Jumping Around
Omega groaned as he found himself in a darkened chamber, filled with bubbling beakers, sparking Tesla coils, blinking lights, swooping scanners, and a machine that went 'Ping!' for unknown reasons at a regular basis. "Okay," he grumbled darkly as he managed to stand upright. "I am getting sick and tired of these mother-f*cking ponies in this mother-f*cking canyon!" He managed - barely - to steady himself against a darkened wall.
"Oh, you and me both, no matter how cute she is," a feminine voice offered playfully. "Well, the big me is anyway. Personally, I can't get enough of her and what she does for my...research."
Omega nervously raised his head, seeing only a shock of red, spiky hair sticking over a table covered in scientific and medical equipment, and a few things that definitely looked like weapons. He found himself especially nervous about the wheel-mounted weapon with the grasping and twisting apparatus held at adult-human waist height. "Whose head did I end up in?" he asked worriedly as he staggered backwards.
The spiky red hair let out a girlish giggle and moved around the table...revealing a tiny, maroon-armored soldier under said hair.
"...Simmons?" Omega asked in confusion.
"Not entirely," the figure allowed in the girlish voice. "Just a piece. See, the big me can't really handle what Maud does to known science, logic, and reason...so he dealt with it by not dealing. Big me takes care of running the body when all we have to do is obey orders. But when we have to do something that he can't make sense of, he gets drunk...and then I take over." The figure giggled wickedly. "You can call me...Little Simmy."
"So...you are the source of the drunk science?" Omega pressed, now moving back even further.
"Yup!" Little Simmy declared happily as - plainly she, for some reason - stepped forward. "I really wish Big Me hadn't disconnected the Grif-kicker. Not only was Grif almost at the max. res. point, but it'd nearly generated enough power to activate the circulating power source for the anti-matter cannon I hid under the base! Now I'll need to find a way to charge it all over again!" She rested a hand on the weapon Omega had felt nervous about. "Still, maybe I'll get to build the Torsion Turbine next..."
"Please keep that thing away from me," Omega pleaded worriedly as he actively sought an open comm channel to escape through.
Little Simmy's eyes lit up under the helmet. "I never thought about hooking it up to a thought projection to generate ambient energy! That just might work!" She turned towards Omega. "Though to be sure, I'll need to take a few..." With a snap of fingers, a very tight fitting nurse outfit shaped around the figure's maroon armor. "...samples." Plastic gloves were carefully pulled on over armored ones.
"Nope nope nope nope nope-" Omega began to chant as his search became more desperate.
"Now don't be like that!" Little Simmy pouted. "I have magic fingers...literally."
"OUT OF HERE!" Omega screamed as he found an open comm channel...just as Church and Texas ghosted in.
Church and Texas stared at Little Simmy. "...I really don't want to know what the story here is, do I?" Church asked worriedly.
"...no, you do not," Little Simmy confirmed.
Omega found himself standing in a city with tall buildings surrounded by even taller walls. "Here's hoping this is less traumatizing-" he began, only to be cut off.
"They're coming!" Sarge suddenly screamed out as strange devices attached to his hips launched grappling hooks to pull him to the roof of the nearest building. The other Reds and Blues used similar devices to get to other heights as some pulled out guns, others swords, others giant hammers...and in Grif's case, a giant carrot.
A massive laser blast punched through several of the massive walls, tearing them down as holes were kicked in others by giant hooves that were half machine, half flesh. Gigantic M.A.U.D.-bots that towered over the buildings nearly to the height of the walls marched into the city slowly, knocking buildings over and reaching down to grasp people...only to eat them.
"...next?" Omega asked morosely as he moved himself into position under one of the approaching hooves to be crushed under it, a sure way to eject himself from this mind and into the next one. Just before he was crushed, he grumbled, "Last I checked, I was rage, not depression..."
Omega found himself standing in some sort of wasteland, at first glance looking like it had never had any sort of life in it. As a large chunk of masonry barely missed his head, he realized that no, this was a place that once had a great deal of life in it that had been obliterated by some sort of battle. "Okay, whoever's brain this is, I need to get a foothold before trying to take over," he deduced as he rushed for cover.
"Yeah, that works," Grif said calmly as he leaned against a rock lazily. For some reason, he was wearing a bath-towel as a cape, a white belt over his orange armor, red boots and gloves, and a bald cap over his helmet. "Honestly as fun as this fight is, it's starting to get kind of stale. There's only so many ways we can clash. Still...I'll beat him someday."
Omega stared at him worriedly. "So...who are you fighting-"
Something slammed into the dirt behind Omega. Turning, he saw Tucker...who wore a red cape and had a red T emblazoned on his chest plate for some reason. "Who gave you permission to take a break in this battle, Grif Baldy!" he snapped out angrily. "There are no breaks in a life-and-death battle!"
"It's me, Tuckerman," Grif - or 'Grif Baldy', apparently - stated in a bored tone. "You really expect me not to take a break?"
"There is an invader!" Tuckerman declared imperiously.
"Oh, new competition!" Grif Baldy pointed out, picking up Omega. "Bitch tossing." He hurled Omega at Tuckerman like a missile.
"I'll toss you, bitch!" Tuckerman snapped as he punched Omega into the nearest mountain.
"Bow-chicka-" Omega lost track of whatever Grif Baldy was going to say next as he slammed face first into a mountain at terminal velocity and was forcefully ejected from the mindscape.
"Okay," Church gasped out as he and Texas arrived in a new mindscape. "I think we finally managed to catch up to Omega. It feels like he's still in here, and not in control."
"I'm still impressed you can feel that," Texas mused thoughtfully. "You're more useful than I first thought. Any idea whose mind it is?"
"Well-" Church cut himself off as a tall, voluptuous woman clad in only a few leaves, her own hair, and enough 'tribal' designs to leave a tattoo parlor in the black for a year walked by carrying a large basket of fruit. "Call it a hunch, but I think Tucker's."
"...when did Tucker visit the Planet of the Man Eaters?" Texas asked curiously, staring after the woman.
"Eh?" Church asked in confusion.
"I recognize the tribal designs," Texas explained. "Those are from the tribe that live around the spaceport on that world."
"...cannibalistic space amazons?" Church clarified. "Flowers sent Tucker there on shore leave as a 'reward' for good performance once."
Texas chuckled darkly. "Yeah, that sounds like him," she murmured cryptically.
"You knew Captain Flowers?" Church asked in surprise.
"Somewhat," Texas allowed. "Now where-" Her voice cut off.
Tucker was lounging upon a throne, several of the 'amazons' tending him, whether feeding him grapes, fanning him, or simply leaning pressed up against him in a pleasing manner. "Oh, hey you two!" he called out happily. "Welcome to my paradise!"
"So...how did you keep them from wanting you to be dinner?" Church asked curiously.
"I brought them dinner!" Tucker explained, gesturing to where Grif was slowly roasting over a spit.
"It's no big deal," Grif offered happily. "Given how fat I am and how quickly I've shown to recover from injury, I wager they could carve chunks off me for a year before I'm in danger of taking permanent damage...especially if they keep stuffing apples in my mouth." One of the 'amazons' promptly stuffed an apple in Grif's mouth...one that was oddly square before he ate it up.
"Oh, and then there's that guy," Tucker added, gesturing to where Omega was turning over a second spit. "He should be good for a day or two. In the meantime, some of these girls seem to think I can be 'tenderized' into submission and eating with enough effort." One of the 'amazons' he'd gestured to as he said that promptly straddled his lap. "Who am I to complain?"
"Shit this fuck, I'm out!" Omega declared angrily as he jumped into an open communications channel.
"...that seems eminently sensible," Church admitted thoughtfully. "Let's hope the next mindscape is more kid friendly."
"Yeah, I don't wanna see how big Tucker thinks he is," Texas agreed. "Somehow I doubt he's given any thought to the actual physics of that and coitus. Few men do when fantasizing." Church and Texas both promptly mind-jumped.
"...what was that supposed to mean?" Tucker demanded crossly.
"That being - or having - a giant dick is why you can't get any?" Grif suggested impishly.
"Bite me!" Tucker snapped angrily. "Ow! Not you!"
Omega blinked as he found himself on a brightly lit stage of all places. "So here I am, the center of attention...I don't need to be Delta to figure out where this is going. Everybody get out here and attack me already!"
"Oh, we won't attack you!" Donut promised as he stepped out, the upper half of his armor painted green for some reason. "You're going to be part of an epic performance! One where we explain to everyone why we are the greatest!"
"...we?" Omega asked nervously as he saw all the Reds and Blues tromp out in step, their chest plates also painted green, before forming up in a line in front of him with Sarge and Donut in front. And then a trumpet blared from somewhere in a polka tune as Sarge noisily cleared his throat.
"We're men!" the group sang out, pumping their right fists across their chests in unison. "In powered mail!" They all clashed their clenched fist into their chest plates. Caboose took a step forward and tripped, somehow turning the trip into a triple forward somersault as the others sang out, "We make an epic win out of an epic fail!
"We're men!" they declared again, putting fists on hips and thrusting out their chests. "In Magic Steel!" Their armor glowed with an inner light. "What our fists don't crush-" Clenched fists clashed into open palms. "Our bleeding hearts-" Hands clasped over their chests. "-will feel!" They let out heartfelt sighs.
"We may act like mo~rons!" they declared as they attempted to precision march only to clock heads, before turning to glower at Omega. "But cross us and we'll give you our lefts and rights!" Somehow, every single one of them delivered a left and right cross to Omega's chin on 'lefts' and 'rights' respectively.
As Omega staggered, the soldiers marched in a circle around him as they continued to sing. "We're men...in Spartan Suits! Wherever we are, we'll stay true to our Blood Gulch roots!"
To Omega's surprise, all of the soldiers squatted down and proceeded to engage in what was colloquially known as the 'Russian Hat Dance'.
Nah nah nah, nanananana-HEY!
Nah nah nah, nanananana-HEY!
Nah nah nah, nanananana-HEY!
This wouldn't have been so bad, except on each 'Hey!', every single one of them - somehow - managed to kick Omega in the dick.
I didn't even know I had one of those, Omega whimpered mentally as he clutched at himself.
"We're Men!" Donut and Sarge sang out.
"Manly Men!" the others echoed.
"Of Red and Blue!" Sarge and Church declared together.
"It's Blue and Red!" Caboose complained.
All the soldiers spun their guns through the air to someone else as they sang, "If you're not our friend, then we'll be the death of you!" Every gun was pointed at Omega...except for the one Caboose had tossed Grif, which bounced off Grif's head...and the one Grif had tossed Caboose, which he was holding backwards.
"We're Men!" they all sang out as they ratcheted a round into the chamber as the real Church and Texas arrived. "Of Manly Hues!" Grabbing hold of Omega, the group tossed him bodily into the nearest wall. "We always win, 'cause we don't know how to lose!
"We may look like id~iots!" they sang as they marched towards Omega. "But watch what you say-" They pointed accusingly at Omega. "Cause we've got a pony that fights!" They pointed skyward, where a massive Maud glared down at Omega, the stare seeming to intensify.
"We're Men!" Once more the group marched in a circle, winding up with the teams arranged Red and Blue in alternating sequence. "In armored tights!"
"Tight tights!" Donut declared as he pulled up on the pink portion of his armor as though giving himself a wedgie.
"Wherever we go, we're always getting into fights!" the group sang out as they moved towards a crescendo. "And if you cross us, we'll make you regret it cock-biiiite! HOO-RAH!" On 'Hoo-rah', every single one of them opened fire on Omega, blasting him to bits and out of the mindscape.
"Encore!" Texas called out excitedly as she clapped. "Encore!"
For some reason, Church suddenly blazed pink, only for the pink glow to leave him. "The fuck was that?" he asked in confusion. "...did I just swear uncensored?"
Texas froze. "...Maud!" she gasped out, immediately ghosting out.
Omega found himself in Blood Gulch...except it was also a farm, even though he couldn't see any crops. Not only that, everyone from Blood Gulch was represented as...a pony. "So now I'm in the pony's mind?" he asked incredulously. "Well, I'll find a way to take over! Not only is she uniquely capable, but nobody would dare attack her to get to me, both to avoid hurting her and because they're terrified of her!" He began to laugh maniacally.
"YOU!" Church's voice snapped out as a pink blaze slammed into Omega from behind, sending him flying across the landscape, losing armor on the way.
"What the-" Omega began, only for the pink blaze to hit him from below and into the sky.
"DO!"
"...ow..." Omega whimpered...only for a cloud to turn pink and punch him in the face, sending him flying through the sky.
"NOT!"
Something slammed into Omega, ripping his armor from his body as it sent him tumbling.
"HURT!"
A barrage of blows slammed into his unprotected form, leaving Omega hanging limp.
"MY!" Omega found him sent upward once more.
"LITTLE!" Omega found himself slammed down towards the ground.
"PONY!" A bright pink Church slammed Omega into his knee, shattering his spine with the blow.
"W...we're data constructs..." Omega managed to gasp out through the excruciating pain. "How can...you do...this?" He found himself staring up into an unpitying gaze...without a face under the faceplate. "You...you're a fragment...what are you? You're not one...I know..."
"Call me Pi," the Fragment responded as Texas appeared in the mindscape, staring in awe as she felt the power this piece of Church brought to bear. "The Parenting Instinct. Well, only the paternal aspect. Now that I'm here and Texas has visited, a Maternal one will likely pop up."
"How can...you do...this?" Omega gasped out.
"I'm Pink Pi-D," Pi declared firmly as he balled Omega up into a tiny ball. "DON'T QUESTION IT!" Turning, he booted Omega clear out of Maud's mind. He then brushed off his hands. "Well, he won't be coming back in here anytime soon...and as long as Church and Texas are out there - you are going back out, right?" Texas nodded rapidly. "Well, Maud doesn't need me in here and out there...hmm, what can I-oh!" He walked over to one of the walls of the farmhouse, marked with a 4. Pulling it back, he glanced at one of many computers typing away. "Robot...ponies? No, not quite-oh! I know this timeline! Oh...hang on, I got this!" He promptly began to type messages on the computer...ones that would manifest oddly on the other side.
Texas stared in confusion. "Yeah...I think I'm done here. Hope Omega fell in one of the traps, though." She promptly ghosted out.
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well...that happened...i think...
.........................................................................pardon my language but..........oh holy fuck. We finally got the new Fragment out of Church, but it is practically a clone of PINKIE PIE!?.........................to quote Tucker...."That is honestly scary on a lot of levels dude."
*grins sadistically* but that is the BEST kind of fun for us readers. As long as WE are not on the receiving end.
In other words Tatsurou, yes I SERIOUSLY love this chapter. DEFINITELY one of the more fun ones.........Maybe the reason why this is so good is because you probably accessed YOUR "Inner Pinkie".
Amazing! I laughed so freaking hard at this!
-Dark
Wait, Church is the one who helped Octavia with her guilt trips?
Dunno about direct correlation, but it certainly has some correlation.
Oh shit, Church made a completely new fragment. I'm pretty sure that's bad. Still, I wonder how this one will act once Carolina shows up, if the rest survive the emp.
Wait... THAT'S where Octavia's friend comes from?! How could he have so convincingly acted the part of Pinkie, even IF he could tap into Maud's subconscious memories?!
Omega is too angry to reference correctly!
I GET IT!!!
Oh my gods, I think I recognize that song that Donut's mindscape was singing! Aaagggh, what WAS it?!
8775797
Close, his Fragment helped Octavia with her guilt trips.
I can officially say that this is the first time I've seen the comment that inspired something before that something popped up in the story. It's an interesting feeling.
At least I know were you got the song from this time at least.
8775810
The men in tights song from Robin Hood Men in Tights.
So deep down inside Simmons is Washu?
8775837
THAT was it, thank you!
....Huh. Just looked it up. While it's incredibly funny, part of me really wants to see if Tats' version would be funnier if put to video.
The same Pink Pi-D from Melody of the Future?
...This feels familiar...
...By Tsunami it is Washu...oh sweet Goddess....
Well this was absolutely hilarious. Once again, I'm amazed at how much more madness can be crammed into a setting like Red vs. Blue.
Concerning the 'Ping!' and Manly Men references... SQUEE!
Reading this make me question the sanity of the real show.
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY LIKES!!! So many references. The Men in Tights one... bravo! I lost myself laughing! And was the early one with the machine that goes “ping!” a particular throwback to one particular special with 10 and 11? A wibbly wobbly special of sorts?
XD GLORIOUS WE PRAISE THE FOR THY HARD LABOR!
I'm an angel of mercy Omega
It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it.
...Tats, that song, coupled with Pi, just landed you in my top 5 favorite authors.
All signs point to HELL YES!!!
Pink. Pi.
Thank you, Barbara.
Well... That was that...
The answer is a 1001% YES... Was there any doubt, Tats...?
8775863
Somehow I think so.
Great to see the Robinhood Men In Tights part found an awesome use!
No words could adequately describe how entertaining this was to read.
Glad you're having fun writing it cause I don't want it to stop any time soon
'Head meets table' Can't seam to stop laughing'
I just watched the whole history of Halo in over 4 hours and now I have to wonder if we're going to see master Chief in this rendition of this story.
Reds & Blues (after/with Maud) Vs The Meta!
Imagine how different that fight would be. Then add what would happen to the Meta if he ever hurt Maud.................
Washu runs drunk simmons. Sooooo much makes sense now.
And the expensive machine that goes ping. I love that one. Its a lease.
8776123
...........The only thing that comes to mind would be this song. And just listen to the lyrics and look at the TITLE of said song.
This was GLORIOUS.
This is my favorite fic out of all of these. I just can't get enough out of this! And we aren't even out of Season 1 yet!
Ah, clever. I need to see that movie at some point.
I'm as surprised as you.
Apparently. Also, in my mind, I can't help but imagine Android 21 in armor.
SO much nope.
What, is it gonna be Guren no Yumiya? *clicks link* Oh, yes it is, OK, we're doing this now!
You are.
Might help.
Beat who? And why are you Saitama?
Ah. That'd do it.
I'm inclined to agree.
... Huh. He, has a point.
Hopefully.
That's the beauty of fantasy.
Oh Christ.
The reference is going over my head.
Yep.
Oh you're a fool.
Ah, nice!
Oh you clever little sneak.
They do.
An amusing chapter, especially Pi. I can't wait to see where Omega ends up next and how much pain he gets in.
I actually had to walk away from my tablet for a few minutes when I read π-D's name and realized his connection to the greater PWNYverse. ...and then log in via my PC in order to type "π-D" correctly.
How much more abuse can Omega take? And if this is how bad they're PWNing Omega, what about The Meta?
8776181
Ditto.
Also, I can't help but wonder how things with Andy The Bomb, Crunchbite the (overly)friendly alien (that apparantly raped Tucker in his sleep) and Junior will go.
8776210
Junior will probably become a cousin or little brother to Maud and help her with schemes.
8776214
An enabler basically......I don't know whether to be excited to read that, or scared.
8776232
What should scare you is Junior will be small enough for a while that he can ride on Maud's back easily. This gives them lots of options, especially if they get a weapons rig for Maud that Junior can fire off while she concentrates on dodging attacks and keeping them safe.
8776207
I'm gonna calls it. The meta will somehow make Maud snap in anger and he will then become red pain smear on the ground........and frankly everywhere else for that matter
8776241
............................Well..................thanks for the nightmare fuel buddy.
Reminds me of
http://ytcropper.com/cropped/yF5a9d19b40d906
I've occasionally joked that Samuel L Jackson could sign up for a talent show, walk on stage, say "mothafucka.", walk offstage, and if not win, get a high placing. And at least a few people being like
I can see where this is going...
Maud's PI.
Pinkie PI.
You're getting an extra point for this one. For giving Omega his just desserts while having HIM being the one getting served. A delicious beatdown indeed.
Now i'm hungry.