Captain Von Trapp, made her children into a living artistic statement, and dressed Rainbow in lederhosen ()?

I can dig it.

“Blarghalbglbraghllblarghl!”

I feel you there, Rainbow.

[Sheendough]

Zey represent two halfes of an artistik koin—or ze duality of a moser's love! Both righteous and vindictive! Like napalm!”

[RainbowJack2000]

There's Hans from Frozen, and Hans and Hans from Appledashery?
...
Well shit.

[YoshiFawful64]

This'll be fun.
Honestly, though, I thought the reveal of Photo's kid(s) would be more... plot-twist-y. In fact, I think I was half expecting it to be Scootaloo.

[PropMaster]

One day, the little Hanses will meet two little Franzes, and will go on to create a successful gymnasium business. They will PUMP YOU UP.

[Full-time_Introvert]

4799316 Why would scoots go from Manehattan to Ponyville just to attend school?

[Fishberry]

They kind of reminds me of my brothers.

I'm Larry, then there's my brother, Darryl, and then there's my other brother, Darryl.

[Dash32]

Ohmygod! I'm just imagining Rainbow Dash in Lederhosen! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Snowdrifter]

“Guten Morgen! Ve are both Hans!”

But are zey gut Hans? A question we'll all state.

[arancaytar]

Those foals are ridiculously adorable.

[bronyheat]

Hans Gustav...hmm... Perhaps as in, Hans Gustav Wilhelm Steinert?
Let's see what did he do...

Published first description of mytonic dystrophy, which is, "...a genetic disorder that leads to muscular weakness and atrophy in the limbs."

Seems familiar... Probably just a coincidence though...right?