This is a story about a sheep. A little sheep, locked deep in prison, put there by ponies. He doesn't want to be there, but then he's had to do a lot of things he doesn't want to. It's a shame he deserves to be in there.
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im just waiting for our lamb to smah open the head of the guards xD
9045970
Hello again,
And also thanks again for pointing out mistakes (Are you one of those proof readers? perhaps? You're quite good at spotting things)
To answer your query on Fleece and Gossamer's resistance name, Fleece is Breaker, Gossamer is Prey. Lance was the name of a donkey in the line next to Gossamer/Prey. Did I not manage to make that clear in the story do you think? If not, I will need to go back and change it.
For the "tact" vs 'tack' or 'tactics', those could work too. Tact was what I originally meant; meaning skill in dealing with someone (somepony) delicately.
Greatly appreciated your help, once again.
9046695
Yeah, I'm one of the proofreaders. I'm retired, it's a hobby. You can pick from a list, they have preferences.
Or, I could do it.
Well, IDK how clear it was.
It confused me
9046706
Thank you for the offer Sweetolebob. But you are the one who is retired, so I think it comes down to what you want as your preference.
I can go to the Proof Reader's link you gave me, it's no problem. (Have to write the next chapter yet, so there's that of course :P) It is a kind offer regardless, so thank you!
(Tried to make the 'who is Lance and who is Fleece?' question clearer too)
9047491
The usual way that it works is:
You write it as usual
Then
you either send me the link & password for your writing site
OR
you E-mail the chapter to me
I E-mail you any corrections + comments
You make any corrections needed then submit it
For 1 chapter, it usually takes me no more than a day or so
9047669
Thank you for your offer, that is most kind.
It might be a few weeks though. 😅Need to write the next chapter up and all! (Not going to be quite as long as the last two)
Thanks again.
I am evil, stop laughing!
68.media.tumblr.com/c87fb25b4041d293d36251321dd3ba23/tumblr_naa7odVYxZ1s3c8vdo1_400.gif
I kinda have a hard time believing, that this is your first story. Did you write anything non-pony before?
9558215
Hello, 😇
Well, I am flattered that you think I am slightly above an armature, but no, this really is my first story. However! I lovvvvve to read and have read lots! Which kind'a helps inspiration. I think?
It certainly shows me what not to do. Which I try (and sometimes fail) to emulate.
But thank you anyway! 🍎
The word gender would mean nothing to him as not only a country boy, but also as a 60-70 year old who's been locked up behind bars for who knows how long. Slight nitpick, but he would refer to it as 'sex'.
It should also be noted that gender isn't a natural concept, so it could potentially not exist in the MLP universe... Especially under the basis of it's... conception as a word. Not to mention the medieval setting that MLP exists in would also hinder the conception of the concept 'genderism'.
And since I'm on the subject of writing. Remember to separate dialog into different paragraphs, it makes it easier to keep track of who's speaking.
10011162
Hi. Sorry about making it awkward to read with the inefficient paragraph spacing. It's been a while since I wrote this. (Up to chapter 40 now) Went back through it anyhow and tried to add in appropriate spacing. I like to think I've improved writing and pacing since then.
But thanks for pointing it out! 🍎
That picture is so adorable. Especially someone who is evil.
I just noticed (and yes I'm reading the entire story again to ameliorate my profound 'having-caught-up depression') that Gold Bit refers to Prey as 'he' before Prey clarifies his gender. Specifically, when he's taking the magic booties off, though possibly before that too.
10011162
Well before the paedophile John Money conducted his extremely messed up "experiment" The words sex and gender were used interchangeably
For those of you wondering what that experiment is, don't. It let a young boy and his brother to suicide
So far this Captain Valour sounds like an utter moron. But than again I guess that's something to be expected from the Equestrian Royal Guard. Nothing but bunch of useless tin soldiers.
other nice chapter, i love you <3
ok that is the proof that great evil comes in tiny adorable package's
We read chapter two out loud as well. Wowee, is 15,000 words a lot to read out loud. Especially when laughing at your friend's voices for the characters. And your own. Suggested edits in bold.
Herd > heard.
The messenger is not what's affecting them, the message is.
Where > were.
Linch > lynch.
Hanged is the specific tense of the verb for when it's a person hanging.
Extra "you can" removed.
Sus > si.
Sus > si.
Missing space between sentences.
Added the a.
Sus > si.
Their > there.
Scene > seen.
Loosing > losing.
Removed the plural s.
Removed the plural s.
Apostrophe.
Removed the plural s.
Out > our.
No apostrophe needed.
Added of the.
Added comma, removed the capital. Waited was past tense instead of present.
Added too, sus > si, and the a in the around.
Himself is one word.
On to is two words in this context.
Added a be.
Nowhere is one word.
Commas.
Added had (he'd works too) and turned the steam back into a liquid.
Sting is an -er.
I don't think sheep have feet.
Doing > done.
No space needed.
No ed required for this tense.
We > were.
Hard to head a voice.
No space needed, but around has an a.
One less l and one more a.
Needs a new indention to indicate a new speaker.
Added the and an apostrophe.
U in the until.
Remove off, add of, piled vs piles (I do that substitution a lot, personally).
Your > you're.
Comma and a possessive apostrophe.
Wonder > wander, technically "o'" would be used referring to a clock, whereas in speech it is "oh whatever hours" etc.
Recognise > nize, added a the, and an a.
Gold is good, but Gold bit is not. In my opinion. Deserves it is what I'm saying, for being a unicorn.
Fun chapter to read out loud.
11172010
Oh yikes. Wow. It really has been a while. Ooooh-boy, that's a lot of mistakes. I apologise you had to go through and report all of those, but thank you too.
I'm scared what the other first few chapters look like now...
This is a mix of grammar corrections and story comments. Unlike the previous commentor (apparently this is not a word), I put the unedited line in quotes, then suggest the edit below. Maybe there should be a google doc to post edits on or something.
Also, there's at least one instance of uncapitalized "guard." Personally I'm not a fan of capitalizing guard in the first place. Also, "Office room" hurts me.
Also, yes, the first chapter has more grammatical errors.
I had to pause and chuckle at this. Truly things are going to get ugly very quickly here.
Evidently I was reading ahead when I made my previous remark.
While there are plenty of ways to write characters that obvious by their voice alone, I'd argue in this case you just want to put the said tag as close to the beginning as possible.
Can't wait for Gossamer to build up his dependence on Fleece and have him torn away too.
Truthfully, a lot of the scenes where Goss uses his family's presence and love to cope, I see the dark glee in knowing that it will be ripped away.
What is it with Savants and having their entire family killed?
Well... At least Goss will become a murderous, self mutilating war machine instead of a street urchin.
Nope, that's worse. So much worse.
I believe there isn't a standard way for possessive-izing "mistress," so either "mistress's" or "mistress'" will work. With the use of apostrophes to denote Goss' thoughts, I would go with the former form.
The second half of that sentence bothers me; it's not quite parallel. Maybe something like, "Rising with their mistress' sun, the solar guard readied for another day." Or just "The Solar Guard rose with their mistress' sun?" I dunno.
How many layers deep can Goss go into memories? I would find it highly amusing if Goss could be trapped remembering his life in prison remembering his life before prison, remembering something trivial within that memory. Secretly Goss is remembering this story from the events beyond this arc.
Misspelled "stream," I think.
"...that, Prey."
*435's
"Charged and ready to stun?"
Two words.
This comes across to me like valour has been given a lot of paper work, and he doesn't know how to actually process a case, so he's just expecting anyone more knowledgeable to understand it. I find this a rather amusing interpretation.
The hidden agenda is that Sunshine is a resistance spy and is about to break Goss out of here. Valuor is is being manipulated. Also, missing apostrophe on "Prisoners."
Uh oh. Goss isn't just a war criminal. He's a criminal criminal. Ah gosh, this is gonna be a rough ride.
edit:
Ctrl+f "Brothers" yields five instances of missing apostrophes.
not that same —> not the same
that the magic second—> the magic the second
Okay… that picture is RIDICULOUSLY cute. I’d be tempted to add that to the cover if you could do multiple photos… WOW
11173890
And thanks again. 👍
Why would the resistance burn down the village
Dead pics
11383727
Huh. Just checked. All of the story's pics have suddenly gone dead. I'm going to need to look into why that is. 😖
The first chapters with the flashbacks always felt the heaviest to read through.
Is that an Avatar the Last Airbender reference?
I really liked the market square meeting, really showed instead of told the disconnect of the guard from the non-ponies of the land.
can't they graze?
why did the resistance burn the village down, anyway? I never figured that out. To get recruits? I'd dispute that it would be counter-productive, but evidently I would be wrong.
"Or else"? No wonder no one liked him.
Not quite never, but the spirit of the practice certainly remained.
Is it because of his name? Was one of his alternative career paths burglary?
Wait, if he went backwards, how would he land on his face? Did he do a 180?
In addition to the typo ("forelegs" one word), I want to point out that Prey doesn't make a fuss at all here, not even internally. A bit uncharacteristic. Or is it because it's only his hooves, and it's to unlock the shackles?
Let's see how long the "just acting" lasts.
Don't know about the anger part, but besides that Prey sure seemed to take this lesson well to heart.
It's a cool transition.
11172090
LOL
Remember how you blamed all the typos in the first chapter on it being the first chapter?
Well here's the typo part of the review. As well as grammar and suggestions for more communicative punctuation.
In the summary:
didn't want to.
In chapter 1, which I overlooked the first time:
"into the crater", no "of"
In this chapter:
the Resistance
"second-hoof". A second hand marks seconds on a watch.
colon or semicolon instead of comma
comma instead of period here, and lowercase "his"
minus apostrophe, unless you mean his household.
"knock-on effect"
not yet anyways
it's bad
being quiet isn't something you do, it's something you are.
unicorn's
Period instead of comma
outright
"frozen, broke". maybe. But it's honestly arguable.
headlong
his brother's
Lowercase "he". But let me know if you'd rather I didn't bother with these particular issues of capitalization around quotation marks.
"Wake up, 452."
A good example of why punctuation is important. "Wake up 452" is telling someone else to wake 452 up.
pegasi
Celestia's
get up, inmate 452
same comma logic
"Most stylebooks agree that the rule for forming the possessive of a singular noun ending in -s is formed by adding ’s"
Eeeh, you win this time.
"this is the pony guard", or "these are the pony guard" maybe?
unicorns or pegasi
how far away from Vanhoover they were right now? - just better phrasing IMO
step towards peace
hearts' content
nearby
its
overhead
"horribly cloying stench" or "horrible, cloying stench"
its
"fore legs" is old-fashioned, if that's not what you're going for then: "forelegs wrapped around"
their neck as he cried into her cream wool
either her or their neck in both instances
wide-eyed
. "How could this happen?"
maybe "answered", surely a colon.
brother's
Fleece's - this is a recurring issue. Just Ctrl+F for "Fleeces" and replace
half-seen?
"to" is unnecessary
especially/'specially
something missing
bird-lion's, also period instead of comma
griffin's, note the lower case. Should be an exclamation mark after "because of you", or a comma
foreleg
Understand? and check the possessive,
Celestia's
whose
whose
ones
brother's
one's
Come on, Goss
Please don't ever come on Goss.
No, Goss does not please. Comma, please.
"this simple thing", I think works better. Also, the next two paragraphs could be part of this paragraph.
wait, aren't his long floppy ears always drooping? I don't even think you should necessarily change this part, I'm just curious.
ones
It was firelight just a few sentences ago.
seemed
, 452
on to
on to
will, didn't I
delete one was
heads
whose
colon instead of comma
you, lamb
uppercase?
there's got to be better word. Misery? Despair? Wretchedness? Anguish, depression, despondency. Or maybe it's fine...
stream
dirt, along
willpower
on the farm?
one word
one word
midday
foreleg
around
delete "on"
yours, little brother
comma, but at least the issue is not so bad this time
I would suggest "around", but it can be argued
eaves-droppers. Or "ewes-droppers" if you want to pun it.
interested, Prey
Can't you see, Fleece
Else you can't see him.
"That's in the past now, Prey,
camel's
calling me that, Prey.
Guard station, lowercase, like in the rest of the story
station's
"presence" maybe a more accurate word?
"still looking wet", or "floor. The cement"
their captain's mental condition
moments away, last "with" might be superfluous
freeing the prisoner's hooves
one too many heres
452's
as far as to grace
at hoof?
lowercase "came"
the magic the second time
a bit colloquial
forelegs
Also Prey doesn't make a fuss at all, not even internally. A bit uncharacteristic, or is it because it's only his hooves, and it's to unlock the shackles.
"and" is unnecessary, but it's not incorrect
unicorn's, apostrophe and lowercase
guards'
His hooves were pale and worn, and felt almost malleable
being locked in chains
"sign" is unnecessary
forelegs
high-pitched and forelegs
I think this reference to "both aspects" doesn't really work given the previous paragraph. One "aspect" is clear enough, and the other is too once you re-read it, but it doesn't flow.
forelegs
peoples'
you're
than the Guards thought? Or "than the Guards'."
looks
Guard, uppercase.
And I suggest you just go through the chapter for resistance in lowercase, because that's a bit inconsistent
But hey, look on the bright side: With these corrected the chapter will look so much neater!
11388546
Well, to answer some of those questions: They burned down the village both to test Fire Strikes words, to see if the Guard really would come and help, and second, they removed all of the villagers other options. With no home left, no Guard who'd help, it was "join or die".
The name Gold Bit didn't have any other allusions to robbery, but it would've been funny if I thought of it at the time.
It said Prey fell over backwards. As in, tipping off the high chair backwards all the way. So yes, 180 degrees I guess.
Ha! Pun. But no, sorry. Although brilliant, I'm trying for the correct spelling for everything. 😆
Yes, Prey's ears are naturally dropping anyways, it just fit with the writing. 😅
And now onto all those corrections. Allllll of those many corrections. Celestia, I see a lot of corrections. 😦 I'm sorry you had to see all of those.
(Just a note though, I don't change the first letter Capital to lower case in a running sentence. That's just the way I'm going to do it. eg. <"I don't know, but it'll be bad news either way." His brother muttered back.>)