Appledashery

by Just Essay

Mmmmm... Bison

"No need to sweat it, pony!" The mountain ram frolicked his way happily up the red-tinted rocks of Granite Mountain in the sunset. "Scaling a cliff-face doesn't have to be a chore! Heh... just think of it as hopscotch, only with more avalanches and bloodthirsty cougars!"

"Look... nnnngh..." Rainbow Dash hissed, perspiring profusely as she slaved to pull the wagon up the steep incline. "Chirping Boy."

"Churning Bag."

"Whatever." Rainbow gulped, her hooves briefly slipping on the loose gravel sliding past her and the cart. "Guhh! Fuuuu... Ahem. Glad you're so chipper about this death drag and all—"

"Who, me? Pffft. I've lived around these peaks all my life! I was climbing the foothills before my horns even grew out! And then I was scaling the cliffs before my... uhm... o-other body parts grew out. Ahem."

"So, then, you've butted heads with the buffalo on several occasions?"

"Ungh!" Churning paused on a teetering boulder. He twirled about, forcing the bulbous chunk of rock to wobble beneath his agile body. "And here I was hoping that the first pegasus I met in forever would not be equinist!"

Rainbow Dash froze, legs-locked in a quivering squat. "I'm afraid you've lost me."

"Rams most certainly do not 'butt heads!"

"Oh. Uhm... I'm totally sorry—"

He smiled wide. "It's the buffalo who buttheads! Me and my horns? Pffft. I'd be cheating. Nah, I'm just happy to sell them my wares."

"Mirrors, right?"

"Yup. Sometimes blindfolds too."

Rainbow's pupils shrank. "Uhhhh..."

"Yeah. I wouldn't suggest asking either." Churning kicked off the boulder, sending it toppling madly into the ravine just a hair's breadth from Rainbow's muzzle. "Best to just sell the buffalo what they want and not ask any more questions!" He said as he hopped his way up the jagged cliffs. "'Don't buffalo the buffalo!' My wise uncle said that once! Before he became vulture food, that is!"

Rainbow winced, her ears twitching from the loud crash that the boulder made at the bottom of the ravine. "Well..." She hissed under her teeth as she strained and yanked herself up the path. "Do you know if they love pies?!"

"Who, vultures? Maybe if you stuff them with pickled chipmunks!"

"No, the buffalo."

"Can't say that they get much up here in the mountains that hits their sweet tooth!" Churning paused to grin down at her. "Heck, they're too busy with chipped tooths! Hah!" He slapped his hoof down, causing pebbles to rain down. "Boy, I'd soooo write that down if I had fingers!"

Rainbow Dash winced as a few tiny stones ricocheted off the top of her fuzzy head. She rubbed her scalp, frowning upwards. "I see you inherited your late uncle's knack for timing."

"Speaking of which!" Churning turned and spread both cloven hooves forward. "Ta-daaaaaa!"

"Why the jazz hooves?" Rainbow Dash panted and panted as she pulled the cart onto an even level. She blinked, unhooked herself, and trotted over until she stood by his side. "That's it?"

The ram turned from where he stood before a narrow cave entrance covered with a flimsy, wind-blown brown flap. "What? You were expecting a moat full of crocodiles?"

"Or at least rabid armadillos, sure." Rainbow Dash nodded, wiping the sweat from her brow. She winced at the sight of the flap. "Is..." Her eyes narrowed. "Is that leather."

"Relax, I'm sure it's no one you know!" Churning bounced towards the flap, looking back. "After all, when was the last trans-continental pony war?"

Rainbow frowned. "Ponies don't make wars."

"Heh. Yeah. And my girlfriend doesn't make milk—" Just as he reached the flap, a creature thee times his and Rainbow's side burst out, his horns dangling with glittering crystals and arrowheads. "Whoa dayum!"

"Grrrrr! The Churning brings the buffalo more sea shine, buffalo?!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa-hahaha—yeah!" The mountain ran recovered, scratching the back of his head and rattling his saddlebag for good measure. "Lots of sea-shinies for buffalo rump-hinies. Or however you put it." He winked back at Rainbow and pointed. "Local idiom. You gotta talk like an ogre whose tongue is stuck to tree sap."

Thud! The huge bison stomped his hooves down in front of the woolie creature, making the whole mountaintop shake. "The buffalo demands the Churning show his strength before the buffalo, buffalo!"

"Whoahhhh! Hey hey heyyyy... I'd love to, pal! But give me a break!" Churning pointed at his satchel. "They're super-merry-go-round fragile! I mean, you guys remember last time with the crystal balls, right?"

Two more snorting, angry bison stuck their heads out of the entrance as the one in the front snarled into the ram's face. "Let it be up to the buffalo to determine if the Churning can out buffalo the buffalo, buffalo! If the sea shinies shatter to bits, it is the fault of the Churning's unbuffalo weakness, buffffffffalo!!"

"Alright! Alright! Have it your way! But I'm tellin' ya... eh heh heh... ya guys aren't makin it any easier!" Churning backed up.

Rainbow was busy rubbing the edge of her hoof against her inner ear. "Nnnngh... what's with all the spittaking?"

"It's their snazzy little test."

"What kind of snazzy little test?"

"Eh... best that you watch and learn." Churning spread his knees apart and took a deep breath.

Rainbow Dash blinked awkwardly—until she heard a grinding sound. She looked ahead.

The middle buffalo was scraping his hooves, snorting, scraping and snorting. At last, as the veins in his eyes flashed red, he tore forward, yelling the entire way. "Rrrrrrgggggh!" He slammed his skull hard as a missile into Churning's cranium. "Buffalo!"

Rainbow winced.

"Nnnngh!" Churning Bag slid back several feet, stopping just inches before western edge of the mountain. When the dust settled, he was standing in one piece. He opened his eyes—squinting—and leaned forward with a smug grin. "Haaah! Eat that with your croutons, big shot!"

The bison hopped up and down with several heavy-hoofed thuds, tossing pebbles into the air beyond their thrashing horns.

"Buffalo!"

"Buffalo!"

"Buffalo!"

"Heh..." Churning gave his bag a slight shake. "And not even a single one broke! Looks like I'm coming down the mountain a rich ram!" He turned and smiled. "They should let you inside the mountain too, presuming you survive."

"Huh?" Rainbow glanced aside. "Survive what?"

"Rrrrrgh! Too. Many. Colorssss!" Hooves scraped as a brown mass of muscle rushed Rainbow's way. Stomp stomp stop! "Prove to buffalo that you have the right to speak, buffalo!"

Wham!

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaiiieeee!" Rainbow soared clear off the mountainside in a prismatic streak.

"Remember, knees apart—awwww..." Churning winced, his ears drooping. "Too late."

"Buffffffalo!"

Comments

[MellowMabari]

Having horns/antlers is apparently a prerequisite for being a little off-kilter - and by that I mean bat-guano insane. That, or the buffalo are secretly Pokemon.

Onward!

[zaponator]

Oh great, the buffalo are pokemen! Pokemans? Whatever.

[Spinner of Tales]

BUFFALO!

[DrEggnog]

Well. This just took a sharp turn into the ridiculous.

[Metal Aura]

6070528 YOU DARE TO QUESTION THE BUFFALO?!

[arancaytar]

Don't buffalo the buffalo!

Yeah, just let buffalo buffalo buffalo.

"Is that leather."

Oh come on, Dashie.

Rainbow frowned. "Ponies don't make wars."

Welllllll...

derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/10/5/995087__safe_artist-colon-tjpones_oc_oc-colon-brownie+bun_oc+only_ask_crowd_horse+wife_monochrome_riot_tumblr.png

[AppleTank]

8446828
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/4/21/304524.jpg
I was thinking more of this myself.
Good thing RD has wings, eh?