//------------------------------// // Buck That Noise // Story: The Rock in the Gulch // by Tatsurou //------------------------------// As Twerp and Mob were put down for a nap after a huge feeding - and Tucker relaxed as much as possible so as to avoid slipping into a coma - a sudden crash nearly jostled everyone awake. "Blarg!" Ferdy demanded angrily, her claw-like grippers shifting to be even sharper and more claw like, plainly ready to tear whoever caused that crash to pieces if they awoke the infants. "My bad!" Sarge called out apologetically from the distance. "I ordered a ship! Didn't expect it to get here so fast!" "And...why did you order a ship?" Church asked, once more in human form and back in his armor. It had taken him a bit to get all the water out after he and Texas somehow got doused in a bucket of water, only for Texas to chase after something he couldn't see while snarling in rage. "Because we're trying to bribe Maud with Love and Snuggles!" Sarge insisted logically, if it could be called that. He calmly turned to walk towards the craft, moving towards the back to investigate the interior. Church stared after him for a time, then turned to Simmons and Grif. "...why?" he asked in confusion. "He already explained it to us once, and it still doesn't make sense," Grif allowed ruefully. "And that explanation was?" Church pressed. "He said that according to his research, a 'ship' always contained enormous amounts of love, snuggles, cuteness, and other such things that could be used to bribe Maud to work for us instead of you guys," Simmons allowed uncertainly. "Though for some reason he asked Command for a 'Size T or lower', whatever that meant, as anything bigger would have been 'USFM'. I honestly have no idea what he was talking about, and neither did command-" "What balderdash!" Sarge suddenly declared from the ship's cargo bay entrance. "This ship is empty! Inconceivable! Fanfiction has lied to me! Lied!" "And now it makes sense," Grif groaned ruefully. "I wondered just what sort of 'research' he'd done..." "Well, now we have a ship," Church observed thoughtfully. "Uh, correction," Simmons pointed out. "We have a ship. Just because Sarge was being Sarge about it doesn't make it any less true that it was ordered by - and for - Red troops." "Dibs," Maud suddenly spoke up from atop the ship. "Or it's a Freelancer ship because nobody's going to try and take it away from Maud without her permission," Church pointed out logically. "Did someone just call dibs on my ship?" Sarge demanded as he stepped out. "Outrageous! I already set foot in it so-" "Dibs," Maud interrupted calmly, glancing down at Sarge from atop the ship. "I hope you'll forgive the trespass," Sarge apologized sincerely. "I don't know what came over me trespassing on your property, Maud. Please forgive me?" "Okay," Maud allowed readily. "I have achieved equine forgiveness!" Sarge declared as he raced off towards Red Base, firing into the air in excitement. "Victory is assured! Suck lead, Blues, I have become favorite!" "Wait, did I hear someone say something about horses?" a feminine voice called out from inside the ship. "There's someone inside...and Sarge missed that," Church observed dryly. "Somehow, I feel like I should be surprised, but I'm not." "Wait, I know that voice..." Grif spoke up in shock. "Kaikaina?" A figure in yellow armor rushed out of the ship. "Dexter?" the figure demanded in surprise. "Is that you, big bro? What the fu-" "LANGUAGE!" Sarge roared from the distance. "-are you doing here?" the woman continued, ignoring the shout save for its effect in censoring her speech. "Go home, sis," Grif responded firmly. "Fu-" "LANGUAGE!" "-that!" Kaikaina countered firmly. "You don't think I joined the army and rode a spaceship all the way out here just to turn around because you are getting overprotective again. I'm here to fu-" "LANGUAGE!" "-some sh-" "LANGUAGE!" "-up! Now who's the wanna be Captain acting like my grandma?" "That would be Sarge," Simmons explained calmly. "And he's calling you on swearing because there are three underage individuals here, one of them being an adorable equine engine of destruction he believes to be the focus of the conflict of this canyon, and he doesn't welcome swearing in front of kids." Kaikaina gave Simmons a 'look' that was somehow visible through the helmet. "You're fu-" "LANGUAGE!" "-ing sh-" "LANGUAGE!" "-ing me! There is no way there's some sort of talking walking pony disaster here that I have to worry about cursing in front of!" "Hi," Maud stated calmly from the top of the ship. "My name is Maud." Kaikaina turned to look up at Maud. "...well you're fu-" "LANGUAGE!" "-ing adorable. Good for you! Now why in seven he-" "LANGUAGE!" "-would he think you're the focus of this conflict?" Maud calmly hopped down from the top of the ship before hefting it up in one hoof. "I'm going to go park this somewhere safer," she stated calmly. Kaikaina stared, stunned. "Well fu-" "LANGUAGE!" "-me sideways with a dozen di-" "LANGUAGE!" Kaikaina spun towards Sarge. "I WILL SAY WHATEVER THE HELL I FUCKING WANT AND YOU WON'T STOP ME!" she snarled angrily. "Not when the pony or the baby aliens are near enough to hear you won't!" Sarge snapped as he approached. "Nobody teaches the babies bad words on my watch! It's just not kosher, you hear?" "But I just swore in front of-" Turning, Kaikaina saw that Maud and the ship were both gone. "...fuck me..." "Please stop saying that, Sister," Grif groaned irritably. "Tucker might actually take you up on it." "If he's any good in bed, I wouldn't mind," Sister responded readily. "I've been on that ship for months, and I couldn't take my armor off because of some atmospheric issues. Do you know how long it's been since I last-" "And just like that, I've heard too much," Simmons groaned as he clutched his head. "If you guys need me, I'll be tending the singing, blood drinking plant monstrosity in my garden and hoping it gets off rap for five seconds."