Kicking Psychic Asp
"So...how come the other Texas isn't coming with us?" Church asked curiously as he and Texas followed Caboose's mental manifestation of him.
"Quit drooling over the Missus before one of her decides to shoot off your new robo-testicles!" the other Church snapped angrily. "And the reason she's not doing much is because she's the only one who can keep Maud in check in here. Sure, letting Maud loose on the invading bastard would be effective, but Caboose's mind barely functions as is without reckless collateral damage."
"So we need to stop Omega without doing too much damage in here," Texas deduced thoughtfully. "That...could be difficult."
"What resources do we have to work with?" Church inquired. "I mean, the other Reds and Blues ought to be able to help-"
"What, ye cannae do any o' this be yerself?" a maroon armored troop suddenly declared angrily, a semblance of a thick Scottish brogue coloring his words. "Yer a pansy, that's wut ye are! A fookin' pansy!"
"And...Simmons is Scottish," Church murmured in surprise. He turned to Texas. "Why is Simmons Scottish?"
"With how much he drinks, and his liver's still fine?" Texas suggested obliquely.
"...fair enough," Church allowed. "Though it makes me wonder how Caboose sees the others-"
"Hoyo!" a yellow armored puff-ball carrying a pick-ax suddenly greeted before wandering off to chase a butterfly.
Texas and Church simply stared after it as it wandered past a pink-armored troop performing the moonwalk while singing...something. Nearby, an aqua armored troop was in a cage. "So...why is Tucker caged?" Texas asked curiously. "I hate to admit it, but he's probably one of the most capable soldiers here-"
"Boobies!" the figure declared desperately as he struggled to reach Texas through the bars of his cage.
Church blinked a few times. "Wow. Caboose's gaze is not that flattering on most of these guys. Now what about-"
"It's alive!" a violet armored troop wearing a white lab coat declared excitedly. "Alive! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Seso..." a bronze armored troop declared in a zombieish, robotic tone right next to him. "No hay ninguno..."(1)
"You know..." Texas began awkwardly, "I'm no longer certain I want to know how he sees Sarge. Let's just find Caboose, find Omega, and see if we can fix things."
"This way," the other Church directed firmly.
Before long, Church caught sight of what could only be Caboose off in the distance. He was about to call out to him, but he quickly realized that Caboose was in a crouched, spying position, a sniper rifle in his hands. As such, he waved Texas to follow him discreetly as they made their way over to his position. "What's the situation?" he asked quietly as they reached him.
"I failed, Dad," Caboose offered sadly, his voice...surprisingly coherent and straightforward, as though his thoughts were actually under control.
"You don't seem surprised we're here," Texas observed thoughtfully.
"Why should I be?" Caboose asked in confusion. "It said you were coming on the computer." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder.
Turning, Church and Texas saw a wall with a large '4' printed on it pulled slightly away from the corner. Behind the wall, a computer could be seen with text endlessly appearing on the screen, the keys seeming to type themselves. However, from the distance they were at, none of them could see the text clearly, no matter how much Church or Texas zoomed in.
"Don't bother," Caboose pointed out calmly. "You have to step behind the wall to read it, and that's kinda complicated. I've always known how to do it...but I think that's because my brain doesn't work right."
"I'll have to look into that later," Church noted thoughtfully. "That could...be useful."
"So what's the situation?" Texas asked calmly. "How did you 'fail'?"
"Look." Caboose gestured towards an area somewhat distant.
On the opposite side of this part of the training field, Omega could be seen standing in pitch black trooper armor, a gun clenched tight in his hands as he glowered around. Cowering behind and around him were seventeen fillies like Maud, but of every imaginable color combination of mane, coat, and eyes that didn't have red in it.
"Uhh...?" Church asked in confusion.
"My other sisters," Caboose explained. "Maud can take care of herself, so he couldn't snatch her...but I'm supposed to take care of my sisters, so I can't act too much against him now...or he'll hurt them. I can't let that happen..."
Church turned to Texas. "Why would he picture the sisters he's supposed to protect as ponies?" he asked, plainly confused.
"Probably because he hasn't seen them in a while," Texas allowed. "I seriously doubt they're actually ponies like Maud, but Maud being his sister is his most recent familiar memory, so the image of 'pony sister' superimposed itself on his recollection of his other sisters, carrying over only coloration and personality...somewhat skewed through his perspective."
"No, I get why he'd picture his sisters as ponies after Maud," Church clarified. "I'm wondering why the heck he thinks his pony sisters would need to be protected against someone like Omega? With how you were carrying her around and not noticing when Omega was gone, I kinda figured she punched him out of your head or something."
"KO'ed him by upercutting his projection, and then held him in a ball while I projected to talk to you, yeah," Texas confirmed.
"...Maud can do that?" Caboose asked in shock.
"Well, ye-" Texas began.
"Ponies can do that," Church quickly interjected. "Especially ponies who are family members."
"...really?" Caboose asked in surprise.
In the distance, the fillies could be seen starting to perk up, slowly losing their downtrodden, terrified expressions. Omega shouted something at them, but they didn't seem to listen.
Quickly catching on, Texas nodded. "Sure. Have you met any pony family members that haven't been able to?"
"Well...my other sisters-"
"Have they tried?" Texas interrupted.
Omega was waving his gun and shouting now, but he was plainly losing control of the situation.
"Caboose, you trust me right?" Church pressed.
"Of course, Dad."
"So if I tell you something, it's gonna be true, right?"
Caboose nodded eagerly.
"Same goes for if I tell the girls something?" Church continued, gesturing to the fillies.
"Oh, absolutely!" Caboose agreed.
"And you and the girls...how do you all feel about parties?"
Caboose gasped in surprise...as did one of the 'sister' fillies who was very pink, for some reason. "Parties are the bestest!" Caboose declared excitedly.
Church promptly stood up. "Hey girls!" he called out.
Every filly turned her head towards him, even as Omega aimed his gun.
Church pointed at Omega. "Pinata!" he screamed out at the top of his voice.
"Wait, what-?" Omega demanded in shock.
His demand was cut off by a concerted shriek of childish glee as the fillies converged on him with bats, sticks, and even a few lead pipes. Omega yelped and screamed in pain as they proceeded to wail on him for a time, the pink one leaping onto his head as he fell backward.
"I'm going to beat you until candy comes out!" the pink filly shrieked as she proceeded to smash his head back against the ground repeatedly. Moments later, Omega vanished.
"Looks like he jumped to someone else," Texas pointed out. "We should follow too-"
"One thing first," Church interrupted. "I promised candy." He lifted his arms and briefly flashed pink.
Candy began to softly drift down onto the fillies like snowflakes, making them shriek with glee as they leapt and bounced for it, snatching it out of the air in their mouths.
"Thanks, Dad," Caboose offered warmly.
"No prob, kid," Church replied happily. He then turned to Texas, no longer glowing pink. "Let's go."
(1) According to google translate, "Brains (as in sense)...There is none..."
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It really is, but your world's science is nowhere close to being ANYWHERE close to getting even the barest hint of how that works...
I shudder to imagine what Sarge’s mind would be like. Also, it wouldn’t be too outta place for Simmons to be Scottish, but suppressing it. I tried talking in a Scottish brogue, but I can’t pull it off.
...that ending was glorious.
XD *in a deep Surrounding voice* We live above you mere Mortals Only a select few know that we exist!
I'm seriously the first person to see this? Wow. I guess I should say something profound....Nah.
^edit^
You all posted before i did! Drat! I swear there was nothing here when I scrolled down!
I enjoyed this. Thanks for writing it.
8759853
I was leaning more towards, "Pay no attention to the man behind the keyboard!"
8759881
A "When Was There A Key board Here!?" would be better
Omega never stood a chance.
At least he only got the pinata treatment, Maud would have gotten creative
Did you make Grif into a yellow KIRBY in Caboose's head!?........I can see that actually.
8759814
Demoman anyone?
Wow. Church is actually kinda smart this time.
I really curious as who is the most sane person in the valley.
Wow. This is perfect. Especially the pinata part. I wonder how the future will go if Church really is gonna be this smart and considerate.
Now who did Omega jump to? I wonder how Tex and Church are going to handle Spartan Pinkie?
8759984
Maud obviously
RUN OMEGA RUN! INKIE HAS A PIPE. AND IS LOOKING FOR A FIGHT!
The Pinata scene was golden
Also, Grif Kirby, though
8760025
Also Tex
I knew you'll make Simmons as demoman , I f*cking knew it , it was a funny end to the caboose mind part ,
Also its right the sesos/brain thingy , but its more as when you say guts instead of entrails , nonetheless funny as hell especially the part of church manipulating his mind a bit
8760011
If I wasn't literally in the middle of reading Pinkie's PWNY I would have had no idea what you meant. I still have to finish it, though, so off to the next chapter.
8760090
According to google translate, 'sesos' was brains as in the physical brain, while 'seso' was brain as in sense. Thus, Lopez was saying - in a zombie like way - "This doesn't make any sense!"
8759984
Probably Muad or Tex.
Well played church well played
Guess we can say that in this mind Omega has been PWNed.
Man, I really wish this updated every other day, it's funny and just keeps on getting funnier!
Kinda wish the actual show went this direction....
8760115
Technically both meetings could be true XD
8759984
It's a toss up between Simmons, Church, and Doc, really.
Church... you're a genius! I hope Caboose's sisters do show up, I want to see them get adopted as well and come to Equestria. And Pinkie Pie showing up was pretty much expected, loved seeing her prepare to rip Omega's head off for candy. And Omega being used as a Pinata... can this be a lasting trauma for him that eventually gets to The Meta so he freezes when hearing Pinata???
8760471
Unfortunately, the series gives zero characterization for Caboose's seventeen sisters. I think they only get mentioned once. I'd love to be able to incorporate them...but unless they get more characterization, I can't.
8760496 Given it's you Tats, I think you could develop likable personalities for them.
8760430
That answer is simple. Maud is the most sane one their, and given how much she is like Tex the award for most sane person is Tex
Could. Not. Stop. Laughing. Can't. BREATHE!
Now that was awesome! Looking forward to more.
Keep up the great work. Deus tecum.
Pinkie has taken on the persona of Jack. Omega, you're screwed.
8760496
The fandom likes to make 479er one of them. You could go that route.
He's right, you know.
Works for me.
How unflattering.
Ah...
Apparently.
You sure you're not evil?
I like this Church.
He's not wrong.
8760536
Maud lost the claim to sanity around the time she started acting like a worse sadist than Omega. And Beta is a few rungs below Alpha on its best day.
8760496
I honestly don't recall any mention of Caboose's sisters (I may have dozed off when watching the segment...)—I checked the wiki and all it says is that he was raised with seventeen sisters on a colony on the moon prior to the series. When were they actually mentioned? Or were they, and this is just a bit of trivia that you decided to include?
Best use of the word "piñata" in a pony fanfic.
8759853
There is a reference I am not getting here...
8760947
...I don't know exactly when it was mentioned, but I'm pretty sure it was.
Oh this is going to be good.
You have a very smart mom who decided to adopt you, Caboose. Perhaps she'll adopt your 17 sisters as well.
I'm pretty sure he never had control of the situation to begin with.
Is Caboose related to Captain Quark? Cause that's Quark logic right there. Also, make sure those two are never in the same place at the same time.
I'm going to need popcorn for this.
…she's already here. I don't know why I'm surprised. I shouldn't be when I think about what she is capable of, and yet Pinkie Pie being is Caboose's head caught me completely off guard.
I have a feeling I won't be the only one who is caught off guard.
Are we sure Church is not evil?
That was hilarious. More please!
8760847
If sadism disqualifies somebody from being sane then no body is sane, as the vast majority of entertainment comes from some level of sadism, be it comedy, drama, and so one.
And THIS is why you do not fuck with a bunch of fillies!
8761289
There Is
8761755
Thank you for reminding me why MLP was so compelling in the first place.
8761840
not sure if that was sarcasm or not
8762034
Modern media focuses on appalling and disgusting the audience instead of entertaining them, as you so noted. It's very rare to find something that is allowed to be virtuous. Such series become popular because people are naturally drawn to virtue. MLP is one such series.
8762108
Actually my note goes on the basic concept in entertainment of conflict since sadism at it's core is the enjoyment of other's suffering, simple conflicts be it good vs evil, morals, or any other type of problem is almost needed for something to stay entertaining. Thus even if it is on a barely present level all forms of entertainment are tied to sadism.