"Weekly's too frequent."
Flowers jerked in surprise at that flat, monotone assertion that came out of nowhere. Turning, he saw Maud staring up at him. "Wonder if I'll ever get used to you doing that?" he mused idly. "What do you mean?"
"I don't like going back and forth every week," Maud explained simply. "Make it monthly."
"You want me to renegotiate with Sarge about how often we fight over who you stay with?" Flowers clarified.
"I want you to change it," Maud corrected before turning and heading off, as though her simple declaration was all it took to make it so.
Flowers sighed. "Somehow, I doubt Sarge is going to be happy about this..."
"WHAT?" Sarge shouted out angrily. "We had an agreement you dam dirty Blue! And now you're trying to renege when you have the pony? I will not hear of it! The honor of the Reds will not let this affront stand! We will tear you apart and use your intestines to build pretty toys for Maud to play with!"
"But it's Maud who asked me to get this changed," Flowers pointed out. "She doesn't like shuttling back and forth so often. I don't think she'd take kindly to you deciding that you should try and kill us over that."
"Hrrrmmm..." Sarge mused, slowly digesting that. "You have a point. But it's still unfair! Because of the agreement, she still gets Blue influence even while in Red Base because she still sees your soldier as her father! How is she supposed to get Red influence to counter that? In the spirit of our original agreement, this inequality, this injustice...can not stand!"
"Hmm, I see you have a point there," Flowers allowed. After all, if I'm looking at Tucker and Grif as possibly tapping them to be new Freelancers, there's no reason not to see if Maud can influence the others that way too...if only for the sake of my primary mission. "So you want the Reds - yourself specifically, I assume - to have access to Maud even while she's staying at Blue Base?"
"Affirmative!" Sarge declared firmly. "She needs to be shown the superiority of the Reds even when with the Blues! It's the only fair way!"
"Well, what if you could show us up outside of battle as well?" Flowers suggested slyly. "Something that doesn't involve killing but is competitive?"
"Hmm..." Sarge stared off into the middle distance as he considered this possibility. "Well, it's unnatural to even consider such a thing with the hated Blues...but we're already fighting without killing, and the goal of winning over the pony is still worth it! What did you have in mind?"
"Some sort of activity that will let us show off non-combat skills," Flowers suggested. "Some sort of gathering, perhaps? Held weekly?"
"Of course!" Sarge declared proudly. "Whichever team is not presently hosting the pony will host a cookout once a week instead of the battle that's now moved to once a month! We'll have good food that will absolutely destroy the Blues, party games that we can crush you in, and funtime activities to show Maud how much better the Reds are! And we can get to know each other and talk! Just because you're our most hated enemies and I hate you all with a fiery passion hotter than a thousand suns and want to destroy you with every fiber of my being...is no reason we can't be friends off the battlefield and share a cold one!"
Flowers chuckled softly. "You never cease to amaze me with your 'logic', Sarge," Flowers offered in a bemused tone.
"See? Even in logic I trounce you!" Sarge declared proudly. "Our victory is assured!"
"Captain!" Tucker roared out as he raced up from the transport dock. "I've got a major bone to pick with you!"
"Tucker?" Flowers asked in 'shock'. "You're back early! It hasn't even been a full two days, let alone five. Why are you back so soon? Was the planet of the amazons not everything I promised?"
"Of course it wasn't!" Tucker snapped out angrily. "You tricked me!"
"How did I trick you?" Flowers asked, managing to sound offended. "Were the residents not entirely female?"
"Well, yeah, they were," Tucker allowed. "But-"
"And were they not incredibly attractive by your own personal standards?" Flowers continued.
"Well, okay, they were smoking hot," Tucker agreed. "But-"
"And did they not go about wearing very little?" Flowers pressed.
"Oh yeah, that was awesome!" Tucker crowed happily. "Some were only walking around in body paint and a fig leaf...literally! The figs were pretty tasty, too."
"And weren't they overjoyed to meet a warrior such as you?" Flowers asked playfully.
"Well...yeah, I was swarmed as soon as I got off the transport ship," Tucker allowed. "But-"
"Then I fail to see how I tricked you," Flowers concluded. "Plainly, the planet was everything I promised you."
"No it wasn't!" Tucker yelled out angrily. "You never mentioned they were cannibals!"
Flowers paused. "Okay, I know some people find that quite distasteful, but given just how open you are to such things - your over-under rule, for example - I didn't think a picky little detail like dietary habits would bother you that much."
"Yeah!" Sarge agreed loudly. "Suck it up and man up, Blue!"
"Suck it...I had to suck it up to stay a man!" Tucker snapped out angrily. "They weren't swarming me to welcome me to anything but the cooking pot!"
"While I admit it's a switch on the gender rules you're used to, I don't see why you're making such a big deal over them wanting you to make them dinner," Flowers observed playfully.
"Make them-they didn't want me to make them dinner!" Tucker roared. "They wanted me to be dinner! They were trying to eat me!"
"Bow chicka wow wow," Maud observed calmly from behind Tucker.
Tucker paused for several moments, then found himself chuckling. "Okay, I walked right into that one," he allowed, leaning down to pet Maud. "Not bad, kid."
"She is spending way too much time with you," Church growled flatly from behind Maud.
Dear Sarge,
Your logic will never cease to amaze me.
- Flowers
P.s. MY SIDES!!!
...
...
...
This is going to be way, way, WAY whackier than canon, isn't it?
And Maud Pie was the perfect straight pony.
... this! ...I ...My poor brain can't begin to imagine what kind of face Maud made when she said that.
Probably not.
He will not.
Come again?
What do you mean?
Your logic is baffling.
Sure, let's go with that.
Oh dear.
Surprising nobody.
Eating other people is generally a turn off.
I disagree, that was fucking amazing.
..............................Okay, THAT is a twist I did NOT expect for the Amazons. Hopefully (though SERIOUSLY unlikely) this will teach Tucker to get the ALL the details so he does not end up getting buttfked. Figuratively speaking.
Heh at least Tucker has the sense to laugh at himself walking into those jokes.
Dude you think THAT'S bad? Wait until TEX shows up.
*slow clap slowly turning into a full standing ovation*
Tatsurou, you have outdone yourself. That was bucking amazing. This is going to be aaaawweessssommmmeeee!
Cannibals... I didn't think of that possibility. And I like the idea of a weekly cookout. I can totally see someone finding an old Boy Scout manual and doing things like fire starting, knot tying to build structures for climbing on, and first aid courses for basic treatment.
Hmm. Something just occurred to me. By the time Tex shows up, do you think the reds and blues will be competent enough to actually give Tex a decent challenge? Also if there are no problems how do we get caboose, Donut, and Lopez there? (Maybe sister too.)
8495374
Well, the first two were part of a planned escalation to match the Blues and Reds, so they should still show up as scheduled. Lopez was also part of that plan, and was built to be a mechanic, so he should still be there as usual. Only Sister is still up in the air, as she is a replacement for an unplanned fatality. So, as long as Florida dies, she should still show up, I would think.
I think its time Maud and Simmons spent time together. The moment he gets her vocab expanding on mineral names, I swear he'll embrace her like a plushie.
Logic(or lack thereof) aside, this Sarge is so much more like an actual respectable leader than in the show. I would hate to see how Caboose is changed through encountering Maud.
Please don't let him not be a team-killing f**k-tard.
Sometimes I wonder what's cooking in Sarge's head. Other times, I'm afraid of what's cooking in his head.
8495458
This is because this is pre-Season 1.
In Season 1, the characters were only slightly weird. By season 5, they became insane.
i. e. Church went from missing a shot on a far away moving target by a reasonable margin, to failing to hit someone at point blank range in season 6.
Caboose didn't actually get retconned into "South is on our side *shoots her*" until Reconstruction. In fact, he was a normally functioning (if rather slow) human being in season 1. He even understood a metaphor. And called Tex a slut in the process.
I was actually a bit sad when Season 14 forgot that.
8495469
Yes, but Maud being in Blood Gulch has already influenced Tucker into being an early badass, and Medical Officer Frank Dufresne aka Doc has shown up before Season 1, so anything is possible.
Oh god...How will Maud be interpreted inside Caboose's MIND?! Because he got so much WRONG about everyone he met.
8495327
Matematicly strait.
8495472
This is Maud we're talking about. She'll probably somehow be inside Caboose's mind or Caboose will "makeup"
a couple siblings for Maud.
8495486
Probably
That’s our girl!
8495319
I really feel like this way off the rails already
8495561
Rather than "rails", I feel Tatsurou's PWNY-verse fics travel more by a general framework, where all details are potentially subject to change.
...Huh. The Planet of the Space Amazons' food court was not what I expected.
Maybe also throw in weekly soccer matches?
8495472
He probably interprets her as a grey Pinkie Pie
8495402
Actually, that's incorrect.
VIC had a list of Freelancers that were to be Flowers' replacements if something happened to him, or if he needed to call in backup. He was also instructed to act as 'Command', and fulfill requests. When Flowers tripped over the power cable, however, it screwed up the list...with Caboose as the first name on it.
This was an adorable chapter and the cannibals was a clever twist
8495769
What episode is that in?
8495769
That may be noncanon. Season 14 was weird like that. Season 15 revealed that all soldiers in Blood Gulch were specifically chosen to replicate a previous group of Reds and Blues that had the longest stalemate. Caboose was picked to replicate the other Blue, Loco.
Sorry if I spoiled it.
Oh god, that just made my day!
Seems Church might be picking up Maud's habit of inconvenient offscreen teleportation. A truly terrifying ability for a dad to have access to.
8495486
Or three.
8495926 Season 14 and 15 can easily coexist in canon.
Season 14 shows Flowers tripping over a cable and 'screwing the list up' while season 15 shows that the people were carefully selected to emulate a certain other set of teams. Since we know both things are basically canon, it's simple to assume that the REAL people at command decided to replace Flowers' list of replacement freelancers with their list of people who had been screened and selected for emulation of the Desert Gulch group.
The only flaw in this theory is, of course, the last name on the list in season 14: Andersmith.
8495319
He managed to make God of War wacky, you expect him to not be able to increase existing wackiness?
Love you Maud!! So much!!
for a moment i thought you really had sent him to the lamia clan.
That's right Maud
Huh, looks like we're off the rails boys.
*Cracks a pepsi*
Brace for impact.
Random thought, but Maud and the Red and Blues VS, Fluttershy and the Red and Blue TF2 Teams. in a battle
Out of curiosity, will you have Maud reverse adopt Caboose as a little brother?
8495546
No....tex belongs to her.....look at that thing and tell me I'm wrong, I'd rather face a pair of hunters with nothing but my sarcastic wit then one PO maud!
Noooo don’t go to the tucker side
It’s too late
I suppose he was hoping for the Amazon world where their capital punishment is death by Snu Snu instead.
Better him than Grif's Sister. By far.
Ayyy~
Also she’s learning, and I like that.
8674233
Snu Snu?
Agreed.
8720383
Best. Mental Image. Ever.
And things got more interesting; I wonder if a dance battle will occur?
Pfft! Way to half-truth it, Flowers!
If I heard that, I'd run.