The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Red vs. Pink?

Death Battle

The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Various pictures from cartoons and other media pass the screen momentarily as our announcers get started. (Due to the need to avoid copyright infringements, we'll call them W and B respectively.)

W opens his speech, "The 4th wall is a fragile division between reality and fantasy."

B interrupts, "And some people obliterate it on a regular basis."

"Like Deadpool, the 'Merc with a mouth' and Pinkie Pie of the G4 earth ponies."

"Are we really pitting another one of these ponies against a killer machine?" B lets out a sigh.

"He's B and I'm W and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle."

The famous title card reading "Death Battle" enters from either side of the screen before splitting apart again to reveal a guy in a red jumpsuit. Though he wears a mask, it's pretty easy to tell that he's grinning.

W introduces this masked man, "Wade Winston Wilson AKA Deadpool is a mercenary for hire with an identity as mysterious as his motives."

B picks up, "I don't know why this guy needs his katana, shuriken, guns, and pineapple grenades. This guy can literally talk his enemies to death." A quick clip of Deadpool's taunting talk bubble dealing damage to his opponent proves B's point.

W goes on, "Deadpool is very talkative, usually in a humorous manner and distracting to anyone within a 50 ft radius."

A statistics and facts screen appears to the side as W continues.

"He's a mutant who's powers include regeneration, superhuman agility, and immunity to telepathy. He is also a master of martial arts and swordplay."

B adds, "Deadpool wears a teleporter belt which works twice in battle, but if he tries to use it a third time it short-circuits and stuns him momentarily. What a shocker."

"But arguably, Deadpool's most deadly weapon is his ability to break the 4th wall. He can smack his opponents around with his health bar and hyper combo meter leaving enemies grounded and open to his aerial attacks."

"And he has a catch phrase ready for nearly every enemy he faces."

A clip shows up where Deadpool taunts, "Magneto! Welcome to die."

The title card reading Death Battle appears again and splits apart to reveal a smiling pink cartoonish pony with a mane that resembles cotton candy.

W starts the introduction, "Pinkamena Diane Pie AKA Pinkie Pie lives in the magical land of Equestria in Ponyville."

B sighs but W continues like he didn't hear.

"She previously worked on a rock farm before inspiration struck her and she moved to Ponyville. Her official occupation is assistant baker in training, however she's better known to the locals as 'Party Planner Extraordinaire'." As some of Pinkie Pie's stats appear on the side of the screen, W keeps talking.

"Her most unique abnormality is her Pinkie Sense."

"What?" B asked.

"This sense has allowed her to predict and avoid calamities such as falling objects, opening doors, bee swarms, and other unexpected phenomena."

"How... wha... how does that even work?"

"Pinkie Pie has a strange taste bud arrangement which makes hot sauce covered cupcakes pleasurable to her but liquid rainbows are discomforting."

"She thinks Tabasco is sweet and Skittles are spicy?" B ponders, "Seems legit."

"By some magic or unique, genetic makeup, Pinkie Pie is able to jump several feet high. She can skip certain scenes of her own show in order for her scripted lines to be more dramatic. She's even able to gallop at mach 5 speeds, easily keeping up with past Death Battle winner Rainbow Dash."

"You just made that up."

"I wish I did."

"But the Element of Laughter isn't immune to depression. One time, she was so lonely that she used horse meat to make pastries." A short clip of the Cupcakes trailer plays before immediately pausing.

"No, B," W interrupts, "That's been declared non-canon." A giant red circular "non" sign appears over the paused clip.

"Oh,... never mind." The footage goes back to some canon clips from the MLP:FiM show. "Speaking of cannons, Pinkie wields the Party Cannon which can fire party supplies at speeds that could injure most people that get within its range."

"And she's able to create flying apparatuses out of practically nothing."

"This pony," B concludes, "is so random."

A clip of Pinkie Pie imitating a firework finishes the analysis with her shouting, "Woo-HOO!"

W takes the floor, "All right, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all."

"Time for a Death Battle!" B yells.

---Death Battle---

Our stage appears to be some random field with grass and sparingly few trees. This is to ensure neither of their respective homes are destroyed by this battle.

Deadpool points while reading the contents of his talk bubble, "This is my taunt!"

Pinkie Pie lets out a jumping gasp before falling back onto the ground standing just a few feet away from the red jump-suited mercenary.

A red text message is shouted by an announcer before the word disappears just as quickly, "FIGHT!"

Both combatants start talking and yapping at paces faster than our record keeper can keep track of. Although it does eventually end with them both saying, "Oatmeal, are you crazy?"

They run toward each other before releasing their respective martial arts.

Deadpool shouts, "Chimmychanga!"

Pinkie Pie counters, "Chimmycherrychanga!" Interestingly, her extra two syllables allows an extra blow which knocks Deadpool back a few steps. He tries again pulling out his sword in the process shouting, "Katanarama!" This time Pinkie Pie doesn't counterattack. She simply moves agilely out of the way of Deadpool's swings. After that, they jump away from each other.

Both combatants let out a chuckle before pulling out their respective ranged weapons. Deadpool pulls out his pistols while Pinkie Pie pulls her Party Cannon out of thin air.

"Bang! Bang, Bang, Bang! Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang!" Deadpool shouts in rhythm with his bullets. Oddly, his bullets are evenly matched with Pinkie Pie's overpowered cannon shots. Though, various balloon, confetti debris, and bullet shells litter the ground. Upon realizing the even match, Deadpool switches up his strategy.

"Pineapple surprise!" he announces as he tosses an Mk 2 grenade.

"Ooh! I have one of those too!" expressed Pinkie as she tosses a regular pineapple toward the same spot. The resulting explosion is a scatter of pineapple juice everywhere. Deadpool takes the most recent attack in stride with his non-existent plan of action.

"Present for you," he calls as he throws three shuriken toward Pinkie Pie. She smiles as she pulls three, wrapped boxes out of nowhere and tosses them at the incoming ninja stars. Though all three shuriken stop in there tracks, one of the boxes is somehow unwrapped and the contents fly back to Pinkie Pie. It appears to be a remote control. Wait...

No! Pinkie Pie, don't press rewin- (the entire scene happens in reverse order as we return to the moment just after this Battle began.)

"FIGHT!"

"Hey!" Pinkie Pie calls her opponent, "Wanna hang out together?"

Deadpool almost looks thoughtful for a brief moment before replying, "Sure, why not?"

A Mortal Kombat announcer states off-screen, "Friendship," as a rainbow-colored word appears on-screen.

"Friendship? Again?" questions a second announcer.

---Death Battle---

"W,... what the hell just happened?" asked the confused tone of B.

"I'm... not sure, B," said W with a tone that signified he was just as confused. A couple stat screens flash by indicating various advantages both combatants had during the match. A third screen with text on the side shows the same confusion as the hosts by ending with the written question, "Who won?" Some awkward moments of silence pass.

W sighs before announcing the official result.

"This Death Battle is a draw." The screen shows pictures of both combatants side-by-side with the bold word "DRAW" underneath.

---Death Battle---

---

A/N: I am never doing something like this again. I'll stick to reading other works for a while.
All properties belong to their respective owners. I gain no profit. Yada yada.

Author's Note:

(Oh, gosh. It actually happened.)

Comments

[redskin122004]

this made me laugh so hard that i actually had trouble breathing.

[pinkiefan1287]

This was pretty funny.

[IraqLobstah]

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/267/237/cfb.gif
I have no idea whats going on but I like it.

I know this isn't Mortal Combat (Kombat?) But I still feel like someone
needs to yell "FATALITY!"

[Silence the Unicorn]

W and B should do this on the next April Fools' Day.

[BornEquestrian]

Of course this comes out the day I decide to rewatch some deathbattles after not watching any for months

[DuskStar]

First it was.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/052/7/6/deadpool_vs__pinkie_pie_by_jax_81-d4qhnkx.jpg

Then it became.
1.bp.blogspot.com/-42lRi5GqcK8/TtLIr0IWw_I/AAAAAAAAVuc/geD9-iPEWpM/s1600/request_run_15___the_legendary_duo_by_echowolf800-d4he1pe.png

[OddOneOut]

i need to go watch whatever deadpool is from on youtube. he sounds like a boss

[leaderofstars]

i loved the ad jokes wiz and boom made before the show went to screwattack.

[M-Roku]

Hilarious. I knew this would be the end result between the two.

[Bronyzilla]

Deadpool: "So Pinkie Pie, wanna go bug Wolverine? It's so funny when he threatens to pop a claw up my nose!"
Pinkie Pie: "You don't think that's kinda mean?"
Deadpool: "Nah, Marvel has me in pointless crossovers like that all the time. It's cool."

[Professor Donger]

I swear to god send this to fucking deathbattle now

[Supersheep64]

Literary Death battles? Never thought I'd see the day.

For pointing out flaws, I'd say it was too short and Deadpool was entirely reliant on his MvC3 incarnation without branching out into his other appearances. Seeing as Deathbattle has a tendency to convert the most obscure aspects of a character, that may not have ever been intended for the use of combat, or had only appeared in a single game\ cartoon\ movie or whatever, and then use that aspect in the most awesome way imaginable... It kinda stuck out.

Other than that, it was entertaining and everybody was in character, especially W and B, so good job there.

Overanalysing lol.

[TundraStanza]

Wow... I'm glad I set my expectations low for the number of favorites and positive feedback I've gotten on this.
I'm pleasantly surprised.
>>Supersheep64
It kind of didn't help that I didn't grow up in the comic age. So applying more of Deadpool's quirky traits would have been hollow at best. But yes, over-analyzing is funny... and informative.

[Professor Donger]

472279 Make this a series...do it...now..i ask you NO! BEG YOU TO DO IT

[Cobra 1]

I love DEATH BATTLE, and this is It could easily be an actual episode.

[A7X Camerooni]

This was a really awesome literary Death Battle, and I think it would be amazing if it was made into a real one

[Sir Top Hat]

OMG I LOVE IT CALL SCREW ATTACK MAKE NOW PLEASE!!!!

[DiamondSongBrony63]

Yay, I have been wanting to see this Death Battle for a long time(Pinkie Pie vs Deadpool)

[Titan Commander Sebaste]

Oh god, this was hilarious!

[keybounce]

This pre-dated the real battle? Wow.