Appledashery

by Just Essay

What a Glorious Feeling

“Let's see now...” Lancie scratched his granite scalp while squinting at the quarry below. “A little to the left... seventy degrees downward... hang a right... mmmmm-yes. Yup. Yupperooni! The shard is definitely down there!” He shrugged his shoulders. “Give or take an ebony monolith or two.”

“What in the horse trough is an 'ebony monolith?'” Rainbow grunted.

“Y'know, the monoliths!” Lancie squinted his stone eyes. “The tall bastions of central equine defense against the outer wastelands of chaos...” His ears folded back. “Not... th-that I would know anything about that... eheheh...”

“Riiiiiiight...”

“Well, smarty saddle, if you don't have ebony monoliths these days, then what do you have?”

“Pffft. Skyscrapers, dude.”

“Very well, then!” Lancie pointed past the lumbering canines and their carts full of gems. “The piece of me is located about two skyscrapers downward.”

“Eeeeeeeeeeugh...”

“I suspect some digging is in order, or at the very least some brown nosing.”

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeugh...”

“Or, in the case of these mutts, dry nosing, though that would mean you'd have to go to the vet and—”

“Will you please...” Rainbow Dash gripped him in the crook of her hoof, spun him upside-down, and shoved him neck-deep into a bed of gravel. “...can it for a bit!”

“Mmmffnng—mmfff—mffnngh, mfnnngher—fmmker!”

“Right...” Rainbow Dash slithered past him and squinted over the ridge, studying every platform, shack, and burrow of the spiraling quarry. “It's definitely some kind of huge operation. For every one of these creeps, there's about four more of them below the surface... like cockroaches. And right now I'm counting... ten... twenty... thirty-five...” Her ruby eyes darted about, and at last she grimaced. “Seventy-two. That means there's over three hundred of these melon fudges underground. Ughh... buck me on a Sunday...”

“Nnnnnnngh—” POP! Lancie yanked his head out of the gravel and wheezed, “Not on a first d-date!”

“Either keep your voice down or your head!” Rainbow grunted out the side of her muzzle. “I'm pretty sure one of those things I can rip off.”

“If I may be so bold...” Lancie slinked up her tail, back, and came to rest between her wings. “I detect a hint of bitterness in your voice. And—oddly enough—it is not directed entirely at me.”

“Yeah, well...”

“Have you had a history with these vile beagles?”

“I guess you could say that,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “They kidnapped one of my friends before.”

“OoOoOoOo...” Lancie rubbed his talon and paw together. “Was it... that friend?”

“No...”

“Not even the 'totally-not-a-marefriend' friend?”

“No! Will you knock it off!”

“I'm sorry. I did think this was the whole point of our venture.”

“No, the whole point of our journey here is to get that shard of you back and find out just how much you're full of it!”

“Heheheh... well, if it helps you to believe that, then keep telling it to yourself.”

“Grrrrrrrrrr...”

“Ahem. But seriously, though.” He propped an elbow against her ear and examined his talon. “How do you intend to un-let the dogs out?”

“That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out,” Rainbow Dash thought aloud. “From what Twilight Sparkle once explained to me, these guys only come to the surface when they absolutely have to. There's no place they love being than below ground, and almost anything will prompt them to scurry back at a moment's notice.”

“And just who is this 'Twilight Sparkle' when she's at home?”

“Only the smartest egghead to have ever trotted the planet.”

“With a name like that, I'm guessing she's never spent the night in an open barn.” Lancie waggled his eyebrows. “If you catch my drift—Whoah!” He flew off from Rainbow's bucking backside.

“Quiet! I'm thinking!”

“Really?” Lancie sat up, wheezing. “That must hurt. You poor thing.”

“Hmmmm...” Rainbow Dash stared across the quarry. “What is it that dogs hate more than anything?”

“Medical scissors and formaldahyde?”

“I didn't pack any. However...” She glanced up at the sky, then slowly smirked. “Mother nature is always packin' something.”

“Oh jeez... you're not about to go all Saturday Morning Special on me, are ya?”

“Nope!” Rainbow plucked Lancie off his feet and shoved him into her saddlebag. “Watch and learn, buddy boy!” She spread her wings and bolted straight up, rocketing into the clouds. “Awesomeness has arrived!”

“Yeah... w-well...” Lancie sputtered as he gripped tight, struggling to stay inside the satchel. “Awesomeness needs a smoother entourage!”

“Wuss!”

---

CRACK!

“Mush! Mush! You mangy fleabags!” A large and muscular canine marched along a line of hooved quadrupeds deep within the quarry, flailing his wip across the flanks of random deer and gazelles pulling carts. “Dig and haul! Haul and dig! You're lucky that we even feed you at night, you worthless oafs!”

“Mmmfnghh!” An elk collapsed, falling onto her chest while the chains rigged to a cart rattled. The other slaves fidgeted nervously, whispering and begging her to get back up.

“You there!” The diamond dog adjusted his metal helmet and bounded over, raising the whip high. “This is your third time today! Don't you know that Top Dog needs those gems for the Ceremony?!”

“Please...” The elk wheezed, staring up with glossy eyes over an emaciated expression. “Just a little bit of water... I-I beg you!”

“You want water?!” The dog spat on the ground, wiped his snout, and aimed his whip at the collapsed elk's flank. “Suckle your own blood, ya runt! Cuz this desert sure as Hell ain't gonna give you a single drop of—”

Plop! Something wet splashed off the dog's helm.

“Huh...?” He looked straight up, only to be stabbed in the eye by two more droplets. “Woof!” He realed backwards, his back hairs bristling.

All across the quarry, the wooden walkways and metal shacks echoed with the sound of raindrops ricocheting off their brittle surfaces. In thickening sheets, an inexplicable downpour saturated the entire quarry. Dogs and slaves alike squirmed in surprised. Meanwhile, muddy currents coalesced along the top ridges before pouring down the segmented layers into the deepest recesses of the pit.

“Master!” Another canine howled from the distance. “This rain! It's going to cause a mudslide!”

“If we don't roll in the gems now,” another wheezed. “We'll lose all the treasure we collected for Top Dog today!”

“Stop yer barking! I already figured that out!” the master yelled back, trying to hide his shivers. “Eugh! Bones! I absolutely hate baths!” He pulled a necklace whistle to his lips and gave the moist air a loud blow. “Roll 'em in, pups! I don't know where the Hell this monsoon came from, but we've got gems to protect!”

Most of the dogs were already whimpering and running towards the nearest holes for cover. Most of the slaves, however, stood in place, tilting their snouts and muzzles skywards as they gladly opened their grinning mouths to drink as much of the blissful precipitation as possible.

“Hey!” Crack! The master snarled. “That means you too!”

Finally, a thick group of canines forced the slaves down the platforms and into the deepest recesses of the quarry. Dragging the carts of rubies behind them, the prisoners savored as many droplets as they could manage before galloping back indoors. A trio of slaves carried the near-faint elk, and soon everyone had abandoned the quarry entirely.

A few minutes passed, during which a blue pegasus dove down—swirling—and landed at the entrance of a deep hole.

“Ahhhhhhhhh...” Rainbow Dash shook the droplets off her wings and tail while the quarry continued to be thoroughly drenched behind her. “And that's how you make an entrance.”

“How ingeniously stupid.” Lancie grumbled.

Rainbow Dash glared over her shoulder. “Stupid? None of those creeps saw a rainshower coming! Who else would have thought to bring in all the clouds from the surrounding area and make that happen?”

“Not that. I was hoping you'd choose something living up to the word 'awesome!'” Lancie tossed his stone limbs. “Something with more explosions and pizazz!”

“Didn't you see those poor slaves wetting their whistles for the first time in—like—forever?”

“Yes. It almost made me gag with overexuberant pathos.”

“Heh...” Rainbow Dash smirked as she bravely trotted down the dry, torchlit tunnel. “You've got a thing or two to learn about being a hero.”

“And I suppose you're the pony to teach me.”

“Nah. You'll just be lucky to become cool by association.”

“Well...” Lancie stood up straight atop her back and folded his arms. “By copying you, I see I'll already flunk 'Humility 101.'” He ignored a low-hanging stalactite that bopped him squarely between the eyes. Whap! “Ow!” He fell back on her flank.

“Sorry, dude. Didn't see that one.”

“Liar.”

Comments

[zaponator]

Lancie's not a hero, he's a high-functioning sociopath.

[Tchernobog]

4324255
Or:
i1.ytimg.com/vi/3CpeCBFE_Wc/0.jpg

[Lightning Bearer]

“Mmmffnng—mmfff—mffnngh, mfnnngher—fmmker!”

Well, that was rude.

[Jay_Baker]

Well this was good :)

[ThePonyWriterThing]

“Ahem. But seriously, though.” He propped an elbow against her ear and examined his talon. “How do you intend to un -let the dogs out?”

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT