Appledashery

by Just Essay

Dog Gone It

“I'm not doing it... I'm not gonna do it,” grumbled a canine as he stood besides a stack of barrels in the boiler room, clutching a lance in his two paws. “No way... no how...”

“Nnnnngh...” The taller mutt next to him squinted aside from beneath his helm. “What's bothering you?”

“Oh... nothing...”

“It's something alright. You've been yelping about it for the past hour.”

“No I haven't... it's been more like... mrmmnnngh... forty-five minutes.”

“What does it matter? Stick to dog time.”

“I always stick to dog time! What do you take me for?”

“An idiot and a pup.”

“I'm entitled to some self-respect.”

“What's that got to do with anything?”

“Simply that I'm not going to do it!”

“Not going to do what?!” the taller mutt growled.

“Kiss his tail. I'm not joining the club.”

“What club?”

“The 'Kiss my Tail' club.”

“Whose tail?”

“The boss'.”

“You mean Top Dog?”

“No, I mean Carpet Cat—who do you barkin' think?!”

“Since when did Top Dog have a 'Kiss my Tail' club?”

“Since he got that fancy shmancy new bone of his to chew on.”

“Uhhhhh... that's not a bone, dog.”

“Yes it is!”

“No it isn't. It's a rock.”

“Then how come it looks like a giant chicken leg?”

“I dunno.”

“And yet you say it's a rock and not a bone?!”

“Maybe it came from a petrified chicken.”

“Okay, now you're just reaching.”

“For serious. When did you ever hear of a chicken bone being capable of powering up the you-know-what.”

“Turkey bone, not chicken bone. And besides. It's the rubies and diamonds that power the you-know-what. This bone thingy is all that's keeping it from going kablooey.”

“You mean like how the previous three prototypes have gone kablooey?”

“Yeah, well this one's different.”

“It's being designed and piloted by the same Top Dog, so I don't see how it's different.”

“There's magical properties to this turkey leg bone thing.”

“Oh really.”

“Yes! It can teleport the you-know-what across miles in a single blink! We can lay wastes to the other clans in hours!”

“I'll believe it when I see it.”

“Well, sucks to be us.”

“Why's that?”

“We chose to be guards. We can't see it. We can only protect it.”

“Yes, but at least we get to see it at some point.”

“Says who?”

“Top Dog! Who else?”

“Pffft. Like Top Dog is going to share his Turkey Bone.”

“I'm telling you, it's a rock.”

“Call it what you want. All it'll ever be to us is dog turds, especially if we keep talking behind the Top Dog's boss like this.”

“So now you've changed your mind.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, a second there you were against the idea of joining his club.”

“What club?”

“The 'Kiss my Tail' club! Come on, dog! You friggin' said it yourself!”

“That's because Top Dog is a huge egomaniac who loves the sound of his name! It only stands to reason that he likes the buffness of his tail.”

“Uhhhhh...”

“And if he wants other dogs to buff his tail for him, that's good and fine for Top Dog, but not for us.”

“We kind of have to answer to him, buddy.”

“Yeah, so long as he pays us in gems and rubies. Otherwise I don't owe him a darn thing.”

“Did he—like—insult you or something the other day?”

“What? No! I mean... yes! Maybe.”

“Come onnnnn. Out with it.”

“It's just that he... y'know... walks so funny.”

“...walks funny?”

“Yes. He's like a friggin' giraffe. His upper paws flail all over the place. He's like a buffoon.”

“I... uh... m-must admit that it does look sort of funny.”

“You walk like that on the surface, and you know what happens? You get the leash. You'd might as well roll over and join the slaves in their filth.”

“You know, there might be a reason he walks that way.”

“Pfft—other than wanting to show off the sort of crud he can get away with cuz he's our boss and he pays us all?”

“Of course he's our boss. He's Top Dog.”

“He's an accident waiting to happen! I'm telling you, the only reason he's building the you-know-what to begin with is because he needs an excuse to get around more without looking funny in the process.”

“Couldn't he just have us all blindfolded?”

“Pfft. Maybe. But then where would all the gems and rubies come from?”

“We could just have all the slaves bring them to us. I mean, they dig enough for them.”

“Yes, but then you've allowed them to be entitled, and as soon as they feel any ounce of empowerment, they'll walk all over us into next year!”

“Yeah, but at least it won't be some funny looking kind of giraffe walk.”

“Heh, yeah, tell me about it.”

The two stood in silence. Unbeknownst to them, that entire time, a petite pony shape and a not-so-petite minotaur shape were both hopping from one condensation-slick boiler to another. Scaling their way above the canines' heads, the duo succeeded in hopping their way—unseen—through the doorway beyond. They vanished in the mist.

Seconds later, one dog scratched his chin and glanced aside at the other dog.

“I hate steam.”

“You know what? Me too.”

“Hey. You hungry as I am?”

“Meh... I'll vomit up something later.”

Comments

[Lightning Bearer]

This chapter featuring special guest writer, Quentin Tarantino.

[Jay_Baker]

This was nice :)

[zaponator]

Heh. Neat.

[Full-time_Introvert]

Hey. You hungry as I am?”
“Meh... I'll vomit up something later.”

[Misspegasister_]

“Meh... I'll vomit up something later.”

Ayewwww

[ThePonyWriterThing]