Princess Celestia needs to have Blueblood assassinated.
For reasons.
Rarity seems like a good choice to do that, right?
Derived from a very silly conversation three months ago between Dewdrops on the Grass, The Sleepless Beholder, and myself.
Featured 4/6/2023 - 4/13/2023!
Now with a Russian translation by GrandCat!
Reviewed by Loganberry in the blog Louder Yay!, earning a three out of five stars rating!
Featured on Equestria Daily on 4/11/2023, as well as in their 25 More of the Best Rarity Fanfics to Read for Rarity Day on 9/8/2023!
Chapters (1)
There is a saying that nothing bonds people better than commiting a murder together.
It's true.
I am endlessly pleased that my goofy contributions could help result in such a good story.
It's a brilliant bit of dark comedic writing and uses twists well, plus the way in which Rarity justifies assassination for Twilight is genius.
And this story is when? 😜.
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Or was it "burying a body together"?
All in favor of killing blueblood say I
multiple ponies stand up
I!
I love how the introduction of this institute is immediately followed by a long, parenthesis'd paragraph frantically justifying both its continued existence and artifact title. Garbage Pail Kids this is not.
Plot Twist: Rarity actually hates Fluttershy's company. jkjk
Not gonna lie, that parenthesis segment kinda made me expect Fluttershy to intervene anyway and administer an immaculately self-devised antidote (perhaps another case of "the answer was 'Discord' and going any further into detail would only be a headache"?) to save Blueblood herself. Part of me does kinda wonder if that would've been a more effective payoff than the coffee, but hey, the latter worked perfectly anyway! (The "15-bit" adjective really sold that punchline IMO.) We got the callback to Flutterbat either way — kudos on putting that creative spoke in Plan C's wheels — so it all comes out sparkling in the wash. (Wait, was that a Twilight pun or a Twilight pun? Shoot.)
Ha! It's always those small ounces of wordplay that get me for some reason.
God, that is a perfect line to go out on! To say nothing of that whole Twilight segment in and of itself; Dewdrops' comment is right on the money.
All in all, some nicely done dark comedy! Rarity might not be John Wick, but she does a pretty good impression of me-as-Agent-47*, and I strongly enjoyed every word of it. Kudos again!
*Shoutout to the time I used an explosive to drop a crate onto a guy's head… only for that explosive to also explode a passing tour group in its entirety. Whoops.
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🤔
Well, as far as I actually remember, originally it was "nothing brings closer like committing a crime together", or something along these lines. Or maybe it's about a "secret" in general... I bet similar sayings were appearing elsewhere, it's not something new. Just fun activities, something mutual and all that
I just like telling about murdering, feels poignant!
Excellent work. Delightful bit of characters acting OOC without feeling OOC, and bravo on the descriptions of the past and present assassination attempts.
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Amusingly, that entire parenthetical section was a last minute addition. While doing edits I reread that part and went "Wait, that doesn't feel like Fluttershy at all" and I scrambled to add that little bit to cover my butt.
"Well, and discreet as well. But once I hired an assassin who was a continuous spectrum rather than an individual, and... Let's just say it was a confusing week multiple simultaneous times."
I love a good "character's actions are utterly bananas, character's personality is unchanged" fic, and this was a particularly good one. Especially the whole "Twilight's cute, of course I'd kill for her!" bit. (Although thanks to the chapter title, now I have a story idea where a stoic, well-groomed older stallion named Candle Wick comes to Rarity with a very strange suit request...)
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Damnation, that's what I get for blindly trusting my spellcheck. (The error is now corrected, thank you.)
Now there's a story in and of itself.
While that’s normally true. When said powerful ancient artifacts are collectively known as the elements of harmony and individually known as the elements of laughter, kindness, honestly, loyalty, generosity and the magic of friendship.
I would say that most people would say that more then likely said powerful ancient artifacts are more then likely non lethal. And thus would would not be associated with bad health.
Well I suppose from an evil doer’s perspective….
So did she get paid?
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derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/11/24/1302433.jpg
~Skeeter The Lurker
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Behind the curtain: the original ending actually was more or less that. The joke was "Oh yeah, we fed Blueblood through the mirror pool a long time ago and just take a new clone out of stasis when needed. Murdering him is actually how we test new recruits. So anyway, Twilight's gonna need a spymaster once she takes control..."
I veered away from that because it felt like a bit too much silliness when combined with the cause of death.
Love the art.
So, does she still get paid, or...?
This was fantastic! Out of all the mane 6, Rarity does seem like she'd be the best murder for hire, even if she manages to screw up literally every attempt. Greatly enjoyed this story from start to finish
Why am I not following you, your writing is amazing
This was very fun. XD
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It's an "in character" kind of OOC.
The quiet but terrifying power of the Princess of Friendship cannot be overstated. Brilliant tale of Coyote-Roadrunneresque shenanigans in the halls of power. Thank you for it.
Rarity is spymaster.
Would that make Pinkie Twilight's Mentat?
I assume Rarity would freak out if the Juice of Sapho stains weren't the right shade.
Or maybe, being a
gypsybard, Pinkie would be warmaster.So I visited the Canterlot castle. found an empty room, filled the tub and soaked and bubbled and sharted.
.... I can see this as a legit series though, great job.
I'd never pictured Rarity as someone who would intentionally commit murder, but now that this story explained her reasoning, I can see it.
I'd never pictured TCC56 as someone who would intentionally commit murder, but now that this story has meticulously spelled out several creative, effective methods of doing the deed...
Funny story -- you got multiple laughs out of me. And I'm not just saying that to stay on your good side.
Howdy, hi!
Oh my gosh. This is fantastic. I love how just completely unbothered Celestia and Rarity are in this. Blueblood is such a gladstone duck in this my gosh. Living by being lucky instead of actually smart. The pacing was banger, the murder plots stellar, and the character work here is absoltuely submlime. Absolute banger of a read. Thanks!
This was a blast to read, I loved how Blueblood survived all of Rarity's assassination attempts through sheer, dumb luck. This story is a well-crafted masterpiece and I enjoyed every second of it.
Plus, on a side note, it gave me an idea for a story of my own, so great job.
Fluttershy smiled as she read the newspaper - a small smile, and one of satisfaction at doing the right thing rather than any kind of enjoyment at what she'd done. Admittedly, she had hoped that the mysterious malady the Prince had suffered would be the thing to do him in, both so that she wouldn't have had to do anything herself and so she could look into his eyes as he died - hence why she'd been so bold as to speak to him.
Still, she couldn't argue with the results, and the greased bathtub had been most effective. Again, she hated that she had to resort to such terrible actions, but it was the only way to make things right. She looked out at the Everfree Forest where she'd released the Prince's victim to grateful hisses.
"Crowing crested cobras are wild animals and they want to stay in the wild. They're not meant to be held captive as pets, you monster!" she said with a final nod.
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This is almost the real ending, and it's quite good.
But have you considered.... Rainbow Dash? Able to slip in quickly, notorious prankster, motive to give Blueblood grief, accidental assassin after greasing the tub for a laugh. (It would have been absolute murder getting it out of his fur, but the broken neck made that moot.
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Too much solids after Taco Bell? or was it the gas?
Idea!
...
This is something i guess?
As an avid mtg player, I can indeed confirm that it is better to be lucky than to be good
I think we need four more fanfictions of this type, each of which will tell what Mane 5 is ready to do in order for Twilight's reign was prosperous .
perhaps these five ponies could become a secret sect of assassins who, under the leadership of Celestia, would protect Twilight from the shadows. All for her adorable cuteness!
A very silly and fun story. Quite like it. I kind of want to see new chapters/stories where the other girls have their own dalliances with
contract murderkeeping Twilight safe.Well, I'm following you now, if only in hope of a sequel.
oh that is funny
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Yeah, the ending makes me imagine a sequel where Celestia and Twilight's 8 closest friends sit down and explain to her that they've killed a few doezen ponies who they thought were potential assassins, and then she's horrified, until Celestia's like, "if it helps, everyone on the list was also interested in killing someone else in this room." to which Twilight's like, "That actually makes me feel better." to which Celestia's like, "Yeah, we figured it would."
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Must be the gas
The smoking lamp is out
No sparks or open flames
Insert murder house quest line from elder scrolls oblivion here lol. Loved it
The ending of this is darkly, yet also surprisingly, wholesome.
11552294 Alondro skins another crowing crested cobra that just happened to enter the Everfree right next to Ponyville! "Yay! The Saddle Arabians pay BIG TIME BITS for these things!"
11549998 Alas, all my murders were done alone!
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Get yourself into a relationship! Couples that slay together stay together!
Now that is totally a saying, 100%
11583738 It is... too late for me...
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