Buck That Noise
As Twerp and Mob were put down for a nap after a huge feeding - and Tucker relaxed as much as possible so as to avoid slipping into a coma - a sudden crash nearly jostled everyone awake. "Blarg!" Ferdy demanded angrily, her claw-like grippers shifting to be even sharper and more claw like, plainly ready to tear whoever caused that crash to pieces if they awoke the infants.
"My bad!" Sarge called out apologetically from the distance. "I ordered a ship! Didn't expect it to get here so fast!"
"And...why did you order a ship?" Church asked, once more in human form and back in his armor. It had taken him a bit to get all the water out after he and Texas somehow got doused in a bucket of water, only for Texas to chase after something he couldn't see while snarling in rage.
"Because we're trying to bribe Maud with Love and Snuggles!" Sarge insisted logically, if it could be called that. He calmly turned to walk towards the craft, moving towards the back to investigate the interior.
Church stared after him for a time, then turned to Simmons and Grif. "...why?" he asked in confusion.
"He already explained it to us once, and it still doesn't make sense," Grif allowed ruefully.
"And that explanation was?" Church pressed.
"He said that according to his research, a 'ship' always contained enormous amounts of love, snuggles, cuteness, and other such things that could be used to bribe Maud to work for us instead of you guys," Simmons allowed uncertainly. "Though for some reason he asked Command for a 'Size T or lower', whatever that meant, as anything bigger would have been 'USFM'. I honestly have no idea what he was talking about, and neither did command-"
"What balderdash!" Sarge suddenly declared from the ship's cargo bay entrance. "This ship is empty! Inconceivable! Fanfiction has lied to me! Lied!"
"And now it makes sense," Grif groaned ruefully. "I wondered just what sort of 'research' he'd done..."
"Well, now we have a ship," Church observed thoughtfully.
"Uh, correction," Simmons pointed out. "We have a ship. Just because Sarge was being Sarge about it doesn't make it any less true that it was ordered by - and for - Red troops."
"Dibs," Maud suddenly spoke up from atop the ship.
"Or it's a Freelancer ship because nobody's going to try and take it away from Maud without her permission," Church pointed out logically.
"Did someone just call dibs on my ship?" Sarge demanded as he stepped out. "Outrageous! I already set foot in it so-"
"Dibs," Maud interrupted calmly, glancing down at Sarge from atop the ship.
"I hope you'll forgive the trespass," Sarge apologized sincerely. "I don't know what came over me trespassing on your property, Maud. Please forgive me?"
"Okay," Maud allowed readily.
"I have achieved equine forgiveness!" Sarge declared as he raced off towards Red Base, firing into the air in excitement. "Victory is assured! Suck lead, Blues, I have become favorite!"
"Wait, did I hear someone say something about horses?" a feminine voice called out from inside the ship.
"There's someone inside...and Sarge missed that," Church observed dryly. "Somehow, I feel like I should be surprised, but I'm not."
"Wait, I know that voice..." Grif spoke up in shock. "Kaikaina?"
A figure in yellow armor rushed out of the ship. "Dexter?" the figure demanded in surprise. "Is that you, big bro? What the fu-"
"LANGUAGE!" Sarge roared from the distance.
"-are you doing here?" the woman continued, ignoring the shout save for its effect in censoring her speech.
"Go home, sis," Grif responded firmly.
"Fu-"
"LANGUAGE!"
"-that!" Kaikaina countered firmly. "You don't think I joined the army and rode a spaceship all the way out here just to turn around because you are getting overprotective again. I'm here to fu-"
"LANGUAGE!"
"-some sh-"
"LANGUAGE!"
"-up! Now who's the wanna be Captain acting like my grandma?"
"That would be Sarge," Simmons explained calmly. "And he's calling you on swearing because there are three underage individuals here, one of them being an adorable equine engine of destruction he believes to be the focus of the conflict of this canyon, and he doesn't welcome swearing in front of kids."
Kaikaina gave Simmons a 'look' that was somehow visible through the helmet. "You're fu-"
"LANGUAGE!"
"-ing sh-"
"LANGUAGE!"
"-ing me! There is no way there's some sort of talking walking pony disaster here that I have to worry about cursing in front of!"
"Hi," Maud stated calmly from the top of the ship. "My name is Maud."
Kaikaina turned to look up at Maud. "...well you're fu-"
"LANGUAGE!"
"-ing adorable. Good for you! Now why in seven he-"
"LANGUAGE!"
"-would he think you're the focus of this conflict?"
Maud calmly hopped down from the top of the ship before hefting it up in one hoof. "I'm going to go park this somewhere safer," she stated calmly.
Kaikaina stared, stunned. "Well fu-"
"LANGUAGE!"
"-me sideways with a dozen di-"
"LANGUAGE!"
Kaikaina spun towards Sarge. "I WILL SAY WHATEVER THE HELL I FUCKING WANT AND YOU WON'T STOP ME!" she snarled angrily.
"Not when the pony or the baby aliens are near enough to hear you won't!" Sarge snapped as he approached. "Nobody teaches the babies bad words on my watch! It's just not kosher, you hear?"
"But I just swore in front of-" Turning, Kaikaina saw that Maud and the ship were both gone. "...fuck me..."
"Please stop saying that, Sister," Grif groaned irritably. "Tucker might actually take you up on it."
"If he's any good in bed, I wouldn't mind," Sister responded readily. "I've been on that ship for months, and I couldn't take my armor off because of some atmospheric issues. Do you know how long it's been since I last-"
"And just like that, I've heard too much," Simmons groaned as he clutched his head. "If you guys need me, I'll be tending the singing, blood drinking plant monstrosity in my garden and hoping it gets off rap for five seconds."
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10443410
Your wish, granted.
I wonder how long until Sister makes a mistake and gets beat up by Maud?
I had actually lost track of where we were with this story. And on that note, I never did do that deep dive into RvB I was planning on.
(reads what all happened) well ........... that jest happened. can we get more crazy??
im surprised church wasn't getting mad for sister swearing in front of maud
FINALLY!!!!!
... Right.
... I do not know what that means.
I see.
Perfect logic.
It's true.
That. That is why.
Audrey?
10449648
10 minutes tops.
... I totally forgot Grif's sister was a character in RvB.
10449692
USFM likely means UnSafe For Maud.
Great to see an update for this fic! Sarge yelling LANGUAGE to censor Kaikaina‘a foul mouth until Maud was out of hearing range was great, especially his reasons. Will Tex eventually enforce the rules with a bar of soap if she doesn’t moderate herself???
I also loved Sarge’s reasoning for ordering a ship, pure gold!
I can’t wait to read more!!
Glad to see this return, and loving the dry wit on display.
Ah so nice to see this resume. Was waiting for this.
god i love this fic, i was waiting for sister to arrive and i was not disappointed. i wonder what magic she'll get?
Oh, awesome to see this puppy come back to life. I always love hearing the utter neutrality of Maud in my head compared to the crazy of everybody else. I'm just a little disappointed we didn't get to hear from Caboose (is he there? Did something happen and he's elsewhere? I don't remember!). I will admit, I also don't quite remember who Twerp and Mob were, either, but I think I've got an idea.
Hope to see more soon (-ish, 'cuz let's be realistic)!
10449855
Caboose is watching over the sleeping Twerp and Mob, Tucker and Ferdy's alien babies.
10449667
It's PWNY. And RvB. Pretty sure the answer is yes.
I find it funny how quickly Sarge's attitude changes once Maud speaks. Keep it going.
...Oh My God, I just realized Sarge misinterpreted the term 'Ship' to mean a literal vessel, not the arrangement of two characters in a romantic setting.
'Size T or Lower' 'USFM (UnSafe For Maud)' he wanted a Teen rated Ship because anything higher would most likely have sex involved.
What a great read to start a day! Thank you sir!
(Comes in the room by bashing the door down; removes some shades and stares at the screen intensely) Your finally back, you sonna va bitch! TIME FOR MORE RVB PONY ACTION!
10449889
more crazy. that's always fun.
Ah, and we got the whole gang from the canyon together, now all we're missing is Carolina and Washington, but I know those two won't make an appearance any time soon.
Oh. THAT kind of ship.
To quote MagpiePony (playing Pinkie Pie)
"I go where I please, B*tch!"
Also, someone needs to putt somemoney in the swear jar, seems like.
Imagining Maud calling diva on the ship brings smile to my lips. A d Suster swearing, yeah not going to keep Maud from hearing it. Hell Church was only slightly less then sister.
10450006
wait until we get the people trying to kill texas area im pretty sure by that point mauds gonna have such a high body count that shes second only to he younger adorable idiot brother
Ah, good to see this back! Another chapter in Blood Gulch's slow but inevitable transformation into the Shivering Isles.
10449917
Well he failed on that account, since Kaikaina is hardly rated "T".
10449714
10 MINUTES? pfft screw that. My money's on 10 seconds.
10450124
yeah. that much will be true.
10449878
Yeah, I had a feeling (re: Twerp & Mob). And it makes sense Caboose is playing babysitter.
10449692
Why do I get the feeling Apple Bloom has something to do with Simmons getting Audrey?
Matter of fact, Is this Audrey the II, or Audrey the IV?
I can't tell you how much I appreciated this story updating. It was nice to be able to genuinely laugh again, as for the last few months I've had precious little reason to. I urge the author to keep up the good work. Also, I find it absolutely hilarious that "Maud" has replaced "God" in this story's dialog. (Adopts accent of a southern televangelist.) PRAISE MAUD!! FOR ONLY IN THE POWER OF THE ALMIGHTY PONY SHALL YE FIND SALVATION! PRAISE BE TO MAUD MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS! HALLELUJAH!
And let's be honest, would you rather worship an adorable reality warping pony, or some wannabe Zeus knockoff sitting on a cloud doing f@&% all?
10450529
Unless AB is responsible for the booze that started him on the Drunk science I think she is completely innocent here, also wouldn't it be Audrey III not Audrey IV or did I miss another Audrey in one of the other stories?
10450196
Wait if Maud called dibs on the ship and anything in it doesn't tat mean she has dibs on sis?
10449692
Makes as much sense as anything there though I find sis being hilarious in how she takes to Maud
10450227
Yup and that's not counting the knock off clones that both teams beat in a fight or the rather scary fact she would make the most scary freelancers run in fear/once doc has omega and he's stuck in a wall secnario he just laughs and goes well this is the second hardest time I have been embedded into a rock
10450724
so true on that. but we are talking about maud here after all.
Sarge's censoring would be the best part of this chapter
10450635
it's II in the original work, III in AB's thing
Ooh ooh ooh you could have Simmons put a sensor into sister’s helmet like engineer did for fluttershy, it would be hilarious
10450529
Audrey IV, I think. Audrey II wasn't really a rapper.
10455467
ahhh, been awhile since I last read that part
Why did I just die when I read the word Kosher?
And why did I read it in Muta's voice from Some Ordinary Gamers?
10449855
....Someone draw this. It sounds adorable
Thank you I have missed sarge and his antics.
I was wondering if Locus would find it in his soldier heart to fire on Maud... before I realized that was pretty sadistic to even think about.
Either way, Maud could most likely easily land a blow on Felix.
YAY AND WHEN WILL THE NEXT CHAPTER COME OUT!?