• Published 4th Dec 2013
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Appledashery - Just Essay



Rainbow Dash lives an exciting life and is swiftly becoming the most daring, awesome pegasus in all of Equestria. She would gladly give it all up, though, just to confess her love to Applejack.

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The Neigh Science

“Look out, Ekwestria!” WHAM! Photo Finish bucked the front door open to her apartment and slid triumphantly inside. “Ze mares of Manehattan hafe rerturned!” She danced in place, giggling inwardly, then spun to whistle at a train of suited stallions. “Schnell! Bringen sie ze shpoils of kapitalism!”

The stallions groaned and grunting, carrying hulking shopping bags full of gowns, shoes, hairpieces, and rolls of photographic film. Behind them, Rainbow Dash lightly hovered in a green dress, wincing at all of the strain that the bodyguards were being forced to endure. They dropped the bags in the center of the front room, then partially collapsed to catch their breaths.

“Uhhhhhh... y'know...” Rainbow gulped and glanced up into the waning sunlight. “I thought that all we were going to do today was ride from studio to studio and take photographs.”

“Ja! But ve did!” Photo yanked Rainbow down for a side-hug. She gestured ecstatically at the rows of bags. “And zen some! Heehee! I shwear! I, Photo Finish, hafe not had zis kind of liberatink and impulsive fun in years!”

“Well, that's good for you and all, but...” Rainbow winced. “I mean, face it, Photo. Even you can't be made of money!”

“Hah hah hah! And all of zis komink from a delightfully spoiled monarch!”

“Eh heh heh... yeahhhhhhh...”

“Worryen sie not, Fraulein!” Photo adjusted her shades with a smirk. “Photo Finish is on good terms with pony akountants, ja?”

“Sure... I believe ya.” Rainbow smiled awkardly, pointing with her long-sleeved hoof. “Say, speaking of numbers... girrrrrrrlfriend... you never did tell me your four favori—”

Ze Hanses!” Photo shouted across the house, forcing Rainbow to wince. “You zwei foals better hafe done your shtudies!

Ja, mutter! Ve read all ze vay srough 'Ze Anticolt!'”

Ja! It's hard to believe zat Neightzsche vent insane on his ill-fated trip to Bitaly!

“Ve vill talk about it in ze mornink! Now Gute Nacht!”

“Gute Nacht, mutter!”

Photo swiveled back to smile at Rainbow Dash. “A night kap sounds sehr gut, ja, Fraulein Firefly?”

“Guhhhh...” Rainbow was busy rubbing her ringing ears. “What...?”

Ahem...” One of the many stallions in a suit trotted up. “Miss Finish?”

“Ja? Vat is it?”

“I just checked with the front desk,” he said in a low tone. “Apparently representatives of Canter Family and Loan came by again while you were gone...”

“Ach je!” Photo Finish slapped her forehead, groaning. “Zis is ze seventh time in ze row!”

“If I may be so bold, ma'am...” The stallion leaned forward, adjusting his shades. “It would probably be a good idea to double security during your open house party. You've been drawing a lot of attention to yourself lately, and—well—with the sort of reputation that Don Canter and his associates have, it might even be a good idea to postpone the event.”

“Open house party...?” Rainbow Dash murmured.

“Did I not tell you, Fraulein?” Photo turned towards her. “Ze party at zis apartment is a go! Efer since zat night at ze Paint Bucket Flat, I hafe been feelink rejufenated!” She pumped a hoof for emphasis, then turned to frown at the bodyguard. “Nein! Ve are most certainly not kancelink anysink! And for your information, I, Photo Finish, don't like talkink to Don Kanter's ponies because zey shmell!”

“Er... very well, Miss Finish,” the guard said, bowing his head slightly. He turned and trotted limply over the mountains of shopping bags. “I swear, if this gig didn't pay well...”

Rainbow was about to say something when Photo dragged her down by the tail and ushered her to the other side of the dimly-lit apartment. “Firefly, my newest and best friend! Meine veins throb with ze art magiks!”

“Yeah, well...” Rainbow wheezed and put on a plastic smile. “Better that than to be th-throbbing with something else!”

“As much as I hate to do so, I must part vays vith your glorious presence for a few hours!” Photo paused by a series of mare statues and posed like one of them. “But only bekause I feel inshpired to make ze latest photographic gallery! I shvear, if you hadn't fallen into meine lap, I vould be dry as a bone right now!”

“Well, uhm, happy to plummet—”

“But as for zis open house! Liebe Güte! It vill be to die for! Eferypony who is eferypony vill be here! And I absolutely must show zem ze source of meine inshpiration while I unfeil meine latest masterpiece!” Photo slid forward on two knees and slapped her front hooves together. “Oh please... please, Fraulein! Won't you stayen sie vith me at least srough that evenink?! It vill mean all ze world to me!”

“Well...” Rainbow winced, avoiding her reflection in the mare's shades. “So long as it means so m-much to you, then... I-I guess I could—”

“Ach! Wunderbar!” Photo Finish hopped straight up, grinning wide. “I shvear, you are like a beautiful dove!”

“But—like—there are pigeons all over this crazy city.”

“Nein! But you truly are! A vhite dove of purpose and beauty! Just like in meine dreams!” She glanced at a functioning “melted” clock up on the wall. “Ach! Look at ze time! I must arrange a masterpiece! And you must sleep!”

“But—”

“Now go!” And Photo headbutted Rainbow into the guest room.

“Gaaaaah!” Rainbow rolled, tumbled, and landed upside down against the bed, blinking awkwardly at the dark ceiling. The door behind her closed shut, and she was alone.

But not for long.

“Ghhhhh!” With a bit of struggle, a little gray statue lifted the window to the cool evening air. The dull hush of street noise accompanied his wheezing breaths as he leaned against the window frame and smirked Rainbow's way. “So... do you always dress in style, or...?”

“... ... ... ...!” Rainbow's blue muzzle heated to a crimson boiling point. “Rrrrrrrgh! Buck this!

“Whoah!” Lancie pretended to wince, clasping two talons together in a “pinching” motion. “Careful there, little lady! I know you've spent a few days in Manehattan, but watch the gutter whinny.”

“No, seriously, buck this!” Rainbow growled as she shook and wriggled and shimmied out of the constrictive green gown. “Buck the shopping! Buck the photo shoots! Buck the high priced gourmet brunches! Buck the smell of sewage and cheap perfurme! Buck creepy little twins and even their even creepier morning movies! Buck photography, buck art, buck pigeons, and buck Manehattan!” She finally stripped off the dress and flung it like a slingshot against the wall. “Graaaaaaaaaugh!” She pulled at her hair as she hovered in a tight, angry circle. “This was the worst idea on top the veritable Mount Manuregiblets of bad ideas!”

“Pffft!” Lancie rolled his eyes and propped his chin on a paw. “I could have told you that days ago. In fact, I did tell you that days ago!”

Don't rub it in!”

Lancie smirked tiredly. “But it was you who decided to ditch being Jockey McClane for Maretha Stewart! Now look where it's got you...”

“I swear, headbutting diamond dogs was like pancakes compared to this!”

“You're telling me that in all of the squeaky clean platonic marefriending that you both did together for hours on end, she didn't once make a single mention of a four digit number that might open her vault?”

No!” Rainbow spun towards him, snarling. “I haven't gotten a chance to get anything of the sort out of her! I've been going completely batty! Between her crazy weird photo shoots and impulsive shopping and foalita dress fetishes and her bird baths—” Rainbow's eyes bulged. “Unnnnnghhhhh!” She slapped her forehead and leaned her neck way, way back. “It's a bird bath! A bird bath!

“Buh?”

Rainbow frowned at Lancie. “Her shower, doofus! Grrrr! Now I'm starting to actually get her! That's it!” She zipped towards the window and opened it wider, spreading her wings to the upper Manehattan breeze. “I am so out of here.”

“You're giving up already?” Lancie remarked.

“Pffft! I don't need any of this crud!” Rainbow frowned. “And I certainly don't need a wish granted for Applejack that badly. I wanna help her out? Fine. I'll go fly on over to Sweet Apple Acres tomorrow and... paint her barn or something!”

“Very well then.” Lancie yawned before reclining limply across the window sill. “Guess the shard will just have to continue marinating in the hooves of ignorant ponies until its untapped power consumes untold amounts of innocent victims.”

Rainbow stood in place, frozen solid on the window ledge.

“But, please, by all means, don't let me stop you from helping Princess McFreckle Y'allsalot with her exterior decorating.”

“... ... ...” Rainbow clenched her eyes shut. She groaned, then slumped backwards into the dark bedroom once again. “Fine.

Lancie bore a stone smile. “I knew you'd come to your senses.”

“Stuff it,” Rainbow said. “I'm sticking around, but I'm no longer beating around the bush.” She trotted across the apartment and planted her fuzzy blue ear against the door. “You'll see. Just as soon as Miss Gesundheit and her Tartarus spawn are asleep...”

Lancie sat up straight. “...yeah?”

“I'm going to try my luck on the vault again,” Rainbow muttered. Her brow furrowed. “I'm getting into that thing even if I have to explode it.”

“And if that doesn't work?”

She spun and spat at him. “Then I'll explode it harder!

“Now that's the spirit!”

“Boh.”

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