Appledashery

by Just Essay

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Buffalo

As Rainbow and Churning entered a lone alcove at the far end of the cavern, a buffalo guard went ahead of them and shouted into the echoing interior.

”Buffalo who Bags Well, these non buffalo have come with buffalo wears to trade with the buffalo, buffalo!”

“Grrrrghhh… not so buffalo loud, b-buffalo!”

Rainbow Dash stopped pushing the cart of apple pies long enough to slump against it with a panting breath. She looked up over the chariot and Churning Bag’s figure.

At the far side of the cave, a stupidly large buffalo stood before the mirror, lifting and lowering a dumbbell held in the crook of his right forelimb’s hoof. A pair of shades with scuffed lenses rested on his muzzle, and he tilted his head to look over the reflection of the messenger that had led Churning and Rainbow there.

“Oh. Churning. It’s you, buffalo.” Buffalo who Bags Well sighed through a flaring nose. His voice was softer than the rest of the mountain dwellers, and it wavered with a nasally pitch. “Praise the sky buffalo and all that crap, buffalo. We’ve broken at least a dozen of these buffalo things since the last time you came.”

“Well, that’s why I’m here!” Churning smiled brightly. “Restocking is my middle name! Along with ‘Elizabeth,’ but we won’t…” The mountain ram sighed towards the side of the cave. “We won’t get into that…”

“And who is this buffalo, buffalo?” He who Bags Well squinted at Rainbow Dash through his shades. “Your assistant?”

“Actually, I’m not here to sell shiny things or help out Elizabe--I mean Churning.” She rolled her eyes, cleared her throat, and said, “I’m here on behalf of Fancy Pants and the Cloudstone trade.”

“Hrmmf…” The lead bison’s nostrils flared. “Oh, that non-buffalo, buffalo.” He sighed. “With a mustache that thin, I’m not surprised he’s sent in a sacrificial lamb.”

“Sacrificial… lamb…?” Rainbow Dash’s eyes squinted.

“Yeah, I know,” Churning grumbled aside. “Personally, I find that very offensive, but that’s just one of the things you have to roll with--”

“I don’t think you get it!” Rainbow Dash floated forward. “Fancy Pants would very much like to get his hooves on the Cloudstone that’s inside the mountain, so long as you guys are not using it, that is. And to make it worth your while, he’s willing to trade some pretty awesome stuff! That’s why I’m here… uhm… You Who Bags Well!” She smiled and gestured with both hooves towards the apple cart. “I happen to be the ambassador of awesome! I have something here that will knock your socks of--that is, if you wore socks and they were somewhere in proximity to your mouths! Cuz these edibles right here are sure to--”

“Unless they are mirrors, globes, or shiny objects, then we are not interested, buffalo.”

Rainbow Dash hovered, blinking. “But… like… these are b-better than mirrors! They’ll melt in your mouth slightly faster than glass!”

“You’re obviously very new at this,” Churning said, brushing past Rainbow Dash. “Lemme lend you a hoof. Free of charge.”

“Look, I think I got this--”

“Buffalo Who Bags Well,” Churning said, bowing with a smile. “What I provide you on a regular basis is important to your survival, as we all know. But what Rainbow Girl here is willing to give you is something that you can all enjoy while in the act of surviving!”

“There is no joy to be had when the buffalo are being buffalo’d by buffalo danger, buffalo!” Buffalo That Bags Well said with a snarl. He slapped the dumbbell down and sighed. “I’m afraid I can’t entertain any non-buffalo ideas from the outside world until we’ve dealt with this buffalo threat…”

“Oh, come on!” Rainbow Dash frowned and folded her forelimbs. “I’ve come all this way just to see you about this! Won’t you at least give it a sample?!”

“Even buffalo taste buds are not immune to buffalo distress…”

“Well, could you at least tell me what the big deal is?!” Rainbow Dash shrugged wildly. “Why all the mirrors and why are they important to your survival?”

“Buffalooooo!” a voice screeched from a leather flap dividing the room from an even smaller chamber. “You didn’t tell me that we had buffalo guests, buffalo!”

He Who Bags Well sighed and rolled his shaded eyes. “They’re not buffalo, mother! They’re traders from beyond the mountain!”

The flap rippled open, and a dangerously withered waif of a bison hobbled forward on crooked legs. Her coat was gray and her eyes were even grayer. ”It makes no buffalo difference, buffalo! Did you at least give them the traditional buffalo greeting like a good little buffalo, buffalo?!”

“No, mother, I did not, buffalo. Besides, one of them is Chrning and you know how he’s always carrying fragile things--”

”No excuses! You’re a buffalo, buffalo, not a horned toad, buffalo!” The elder female bison wobbled slow-as-molasses towards Rainbow Dash. ”Nnnngh! C’mere, you! Let me… nnngh… t-test your strength, b-buffalo!”

Rainbow Dash looked at He Who Bags Well. He Who Bags Well stared back. Rainbow sighed. She stopped hovering and stood in the path of the slowly charging bison. After a full minute had iced by, the elder finally made it to Rainbow’s body, and she tilted forward--lightly tapping Rainbow’s forehead with her horns.

”Nnnnnngh--Th-there! Feel the buffalo strength of the mighty mountain buffalo, b-buffalo!”

“Oh. Ow, my head.” Rainbow Dash plopped down on her haunches after the impact and droned, “I have been outmatched by the sheer strength and physique of the buffalo… buffalo.”

”Damn buffalo straight!” The elder squinted at the cart full of apple pies. ”Buffalo, did you check out the non-buffalo outsider’s hubcaps, buffalo?!”

“No, mother. And besides, they can’t reflect and we don’t need them.”

“Well maybe you do need them and you don’t know it yet!” Rainbow squeaked.

Churning leaned in. “Not exactly the best sales pitch--”

“Look, shuddup!” Rainbow flew up and hovered before He Who Bags Well. “Look, let’s talk it out! What’s the big deal about this Mountain! Why can’t you take in anything but mirrors?”

“Because they protect us from the sl-slithering,” the leader said with a shudder that ran through the entire cavern. “The slithering from the heart of the buffalo mountain, buffalo!”

Rainbow’s eyes twitched. “The… slithering?”

“Mmmmmm… Yes. And to gaze upon the slithering is to invite death.”

”A warrior’s death, it is not, buffalo!” the old bisonette interjected. ”The slithering is a coward that creeps in when we are all buffalo asleep, buffalo!”

He Who Bags Well sighed and picked up another dumbbell. “And yet, it never ever seems to swing by your bed, Mother…”

”What in the buffalo is that supposed to mean, buffalo?!”

“But you guys are all super tough!” Rainbow Dash gestured. “Couldn’t you take this… erm… ‘slithering’ out on your own?”

“Believe us, non-buffalo. Nothing would give us any greater buffalo pleasure! But there is one problem.” He Who Bags Well sneered. “The Slithering stalks us one at a time, buffalo. What’s more, the lair of the Slithering is deep in the heart of the mountain, where your non buffalo friend with the tiny mustache seeks to find Cloudstone, a lofty place that we can’t reach.”

“Huh…” Rainbow Dash folded her forelimbs. “I wonder why Fancy Pants doesn’t know anything about this… Slithering.”

“It is not for non-buffalo to know, buffalo. The Slithering will consume all life, and most cowardly too, buffalo or not, buffalo.” He Who Bags Well turned towards the mirror again and started pumping the dumbbell in his hoof. “We buffalo use the mirrors to see the Slithering’s approach. It has saved many, but the unlucky few of us, buffalo, get snatched away when they least expect it.”

“And you’ve not tried chasing this evil bad thingy down?”

“It is as I said, buffalo.” The leader frowned, adjusting his shades. “The Slithering comes from a lofty place where the buffalo can’t reach.” He paused suddenly, turning to gaze at the pegasus and her wings. “However…”

“Uhhhh…”

He Who Bags Well pointed at Rainbow Dash. “If you, non buffalo, have the buffalo strength to drive out the Slithering so that it will no longer prey on buffalo, then that would make buffalo slightly less angry, buffalo.”

“Oh…” Rainbow Dash blinked. “Really?”

”Tell her to use the hubcaps on it, buffalo!”

“Enough with the buffalo hubcaps, mother, buffalo!” The leader sighed and looked at the flying pony. “If you do this, then the buffalo will consider sampling these…” He grimaced slightly but eventually grunted, “Apples of the pie.”

Rainbow grinned a crescent moon. “Killer! So where do I go to kick some Slithering tail?!”

“The Churning of the Bag knows.”

Churning blinked. “I do?” He then gasped. “Oh! I do!” He motioned after Rainbow Dash as he bounced his way out of the alcove. “Hop along, girly! Lemme give you the grand tour!”

“The grand tour of what?”

“Folks around here like to call it the Bison Boob Tube.”

“Uhhhhhhhhh yeah, no.”

Comments

[Shadepal P]

This buffalo arc is good; though I'm beginning to wonder if Dash is ever gonna get out of this mountain

[Tchernobog]

...Bison boob tube?

[Loeden]

Pie tins are reflecty, right? She can sell it by saying that it's a mirror you get to EAT first!

[Scohinyha Sanka]

For some strange reason I read the sentences of The buffalo who Bags well with a jazzy type voice

[MellowMabari]

I hereby dub the "Slithering" Salazar.

Hopefully Rainbow kicks this thing's tail, because as snazzy of a lawn ornament as I'm sure she'd make (is this a turn to stone on sight kinda deal, or a no takebacksies you're dead on first glance type of thing?) she can't exactly seduce Applejack that way.

Onward!

[zaponator]

Eeyup. Monster-hunting quest time.

[YoshiFawful64]

...
Bison... Boob... Tube.
What.

[Full-time_Introvert]

Watch it be a cockatrice

[stardusk]

The word buffalo has lost all meaning for me.

[infinitymuffins]

5208286 Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

[aleistergreynight]

“There is no joy to be had when the buffalo are being buffalo’d by buffalo danger, buffalo!”

Seriously, were you just trying to make this confusing and hard to read!?

[DrEggnog]

The old mother is the first buffalo that I like.

[Chewierulz]

You see Rainbow, this is why you don't go into caves. They are full of bad things and should be avoided at all costs.
...
Unless of course the plot demands it. Which it always does.

[Gammahoof]

Basilisk? Basilisk.

[Metal Aura]

3860116 Found the salesman. RD could say that the pies will make the buffalo powerful enough to destroy any creature that dares to attack once they consume enough.

[Yami Vizzini]

“Buffalooooo!” a voice screeched from a leather flap dividing the room from an even smaller chamber. “You didn’t tell me that we had buffalo guests, buffalo!”
He Who Bags Well sighed and rolled his shaded eyes. “They’re not buffalo, mother! They’re traders from beyond the mountain!”

...Is He Who Bags Well supposed to be Buffalo Wolowitz?

[Snowdrifter]

M. BIson approves this arc.

spurscommunity.co.uk/index.php?attachments/tumblr_m9sqah3xwn1r8dy8go1_500-gif.10737/

[arancaytar]

“Because they protect us from the sl-slithering,” the leader said with a shudder that ran through the entire cavern. “The slithering from the heart of the buffalo mountain, buffalo!”

Oh crud, and suddenly it is Austraeoh.

Stratopolis has taught us that ancient pegasus ruins are not a good idea to stick around in

[AppleTank]

Buddy, are you high?