Appledashery

by Just Essay

Dog Gone It

“Move! Get your stupid butt in gear!” A bipedal canine in rusted armor grunted as he lifted a foot and kicked a whitetail deer in the spine.

“Ooof!” The doe stumbled forward, falling onto her chest as she winced against a cluster of rocks at the bottom of a wide cavern. “Please...” She hissed through her teeth, her ears twitching as she fought the urge to cry. “I-I haven't slept or eaten in d-days! I want to w-work for you, but my body's so weak—”

“That's because you haven't been mining enough iron, you stupid buck!”

“Pssst...” Another mutt leaned in. “She's a doe.”

“Baaah!” The guard batted off the other's paw. “She's lunch! That's what she is!” He licked his chops as he loomed over her. “There's still gotta be some meat on those thighbones somewhere...”

The other canines panted and wagged their tails in communal agreement.

“Please... I-I can dig still!” The doe glanced up with a quivering jaw. “I can help you build your boss' machine!”

“Bark?!” The diamond dog leaned back, his eyes bulging. “How in butts does she know what we're building for Top Dog?!”

Another canine grumbled, “Maybe because somedog keeps forgetting to keep his mangy trap shut around the slaves!”

“Don't blame me!” The guard hissed back, his backhair bristling. “I had no idea the creatures were smart enough to understand Standard Canine!”

“Well of course they do! We give them orders around the quarry all the time, don't we?!”

“I thought that was just the whips doing the work!”

“Buddy, you haven't used a whip in twelve days!”

“That's because Top Dog says I keep staining the ore and rubies we dig up with blood!”

“Ten days,” the doe said.

All of the dogs glanced at her. “Huh?!”

She gulped. “Ten days... it's b-been ten days since you used the whip.”

The guard stared at her, his mouth gaping and drooling. At last, he swung a glance towards his companions. “They can count too?!”

“Listen, dog, all I feed them is fleas and porridge! I sure as Hell haven't been giving them any armadillos to do math with!”

“Uhm...” The doe squinted. “Don't you mean abacuses?”

The guard stood stock-still, blinking. He mumbled to himself as he counted the pads on his paw. He glanced towards the ceiling. A pause. Snarling, he suddenly reared up and gave the deer a swift kick to the gut.

“Ooomph!” she curled up, wincing.

“I'll give you a ruptured cerebellum is what I'll give you!”

“Hckkkkt...” The doe choked on a sob and wheezed forth, “Appendix...”

“Whatever! Get your stupid tail-less tail to the slave pen before I throw you there—the skeleton before the pelt! Hhmmmph! See that I don't!”

“Can't... m-move...” The doe whimpered and twitched. “C-can't... breathe...”

“Unnngh...” The guard face-pawed. “Dammit, I hate slave duty.”

“She isn't much of a slave anymore,” another mutt said. “Top Dog wouldn't mind losing a set of legs. Especially if it means lowering the monthly rations by a smidgeon.”

“Yes...” A third dog licked his teeth and drooled ravenously. “A sweet, succulent smidgeon...”

“On one condition,” the head guard said, scratching his chin. Eventually, he smirked. “I get the fatty parts.”

Everydog barked, forming a tight circle around the convulsing doe.

---

“And so then I said—'Who won the Bit wars?! Buddy, unless you plan to hook a Neightendo up to a hayloft, all you're gonna get out of this crummy kingdom is oats and horseshoes!' Heh... 'Buck Processing' my left kidney...”

Rainbow Dash remained staring down the cavern from the lofty cliffface, her mouth agape at the scene of violence about to take place.

Lancie filed his talons with a stone shard while leaning against the back of her head. At the continuing silence, he raised an eyebrow and glanced over his shoulder. “Sparky? What's the matter? Pony got your tongue?”

“What... it... but...” She shook her head and glared back at him while pointing a hoof down. “Do you not even see the crud that's unfolding?!”

“Please, be a proper lady. Crud always folds its napkins before sitting down at the dinner table.”

“I can't believe you're so flippant over misery and suffering.”

“I gotta admit.” He gave a fanged smirk. “I almost chuckled at the 'appendix' part.”

“Did not!”

“Oh, and like you're one to count!”

Rainbow Dash stared down, gritting her teeth. “I gotta do something...”

“Fine. I might as well contribute what I can.” He slithered around her shoulder and cleared his stone throat. “Ahem...” Gesturing down the cavern, he said, “With the helmets those yahoos are wearing, they have very little peripheral vision. That should give you enough room to fly over their skulls and make your way to the tiny cavern located riggggggggggght there.” He pointed down at an angle. “Judging from how much the torches are flickering, there's a great deal of air flow—I'm guessing a lot of canines inhaling and exhaling. And where you have the highest concentration of guards, you're bound to find something worth protecting—like my shard for instance.”

“Uhhh...”

“So, the plan's simple. Glide down without flapping your wings—you can do that, right, Sparky?—then scale down the wall, slither through the tunnel—clinging to the ceiling when you have to avoid canines walking towards you—then find a suitable place to hide in the next compartment, perhaps behind toolboxes and crates. Oh, and if you smell canine feces—head towards it. The filthy smell should mask your dainty feminine graces so you can more properly advance on your target.”

“That's all good and stuff...” Rainbow Dash cracked the joints in her neck. “But I've got another idea.”

“Oh really?” Lancie stood up straight, folding his arms. “Let's hear it.”

---

“Shhhh... go ahead and fight...” The guard dog clutched the trembling deer's snout as he lowered his mouth to bite into her jugular. “I love it when my meat's warm and juicy—”

”BOOYAKASHAAAAA!” Rainbow Dash came down in a thunderous prismatic blur, smashing the guard's body so hard that his belly formed a crater in the stone floor.

“YIPP!” he yipp'd.

The other dogs spun towards her so fast, their helmets spun around their heads, blocking their eyes. As they stupidly struggled to reorient their armor, Rainbow Dash was already backflipping, sailing her hooves across the craniums and sending them plunging meatedly into one another with muffled shrieks.

The doe looked up, her eyes wide with shock.

“Hraaaaaaugh!” Rainbow Dash pounced on another dog, pummeled him to the floor, and raised her body with a savage elbow to another guard's throat.

Meanwhile, Lancie was clutching to her saddlebag for dear life, flailing all around. “Y-y-you c-c-c-call th-th-this a pl-pl-plan?!”

“Buck, no!” Rainbow Dash sweated and grinned. Grinned and sweated. “I call this friggin' poetry in motion!”

Two dogs rushed up, hoisting spears up high.

Rainbow spun her devilish grin towards them and leapt at full force. “Time to take you to the pound! The ground pound!”

“Oh for the love of—” And Lancie's moaning voice was silenced by the thunderous salvos of Rainbow's swift hooves finding their mark.

Comments

[Avox]

4334984 ...That probably should have been spoiler tagged.

[Aatxe360]

4339657

He's not the smartest of the bunch.

[Tchernobog]

”BOOYAKASHAAAAA!”

Oh lordy XD

[zaponator]

Next to Dash, even Discord seems level-headed. Jeeze.

[AppleTank]

4339657
Whoops. Sorry 'bout that.
4339753
Yeah yeah, I fixed it.

[WhitewolfStormrunner]

4339941 Hmmmmm. Yeah, somepony around here's been watching the "new" Ninja Turtles series, it looks like.

Good choice, though. It's a good show. At least Nickelodeon's doing better by the TMNT than 4Kids did when they had it.

[Lightning Bearer]

It takes a special kind of pony to make Discord the voice of reason.

[Jay_Baker]

Once again you have made me smile

[Metal Aura]

“I gotta admit.” He gave a fanged smirk. “I almost chuckled at the 'appendix' part.”

As did I.

[arancaytar]

“That's all good and stuff...” Rainbow Dash cracked the joints in her neck. “But I've got another idea.”

Aw yiss. Dashie 'bout to do a awesome.

”BOOYAKASHAAAAA!” Rainbow Dash came down in a thunderous prismatic blur, smashing the guard's body so hard that his belly formed a crater in the stone floor.

All right, now it's Austraeoh.

Less of the self-pity, more of the suplexes!