Appledashery

by Just Essay

Hello, Dash, Is Anypony Home?

"...AND SO, AS IT TURNS OUT, MOTHER COULD LIVE WITHOUT A LOWER ABDOMEN! THEY JUST HOOKED HER UP TO A BOTTLE OF PLASMA EVERY DAY AND GAVE HER A COLOSTOMY BAG AFTER EVERY LASAGNA NIGHT!"

Fibb leaned back, smiling casually through his eagle beak.

"AHHHHH YEAH... MOTHER WAS A STRONG BIRD! ONLY HALF HER BONES BROKE THAT ONE TIME I TRIPPED AND FELL ON HER!"

"I... see..." Gilda pretended to jot down some notes. "...well, good to know that you inherited the... intestinal fortitude of the family."

"OH, YOU BET! I LIKE EVISCERATING EVERYTHING MY BEAK CAN TOUCH!" Fibb said with a devilish grin. "SAY, YOU'RE PRETTY SMART, JERRY!""

"Gilda."

"Y'KNOW, JERRY, MOST BROWN-BEAKING PUNKS WHO WANT A PEEK AT MY TROPHY ROOM ASK ALL OF THE FLATTERING QUESTIONS. BUT SO FAR, ALL OF YOURS HAVE BEEN VERY SMART AND DETAILED! HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH THEM?"

"Well... uh..." Gilda squirmed where she sat. "I've only asked you one question so far."

"ABOUT WHAT?" Fibb blinked beadily.

Gilda struggled to keep her angry feathers down. Out the corner of her eyes, she detected a fuzzy blue shape pitter-pattering out from behind the innumerable rows of trophy shelves. Rainbow only had to look at her once, and the griffon spun back to face the meaty catbird.

"So! Uhhh... Fibb!" Gilda scoot-scoot-scooted to the side, redirecting Fibb's gaze so that he was gazing away from the sneaky pegasus. "Tell me how you got... so... uhm..." She blinked. "...bald."

"FUNNY STORY, THAT!" Fibb pointed with a razor-sharp talon. "SO I WAS IN THIS RACE DOWN DRAGON RAVINE, SEE...?"

"Dragon ravine?" Gilda squinted. "But... I thought that was on the other side of our ancestors' wind barrier."

Rainbow, meanwhile, slowly inched her way towards the entrance to the niche. She balanced the heavy goblet precariously on her flank.

"HAH! YOU BET IT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE!" Fibb exclaimed, his booming voice causing the shiny trophies around them to rattle on their bases. "ONCE A YEAR, THE MOST ELITE OF THE ELITE FLY THROUGH SPINDLE'S NARROW! YOU EVER HEARD OF SPINDLE'S NARROW?"

"What griffon growing up hasn't?"

"IT'S A TINY TUNNEL THAT LEADS THROUGH THE BARRIER, NO BIGGER THAN A RAT'S PEEHOLE! A SHARP GALE BLOWS THROUGH, UNLESS ONE HAS THE WIND CHALICE TO GET THROUGH!"

"Could we... uh..." Gilda's beak clattered as her eyes briefly darted towards the entrance. "...get to the dragon part?"

"SO, A GROUP OF THE TOUGHEST GRIFFONS GO THROUGH SPINDEL'S NARROW AND EXIT OUT THROUGH TO THE MONSTER LANDS! THEY THEN MAKE THEIR WAY TO DRAGON RAVINE, WHERE THEY FLY THROUGH A LONG, THIN GORGE LINED ALL OVER WITH DRAGON ROOSTS! BOY OH BOY DO THOSE LITTLE TURD HATCHLINGS LIKE TO FART FIRE! HAH! LOTS OF PUNY WANNABE GRIFFON BOSSES GET CHARRED TO A CRISP! THIS ONE TIME, I LAPPED GRIFFONSTONE'S FINEST TWIST! HE CAUGHT UP, AND THE TWO OF US RACED TO THE FINISH LINE! THAT'S WHEN A LITTLE DRAGON BABY VOMITED FIRE AT US! ROASTED HIM TO A CRISP! TOOK MY HEADFEATHERS TOO—BUT I CAME OUT ON TOP! SQUAWWWK!"

"Wow... what an..." Gilda shook her head. "... ... ...inspiring tale," she said.

"I KNOW! RIGHT?! I SURE SHOWED UP GRAMPS! HE THOUGHT I DIDN'T HAVE THE MUSCLES TO RUN THIS GIGANTIC POOP TREE! WELL, I TAUGHT HIM A THING OR TWO! GETTING FIRST PLACE IN THAT RACE EVEN WON ME THE WIND CHALICE."

"The Wind Chalice?"

"YEAH! THE SHORT STOUT GOLDEN GOBLET WITH THE RUBY STUDS!" Fibb pointed behind Gilda. "JUST LIKE THAT!"

Gilda blinked. She looked behind her to see an enormous, polished trophy that was reflecting Rainbow Dash's moving figure... including the item on her flank.

"... ... ...WAIT A MINUTE!"

Gilda spun back, wincing.

Fibb turned around so quickly that his talons carved half-moons in the crystalline floor. "HELLO?! SOFT HOOVES?! WHAT IN THE CAT TITS DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

"Uhhhhhh..." Rainbow Dash froze in place, her pupils reduced to pinpricks. She gulped and squeaked, "Pony... polishing... s-service...?"

"OH NO!" FWOOOOSH! Fibb spread his wings wide, dwarfing Rainbow's figure as he marched towards her. "NOT IN FIBB'S HOUSE!"

Rainbow gulped.

Thwisssh! Gilda flew in between them, arms outstretched. "Whoah! Fibb! Wait just one second!"

"OUT OF THE WAY, JERRY!" Fibb cracked his iron joints, foaming at the mouth. "I'M ABOUT TO MAKE GLUE!"

"Look, Fibb, I know that you're angry... enraged, even. But you're forgetting one important thing."

"OH YEAH? WHAT?"

Gilda pointed behind him. "What the hell is that?!"

He spun around, eyes wide.

Gilda jumped up, twirled, and slammed two paws straight into his skull. WHAM!

His upper body rammed into a wall. His beak embedded several inches deep. "MMMMRRRMMMFFF!"

Gilda ran out after Rainbow and the two booked it up the bridge.

"Are you crazy?!" Rainbow's voice cracked. "Do you wanna make him madder?"

"Either way, you're the one he'll find with his Wind Chalice."

"NOT helping!"

From far behind: CRKKKK! "I'M GONNA HANG YOUR ENTRAILS FROM MOMMA'S WINGCHAIR!"

"Crud!" Rainbow Dash galloped up the bridge at full speed. Her ears tickled from the beating winds caused by Fibb's flapping wings. "Crud crud crud megacrud!"

Comments

[MidnightReflection]

Well, good thinking Gilda. Dash is the one with the Chalice, so I guess you'd be in the clear. Except that you're obviously going to go with Dash to the Dragon lands. I hope.

[Hestia]

Murphy's Law, Dash. Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong will.

Actually, that about sums up this whole arc.

[314]

Fibb is JE's way of saying "Screw this fic"

[Aatxe360]

I wonder if Fibb and Romulus would ever team up... And why does the wind exit the Dragon Lands? You'd think dragon spawn wouldn't mind going out to eat for yardbird.

[Bulbajer]

eheh

[Skunkiss]

6235441

I cannot really imagine Fibb teaming up with.. ... anything.
Though very brutal, Romulus is still very much about tactics, how could he ever work with something like that?

I don't think Fibb is even able to grasp the concept of "teamwork"..

[Aatxe360]

6235525

I'm sure Romulus can find a way to get Fibb to do things. Unspeakable things. It doesn't have to be about teamwork.

[Sheendough]

6235144 That's Finagle's Law. Learn the difference. It will save your life.

[Leftover of Saikano]

Dragon Ravine is an abusable card and not fun to play against
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20150609144344/yugioh/images/c/ce/DragonRavine-AP07-EN-SR-UE.png
6235441 Maybe the wind is generated in the wall and blows in both directions?

[zaponator]

Of course, it was only a matter of time before it hit the fan.

[Nasty Mister Monket]

Somewhat ironic that of the two simultaneous sneaky stealing events, it's Appledashery's which goes awry, while Austraeoh's is going spiffingly, to the bewildered protests of the readers.
Colon, you're breaking your own rules here! Stupid plans are the ones that work, anyone with a well-laid plan gets it shoved up their well-laid ass, you have taught us this. What next? Cuddling? Dash coming out of the closet? Shell dying? Don't make me laugh.

[Sileadh]

6235525
Fib gets teamwork! That's the part were you use your team's bodies as clubs, right? To get to those pesky varmints to far away for your claws to reach.

[LucyHorseThing]

"Crud" is an understatement.

[Dash32]

Rainbow... I believe I've said it before but I'll say it again. YOURE FUUUUCKED!!! FALALALALA–LA–LA YOURE FUCKED!