A New Paradigm
Texas looked down at Maud. "So this is Sarge?" she asked her calmly.
"Yes, I'm Sarge!" Sarge responded firmly. "Red Leader in this-"
"I didn't ask you," Texas interrupted.
"Well, why not?" Sarge demanded angrily.
"Because despite the apparent combat competence of Grif and Tucker, from what I've seen I wouldn't trust half of you idiots to be able to remember your own names half the time," Texas answered readily.
"WHAT?" Sarge shouted in fury. "Do you really think Red Command would appoint a battlefield commander who couldn't remember his own name?"
"Yes."
Sarge stared at Texas for a time. "...yeah, you're her mother alright," he agreed, reaching over to pet Maud.
"This is Sarge," Maud confirmed.
"Alright, who's in charge of the Blues?" Texas demanded. "I understand two of their leaders have already died."
"Hrrmmm..." Sarge gripped his shotgun as he lowered his head in thought. "Well, Blue membership is down to Tucker and Caboose."
"Between the perv and the idiot, I think Maud's in charge," Texas concluded dryly.
"Well, she's pretty much in charge of the entire canyon at this point," Sarge allowed, "but you were asking about who you talk to about the Combat Arrangement, weren't you?"
Texas stared at Sarge for a time. "Wow, there actually is a brain in there. I am genuinely surprised."
"Hey!" Sarge declared angrily as he lifted his gun.
"And the brain is gone," Texas allowed, lifting Maud like a weapon. "You really think you can take a Freelancer armed with blatantly superior firepower?"
"I can certainly go down-"
"Bow-chicka-bow-OW! Caboose!"
"What? Mom and Sis did it, so now it was my turn!"
"-trying!" Sarge concluded, ignoring the brief interruption.
"Oh, I call next!" Donut called to Tucker.
Simmons snickered into the booze Grif had provided him. "That's what she said."
"Bow-Chicka-DON'T YOU DARE!"
"Aww...but I wanna join in on the fun!"
Grif couldn't stop himself from chuckling. "That's what she said.
"Bow-Chicka-I WILL LOAD THIS WITH LIVE AMMO, DONUT!"
"I have a hard time believing you can shoot anything other than blanks," Texas observed dryly.
"Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow!" everyone but Tucker declared in unison.
Tucker glowered around at everyone. "What, is it suddenly shit on Tucker day?"
Texas turned Maud around to point her other end at Tucker. "It will be if you don't stop cursing and get over here to do leadership business."
"Can I get some fiber first?" Maud asked dryly.
Tucker quickly rushed over. "Fine, let's just get this leadership nonsense over. Sheesh, and I thought Maud would inherit being in charge from Church."
"She is not yet a Blue!" Sarge declared angrily. "The battle for her has not yet concluded!"
"She's wearing Blue armor and she has guns she can use," Tucker pointed out dryly. "I'm pretty sure those were the agreed on points of growth where we decided she would make a choice."
"The armor's Blue in memory of her dead father!" Sarge snapped out angrily. "That doesn't mean she wants to be a Blue!"
"I think I want to be Freelance like Mom," Maud observed dryly as Texas turned her back around to face forward. "That way everyone has to do what I say and I get to kick their asses."
Texas chuckled warmly. "That's my girl."
"Then the truce is ended!" Sarge declared angrily. "The Reds and Blues of this canyon are at war once again!"
"Don't you still want Maud to work for you?" Texas pointed out thoughtfully.
"Of course we do!" Sarge insisted. "But we no longer have any reason not to kill the dam dirty Blues to accomplish that goal!"
"That's one way to look at it, I suppose," Texas allowed dryly.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Only that if we're both Freelancers, we work for whoever pays us," Texas pointed out. While a complete fabrication, she wasn't about to explain the Freelancer program - or the fact that the entire Red vs Blue conflict was made up to give Freelancers live armies to work with for training - to these idiots. It would probably crush their fragile brains...not to mention upset Maud. "And I was contracted to this canyon to take care of Maud. Since she's chosen to Freelance like me, that means we both are free to take other jobs if we want to. So...can the Reds or the Blues in this canyon pay us more to fight for them?"
"But the Reds have more men!" Tucker declared angrily. "Not to mention Grif's the one who's been mining the stuff Maud likes! How are we supposed to beat that?"
"I can pay in love and snuggles?" Caboose offered hopefully.
"Your counter offer?" Maud asked Sarge quietly.
"WHAT?" Sarge declared in outrage. "You're actually entertaining 'love and snuggles' as a serious offer to hire your services?"
"Yes."
"And you're letting her?" Sarge demanded of Texas.
"I can't see why not. She asked your counter offer."
"Then I will distill the essence of love and snuggles out of the Earth and turn it into a tangible item and offer more of it!" Sarge proclaimed intensely. "And in this way forever prove the superiority of the Reds over the Blues!"
"I really want to say that's impossible," Doc spoke up thoughtfully, "but I still haven't figured out why the medical scanner turns pink when I point it at Maud. So I guess anything really is possible."
"Grif!" Sarge called out. "Get to mining! See if you can dig up some hugs or something!"
"Hardly the strangest thing I'll have found down there," Grif allowed, sipping his booze, munching some cookies, and not bothering to leap to obey the direct order.
"Simmons! You're sciency and growing stuff! Grow some Valentine flowers or something and work on distilling the essence of love!"
"I have absolutely no idea how that could possibly work, but I'm pretty sure I'm drunk so it sounds brilliant sir!" Simmons declared as he leapt to his feet, fell flat on his feet, staggered back upward, refilled his tankard, and swayed off towards his vegetable garden.
"As the only member of Red Team with any weaponry know-how, I will work on figuring out how to weaponize love and snuggles so we can use it to kill Blues as we win over Maud!" Sarge declared firmly.
"And what should I do, sir?" Donut asked eagerly.
"You're on sabotage duty!" Sarge insisted. "Until Maud actually accepts the Blues offer, we have time to give a better one! Do whatever it takes to keep the Blues from giving Maud sufficient Love and Snuggles to win her over!" He then hesitated as he noticed Maud and Texas looking right at him. "You two didn't hear any of that!" he declared firmly before slowly backing away from them all the way to Red Base.
"So...are things always this crazy here when you guys aren't fighting?" Texas asked Tucker curiously.
"Pretty much, yeah," Tucker allowed.
"We love it here!" Caboose proclaimed excitedly.
Stats
Page generated in 0.037 seconds
Total duration
964 users online
1,241,891 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Oh Tucker, every day until the Project Freelancer arc is shit on Tucker day. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can become more badass.
Love and Snuggles are the best currency!
I can say, with complete confidence, that you, Tatsurou, have once again managed to capture the essence of the series that the pony was displaced into. This chapter had me laughing just as hard as any Red vs Blue episode from Season 1.
Happy holidays to all
8628570
And a Festivus for the rest of us.
So much fun!
Happy Holidays, indeed.
Good chapter, Tatsu
Wow, a new chapter at exactly the same time as all the others in this story on Christmas Eve. If nothing else, you are Twilight Sparkle levels of punctual.
what a bunch of dumbasses! i say, leave it to the Covenant and get the hell out!
8628625
XD Thanks for running with that joke!
8628631
Walter told me to do it, and personally, i listen to the guy for the same reason that Achmed fears him...
8628634
No roof! HELLOOOOOOO?!
But they have the technology!
How is this somehow more insane than the actual show?
So who do we see winning a fight when they meet, Maud or Carolina? Maud is definitely going to be racking up the skills needed to pose a credible threat.
Agent Texas will need a lot supplies of Tylonol before the end of the week.
8628644
8628631
8628625
To quote The Soldier, "This is war, son, AND I LOVE IT!"
So does this mean Sarge is going to invent the orbital friendship cannon?
Looks like Grif's balls are spared... for now
Looks like I have a new addition for a very special bookshelf folder...only the second story in that one.
8628804
Oh? What bookshelf is that?
8628807 "Laughed so hard I had an asthma attack."
Happy holidays everyone ^•^
8628876
Nice...
And the latest casualty of the Blood Gulch conflict: Tucker's Ego.
8628876
That is a very unique bookshelf.
8628718
TATSUROU PLEASE YES!
8628634
His farts?
8629249
XD
8629249 Well, it's a hard one to qualify for since it depends on certain variables being just right.
Merry christmas everyone , just got to read the chapter and it was crazier than I thought. by the way when do we get our new church ( you know since he takes over Lopez )
8629183
No....that comes when Tex tells him that Griff is actually better than him because he's not wearing Freelancer armor.
I just pictured the Meta being taken over by the child AI and fawning over how cute Maud is.
Dammit, now you’ve made me try and find the weirdest thing in a Minecraft mine!
8629400
You mean Theta? Theta is one of my favorites for the AI, though Epsilon is still number 1.
He ain't wrong.
He's not wrong.
I love this so much.
Or, in the eternal words of the Space Duck,
Cute.
She has the right goddamn idea.
Both good offers.
I want this to happen. I don't know how, but I want to see Sarge somehow pull it off.
Well, the Elements of Harmony are a kinda weapon. And the Crystal Heart did obliterate Sombra.
It's even crazier when they DO fight.
8629249
I was looking for someone's reaction to that joke, because I loved the joke.
Best route a joke has ever taken.
8629249
Sadam's mustard gas is nothing compared to a Walter fart....
8628680
Tatsurou. Enough said.
Cadence is gonna feel this disturbance in love.
I think becoming an alicorn is a stupid trade off. Especially since Cadence is going to wake up one morning... without any legs.
By the time Grif returns to the Crystal Empire and realized his mistake, Sarge would’ve turned her crystallized legs into the Eiffel Tower on a gandala.
EDIT: A gandala with Shrek rowing from the back.
Oh you could not possibly be farther from the truth
And then Omega wakes up and pees in everyone's coffee.
I was going through old videos in my web bookmarks when i came across this:
Red vs. Blue: The Musical
Considering what is happening right now i thought it was appropriate.
8630675
In the immortal word of Big Mac. Eeeeeyup.
I think Walter said it best:
“Dumbasses.”
Where’d it come from, where’d it go~ Where’d it come from, Cotton eyed joe~?
Somehow, you made the joke funnier. Somehow, I don’t know how, I’ve had this theory you’re secretly magic.
Drunk Simmons? That sounds kinda... I’m not sure if the word... humoursly cute? I’ll just go with that for now.
Hahahaha!
8790119
Tatsurou, you magnificent madman.
I laughed so hard re-reading this part that I was literally in tears.
yes