The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Equus Meets West

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I can promise dragons. I can't promise that the fight will be any good, but I can promise dragons.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and Disney.
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This episode of Death Battle was brought to you by denneylaw.

The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Season 2

(26)

How exactly do dragon powers skip a generation?

You know what dragons are supposed to be?

They are the vicious beasts of dungeon lore, guardians of ancient and cursed treasures, and kidnappers of distressed damsels in their spare time.

Oh yeah? Then why the hell are there so many awkward teenaged dragons that don't understand any of that?

Like Jake Long, the American Dragon?

Yeah! Then there's Garble, the supposed leader of a whole gang of dragons.

He's B and I'm W, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

---Death Battle---

Garble
-Voiced by Vincent Tong
-Species: Dragon
-Age range: Adolescent
-Residence: Unknown forest in a volcanic region
-Abilities: Flight, fire breath, brute strength, heat and lava resistance
-Other: Does not recognize pony royalty by name; very disrespectful of other dragons, phoenixes and their eggs; can somehow be stopped completely by trees

"King of the hoard!"

Among some of the other dragons of the Great Dragon Migration, Garble is implied to be the leader of a gang of adolescent dragons.

What's this guy's deal? Gym wrestling? Tail wrestling? King of the hill of gemstones? This isn't a dragon. This is Michael Jackson in a set of red scales and a voice bass turned up to eleven.

Um, I really don't see how...

~Just heat it! (Heat it) Heat it! (Heat it) No dragon wants to be your friend. Show them how stupid your way of life, can't fit the dragon stereotype. Just heat it!~

Are you finished?

Yeah, okay.

As a winged dragon, Garble has the ability to fly and has the typical dragon's power of fire breath. Additionally, he is strong enough to hold his own against his fellow adolescent dragon brethren and his scales are resistant enough to ward off the extreme heat of lava.

What I don't understand is how his scaly head can bust through a tree trunk, but the rest of his body gets stuck. Also, how does a fire-breathing dragon lose against a fiery bird?

Well, Garble's not very bright. He doesn't recognize names that have powerful connotations and he can even be fooled into thinking that a horribly costumed trio of ponies is a genuine dragon's cousin. Additionally, he can't pull off heists without other dragons beside him at his beck and call.

~You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth tree, Garble!~

I thought you were finished.

You can't stop the Pop!

"Stick with us, Spike. We still got plenty to teach you about being a dragon."

---Death Battle---

Jake Long
-Full name: Jacob Luke Long
-Voiced by Dante Basco
-Species: Human; True form: Western dragon
-Age range: 13-14
-Residence: New York City, New York, United States of America
-Abilities: can transform into a full-fledged dragon at will; burning dragon fire; enhanced dragon hearing; ability to see over large distances and in the dark; flight
-Other: A developed understanding of martial arts; respects some authority more than others; usually fights for the greater good; can topple trees without even trying
-Personal Kryptonite: Sphinx hair

"Days like today make me wish I was a normal human, like Dad."

Jonathon Long enters while singing an embarrassing company jingle.

"And I use the term 'normal' very loosely."

Oh joy. Teen angst.

Jake Long is a kid just like any other, except for the fact that he had to keep his life of protecting the magical world a secret from his father. Jake Long is dubbed the American Dragon, trained by his grandfather Lao Shi, who just so happens to be the Chinese Dragon.

Right... Jake's dragon training takes the form of a combination of martial arts and doing the undesirable chores for his grandfather and a talking dog.

Because of this, Jake's combat tactics take the form of both traditional martial arts choreography and some outside-the-box moves that can catch his opponents off guard.

During the time that he's not pretending to be a dragon Keanu Reeves, Jake can usually be found skateboarding the streets of New York City with his friends Arthur "Spud" Spudinski and Trixie Carter. Otherwise, he's being forced to babysit his sister Haley or grounded due to magical incidents outside of his father's knowledge.

Jake's powers as a dragon allow him to shape-shift between human and dragon forms within a second. When focusing on this dragon anatomy, he can hear through walls, see in the dark and over long distances, breath fire, fly, and grab and whip objects with his tail.

Heck, his dragon tongue can be used to change the trajectory of a thrown net just by spinning it around.

While his dragon form is not immune to damage, it is much more durable than his human form. Should he run into a tree, he can topple it over immediately with minimal pain.

And his top flight speed clocks in at about 179 mph, reducing the relative force of impact from a 180 mph hurtling boulder to a harmless tap.

The American Dragon has faced a number of enemies including the Huntsclan, the Tooth Fairy's traitorous assistant, some rogue carnies, a traitor from the Dragon Council, and the Dark Dragon himself.

And he got hitched with Rose, creating confusion among all the Zutara fans.

B, that's irrelevant!

I disagree!

"From the J to the A to the K to the E, I'm the Mack-Daddy dragon of the N.Y.C.! Ya heard?"

---Death Battle---

All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

---Death Battle---

Ah... the nature. Leaves are green and luscious. Branches are brown and firm. I think I even here a bird chirping.

"Get 'im, guys!"

Such a majestic creature... wait, what? Oh, it's that group of teenage dragons. It appears that they are closing in on another innocent bystander. What animal are they ganging up on for no good reason today? Wait, is that a human?

Suddenly, a large, blue eastern dragon flies out of the forage along with a... dog. I can't make this stuff up, folks. You'd have to be here to understand what the heck I'm looking at. In any case, the newcomers thrash two of the teenagers until stars are spinning.

"That one's all yours, kid!" hollers Fu Dog.

"Pah!" spits Garble, "I don't need their help to take down a wimp like you."

"Really?" responds Jake with a smirk. "I was thinking the same thing about you."

Fire fills his eyes. The audience is treated to a symbol of a human outline surrounded by a dragon's outline.

"Dragon up!"

In what looks like a blaze of orange fire, the human's body and limbs are quickly overtaken by a dragon's equivalents. Wings and a tail are added to the mix. The full western dragon rotates in a 3D effect as a bunch of Chinese symbols follow the spherical surface area around it. The American Dragon returns to 2D before releasing a roar to the sky.

I don't know what happens to his clothes. Maybe they're in a weird pseudo-space.

Garble is stupefied and stares for a few seconds. "Well... you're still going down!"

Jake chuckles. "If I had a dime for every time I've heard that, I could buy the Empire State Building."

"FIGHT!"

Garble takes a breath before releasing a huge fire stream. Surely, this will be enough to show that false dragon he means business. Mm... not quite. As it turns out, Jake sends forth an even larger breath of fire in the shape of a small dragon. It actually engulfs Garble's fire and impacts with his face. The adolescent is sent sliding on his back.

He growls before getting back to his feet. He takes a running start, yelling all the way. The enemy's tail immediately halts Garbles advance and sends him up into the air. This is followed by a back-flip kick. Once again, Garble slides on his back.

Jake crosses his arms. "What else you got?"

To this, Garble growls again. His claws latch around a clump of dirt. Then, he takes to the air on his wings. He flies in close. As the American Dragon karate chops him to the ground, Garble tosses the clump that he was holding.

"Augh! My eyes!" Jake yells.

Garble smirks in spite of his new back pain. Now there is no way for that puny dragon wannabe to stop his attacks.

Oh, Garble, why must you be so naive?

Jake whispers, "Ear of the Dragon."

Garble lashes out with his claws and tail. However, each of his advances are met with a perfectly timed block from one of Jake's limbs. Garble throws his punches even faster and even pulls a few of his kicks. But they aren't having any apparent effect. In fact, the last tail sweep by Jake sends Garble flying into the trunk of a small tree. Little phoenix mirages fly over his head.

After a good rubbing, Jake sufficiently clears his eyes from the dirt. He lands next to Garble's little tree and topples it with a touch. He then proceeds to grab it in both of his clawed hands and spin around. After a few rotations, he releases the tree into the sky. Garble's roar fades with a twinkle in the sky.

"Ring Out!"

The American Dragon performs a cross between the moonwalk and the Egyptian walk.

"Uh-huh! You know it. That's right. Say, 'Woot! Woot!'"

---Death Battle---

That has got to be the record for shortest Death Battle ever.

I don't know. Those fellows Y and A seemed to make an injured pegasus pony fight even shorter.

At any rate, this was a bit uneven of a match.

Garble can be manipulative at times and he definitely has cheap tactics which can work in short-term. But these usually require a group effort by his *ahem* colleagues in order to get any payoff. While his strength and brutality place him on par with his fellow dragons, they lack the quick-thinking and improvisation that Jake has to implement on a regular basis.

Add on top of that Jake's training and endurance and you've got a dragon that can kick butt.

On the bright side for Garble, he's flying high.

Hey! That's my line!

The winner is Jake Long.

---Death Battle---

Author's Note:

Sad to say that American Dragon: Jake Long is one of the cancelled TV shows. Aw, man.

Comments

[Dirty Bit]

This was so one-sided, it's sick Loved the Ring Out rather than KO.

...I must've missed a lot of Jake Long, because I never remembered Jake actually getting hitched with Rose

I did remember the episode where Jake made that 'reset' wish with the crystal skulls...

[SudokuBrony]

I loved ADJL! That show was awesome! Too bad it was cancelled.

[TundraStanza]

4745533 , Well... Boomstick said that Spider-Man got laid several times, but it's never been confirmed whether or not he actually "did it" with all of his girlfriends.
So... *shrugs*

[Dirty Bit]

4745952 Ooooooooh~! Okay