Impossibilities
Maud glanced back and forth between her Dad and the Red called Sarge. Sarge seemed to be rolling on the ground still clutching at his heel, the pain not having faded. Her Dad appeared to find this amusing, but also was being kind enough to dispense medical advice, if somewhat mean-spiritedly. At least, she assumed that's what he meant by loudly declaring, "Suck it, Red!" between bouts of laughter. She wondered if the suits they wore were actually flexible enough to allow Sarge to suck on his heel. Somehow she doubted it.
However, she was rapidly growing bored of watching them since nothing was happening. As such, she turned to see what she could work on in regard to her cave. She stepped inside the small indentation into the rock, just out of sight of her Dad and Sarge...
And found herself in Blue Base. That was odd. Closer inspection revealed it was not, in fact, Blue Base. The floor plan had identical dimensions to every room...but it was as though someone had placed a mirror in front of Blue Base and built the reflection to the exact detail, complete with putting it on nearly identical rock. Closer examination suggested it was at the opposite side of the canyon. The three nearby lockers - one overflowing with junk food and other things and barely holding shut, one so spotlessly immaculate it looked like it had just been manufactured, and one simply labeled 'Sarge' - confirmed her suspicions. Somehow, she was in Red Base.
This was worrisome.
Two soldiers, one in red armor the other in orange, walked through the halls of Red Base. "Hey," the one in red spoke up. "You ever wonder why we're here?"
"It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?" the orange clad troop responded weightily. "Why are we here? I mean...are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Some grand plan? The whims of a mad god piecing together a cohesive world from disparate fragments of others? Do we even matter-"
"I meant more immediately," the red soldier interrupted. "Out here in this canyon."
"Oh, right," the orange soldier replied. "Yeah, no idea."
"...what was all that about god and a plan?" the red soldier asked curiously.
"Nothing, never mind," the orange soldier countered swiftly.
"Do you want to talk about it?" the red soldier inquired gently.
"Not really, Simmons," the orange soldier stated flatly. "...I think I'll just grab something out of my locker. As long as Sarge isn't here, I'm taking it easy."
"You realize that just gets us both in trouble, right Grif?" Simmons demanded crossly.
"Pretty sure we're already at the bottom of the bottom as far as being Reds," Grif countered readily. "If there's no way we can go any lower, we should just enjoy what we can at the bottom."
"Alternatively, we could do our best and try to climb back up," Simmons countered intensely.
"Have fun with that," Grif responded jokingly. "I'd say you're already in trouble for the pony that broke your perimeter. Sarge did leave you in charge of perimeter security, after all."
"Pony?" Simmons demanded crossly. "What pony?"
"Me."
Simmons glanced down and caught sight of Maud staring up at him from the floor. "Grif, there's a talking pony in the base!" he declared excitedly. "How did that happen?"
"You're asking me?" Grif demanded in surprise. "I thought I was making it up to mess with you!"
"How did you get in here?" Simmons demanded angrily.
"I stepped into my cave, and then I was here," Maud replied calmly. "It is very strange."
"You're saying you teleported?" Simmons demanded disdainfully. "I doubt that. The teleporter atop the base is still in the experimental stages, and is barely understood. The very idea of a being with a natural teleportation ability...that just doesn't seem biologically possible!" Turning away, he opened his locker to find Maud staring at him from the top shelf. "WAAUGH!"
"You don't seem biologically possible," Maud murmured softly.
"Was...was that a burn?" Grif asked in surprise. "Did she just burn you?"
"I was speaking to you," Maud responded flatly.
"How did you get up there?" Simmons demanded in shock.
"I don't know," Maud responded flatly. "I don't like it. I want Dad."
Simmons shook his head. "Look, I don't even know what you are, let alone-" He turned away as he spoke, only to catch sight of Maud standing in front of Grif's locker. "Wha?"
"I want Dad," Maud repeated firmly.
"I told you, I don't-" Simmons began.
Maud lashed out with her hind legs, kicking Grif's locker. It flew back, driving through several walls on its upward trajectory before vanishing into the sky. In the distance, a satellite - one of its stabilizing wings torn off - dropped to the ground in a fiery ball of death. "I. Want. Dad."
"...that doesn't seem physically possible..." Simmons whimpered in fear.
"Simmons," Grif began carefully, "as loath as I am to suggest working hard, I think we should drop everything and find her Dad before we learn what else she can do that should be physically impossible...say, to us?"
"I'd say that's a very good idea, Grif," Simmons agreed fearfully. "Now my little pony-"
"Not your little pony!" Maud snapped angrily, stomping her hoof down. A crack raced through the floor to the nearby door, causing it to slowly teeter over and fall flat to the ground.
Framed in the doorway was Church, clutching the bruised and battered body of Sarge, still in his armor. "Alright you Red asps!" he snapped out angrily. "One of you is responsible for making my daughter go missing, so one of you start talking before I start beating the tar out of you using your commander as a bludgeon!"
"She teleported!" Simmons squealed in fear. "Please don't hurt me! She's right here!"
"Dad," Maud spoke up warmly, looking up at Church with the smallest of smiles.
"What 'n Helllllllllll's name is going on here?" Sarge managed to groan out, stretching out the word as he spotted Maud. "Hel being the Norse Goddess of the Dead, and short for Helheim, the Norse Underworld. Not a bad word, and totally alright to swear by if you're of Nordic descent, and you can't prove I'm not at least 5% Nordic!" He then slumped to the ground in a groaning, immobile heap as Church released him.
"Maud, I was so worried about you!" Church spoke up in relief, reaching forward to scoop her up. His unarmored hand was crumpled, dripping blood and the fragments of the bones of his fingers, not that he seemed to notice. His armored hand also dripped blood and bone fragments, but those were plainly someone else's based on the holes in Sarge's armor. "Don't you go running off like that again! Why did you vanish on me like that anyway?"
"I did not know I could," Maud answered flatly, nuzzling into his faceplate.
"Then I guess I'll just have to keep a closer eye on you," Church responded warmly as he turned to walk her back to Blue Base.
Grif and Simmons stayed out of his way. "...Grif?"
"Yeah, Simmons?"
"...did you see his hand?"
"No, and I'm doing my best to keep it that way so I can eat later," Grif insisted firmly.
"But it was so-"
"Not thinking about it!" Grif interrupted.
"How was he not in agony?" Simmons demanded.
"Sheer...nerve..." Sarge managed to gasp out. "A true soldier...can work through...any pain! And no soldier...is as strong...as the angry wolf..."
"OHMYGOD!" Church's shout echoed throughout the canyon. "Why does my hand hurt so much?"
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I get the feeling, (and this is from what I have seen in your other stories where they ended up better than the original source material) that things in this story will be MUCH better, and in a lot of cases MUCH funnier, than the original RVB.
The best part is Sarge would choose to be used to bash Griff happily.
And now we see that Maud and Pinkie aren't so different. I can't wait to see what else Maud gets up to.
Okay, so, she's definitely Pinkie's sister, though she should probably take more care when using the step-through-space ability.
8396665
Once she learns how to control it.
Maybe it's a Pie thing.
Nice reference to an auft forgotten deitie, who just happens to be my second favourite from the Norse Mythos. My favourite being her literal giant wolf of a brother Fenrir. Loki's kids are weird.
Got to hand it to Church, he handled that situation bloody well.
I thoiught Church was a A.I. How is he human?
8396715
Watch Season...I believe 13 or 14 is the one that explains all the background information...specifically about what really happened to 'Private Jimmy'.
8396675
And, don't forget Loki was the mother of Sleipnir, Odin's personal (was it eight-legged or six-legged?) warhorse!
0oo Is it bad that I now want to see Maud fighting the Meta? Is it wrong that I think she would be the only one capable of beating him in a one-on-one fight, even with all his armor enhancements?
8396723 Most of which doesn't seem physically possible...
And then she beat him to death with his own skull!
I'm gonna love this story.
*finished watching Red Vs Blue*
Ya, nothing can beat that for comedy!
*sees Rock in the Gulch*
.... I stand corrected.
8396723
Season 13 was the end of the Chorus trilogy, so It's season 14. Episode 4, to be specific.
Best.
8396675
Loki is weird... Period...
Holy... an exclamation point? Did Maud just show true anger?
If the reds catch her like that again they're gonna be fuuuuuuuuussing over who has to deal with her.
I keep thinking about what will happen when and if Maud finds Tucker's rock. Pretty sure the guy is going to get shot or punched in the tenders for it.
8396675
She's not as forgotten as she once was. She's the big bad in the new Thor movie. She broke his hammer....
So... exactly HOW is Grif not biologically possible?
That doesn't sound like Church.
This on the other hand, does.
Aw, Simmons, you ruined his monologue!
Of course you would.
Eh, your burn against Discord was funnier.
... Welp.
That may be the smartest thing you've said.
OK, that pisses her off real quick.
I don't doubt that he'd do it.
You know, he's not wrong. He's completely insane, but he is correct.
YIKES. May wanna get a medic.
That is deceptively smart of you.
While that may be true, also delayed reaction.
Well, Sarge's fun is going down to shitaki mushroom! The eleventh best pizza topping.
This, this is what My Little Pony should of been
8396777
That doesn't seem physically possible.
8396904
A diet consisting entirely of snack foods starting with vowels over the course of several years. Mostly Oreos. Evidence found from the following quote.
Dounut (Talking about his new fad diet): "I only eat foods that start with vowels. For breakfast, eggs, and Oreos. Lunch, asparagus!... and Oreos!"
Griff: "Holy crap! I've been on that diet for years! I had no idea I was so healthy! I even managed to cut out all the eggs! And I don't even know what asparagus is..."
8396989
That's exactly what he said.
MAUD CAN TELEPORT?!?!
WHY? HOW? I don't see how-... (remembers she's related to Pinkie Pie)
Oh. Right...... I'll just.... go into the corner of shame for forgetting such an important detail....
There is room for others...
8396989
Related to Pinkie.
Jesus christ! I knew Maud is as strong as an Ox (except no horns or lumberjack friends), but I didn't think she'd be THAT strong to buck Grif's locker out into space! She's gonna give Tex and even Caboose's strength a run for their money.
8396904
Well according to supplementary information he's really fucking fat and gross. As in "hasn't left that armor to bath since he put it on and is so fat he should need armor double the size he is wearing" gross.
8396663
NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE HAVE I EVER FELT SO DEFEATED YET REJUVENATED!
8396674
Pinkie Sense is confirmed to be a genetic trait, why not the teleportation
Welp, after this incident I'll bet my arseeeeeeeenal* that sarge will try and find eighter a counter to or a copy of this weaponized cuteness for the glorious red cause.
*Arsenal refering to a large amount of weapons and/or armour to use, making it totally an item of worth betting and is certainly not a bad word.
To reiterate, once the timelines converge, Church will technically be related to Kratos, as if that's not crazy in of its own.
But, here's where it gets weird.
If Pinkie and Maud really are related to the Apple clan, then suddenly, Church and Kratos are related to, in order of least weird to most are:
1. A chi wielding old man, his Kung Fu using nephew, and his great niece.
2. A stylish half demon, half human demon hunter with a love for pizza and strawberry sundaes, and his stoic twin brother who uses a sword that cuts through dimensions and Nero.
3. A blithering idiot alien who loves to fight, his genius yet anger filled son, a brother that we don't know much about yet, a human woman who'd probably jam as much knowledge as possible into Big Mac, and the Ox King.
One more thing!
Uncle Chan also raised Sweetie Belle, so Church is also related to Batman too.
Methinks that this family tree will be a major source of jokes once the big crossover happens.
3.
I can see it now in the future.
Griff: hey sarge.
Sarge: yes griff?
Griff: do you know where the pick ax is?
Sarge: ......... can I ask why you need it??
Griff: simple. to dig up rocks.
Sarge: huh????
Griff: from what you told us that maud eats rocks. so I'm gonna dig up some for her to eat incase she comes here again to calm her down.
Sarge: .......... & why in same hill would you do that?!?!
Griff: so that we all don't die by a pony. namely me.
Sarge: ......... this is probably a good idea. yet it came from you griff.
Griff: yeah. so..??
Sarge: I'm so darn conflicted right now!!!!!!!!!!!
8397550
Uncle also raised Scootaloo, who is Rainbow's adopted little sister (official or otherwise), which means Church is also related to Tony Stark.
8397573
Jesus Christ, Church is going to go nuts trying to make sense of his eventual family tree.
At least one of those moments being 'Holy shit! I'm related to Batman! Hell yes!'
8397648
Maud: Hell?
Church: I mean...Hel yes?
Rainbow: Why are you swearing by that bitch?
Church: Isn't that insensitive?
Rainbow: Not when you know her personally.
Church: Er, I mean...aww, crap baskests.
Big Mac: Oh, you say that too.
8397685
Oh, just a refresher, do Spike and Rarity become a thing during the Metroid crossover?
Because if that is true, then suddenly, Ratchet and Clank and Samus Aran are related to the mess of a family tree.
And somewhere, both Sam and Max and Deadpool will decide that they want in somehow, just to screw with the tree even further, because why not?
8397700
It's heavily implied that Spike gets together with Rarity, Ember, and Gandrayda.
8397722
Add onto the fact that Rainbow is the Dradic god of destruction and suddenly, everyone in this mess of a family tree is also related to the Dradic gods and goddesses and by extension, Discord.
I can see Pinkie try to make sense of it, fail, have her brain fly out on jet engines, say goodbye, explode and force Pinkie into Rabbid mode, complete with 'BWAAAAAAAAH!!!', red eyes and optional toilet plunger.
8397796
Oh, and Shining Armor and Candance end up in the mix.
Jak and Dexter, and the Fire Nation's nobility are in the family tree of Discord's creation (accidental as it may be [patent pending].)
8396870
Wanna bet?
8397722
8397849
(Sorry for all the gory imagery in advance, I just felt it was the only way to properly portray how I felt after reading the discussion of the Pwny family tree)
8396989
That's what he said too!
8397979
And that's only when the actual event happens. Who knows what romantic plots happens during the big event? For all we know, Max and Maud could decide to date or something and Deadpool decides to go for Sister, and might actually score (to Grif's eternal disgust and horror.)
Technically, its Jimmy's hands that hurt so much.
Another enjoyable chapter. Good job.