"So those are the terms that have been added," Captain Flowers told Sarge plainly as they met under the newly crafted 'Purple Pony Truce Flag' that Doc was holding, marking the area of the canyon that was dictated to be neutral, negotiation ground. "Is this acceptable?"
"Hmm..." Sarge thought for a time. "Well, I can certainly agree that it is wrong to keep a child that young from their parent...and we will phrase it that way exactly in the agreement. At no time will Maud be prevented from seeing those she sees as parents, nor will those she dubs as parents be prevented from seeing her."
"I see you leave the door open for the possibility she might choose someone else as a parent," Flowers observed. "I somehow doubt it, but then again that is your long term objective here, isn't it?"
"Then we're in agreement?" Sarge asked firmly.
"Absolutely," Flowers agreed. "Doc's already placed orders for enough training rounds to supply both teams for quite some time, no matter what weapons we use."
"I have?" Doc asked surprised, until he saw the way Flowers was gripping his weapon. "I mean, yes, I have!" Doc had no doubt the rounds would get here, and he would just have to take credit for ordering them...for his own sake. Having been brought here by one Freelancer, he knew what one looked like...and they were terrifying.
"Now about the first match..." Flowers began carefully.
"The day after the ammunition arrives and is distributed!" Sarge declared firmly.
"That...doesn't give the troops much time to train..." Flowers pointed out.
"They had their basic training!" Sarge insisted firmly. "Why should they need further training to use training rounds?"
"...fair enough," Flowers allowed warmly. "But while we're waiting for the ammunition to arrive, why don't we try having the troops getting to know each other? I mean, if we'll be in and out of each other's bases-"
"Negatory!" Sarge countered firmly. "The only time we'll be talking to each other is when Maud transfers bases, and then only to her Father! Oh, and if the team that doesn't have Maud loses, they have to pay a forfeit to get their flag back!"
"That sounds like a nice little incentive to excel," Flowers agreed. "Now we just need to wait for the ammunition to arrive-"
"Sir!" Simmons voice cut through on the communicators. "A massive supply of training ammunition just arrived on base!"
"Uh...Captain?" Private Church asked on the Blue band. "Uh...where am I supposed to put all these crates to keep Maud away from them? She thought they were rocks and took a bite of one...and now Tucker's fused to the far wall of the canyon by a massive amount of what looks like crystallized paint splatter."
"Oh my everything..." Tucker added in a groan.
"High noon tomorrow!" Sarge declared firmly as he ran off. "No shots fired before then...and I'll be seeing you begging for mercy by 1300 hours, you dam dirty Blue!"
"...at least I know how to break down the training paint..." Flowers thought to himself as he turned to head to his own base.
At 1100 hours, both bases were in full prep mode for the training battle to come. Everyone knew what they were supposed to be doing...though some understood it less than others. "Sir?" Church asked in confusion. "Why did you assign me as the sniper?" He held the sniper rifle he'd been given nervously.
"Yeah!" Tucker complained. "You said next time, I got the sniper rifle!"
"I said next time we went on a scouting run," Flowers corrected. "And Church has the sniper rifle because he has the best eyes and the fastest reflexes on the team, not to mention is the calmest under pressure after me. So I want him at a high vantage point acting as our spotter, and only taking a shot if he spots someone we aren't taking care of. Understand?"
"So no firing into melee," Church confirmed. "Yeah, I can do that. Pretty sure I can handle a sniper rifle."
"I have full confidence in you!" Captain Flowers confirmed.
At 1200 hours, everyone was in position and the fight began. Church was actually at the very vantage point where he'd first encountered Sarge, the cave Maud had been making behind him. He stared through the rifle as he took in the area, guiding his fellows. "Tucker, the nerdy red guy is close to your position, but he isn't aware of you yet," he said through the comms. "If you're careful, you can get the drop on him. A couple dozen yards north, seven west, six down."
"On it," Tucker declared in response. "Hope Maud's watching. Chicks dig men of action, you know."
"...she's barely out of diapers," Church pointed out flatly. "Metaphorically speaking. And a completely different species from you."
"And the only source of estrogen in this entire canyon, and this is likely to be a very protracted assignment," Tucker countered. "I can be patient."
Church sighted through the rifle, taking aim at Tucker's head. He could always claim a misfire, after all...
"Tucker," Flowers said through the comms, "remember what Church did to Sarge?"
"...right, shutting up sir."
"Thanks Captain," Church offered warmly. "By the way, the Red Leader's pretty close to your position, and it looks like he's got something nasty planned. Pretty sure he knows you're there. Just northeast of the cave in your line of sight."
"The cave, huh?" Flowers murmured. "Okay, I got this. Keep an eye out for Grif, the orange one."
"I thought he was yellow?" Church asked in confusion.
"I thought he was bronze," Tucker offered.
"I thought he was fat," Maud pointed out from behind Church.
"...did you just teleport again?" Church asked curiously.
"Maybe."
"...well, okay you can stay," Church allowed as he searched for Grif. "But if any of the Reds attack this position, you get out."
"Okay."
"Aha!" Church declared as he caught sight of Grif. "I've got you now, Red..." He pulled the trigger, and hit the innocent boulder several dozen yards behind Grif. "Okay, I was a little high there..." His next shot killed the innocent shrub several feet ahead and to one side. "Okay, overcorrected..." He continued to fire, each shot going so wide that Grif apparently decided to stand perfectly still until Church ran out of ammo and had to reload. "Dam it!" Church snapped angrily as he switched magazines. "Why can't I hit him?"
"Stop trying," Maud suggested.
"You saying I should give up?" Church demanded harshly.
"No. Do it."
"I'm trying!" Church growled angrily.
"Don't try. Be."
"...I have no idea what that's supposed to mean," Church pointed out.
"If you fail, they take me," Maud pointed out. "Breathe."
If you fail, they take me. Those words echoed in Church's head. He tried to clear his mind as he breathed in.
Everything around him seemed to slow to a crawl. Grif had started moving forward again, and he seemed to freeze in mid stride. Church shifted the rifle, his own movement slow but not as slow as the world around him. A line of light traced from the barrel of the sniper rifle, showing the path of the bullet. When it lined up with where he saw Grif's head would be when the bullet got there, he pulled the trigger. He watched the bullet slowly leave the barrel, gave it two inches of clearance, then swung to the next target.
Flowers was about to step into the caves. Sarge was about to leap out of them. The angle left a millimeter clearance between the size of the round and hitting Sarge's rock shelter or Flowers' head. He found the clearance. He pulled the trigger. Two inches out, he swung to the third target.
Tucker was leaping down in an attempt to catch Simmons off guard. Simmons had heard him yell, sweeping his weapon up. Tucker was going to be hit. Part of Tucker's anatomy was in the path of the ideal shot. It would classify as non-lethal. It was acceptable. He pulled the trigger. The bullet left the barrel. Church began to exhale.
"Fudge crackers!" Grif screamed out as the shot took him in the head and sent him sprawling.
"WAH!" Flowers screamed as the bullet whizzed by so close he felt the passage.
"Great googly moogly!" Sarge cried out almost immediately after as he fell on his back, his helmet covered in paint.
"My pride!" Tucker screamed out as he was hit.
"My dignity!" Simmons wailed as he was hit with more than just the paint spray.
Church blinked as he took in what had just happened. "...how the furry sprinkles did I just do that?" he asked wonderingly. And why did I say furry sprinkles? he added silently. I was trying to say fucking shit.
"That's...certainly something to investigate," Flowers allowed. "But for now, I think the MVP should go grab the Red flag, wouldn't you say?"
"Wow..." Church murmured in awe. "Thanks Captain!"
"This is unpleasant and humiliating..." Simmons complained as he was dragged haltingly across the ground.
"This is not how teabagging works!" Tucker complained as he struggled to waddle along with the crotch of his armor fused to Simmons' face plate.
Play of the Game: Church!
Poor Tucker and Simmons.
Simmons don't lie, you never had any dignity to start with.
Looks like Reds will need plenty of training before they'll ever have a shot at hosting Maud.
OH MY GOD! TUCKER AND SIMMONS... WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM? WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO THEM?!
Damn... what a hat trick
Teabagging
Also reminded of World Building, a WORM crossover in which Taylor is a Pretty Pony Princess who can't swear and eventually develops a healing spell that does it to others as a side effect.
(Also, screw you phone Chrome, you made this comment way harder than it had to be.)
8437955
Except that a Hat Trick is three victories, and this was clearly four.
8437979
Nah... catching Tucker in an indisposed condition while he was teabagging Simmons was purely coincidental; that doesn't count. It's a nice cherry on top of the double fudge sundae, but it still doesn't count
Jeez! Church unlocked VATS! Also,
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA..........................i dying here....HAHAHAHHAHA....send help...HAHAHHAHA ......i can't stop laughing!
Why does Sarge saying, "Great Googly Moogly!" sound familiar?
I'm pretty sure he's never actually said it, but it feels too familiar for me to be certain.
I KNOW he's said, "Great Caesar's Toast!" before, though, and sincerely hope you include it, with him giving Maud some twisted explanation on how Caesar was a space marine of great renown after she asks who he was.
Ouch. Poor Tucker.
......................HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~! Oh my god THIS is SO RVB right here. The whole scene there.
Also Tatsurou, kudos on making Church a SUPREME Sniper and accessing his AI powers when he is given proper "motivation".
It also just occurred to me. What if moments like this are actually recorded by Vic and sent to the rest of Freelancer so they can have a DAMN good laugh? Have a good reason to keep these guys alive instead of making them targets to kill in training sessions?
I suppose this is church's response to wanting to get it on with maud? Also.......isn't Griff supposed to be the nut shot magnet? Eh, regardless, this right here is beautiful rvb shenanigans in glorious hilarity and I can't wait to see what hapens when Caboose enters the field.
8438031
Grif's nuts may attract Tex's fist, but Tucker's mouth makes his nuts attract Church's ammo.
That ought to be 'extraordinary', not 'extraordenary'.
But if any oft he Reds attack
His next shot killed the innocent shrug several feet ahead and to one side
1. Of the.
2. Shrub?
Guess Church went and painted the canyon Red... Or is it Blue in his case?
8438044
Can't argue with that
Ha! Simmons got shot in the balls
God I'm such a twelve year old
8438095
That is a appropriate reaction for anyone familiar with Red Vs Blue
Yes, because we all know that Church has the best aim in the canyon.
Oppsie, Spelling error...
ahh, Church went into A.I time.. sweet!, this MUST be abused!
8437930
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41LRTWJttts appropriate music for your comment
Rated M for Maud.
Censorship for everyone. It's spreading.
Smart.
Good to know he's smart enough to notice that nice as Flowers is, he's still dangerous.
... He HAS a point.
... Holy shit.
You really can't.
Tucker, remember what Church did to Sarge? And he has a SNIPER RIFLE?
See? Flowers gets it.
He is.
Of the.
Rule of funny.
She has a point.
... Ruby Rose would be proud.
HAHAHAHAHAA!
For some reason. This keeps running through my head when reading this.
That was just beautifully hilarious. Like something out of the series.
8437999
I always thought of Mr. Fizwidget from Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando.
I learn so many new swear words just in one chapter. Thank you sir.
... and what is ' furry sprinkles ' by the way?
I don't think Tucker was ever THAT much of a perv.
It will be hilarious if the only time Church can hit something is when Maud is at risk, and still be crud any other time.
8438204
Moldy sprinkles,maybe?
8438161
One of the best episodes if not the best of the show!
Why do I feel that Maud’s language is going to be quite salty but still monotone when she gets back?
8438340
This needs to happen.
8438101
8438161
which episode is this? the video doesn't work for me for some reason.
Sarge: Headshot!
Simmons: The other headshot!
8438482
Shouldn't it be little headshot
*reads rest of chapter
8438023
Assuming Tats doesn't mind, I was actually thinking of doing a side-story to this where the project Freelancer analysts(i.e.. Wiz and Boomstick) react to these shenanigans
Funny how Sarge says that when HE's the one who WALKED OUT on his OWN son and wife, thus keeping his son from him. Wonder how Maud will react to that when Wiz and Boomstick show up?
So when is Flowers's allergies death
Guess I can't call Church a lousy shot anymore!
8438535
Hope Tatsurou gives the okay on that, because I would LOVE to read that.
8438644
Since you like it, here are a few other characters I'm going to be using.
Investigative Analyst: MatPat
Behavioural Analyst: Gaijin
Behavioural Analysis AI: Goomba
Holographic Simulator Operation Technician: Jacksepticeye
Holographic Simulator Maintanance Drone: Septic Eye Sam
Security Section Chief: Firebrand
More may be added as the situation/jokes require
8438668
If you can, try adding Jontron, DeckerShado, SovietWomble and Nostalgia Critic.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh thats just to priceless
8438674
I was already thinking of using NC, Jontron could be interesting, never heard of the other two before.
8438681
I'll send you links to their youtube pages.
I just realised something during my forth period. Both of the Pie's Tatsurou is writing...
Are being raised by Spartans
8438475
Red vs. Blue S8 Tex fights Reds and Blues in awesome action sequence | Rooster Teeth on Youtube. :3
8438044
If Tex targets Grif's balls and Church targets Tucker's balls, then logically their daughter (Maud) will take after both of them via performing a simultaneous double-groin-shot on Grif AND Tucker in a future chapter.
====================
If the Reds ever do manage to win a match and get Maud on their team, I can already imagine one of the lessons Sarge will teach Maud;