• Member Since 23rd Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Oroboro


Employed layabout with not enough free time to write about horses.

E
Source

Helping a lost filly find her way home should have been a walk in the park for Princess Twilight Sparkle, but this time things turned out to be a bit stranger than she was expecting.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 138 )

I did love this fic. Let's see if anyone figures out what inspired it!

This was a cute lil' story with a subtle but interesting impact there. c:

Any chance of seeing their further adventures?

Majin Syeekoh
Story Approver

I was going to say it was cute, but...

Without spoiling anything, Twilight really Twilighted the shit out of that, if I may be so blunt.

This story is an excellent one. ^_^ I loved it.

Hey, I remember this from the Writeoffs. I'm really impressed by how well the first scene cleaned up! I'm not sure how I feel about the open ending, but everything up to the scene break is much smoother and more powerful. Nicely done.

What.

I could of sworn I've seen this OC before, I even did some art for her back when I used a horrible program.

Lovely story, have juicy and nutritious upvote. One suggestion though; it would be a better story without the part at the end where Melon Ball comes back. Overwise excellent job. Your OC was gorgeous (an earth pony with some fruit stuck on her arse is a breath of fresh air after the endless legions of special snowflakes) and the story pleasant. I shall look forward to your future work :twilightsmile:

6354389 I pretty much came up with her on the spot, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone had done something similar before. Only so many things you can do with "melon" as a theme.

Huh. I really should have watched past the fifth episode of Bakemonogatari so I could tell how Araragi's solution differed from Twilight's.

Much better than the Write-off version, but that should be a given, considering that... it actually has its climax.

Definitely wouldn't object to seeing Twilight crack life's greatest mysteries wide open and the fallout of such. Or just Melon Ball being a cute kid hanging around her. Either works.

The...the FEELS...

Are you planning to write a sequel?

I did kinda figure out the twist pretty much from the synopsis. The moment they returned to the park for the first time I was sure. The ending was kinda weird. Ending it all with just Melon moving on and Twilight being left to wonder about the workings of the universe would have been fine. Now you built it up as a sequel hook or a cliffhanger for the next chapter, which I don't think was necessary, because it takes away from the feeling of achievement and closure of the story.

This was fantastic! However, I can't really overlook how incomplete this feels with that ending. This almost begs to have a sequel of some sort, or even just another chapter. It's a fantastic idea, it truly is. It'd be a shame to let it sit there.

Funny little story thanks for writing it.

THE FEELS :raritycry: :fluttershysad: :applecry:

Sequel???:unsuresweetie:

Enjoyable but it's dissatisfying just solve everything by blasting it with magic, instead relying on wits and intelligence.
Also I must wonder (assuming it's the same as in Bakemonogatari) why did Melon Ball appear to Twilight in the first place?

Yeah, I kind of saw the twist coming, but it was still beautiful.

6354127 I haven't the slightest clue; care to enlighten me?

Twilght 1: Forces of Reality 0

Hah. Stitch that, forces of reality. You suck.

Several days later.
Twilight smiled and gestured at her creation. :twilightsmile:
"Isn't it amazing?" She heard no reply.
:rainbowhuh: :ajbemused: :fluttershysad: :raritydespair: :pinkiesad2:

"So... Being a spirit without a body, the obvious match would be a body having no spirit!" :twilightsheepish:


"Necromancy is still a bad thing, OK?" Applejack's expression didn't change appreciably. :ajbemused:

I like it alot but it doesn't feel finished. Sequel?

At first i was: D'awwwww:heart::rainbowkiss::heart:
then i was: wah?:rainbowhuh:
until: nuh, waaaaaaahhaaahaaa:raritycry::raritydespair:
finally: D'awwww again.:yay:

overall it was a brilliant story, especially Twilight tearing reality a new one just so a mother and daughter could have closure.:pinkiesad2: beautiful.

Wanderer D
Moderator

Thumbs up!

I feel like I'm the only one who didn't see the twist coming :derpytongue2: but that makes it all the better for me :twilightsmile: I love this story, and would honestly love it even more if it had a sequel. Either way, have a upvote and fave :twilightsmile:

Sorry Twilight, you broke the rules. And the price must be paid. Melon Ball is now something between a ghost and a spirit....
I do believe she accidentally bound Melon to this side when she made her visible.:applejackunsure:
In short, the afterlife is sending Twilight a very big bill for damages.

I really liked the ending. There's the typical 'it all wraps up', until.. no, Twilight broke something again. Something along the metaphysics of life, death, and story structure.

It's very Twilight, I think.

Wow. I was really tearing up when Twilight put the pieces of Melon Ball's circumstance together. But then Twilight went ahead and broke the rules, just so Melon could say her piece, and I was thinking "Okay, that was bittersweet, but still wonderful". Then she comes back, and at this point I want to say it's a happy ending, because Melon now has a chance to experience life again, if after a fashion, but then I think about the fact that she might not be able to move on now. That in turn makes me curious as to how her family would see this situation- would they be grateful, or angry? Knowing Twilight and what she already accomplished on a stubborn whim, she will find a way for Melon to be seen and heard by other ponies at least. So yeah. This was a bit of a roller coaster for me, but in the best way. I will say that it saddens me we'll never know for sure what happens next, but I have to think it'll work out well for everypony involved.

Melon Ball, a filly of indeterminant age with an important message to deliver, had been left wandering in the dark, until a chance encounter gave her the opportunity to make that final journey...but apparently something went wrong...and what should've been the end...turned out to be...perhaps...just the beginning...of another typical day...in The Twilight Zone.

:twilightoops:

Nice. I like ghost stories about friendly ghosts.

I like the spookie nature of this.

Perhaps there should be a "The Twilight Zone" themed group made for this & other stories, like Heirlooms, that have such Outer Limits/Twilight Zone/Night Gallery style stories :twilightsmile:

But if it happens, the authors should create their own Rod Serling opening & closing narations. Here's a good reasource for those TZ narations.

edit--> Cool! There already is a TZ Group

There's no way that Celestia, Luna and probably Discord didn't sense Twilight going all out with her magic twice just minutes apart right in the middle of Canterlot. That must have been a fun conversation.

"I may have slightly broken a fundamental aspect of reality."

"Again!?"

[Muffled sounds of a furious Zhong Kui are heard in the distance]

Wait...THAT'S IT?! There's no more.... ?:fluttercry:

it's based on that old urban legend about a man picking up a hitchhiking girl claiming to be coming home from a dance

Well that was an adorable tearjerker with quite the unexpected results. Loved it.

Loved it, the ending was good. While I wish for a sequel I do beileive that you should not do one.

PPS
PPS #39 · Aug 25th, 2015 · · ·

Melon Ball might not be visible to most people, but when she rang the doorgong, Fluttershy seemed to be able to hear it. If she can interact with physical objects like that, it opens up a number of options that could make it feasible to return to a mostly-normal lifestyle. Alternatively, if "normal" is undesired, it also opens up all sorts of cool ghost shenanigans.

Warnin'!
Thar' be (min'r) spoilers in these here comments!
Proceed at yer own risk!

I wrote a critique/review of this story; it can be found over here.

6354909

Twilight has an annoying habit of attracting stray bits of destiny. When your cutie mark is a bunch of stars, something's bound to cross em. :)

I have to say this honestly or else I'm going against my very nature but . . . . I was able to figure out what was going on way too quickly for this story to be measured or reviewed by any means- as this story's chief aspect is the fact that Melon Ball is dead.

Nice story. :twilightsmile:

Tiny god uses extravagant powers pettily; universe proves indifferent.

And then the Auditors of the Afterlife show up, and things go downhill fast. :pinkiecrazy:

This was fantastic, IMO. I really love how it turns all the standard "ghost story" tropes on their head. Rather than it being a spooky mystery or all that, Twilight's just "ah, we're trapped in a folded reality thingy. I guess I'll have to *blast* my way out!" And it works! And then there's the sad can-never-find-closure thing, and Twilight once again goes "nope, I'm *forcing* things to work out okay. MAGIC!"

And then finally we discover that she's broken the natural order of things with those stunts and Mellon Ball can't pass on... and once more Twilight turns things happy by resolving to throw more magic at things. And nobody gets ironic comeuppance or anything. I love it!

After I got to the part ware Melon said that her mom visits them once a month, I thought she and her dad were both dead... I was half right.
The ending however has made me think about a certain television show that stared a certain actress, producer, author, television director and singer-songwriter. One that she helped produce and aired from 2005-2010. The title would be a synonym for "Spirit Speak-Softly".

Five bits to the one who guesses it first!

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